Dear Dr. Archer,
I could really use your help. I am watching you on HLN's "Issues," with Jane Velez-Mitchell, and something you said lead me to write this letter.
Three years ago my precious daughter came to me and told me she had been molested by her grandfather, my father. Our family was fractured into pieces as a result of this. I loved my dad so much, and I was always his "little girl." Since the three years since this has happened, I have spoken with him only once or twice. My father admitted what he did and went into therapy.
I truly miss him, yet I am so sad, hurt, angry and disappointed. You just said that if he has a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse, which he does, he has accepted what he did was wrong. He has never blamed my daughter, and has protected her from being blamed. This is according to his therapist that I have spoken with.
My question is, can I rebuild a relationship with him without losing my daughter forever?
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
That was a very difficult episode of "Issues" that you refer to. Crimes against children are always very difficult topics to discuss, and obviously the discussion became very heated. However, I stand by my statement, which was, "...it's not rocket science to do these assessments. It's very, very straightforward. Is there a guilt? Is there remorse? Is there acceptance of responsibility that you did it wrong and not trying to assign blame?" For those who want to see the transcript from in it's entirety, please go to "Issues" with Jane Velez-Mitchell.
It will take time, therapy and you must put your daughter first. Talk to her and be sure to tell her what's going on and to talk about forgiveness, etc. Also, talk to your father's therapist again to see whether he is ready to resume a relationship. As I said on the show, it's not rocket science. Unfortunately, your dad has lost his right forever to be alone with your child, or any child for that matter. However, under the circumstances, I'm sure he can accept that fact. Your number one concern should be the safety and well-being of your daughter. She is your responsibility to make sure she remains safe and secure at all cost.
Dr. Archer
