I am a software professional, and I've been at my current job for a year. I am having thoughts of homosexual relations with a guy. My story is like this: One night after a party this guy and I shared a bed. At midnight he touched my genitals with his hand, and I have never felt anything like that in my whole life.
I am very attracted to him, because his face and shape is like that of my father. That's when I started thinking about having homosexual relations with him.
After three months, five guys and myself rented one home. This guy and I shared one bed, and most of the nights he would just hug me while we slept. This slowly turned into sleepless nights for me.
One day he was depressed about something, and I thought he might need sex. I tried to have sexual relations with him; I put my hand on his penis and thought he was really enjoying it. I, however, am sorry this happened; my sleepless nights continued. For a few nights I continued this abnormal behavior, and continued to have sleepless nights.
One night he pulled my hands out. I said I was sorry and kept my distance from him. He, too, kept his distance from me. It made me sad and I slowly became mentally depressed. I know this type of relations are not good, but I can't get control over my mind. Sometimes I lose control over normal thinking and it gets me angry.
Now this guy doesn't talk to me, which makes me even more depressed. I'm losing my memory, too. Please help me overcome this psychological situation.
Sexuality is a very private, very personal thing. Some men are attracted to women, and don't think twice about it because it's considered 'normal.' Some men are attracted to other men, and they consider their thoughts unwanted and intrusive. They worry about being gay, which causes anxieties because they're trying to wrestle with a biological and very personal feeling.
I do not know why your friend is no longer talking to you; perhaps he is having the same doubts and concerns as you, and doesn't know what to do about them. The truth, Aneesh, is that you're calling homosexuality abnormal behavior, but for homosexuals it is absolutely normal behavior.
Your thoughts that this is unacceptable and inappropriate behavior is simply increasing your anxiety, while also making you feel angry and depressed.
The key, Aneesh, is to know yourself and to be true to yourself. If you enjoy being with men then you enjoy it, plain and simple; no need to beat yourself up over this. You are who you are.
Accepting yourself, whether you are gay or straight will give you peace and joy within your life. If you can do this, your depression and anxieties will ease away. Never try to be someone you're not; you'll never regret it. I wish you well.