Teresa Found Her Sister's Sex Ad Online

Life Issues

5/26/2012 6:00:17 PM

Dear Dr. Archer,

I recently found an ad on the Internet offering escort services and sexual favors for a certain price. The problem? The woman was my sister! I immediately asked her about it, because I am concerned for her safety and mental state to do such a thing.

I'm not sure what to do about it from this point on; she has avoided me for over two weeks and is both rude and defensive when we do talk. She says she no longer trusts me! How do I deal with this? Does she need psychiatric help?

Teresa

Dear Teresa,

No, your sister does not need psychiatric help. She may need a financial advisor, but not a psychiatrist.

Your sister was, no doubt, surprised, shocked and embarrassed by your discovery. Trust me, she was not expecting you to find her ad and now she's on the defensive. Why? Because she's afraid you would judge her, condemn her and possibly wonder about her mental state.

Talk to your sister, even if she's rude. Let her know you love her and if she needs a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen, you're there for her. She's an adult who is responsible for her own decisions. You can remind her that you want her around for a long time, so to practice safe sex.

Also, let her know, that regardless of what she does for a profession you are there for her. And then, Teresa, drop it. Ask her to lunch just to have fun and bond. Do not bring up her source of income unless she brings it up first.

Be there for her but realize this is her life to live and this is her decision. She is your sister; love her unconditionally. Good luck.

Dr. Archer

Posted by: Dr. Dale Archer | Submit comment | Tell a friend

Categories: anxiety | Family Situation | Love | Stress | Work/Career

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8 Comments

Lola

5/27/2012 2:17:42 PM

While I agree that the sister needs to offer support so that her prostitute sibling has somewhere to turn, I disagree that she doesn't need psychiatric care, and I believe prostitutes are as destructive to friendships and families as webworms are to trees, sucking the life out of them a branch at a time. I've never heard of one who didn't have problems, even if they didn't regard them as such.

I would never recommend someone keep a prostitute within their circle of friends, and only within family if they are keeping their manipulation away from the family, its spouses, and its friends, which is rare. No one should have to put up with that.

Prostitutes are constantly looking for a way to get attention, power, and/or money, and their number one method is whispering in the ear of every man they target, married or unmarried, boyfriend of one of their friends or not, that they will make them feel good, the way they deserve to feel, and that no one will ever have to know. They will give the reluctant among them the sympathy speil about them not getting the appreciation they deserve at home. A lot of men will take the bait under these circumstances, having been assurred no one will ever find out, even those you think will not.

Within a group of friends, a prostitute may be less obvious than when they are leaning in cars on the street corner or sexting online, but will still constantly manipulate to get someone's attention or move into some part of the circle they are not really wanted, ignoring group hierarchies and the feelings of the females in the group.

When I was too young to be street smart in this regard, there was such a girl in our college circle. She was very sweet to all of us girls, and she was actually in love with me, which I didn't realize for some time. She seemed "lost" from the moment I met her. The summer between semesters, in my hometown, I began hearing things within the crowd about her trying to get next to other women's boyfriends, lounging around with them in their rooms (lots of people in this house). Given the times and our crowd, who were all pretty loose, I didn't take it at all seriously at first and just wrote it off to jealousy. But I began watching her more closely (it was me who brought her into the circle, so I was responsible to act on it). Once I began paying attention, I did notice some improprieties, and the final one that convinced me was that she wasn't above using the little boy of one of the men in our group to get next to and under the roof of his father, a union which would have wreaked havoc throughout the group. She pretended to be all into the little boy just to get to the dad, who was heir to an estate at the time and also was basically top dog within our crowd. He was also taken.

It was after I got tired of her manipulations that I even put it together that she was a prostitute. Someone had to suggest it to me. I never thought about a college girl being a prostitute. Then with hindsight, and decades later when I would see lots of them and their scripted and predictable behavior on band busses and at parties, it became obvious.

She had a filthy unkempt woman who followed her everywhere. She was one of those people who looks rode hard and put down wet and was at least 10 years older than the girl. She kept tabs on the girl, and I came to believe she kept her addicted to drugs. I had quizzed the girl more than once about why she kept this scrubby little woman around, and she wouldn't talk about it or hard drugs, which I did suspect at the time because I couldn't think of any other reason she needed this person and why the creepy woman seemed to have control over her. Clearly, this woman was her pimp and keeping tight rein on her.

On a trip with my group of girl friends to my dad's lake cabin, the creepy pimp woman wasn't invited (she was never invited) but followed us 150 miles and just showed up there, whispered in my dad's ear, and then we didn't see either one of them again before we left. I mean, she wasn't there 30 minutes before she had her john, my dad (no I wasn't particulary surprised - he was divorced by then).

One prostitute within a circle of friends can systematically destroy relationship after relationship, if for no other reason than the women can see what is going on and the men pretend not to!

I finally cut this girl off completely not long after the trip, and she became my first stalker. I was very concerned for her, but I couldn't let her continue to bring poison into my group of friends and my family, and that's what prostitutes do. No matter what they tell you, it's more than money. It's a mindset and a lifestyle. I told her she needed help and recommended she go to a psychologist. I believe she left town and went back up north for some time, but she returned at some point, found out where I was working, a restaurant, and got a job there. She would try to find out who I was with and show up anyplace she could. I didn't lose her until I went on vacation from the job and never came back.

Family need to be there to support family, but there is nothing normal about a sister running an online ad for sexual services. In my opinion, she needs help to find out why she feels that of all the options in life, of all the thousands of ways she can make money and spend her time, the one that is most attractive and fulfilling to her is to be paid for subjugating herself to men. It will destroy her and many of those around her.

marcia

5/27/2012 4:40:00 PM

I would give her all the money she needs and withdraw the ad immediately. I wouldn't like to see even a stranger fall so low. So this is your sister. You have to save her, no matter how you choose to do that.

DDA

6/3/2012 12:56:00 AM

Just because someone chooses prostitution for their profession doesn’t automatically mean they have a psychiatric disorder. I’ve treated prostitutes in the past and for many their choice of their chosen profession remained even after therapy. It is possible to work as a prostitute and have a decent life -- not common, but possible, so we can’t automatically judge her to be “sick”.

DDA

6/3/2012 12:56:28 AM

And what if she didn't want to be saved, Marcia?

Lola

6/5/2012 11:49:30 AM

The common thread I've seen with women at any tier of sex work, whether it's a working prostitute or a golddigger-type trophy wife, is boundary issues that seemed to develop in childhood and that they relish the power they perceive it gives them, from their skewed perspective. They can't see past it.

DDA

6/5/2012 11:50:05 AM

True, but, you can still live a happy life -- all that being said. I’ve had patients who have done so. Never forget- there are many, many ways to be happy regardless of your circumstances

Lola

6/5/2012 5:24:03 PM

I can believe they could lead a happy life, but I can't imagine those around them doing the same. So if they have no regard for the problems it's causing others, no conscience about it, as most of them don't, then certainly THEY can be happy. Not so with all their victims of homewrecking. And usually men that will stay with them are not the best either, and then kids are brought up with more boundary issues.

marcia

8/5/2012 5:16:42 AM

If she didn't want to be saved, and wasn't during her lifetime lucky enough to have opportunities by which to realise, that she can change path and 'be saved', then, goodbye and good luck to her, we are each responsible for our own actions and we are also all totally free! Morals will never be instilled by force, it is (unfortunately) impossible ;-)

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