Dear Dr. Archer,
I wrote to you this past December, and I appreciate all of your help. You're right; I should have gotten a backbone and just asked him how he felt about me. I wish this were a success story, but it isn't.
It's May, we're graduating from college, and we're about to start our lives. While many things for seniors are changing, I'm in the same place with the same guy.
I had been hearing from close friends that he grew feelings for me, so it gave me more confidence to ask how he felt about me. As expected, he was uncomfortable but polite and said he didn't see me that way -- only as a friend.
I was hurt but made it a social priority to get over him and focus on other things. I threw myself into work, studies, hobbies, friends -- the whole nine yards like I did the last time. It was working, but at the same time I knew I wasn't completely over him. I knew I'd be upset if he started liking some other girl.
As fate would have it, two weeks ago he did find a girlfriend, so at least we now know he's not gay. I was hurt but brushed it off whenever I was in front of him.
Surprisingly, none of our close friends know about this girlfriend. I had noticed him texting more than usual and saw the girl's name repeatedly in his Inbox. Jokingly, I asked if she was his girlfriend and he said she was.
I put up a front, playing the best friend role and asked about her, how they met, etc. and he was uncomfortable talking to me about it. When news of this relationship hit everyone, they were shocked he wasn't going out with me since he told them he wanted to be with me.
When others ask about her, he mumbles or changes the subject, maybe because it might hurt my feelings? I don't know.
I'm not complaining about how nice he is to me, but it's gotten to the point where friends are getting annoyed with him and questioning his motives. He still makes most of his time for me like he was still single.
Some say I'm more important than his new relationship, or he needs me more than I need him. Some say this shouldn't matter, since we're graduating, but we're going into the same field and will be working together after graduation. He made sure of that.
Since you're the expert and my brain is obviously too impaired by this infatuation to make any sound judgment, would you say he just values my friendship? Or does he spend every waking minute of his day with me out of pity for rejecting me? Should I end the friendship altogether?
Courtney
Dear Courtney,
You did exactly what I told you to do. You asked, and then Courtney, he gave you your answer. I also told you that if he did not feel the same way as you, then to be kind to yourself and cut the ties if it was too painful for you to be around him as a friend.
If you need to be reminded, reread my response and follow my suggestions.
I also want you to read Can I Date Someone Who Doesn't Get Me? and do the same thing I told Clara, and quit making this something that it isn't. Friends? Yes, I'm sure you're both good friends.
More than friends? No, he has made that perfectly clear, so you've got to respect him for being honest. Forget what everyone else says, because they still don't know what's in his head.
I believe he values your friendship, and I do not think he pities you. I think he really likes you…..as a friend! I would end the friendship if it's too painful to remain with him in this capacity. That will be up to you.
Also, there is a slim chance that if you end the friendship he will realize how much he misses you and this may change his mind, but don’t hold your breath on that.
You have your own life in front of you. Face forward and make your future the best you can and quit looking back. Trust me, one day you're going to find the right man who loves you for the wonderful person you are.
Your only decision now is whether to remain friends or not. Based on everything you tell me, I say "nope’. Time to move on. Good luck!
Dr. Archer
