My daughter has terrible anxiety about sleeping alone...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My 12 year old daughter has terrible anxiety about sleeping and staying in her bed at night. She often ends up on my floor or in bed with one of her sisters. This is the way it's always been; it's nothing new for us.
I thought she'd out grow it, but doesn't seem to be doing so. Her response as to why is simply, "I just hate being alone. I like having someone in bed with me or on a palate on your floor." I am at a loss.
What would you recommend we do?
Kristy
Dear Kristy,
This is concerning at age 12 and these needs to be fixed now. First, you must question closely and make sure at some point there was not a traumatic event that occurred when she was alone. If so, this must be addressed.
A healthy family, whether single parent or married parents should always have healthy boundaries. There should be a separation between the generations that functions to maintain a balance of power and appropriate intimacy. This is not to restrict love between members, but rather to allow parents to share and benefit from mature adult intimacy, while fostering parental affection to the children. These boundaries should not be blurred or crossed, or the marital relationship will suffer.
When your child comes to you in the middle of the night, she is seeking warmth and reassurance, and she needs it at that moment. Get up and bring your daughter back to her bed. Tuck her in, talk softly and offer words of comfort. Perhaps read or tell a story and give her a favorite stuffed animal to hold. You can lie down next to her and offer your physical closeness and touch. Encourage her to think positively about how much she is growing, all she can do; anything to make her feel empowered. Stay as long as you wish, but then return to your bed.
Repeat this routine as long as necessary. She will learn that her room is her own special, safe place. She will soon develop a sense that she can take care of herself and she is growing up strong.
If needed, set up a positive reinforcement system. If she sleeps in her bed all night, perhaps she can read a book in bed before it's lights out.
Maybe she could stay up 30 minutes longer each night, get to go to a movie or have a girl friend sleep over on the weekend. Anything she really enjoys could be considered a reward.
To have a healthy, well-adjusted 12 year old daughter, she needs to be able to go to bed and sleep through the night on her own. Be loving, gentle, nurturing but firm. Children will get away with anything they can, but it is up to the parents to enforce what is best for the child. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
She has not seen her father in over a year...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been very fortunate with my daughter, as she is an A student and has just entered high school.
She has not seen her father in over a year, and has not spoken to him in over six months. He has made no attempt to see her. She says she doesn't care, but I believe she is angry about it.
The past couple of times she spoke to him, he was emotionally abusive towards her, so she wants nothing to do with him. Therefore, I am trying to fill the shoes of both mother and father, and it is both emotionally and financially draining.
Do you have any thoughts on how children in single parent households can deal with their anger? I would not want this to affect how she feels about men in the future, because not all men are like him. Also, I thought you may consider doing a TV show regarding this subject.
There are so many teens with absent parents, and this must be a struggle for them. Also, I'm sure there are many single parents trying to be both mom and dad who would love to hear your advice. Thank you for your help, and God Bless.
Michelle
Hi Michele,
I have already done a TV show on single parenting and this issue was addressed.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau there are approximately 14 million single parents raising children today. Some non-custodial parents are extremely active in their children's lives, while others, unfortunately, are not.
Single parenting is not all bad, Michelle. Solid parenting has less to do with having two parents in the home and more to do with the quality of the parent in that home. Your daughter needs guidance, attention and quality time, and you should be there for her. Make sure she feels loved every single day. Kiss her, give a gentle hug, tell her how much you love her, and surprise her with a little note tucked away somewhere where she'll find it at school. Show your daughter that you can move forward from the past and that you do not hold resentments. Sometimes we are overwhelmed and believe we lack the parenting skills to do a good job.
The most important fact for you to understand here is, no matter how much you wish otherwise, you have no control over what your Ex does.
What you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your daughter.
Point out that what her father is doing is inappropriate and that, indeed, this can be a lesson to her in terms of what not to look for in a man. As she enters high school and begins to date, stress to her to look for boys who have integrity. She should learn that a boy's outward behavior is a reflection of his inner personal values. She should look for boys who will honor those values when it would be much easier to make other choices. Other values to look for are faithfulness, loyalty, honesty--all essential to building a successful relationship.
All people are not like her father, and she must learn to discern the good traits that make healthy, fun, meaningful relationships. She can make up her own mind whether or not she wishes to affiliate with her father or not, but she should always know that you will be there for her.
Dr. Archer
My son slaps and kicks me and pulls my hair...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I need help. My three year old son is very hyperactive and has attitude problems. He spanks and kicks his two year old cousin and children in the neighborhood if they either touch his things or if they do something that displeases him. He slaps, kicks and pulls my hair if he is angry with me.
I do not know how to reverse this violent behavior. I have tried talking to him, putting him in a corner, or worse, spanking him. I have fears that he might grow up to kill or become a violent criminal. There are times that I wish he was never born. There are other times I wish I could just get away from him.
His father has a short temper. He has abused me emotionally and psychologically before. We are still together because he will not leave us, and I have nowhere to go. I fear that I might not be able to give my son a good life, such as sending him to school, or providing for him.
I fear that I might not be a good mother, or I might raise him the wrong way. At other times I feel disinterested in him. Oftentimes, I feel like I don't want to have anything to do with him. The feelings of connection or concern comes and goes. I know I love my son, but I cannot understand this feeling of disassociation. I hope you can help me with this. Please give me your advice. Thank you.
Dia
Hi Dia,
First you must understand that having a hyperactive child, especially a young one, is very difficult. It's not unusual Dia, as a mom to feel that you are doing a bad job or to have disinterest. This hyperactivity can put an incredible amount of stress on anyone. Approximately four to five percent of school aged children are hyperactive.
The good news is that parents of hyperactive children who were treated by psychiatrists were able to regain their psychological well-being quickly once their child received the help that was needed.
In worst cases, hyperactive children may display mood swings, inappropriate anger and can be violent. ADHD is a collection of symptoms, not a disease.
There is no specific tests to determine if a child has ADHD, but rather a diagnosis is based on the child's behavior. ADHD may improve as the child ages, so seeing a professional can help the process move forward more quickly.
The key, Dia, is to treat the underlying condition. This means making an appointment with a psychiatrist immediately. The doctor will be able to determine if your son's case is severe enough for medication. It would also be very beneficial for you to have a supportive social network including family, friends, neighbors, social services and perhaps counseling. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Could my 12 year old son have Alzheimer's...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Is it possible to have Alzheimer's at the age of twelve, or could it be Attention Deficit?
My twelve year old son seems to have been losing his mind and memory rather quickly in the past year. He used to have very good memory, but now his memory is less than one minute. He needs to be told to do things such as brush his teeth, take a bath or do his chores. When he takes out the trash he forgets to put a liner in the can afterwards and doesn't know when to remove the trash when the trash can is overflowing!
He didn't have these problems when he was six, but since he turned seven things just deteriorated. He is basically a robot now, only doing things when told and nothing else. When someone asks him to do something, it needs to be explained step by step or he will only perform half the task.
Another example is when asked to look for something, he has to be told exactly where it is, otherwise he won't use his brain to look in all possible places. He has no sense of time and no sense of what he wants be when he grows up. His main goals in life are to eat, and sleep. He sleeps over 10 hours a day. He's also premature gray; half of his hair is gray already.
I'm really getting tired of constantly reminding him of what he needs to do and when to do it. Please advise.
Larry
Hi Larry,
The youngest reported case of Alzheimer's Disease is 35 so, no, your son probably does not have that disorder. Very often with kids the symptoms you see are reflective of an underlying problem at school, home or with friends, so all of that must be explored. This indicates the possibility that this is related to something that has changed in his life.
Start with your home life. Have there been any changes in your family, marital status, or people that live with you? Maybe a change of address, new school, different friends or problems with friends? How are his grades at school? Have you talked to the teachers or perhaps the school counselor? Suspect that something is different and, if so, you must find it and address it. If nothing comes to light then your next step would be an evaluation by a psychiatrist.
If everything turns out to be normal, you need to be aware that some children are absentminded by nature. These children usually are on their way to becoming absentminded professors, musicians, painters or sculptors. Please remember that children thrive when they have structure and consistency. This does not, by any means, mean make home a boot camp. Children remember things that make them feel good, and they forget things that make them feel bad. If you are angry when you tell him to do something, he may not be able to process what you have just said. Try to remain positive, and try to keep each day well-scheduled.
Starting immediately, Larry and make sure throughout the process to give your son all the love and care that you can. It sounds like you are getting frustrated with him and that accomplishes nothing. You must realize that he does not like going through this any more than you do. Our role as a parent must be to help our children through situations like this. Keep that in mind, though I know it is difficult.
Dr. Archer
Our daughter chooses the wrong friends and boyfriends...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Lindsey is our 22 year old daughter. She is very sweet natured, smart and very attractive. As we are told time and time again she could have anything in the world she wants. She does not see this in herself, nor is she aware that she is attractive, which is refreshing.
Her two issues that we are concerned about are 1) she longs to have girlfriends, but those she aligns herself with always end up hurting her and 2) Lindsey seeks out and falls for men who are "cads - the Rhett Butler types," who use and abuse her and are emotionally harmful to her.
We are at a loss as to why Lindsey repeats both of these events over and over again. What can we do as parents to help her? Please advise.
Janet
Hi Janet,
It sounds to me that this is a self esteem issue. Typically, folks choose troubled friends and dysfunctional relationships when they think that's the best they can do and what they deserve. You even point out that she doesn't see herself as attractive or notice her good traits.
In terms of what to do however, You must first understand that your daughter is an adult. So, you must be very careful in trying to tell her how to live her life. Many times folks at this age are experimenting with a variety of things in life to see what works for them. It could be that this is merely a phase she is going through.
On the other hand, the main advice I give young people this age is to focus more on the self and who they are, and what they want out of life. Once those decisions are made then friends and relationships find you because you know what you want. This takes a lot of "alone time" and that's something that many are very afraid of--spending time with themselves. So hopefully she will figure all of this out on her own.
In the meantime, Janet, there are ways to help bolster or reinforce her self-esteem. Most importantly is to focus on her positive traits and constantly reinforce those as opposed to pointing out that her friends are mean or that her new boyfriend is a looser. Tell her how nice she looks, complement her work and take her to dinner or shopping. Positive, positive, positive is the key here. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Can I try homeopathic meds for my sons ADHD...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am the mother of 4 children: 3 girls, ages 20, 18, 17 and a son age 11. My question is about my son, who was diagnosed with mild-moderate ADHD about 3 years ago.
He is very smart and has a great imagination. He loves to write short stories and they are very good. During the summer we take him off of Vyvanse, his ADHD medication. I would like to keep him off of it permanently, if possible. He is so much more alert, creative and 'himself' when he is not taking the medication. Of course, then comes the school year and his inability to remain focused during the whole day.
Is there any natural, homeopathic way that might replace his medication? I feel anxious and guilty about the Vyvanse. My fear is that it will somehow harm him physically or mentally later on in life. Much of these medications haven't been around long enough to know for certain what the long term effects will be either physically or mentally. What if I am doing more harm than good?
Also, socially, he has some difficulties. He comes across as 'bossy' a lot of times and doesn't always seem to consider other's feelings. I am sure some of this is the result of being the youngest child and only boy. Thanks for your time.
Angela
Hi Angela,
No one likes the thought of giving their children medication, especially when it's for ADHD, which is a psychiatric condition. But the simple fact is that these medications work! I am totally opposed to any type of supplements or homeopathic treatments for psychiatric problems for two reasons.
First, they have not been extensively studied by the FDA for safety and efficacy like true medications have. Second, they are not regulated as to purity and quality, so you really never know what you are getting.
It is estimated that 5 million children in the United States have ADHD. In any given classroom across our country, that amounts to three children per classroom being diagnosed with this condition. It is definitely not a reflection of a child's intelligence, nor is it caused by poor parenting.
So, Angela, the medication must be working because you notice such a difference during the school year. Here's my advice. A drug holiday during the summer is a great idea and you may want to expand that to include weekends during school time as well. Also the good news is that many kids will outgrow this condition as they get into their middle teens.
Finally, there have been exhaustive, long term studies about these drugs and possible long term side effects. The only thing that has been found definitively in my opinion is that the kids that take these medications tend to be slightly shorter than those that don't. The drug holidays that you are doing help to normalize this side effect. So continue with his medication during the school year. Hopefully soon he will outgrow this condition. Take care.
Dr. Archer
My son bangs his head on the table...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My 18 month old started his terrible two's at 15 months. Now, for about a month, he has been hitting his head on different things, mainly the computer desk while I am working at the computer.
I am wondering if he may have a mental disorder, or if he is looking for my attention. He hits his head when he doesn't get his way, when he wants something, or when he is in trouble. I am also wondering if my sleeping during long intervals because I have sleep apnea, and my constant time on the computer, is contributing to his behavior. I am getting help for the sleep apnea now, so I am awake for longer periods than before.
I want to spend more time with my son, but this behavior is bothersome and disturbing. Another thing that bothers me is that he likes to obey his dad but not me. Is this his way of letting me know that I haven't been there for him? What should I do when he begins to hit his head on things?
Jamie
Dear Jamie,
Head banging occurs in about 20% of children, most often boys. When a toddler begins self-punishment, it is a very disturbing for adults to witness. You say you have noticed that it is more prevalent when you are at the computer and that you are at the computer for long periods of time. This may be the key to breaking this behavior quickly. Usually, head banging is due to frustration or to self-soothe. It is important that steps be taken to make him less likely to turn negative emotions on himself.
The terrible twos can start anytime after a child reaches the age of one year. He wants to test his independence, which is normal. Your child may not be able to say all that he wants to say, and that can be pretty frustrating for him- think about that. Please keep in mind that head bangers usually have a higher IQ.
Here's my advice: Start by giving your son plenty of one-on-one attention to help him feel better about himself. Play noisy, physically active games together to help him burn off steam. Then spend a little time on your computer, and after a reasonable amount of time, give your son his needed attention again. Also you must child proof his area so he won't be able to hurt himself.
In addition remember to talk to him about what you do and why. His comprehension is more advanced than his speech. Finally challenge him with toys appropriate for his age that make him think.
There is good news, Jamie. My advice should work but even so the behavior should generally end spontaneously before 4 years of age, just as quickly as it began. I doubt you'll need professional help unless the boy is actually harming himself and these interventions don't work. Being a parent is THE most difficult job in the world. It is also the most rewarding when your child grows and becomes a happy and secure member of society. Good luck, Jamie!
Dr. Archer
The children's mom is addicted to drugs...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am in a relationship with a single father. He has taken care of his two children alone since his youngest was about a year old. They are now 11 and 7 years old. The children's mom has been addicted to pain medication as well as illegal drugs. She has been arrested, jailed for 30 days, and many other undesirable things. She has not, during these seven years, paid child support, despite the court order to do so. She only calls the children when it is convenient for her.
The oldest child was just rewarded a cell phone for achieving outstanding results on his school work. It has caused a nightmare with Mom calling ever since. This son thinks his mom hung the moon, even though she doesn't support them physically or emotionally. I have been the one to clothe them, feed them, take them on vacation, etc. with their father. I do not like her interrupting our lives and causing chaos. In the past, she has put their lives in danger by driving around with them in the car after she had taken prescription medication. She almost hit another car head on! My philosophy is, since she hasn't been sober for the past seven years, it will take her seven years of being sober to prove that she has recovered. Then we will talk about her being able to see the children on a regular basis.
How can we not allow her to contact the oldest son anymore without making him feel like it's his fault? How can we explain to him without traumatizing him that we are only protecting him from an unstable upbringing? We are only trying to keep the children safe. I only want to protect them from growing up thinking that the way she lives is normal. She does not work, nor does she have a car, house or anything else that shows signs of being a productive individual. They need to grow up with morals and values, knowing that an individual needs to work hard to have the things in life that are enjoyable. Please Help.
Jane
Hi Jane,
I'm assuming that the mom is still abusing drugs and that your boyfriend has full custody of the kids, so my answer will be based on that. I totally agree that at no time should you allow the kids to drive with the Mom or be with her alone. She sounds much too unstable for that. In terms of explaining to the kids the key is honesty, honesty, honesty!
You and their father must have a talk with both children and explain the drug abuse/addiction. Tell them this is an illness and that their mother is sick. Explain that because of this you are very concerned for their safety when they spend time with her. Tell them about various unstable episodes. Say that you hope she gets help but until then there will be rules about contact. Rule # 1 and the most important is that they may not be with her alone.
As for the cell phone that really is not all bad as long as the contact is kept reasonable. Ten to fifteen minutes a day should be more than enough for the son and Mom to keep up and you can easily verify this via the cell phone records. If this is violated then he will lose his phone for a week. You must be clear that you are doing this for their protection and that this is not a punishment. Also make it very clear that if she gets treatment and gets sober for a year then you would be very supportive of them spending time together.
I will tell you Jane, that the key here is that you and your boyfriend continue to provide a warm, safe and caring environment for the kids. As they get older they will clearly see the difference between the normal you provide and the sickness of their Mom.
Dr. Archer
Will separation affect our son...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My wife and I are going to be travelling in August for work, and by this time our son will be a boisterous 15 months old. Because of where we are going it is not feasible to take him with us. He will be staying with my wife's parents.
First, will us being away for 9 days be scarring or detrimental to his ability to trust that we will be there for him? Am I overestimating his missing us? Secondly, how am I supposed to cope with being away from him? I miss him just being at work during the day! ....
Christopher
Hi Christopher,
Every parent goes through the same thoughts when they leave a young child for the first time. They ask: will this be traumatic, how will it affect their trust, how badly will they be hurt? Just remember that the key for raising a child is love and stability over the long term. Being away for nine days while leaving him with his grandparents will not be a problem at all. In fact, if you set it up as an exciting adventure, he may actually look forward to his time with them, now and in the future!
Make sure to talk to him by phone on as much of a regular schedule as possible while you are gone. Have him mark the days off on your in-laws' calendar. In addition, make sure he has all of his favorite toys and to have your wife's parents stick to a similar routine to the one you follow. Don't call your wife's parents 20 times a day, except for the first day... that's a freebie! If your son is really missing you, let your in-laws know it's ok to call. If he cries on the phone, be sure to tell him you miss him, but encourage him to have fun on HIS vacation with gramma and grampa. Whatever you do, do not lie to him and say you'll be home that night! And do not cry or tell him you are sad; that can be traumatic to a child that young.
Now that you are assured that he will be OK, the next question is "how will you be"? I can tell you that leaving your child as a parent for the first time will be much more traumatic for you than for them. Your days will pass quickly, and by day three, you may actually enjoy yourself.
Dr. Archer
How do I tell my kids about the recession...
Dear Dr. Archer,
How do I tell my three children about the economy? I've lost their college money, my 401k is less than half of what it used to be and I'm afraid I will lose my job as a maintenance manager at a large building here in Chicago.
I'm already behind on my mortgage, and my car is seven years old. I am a single mom and their deadbeat dad doesn't pay me a cent since he disappeared with a 20 year old stripper two years ago. If I lose my job, I lose everything. I voted for Obama and keep praying that he will turn this economy around, but in the meantime, what do I tell my three girls, ages 10, 13, 17?
I haven't told them anything yet, but I think they know something since they are so smart.
Jane
Hi Jane,
You must be honest and tell them exactly what's going on. With that age range, I can assure you they all know someone whose parent has already lost their job. Chances are they are already aware that things are tough on the economic front. Normally, 10 would be a little young to be completely open and honest about the economic situation. However, with the older kids, that would not be a problem, and you don't want to be in a situation where you are telling different stories to different kids.
Have a talk with your children soon and say exactly what you told me. Without instilling fear, explain to them that these economic times are difficult for the country, but that eventually they will get better.
Give them an opportunity to come up with ideas on how your family can save money. Give them the confidence that they can share in the successes of your family. Then explain that you love them unconditionally, the family will always stick together, and no matter what, they will be safe.
Dr. Archer
My daughter has Panic Disorder and can’t go to school…
Dear Dr. Archer,
My daughter has been diagnosed with Panic Disorder. She is only 15 and cannot go to school due to this disorder. She began to suffer from this condition about 7 months ago. She is also diagnosed with Depression. She is unable to be around large crowds or people her age. She is on medications and we have to watch her very closely.
How long does it usually take before the medications begin to work? She also has Social Anxiety Disorder. I really hate her not going to school. I have other children who do not show any signs of this. How does this begin?
Ruby
Hi Ruby,
Panic Attacks, Depression and Social Anxiety are sometimes seen together in a patient. When all are present, each one needs to be treated. These conditions are caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain and, fortunately, the same medications can often be used for all of them. The cause is genetic/DNA related. Often stress can serve as a trigger. So what you need to do, Ruby, is to continue to work with her Doc to get the medications adjusted appropriately. In addition, I think you should talk to your daughter to figure out if there is any type of stress in her life that may be exacerbating her chemical imbalances. If she won’t talk to you, then a therapist would be helpful.
Fifteen is a tough age with many physical, psychological and emotional challenges. Your daughter should be fine once she is on a stable medication regimen and has addressed any stressful triggers in her life. These conditions are all very treatable. Best of luck.
Dr. Archer
My friend’s daughter cuts up all her clothes...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I live in India and my neighbor’s nine years old daughter is having a very strange problem. She has been cutting things since she was four years old. She cuts school bags, note-books, clothes, newspapers etc., with blade, scissors and any sharp object. She does not cut other person's things, but only her or her family's things, but she does not do this in front of anyone. She only cuts when no one is around. She does not admit that she cut things; she says that I don't know, but they know it is her.
Her family tried everything that they could do, with love, with anger, with spankings, etc… but no results. She only says I do not know who cut it. They consulted many local psychiatrists, but again no results from their advice to her.
She is good at studies, very normal in all other activities. Her family is very tense and does not know what to do? Please help.
Amit
Hi Amit,
Though I’ve never had a patient like this, it sounds like the girl has what we define as an Impulse Control Disorder. This condition is considered to be part of the OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and OCD is a type of Anxiety Disorder. My view is that all of these have various genetic links and research is currently ongoing.
An Impulse Control Disorder is exactly what it's name implies: The victim can’t control self destructive impulses and acts out. A few classic examples are: Intermittent Explosive Disorder (anger), Kleptomania (stealing), Pyromania (setting fires) and Ttichotillomania (hair pulling).
Though I have never treated a case like this (Obsessive cutting), I suspect just like other Impulse Control Disorders, the condition is related to the neurotransmitter Serotonin. As for treatment, medication works in these other conditions so it could work with this as well, but since you’ve already seen many psychiatrists I suspect meds have already been tried. If not, then talk to a local psychiatrist about their thoughts (in this particular case) about drugs like Luvox or Anafranil (I’m not sure of their names in India).
What I try to do with patients like this is to turn the impulse into a positive focus. If she's been doing this for five years, I suspect classic punishment techniques will not help. Perhaps buy some cloth and teach the child how to cut and sew or give her a certain amount of time each day to cut items that are given to her specifically for the purpose of cutting. Even if the child doesn't want to talk about it, perhaps a box of old clothes with a note that says "for cutting only" could satisfy her compulsion and she can eventually be weaned. In addition this takes the secretiveness out of it.
Most importantly, her parents must engage the girl in as many other activities as possible. If she’s involved in after school activities like sports, theatre, music etc…. she would have little time to focus on cutting. Good luck Amit, let me know how things work out.
Dr. Archer
My son attempted suicide...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My son recently attempted suicide. He is bipolar and in a hospital and will be released tomorrow. I know he will finally be getting the medicine and therapy he needs now. I’m writing because of what this has done to me. Not knowing why he did this and wondering will he attempt to do this again? Did I cause him to do this? This is weighing very heavy on me.
I know he blames me for being in the hospital mental ward because I brought him to the emergency room when I found out what he did. I can’t stop thinking about it, I cry at the snap of a finger and I find myself having trouble concentrating. I backed my truck into a pole today at work because I couldn't get this off my mind. Not knowing why or if it will happen again is always with me. My children are my world and I don't want to burden my daughters with this. My son is 21. I am so terrified that I feel like I'm going nuts. What should I do?
Pat
Hi Pat,
Let’s go over your concerns one at a time. First you need to understand that your son has Bipolar Disorder. This is not your fault in any way, shape, or form! This is caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain...period. Unfortunately folks with this condition, especially when untreated,are at exponentially higher risk for attempting suicide. Thankfully he is now receiving treatment and this should be a key going forward in his life.
As to your question of why he did this, quite simply, Pat, it was a result of his illness. This condition can be horrible to deal with: constant uncontrolled mood swings from high to low and then back again. Over and over and over again! Many victims of the disease decide it’s just not bearable and will attempt self harm. Again, not the fault of the parent, and treatment should make a huge difference.
So, where to go from here? First educate yourself about his condition. I have many questions and answers about Bipolar Disorder in my “Advice from Dr. Archer” section under the Chemical Imbalance header. Next, have an open and honest discussion both with ALL of your children. This condition is genetic in nature and your family is at higher risk than the general population. They all need to be educated and understand this is a treatable condition, especially with early intervention.
Finally, Pat, you must also take care of yourself. It sounds like you may be developing a depression because of this huge stress. If your symptoms of crying, constant worry and inability to concentrate continue, then you need an eval yourself. You must be strong enough to hold it together for your family at this time of crisis. So don’t be afraid to get help if needed.
The good news is that Bipolar Disorder is very treatable and your son may be back to his old self very soon. Hang in there Pat!
Dr. Archer
My son likes violent video games and guns...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Having been raised in the county, I've always been pretty comfortable with the outdoors, in particular the recreational use of firearms. It was not unusual for my buddies and I to drive out to the canals and "hunt" beer cans and "crazed" soda bottles. This innocent plunking was something I passed along to my son. But now he seems to have a brooding passion for military-type assault weapons. I believe it comes from his infatuation with First Person Shooter video games, which, at the recreational level, I consider harmless. But, what parent doesn't worry that his child will turn out to be a threat to society because of something they were exposed to as a child.
At what point should I become concerned? Are there any signs I should watch for that would predict anti-social behavior or the desire to hurt others? Are my concerns valid or am I just watching too much network news?
Larry
Hi Larry,
Thousands of kids and adults play violent video games everyday and 99.99% of these have no desire to harm a soul. Even coupling the playing of First Person Shooter games to a fascination with assault rifles is no cause for concern in and of itself.
I believe the overwhelming majority of those that go on violent killing rampages are suffering from a chemical imbalance of the brain. The symptoms are there, but those around the individual just don’t want to ask or look or help. Although modern video games are extremely "life-like", I really don't think it is responsible for the rise in teenage gun violence.
Larry, have a talk with your son just to make sure everything is ok. Talk about violence in gaming and on TV. Make sure he understands that this is not real life and that there is a difference. Talk about the firearm fascination and ask why this is so exciting to him. Ask if there are any problems in his school, with his friends or with his life.
If he is not involved in sports, clubs, and extra curricular activities that get him out of the house and into the open, take the time to bring him into a hobby with you, such as fishing, or even hunting. Teaching him the responsible respect for firearms that you learned as a young man should turn his fantasy-laden fascination into a stewardship of the land, of nature, and of himself.
As long as your are actively involved with your son, know what’s going on in his life and have frequent talks, the odds are he’ll be fine. If problems develop you should be aware of these in plenty of time to get him help before things get out of control. Most folks enjoy talking about themselves and their problems, all you have to do is ask.
Dr. Archer
Stepmother knows best...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Six years ago I met my husband. At the time he was going through a divorce with his wife and they had a 6 month old daughter (Kaci). Three years later we were married, and have had shared custody up until now. The reason we no longer have shared custody is due to the distance between our home, and his daughter's school.
I find that things have been exceptionally stressful due to the differences in parenting style between us and her mother, we have more structure than her mother's home. We have rules, bed times, chores, etc. Mom's house is a free for all: jumping on furniture, throwing things where ever, and eating junk food and drinking cokes at all hours of the day and night. We have let this go on with no protest, but the time has come to find a way to approach the situation.
Kaci is now in kindergarten, and failing. We try to help her, but she is only with us four days a month, so there is only so much we can do. Her mother is now pregnant with another child, and can barely take care of Kaci. Kaci's teacher has called repeatedly and sent notes to her mother to have a conference due to her performance in school, but to no avail. Her mother either can't take off work, can't accept phone calls at work, or magically knows two weeks in advance that she will have morning sickness that day. There have also been instances where Kaci has been sick at school, or had an accident and needed clothes, and the teachers could not reach her mother and have called my husband who could not leave work to drive the hour to pick her up.
I have alerted the school to contact me at these times because I don't want Kaci to be sick or embarrassed and feel like no one cares. I have also set up a conference. I just don't understand why her mother would not care enough to do these things?
I just feel like if SOMEONE doesn't show up to the school to get help she WILL be held back and the school will feel like Kaci has NO responsible parents. By the way, I have taken care of Kaci since her father and I first started dating, she is now five. I am a very stable part of her life and want to make sure she knows I care and will do whatever I can to help. Do you think I was overstepping my boundaries by scheduling the conference and making sure I was on the pick up list? Do you think her father and I should confront her mother? What is your take?
Margaret
Hi Margaret,
There are many emotional causalities that arise from a divorce. My rule of thumb when dealing with patients in these scenarios is to ALWAYS put the kids first. Congratulations, your marriage sounds very strong and stable. Now to Kaci... I absolutely think you have NOT overstepped your bounds. I also think you should have a talk with the Mom very soon. Her behavior is unacceptable.
Furthermore you need to document everything that has happened and all events going forward. If the Mom doesn't change her ways quickly, then you will need to contact your lawyer about getting full custody and you will need all of the ammunition you can get to prove your point. If you have doubts about any action in the future just ask yourself, "What is best for Kaci?" Let that guide your decisions.
Dr. Archer
My 4 year old daughter is a dictator...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am having problems with my 4yr old daughter; she will be 5 next month. My problem is she keeps hitting and kicking others kids at her daycare. She also has a problem with listening; she thinks she is the boss. I have tried rewarding her with prizes if she is good, and that doesn't seem to be working. I have also tried taking away favorite toys, that doesn't work. I have also tried "time out" and that doesn't work. Is there anything you would suggest I try? Please email let me know. Thank you for your time spent reading this email.
Klarissa
Hi Klarissa,
First I must commend you and say that you’re already performing all the behavioral activities that I would normally recommend to a parent with a problem child. The only advice I would add is that the punishment (taking toys, time out) and rewards (prizes, etc…) should be carried out in a very systematic fashion. This means all the time. If you only give a reward occasionally or punish sometimes but not others, the effect is lost. So, come up with a regimen and stick to it.
Try something like making a chart with distinct goals (ie: a good day at daycare equals a star...5 stars equals a prize, three days with no sticker equals a punishment). Sometimes it may take a few weeks for the desired results.
If your daughter likes being the boss, try making her the boss of tasks like the grocery list or the chore calendar. Allow her to lead in a positive way. Often, children with strong leadership (or dictatorial) tendencies thrive when they are allowed to be in charge of projects.
If you’ve already been taking these steps and it’s not working then it’s time for professional help. Start with a therapist for an evaluation of your daughter. Often, a single visit can give you insight into her particular mindset and allow the development of a program that works. The good news is you seem to have very good instinct, and that this type of behavior often gets better with age.
Dr. Archer
My neighbor's son seems like a robot...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My neighbor has a twelve year old boy that my wife and I think is like a robot. We noticed that every time we came to their house for a get-together, he seemed to be "lost in space" and act like he's in another world. When we have a cook out, he has to be told to set the table before eating and to clear his place and help clean the table after. When there’s food, however, he quickly grabs it before anyone has a chance to start and then eats like someone who hasn't eaten for weeks!
We’ve also noticed that he's very greedy and selfish, and the sad thing is that he seems to have no clue that he should help take care of, or defend his two little brothers when there's rough house play with other children. He seems to be more concerned about playing games, food and sleep. As for other activities, he has to be told what to do even though he is fully capable of the task when asked to do it. Is it possible for a person to be born without independent thinking?
Is it possible to not be able to do normal activities such as: brush one's teeth, have a sense of time or know what to do in normal everyday life? Could his problem be attention deficit disorder, mild retardation, autism or the effect of alcoholism (his mom is a reformed alcoholic)? This boy does well in school, though. Keep up the good work.
Steven
Hi Steven,
I suspect that the child has what we now call Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). This is a compilation of 3 illnesses which I believe are closely linked along a spectrum. These are Autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder and Aspergers syndrome. For a deeper explanation about these conditions please go to Wikipedia. This disorder is thought to be very genetically based but there is still a lot of research yet to be done. A spectrum disorder can be defined as a continuum of symptoms ranging from mild (barely noticeable) to severe (requiring an institution).
The symptoms here are summed up as: An impairment of social communication and interaction, along with restricted activities and interests. Repetitive behaviors are often present. Basically to the outside observer (in mild to moderate cases) these individuals appear to be just a bit strange. Treatment may consist of of therapy and/or medication depending on the severity of the illness.
Obviously you're in a difficult position as the friend of boy’s parents. So, what to do? I’d say, Steven, if you're only a casual acquaintance then say nothing; if these folks are very good friends then just ask! You would be amazed at how many friends never ask about a difficult situation because they feel it’s none of their business. You would also be surprised how many people (especially friends) will welcome the interest and completely open up. If they ask for your advice, recommend a child psychiatrist for an in depth evaluation. Take care.
Dr. Archer
My young son misses his dad so much...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a 4 year old son who is a very kind, loving, and relatively obedient boy. His father has been in his life on and off, and has a history of drug use and abusive behavior with his girlfriends, including me. He signed his rights away 6 months ago, but I have tried to keep him, and his family in my son's life.
In the past couple weeks, I have made a decision to restrict the amount of time he can see my son, and cut out overnight visits. I have offered to let my ex see him, say, on a Sunday between 9am to 6pm, but he has refused because it is inconvenient for him. I simply cannot keep all the drama, yelling, and upset that does along with that man. My son is getting too old, and he's absorbing too much. I will not let him learn that it's ok to hit a woman.
The problem is, my son misses his dad. A male friend of mine hugged him the other day, and he burst into tears. When he is cranky, gets in trouble, or gets upset, he will say "I MISS MY DAD", and sometimes it makes me cave in, but other times it makes me FURIOUS! I never know when it's a ploy to get me to give him his way, or when he genuinely needs his father. I never deny my son an opportunity to talk to his dad on the phone, but often times, my son doesn't want to talk.
What can I do to ease this transition time, to make sure my son's not using this as his trump card, and to not do any damage to him? My trusted friends say I'm doing the right thing, and that he will not remember this time harshly as he gets older. But it breaks my heart to see him so sad. Am I doing the right thing?
Lindsey
Hi Lindsey,
There are a couple of issues here. The first is that if your EX has signed his rights away, then you probably have the absolute say regarding visitation. Just put your child first, no matter what. You should check with your divorce lawyer to verify the above, but don't feel guilty about this, you're just being a good mom.
Next and more in line with my expertise is the drama and physical abuse. This is NEVER acceptable and if you are being hit by this man then first you should file police charges immediately. Next, you are correct in setting the proper example for your son- i.e. letting him know that violence is never acceptable. Your trusted friends are correct. The transition time will be difficult, but as your 4 year old grows up he will be better able to comprehend your rationale and you should be very honest with him going forward.
Stick to your guns here Lindsey, you're doing the right thing. If the dad really wants to spend time with his son then it needs to be on the proper terms, without physical risk or confrontation. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Seems like nothing we do is good enough for our 32 year old daughter...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband and I have a 32 year old only child who we feel continually tries to start an argument with us when things don't go her way. If we try to do something nice, we never do it “right”. Even when we pay for things like car repairs, or volunteer to do things like babysit, she finds some angle to complain about. We feel like we are always walking on eggshells with her. Before she moved back home, she told us that we would have to help them or they couldn't move here.
We are not wealthy, but we help any way we can. Most recently, we bought tickets to a monster truck show as a surprise for my daughter and her husband. In an earlier conversation, she had said her 2 year old daughter was too young to attend. Last night she was mad that the youngest couldn't go and said we should have consulted her. She had changed her mind, and wanted us to buy another ticket for my granddaughter to sit on her lap.
Here we are a few days before Christmas and it has turned into an all out war. She called us rude and immature, and I called her rude in return. She has threatened us with moving back to North Carolina if we thought she was that bad of a person. I could never imagine talking to my parents in that way! She often responds to me with “whatever” or” just forget it.” I was brought up to respect your parents no matter what, and appreciate everything they did for you. Any input? Sincerely.
Roxinne
Hi Roxinne,
Unfortunately this is a common question I receive from my patients when their children use the grand-children as a threat to get what they want. So here are a few key points to consider.
First: the more you give in to threats, the more susceptible you become to threats. Every time your daughter states, "you have to pay for me or else" or "If you don't do that, I'll leave" and you give in, you are giving her power to continue with this activity. She knows its working.
Next: someone can only make you feel like you are walking on eggshells if you allow them the power to do so. The same holds true if you accept answers such as "whatever" or "just forget it". This is not acceptable.
So here's the deal, Roxinne. Communication is the key. You can't control your daughter's behavior but you can certainly control your own. That means no name calling, confrontation or allowing an "all out war". You must maintain self control and be calm… no matter what. If she becomes rude or abusive you respond with “we'll talk about this tomorrow when things calm down.” If she questions your generosity, then say: "well next time we'll let you do it yourself, we're sorry" If she complains about no ticket for your daughter then just say: "well next time we won't plan a surprise for you."
I suspect your daughter really feels guilty that she must depend on you so much, and this is her way of trying to defend her own self worth. But you have to realize that in the end you must maintain your own self esteem and counter with a reasonable and measured response.
Also, it is important to tell her that you love her and you are glad to have her in your town and life, but you will not allow her to threaten to take your granddaughter away from you everytime something is not to her liking. In poker tournaments, we have a saying: In order to live you must be willing to die. This means that when you play, you have to be willing to go broke in order to survive and win. Otherwise, you're just slowly grinded down to nothing and go bust. You're in the same situation: In order to have a worthwhile life with your daughter and granddaughter, you have to take a stand and be willing to lose them. You must insist on a reasonable and fair relationship.
Otherwise, you will live a life of continually caving in to your daughter’s unreasonable demands. And these demands will continue to escalate. Of course you don't want to loose your daughter and granddaughter, but you don't want to be held hostage either. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My husband met his 18 year old son for the first time last night...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband just met his son (95% sure) last night and we did a home DNA test and sent it away! He always thought he was the father, but the mother denied it & recanted it so many times in his 18 yrs of life that he took it upon himself (the son) to locate & contact my husband. Needless to say we are tickled that finally we will know for sure. I've known about this probable son since I met my husband and I am happy to be with him and to finally find out and get to know his son along with him.
My question is how do we explain this situation and person-brother to my very inquisitive 5 yr old daughter? We also have a 15 month old so whatever we start we will be following thru with in her!
Nikki
In this situation: Rule # 1 is honesty and rule # 2 is don't forget rule # 1! No matter how your husband came to be the father of this young man, you certainly don't want there to be even the hint of deception when explaining this to your 5 year old (or anyone else for that matter).
Also, for a 5 year old you obviously need to keep it simple and you don't need to go into great detail - that will come as she gets older. So, I would suggest telling your daughter that she is going to have a new, big brother. And that her new brother is currently living with his Mommy and that now he wants to come for a visit. Don't be negative about the mom and make sure to let her know how happy you all are, so that the situation is seen as a big, wonderful surprise. Based on how inquisitive she is and her questions at the time, you may need to give more information, which is fine - answer everything she asks until you are satisfied she understands as much as she can for her age. Just remember rules 1 and 2.
By the way, I want to commend you Nikki, for your acceptance and support of your husband in this situation. The families that tend to have problems with this type of thing are those that try to tell a big lie or present a cover up. To be frank, as open minded as you and your family appear to be, I doubt you will have any problems with this at all. Just remember the rules.
Dr. Archer
Who should choose where our grand-daughter lives...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a big family problem. I have a 13 year old grand-daughter Kathy who has lived with us most of her life. Kathy's mother has just gotten remarried and wants her to move back home and start living with her but Kathy wants to stay with us and I agree but my husband thinks that Kathy should move back home with her mother. This is causing a lot of problems in our home and our marriage. He thinks it isn't good for Kathy not to be with her mother. What do you recommend? None of the people will agree to counseling.
Lilly
Hi Lilly,
The solution is to put Kathy’s needs first. Most states have an age at which adolescents can choose where they want to live and I think Kathy is approaching that age. But even more importantly is that she’s 13 years old and a person and all of you should consider what she wants - not what you want.
You shouldn’t make her go and live anywhere she doesn’t want to be. Her mom needs to realize that her relationship with her daughter is for the long term and if she’s been missing from Kathy’s life then she needs to slowly earn back Kathy’s trust and respect.
Thus, it’s a very short sighted solution for anyone to make her stay with the mom. Mom can put out the effort to plan events and activities with Kathy over time and should strive to rebuild the mother-daughter relationship. The ideal solution would eventually be to have Kathy happy in either home and have a strong relationship with the entire family. But again this takes time, so go slowly and involve Kathy in all of the discussions about her life. Again, she needs to come first.
Dr. Archer
Is my friend's young daughter being abused...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Below is a story written for a class assignment by a friend's young daughter. We are very concerned that this is indicative of some type of sexual abuse. What are your thoughts?
"Once upon a time, in a time of wizards and castles . There lived a queen named Emily. One day Emily was picking flowers and a big troll with a square face took the queen and ran into the woods quickly. The queen yelled "QUIT". It was quiet for a moment then Emily hit him with her cane. The troll took the cane and broke it. He squeezed and squashed the queen until she couldn't move. The next day he ate her and lived "Happily ever after". The End". Thank you.
Roxy.
Hi Roxy,
You certainly can't make a determination for abuse based on a single story written by a young child. There could be numerous explanations for this, say a recent TV show, cartoon, book etc.... Children have active imaginations so if this is the only evidence for concern then I wouldn't worry. But to make sure, the Mom can have a talk with her daughter and ask about the story and what it means and this may yield some information. And if there are other things she has said or done to raise a red flag (especially if she has specifically said something has happened) then a pattern may be emerging. In that case a call to Child Protective Services is definitely indicated. They would come and do an assessment and evaluation. However my guess is that this is just a story and no cause for alarm.
Dr. Archer
I feel so guilty about my children's dog being killed...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have to start from the very beginning. We had a Min Pin dog that was 12 years old, and about 2 years ago, he ran away. We never found him, so we told our 4 year old daughter that Max (min pin) found a girlfriend, and we would have to get her another dog. We bought her a miniature Daschund puppy. The kids loved the dog but I could not stand it because it was constantly using the bathroom in the house. They knew I didn't care for the dog, and would always say how mean I was to "Lucky".
We live on 3 acres and on a cul-de-sac, so I would let Lucky outside without being put on a leash to go to the bathroom. something like that in the woods. Then I hear this animal screaming for his life. I had never heard an animal cry so loud except maybe when my dad hit our dog with a car. I just kept listening (I couldn't do anything because they were in the woods), and I thought "some poor animal just got killed".
At this point I'm not thinking it was Lucky, because I thought that Lucky was on the couch with my husband. Or was I even thinking; did I even care? So I go in, I never check to see if Lucky is on the couch, and I go to bed. He usually sleeps with me, so I wake up around 4.00 and ask John, who is on the couch, if Lucky is with him. He said no. I thought, oh crap. Hope that wasn't Lucky in the woods!
The next morning, no Lucky. I'm sick at work about it just thinking of that dog crying for his life, and me not doing anything. Get home from work, no Lucky. By this point, I know it was Lucky that I heard in the woods.Emma, my 5 year old, asks me not to leave her food on her little table because Lucky will get it. I told her that I think Lucky may have found a girlfriend. She immediately gets upset with me, saying oh no, not like Max. I said, "Well Emma, let's just see what happens. He probably will be back." In the meantime, I'm thinking how do you tell a 5 year old that her dog is not coming back, and probably got killed? I thought I need to Google that soon so the next time she asks me I will have a more comforting way of telling her.
Well night before last, she crawled in my bed. I heard her whimpering, so I turned on the lamp and asked her what was wrong. She said "you hated Lucky and you were mean to him and that's why he's not here!" Ok, well I'm thinking that I should have searched the best way to talk to your kid about the death of their animal. That's when I thought, should have asked you on your website (seriously!). So I said, Emma, I didn't let your dog out on purpose so he would run away. He had to go to the bathroom. She said, "you just can't keep animals, all you do is loose them. You let Max outside and he ran away, and now you let the same thing happen to Lucky. You should get a leash like normal people do and then he can't run away." She is crying so hard, like she is just so broken hearted, the most sincere cry that I have ever seen. She wasn't loud, just real softly crying, with tears falling down like crazy, which told me that she is hurting inside. I feel terrible, and so helpless. She kept saying how "very, very cute" he was, and how he would always play with her when her brother wouldn't play with her. By this time, I have no words! My husband is just looking at me like...OK, now what?
We redirected her with let's get an outside dog. Nothing mattered. I finally start crying because I hear the dog screaming for his life in my head, and I knew that the dog wasn't coming back, so I couldn't say "we'll find him". And how do I tell her that I heard a coyote or something wild get him..I have never felt so helpless when it comes to my child. And not having control over the situation was killing me. Usually I can put a band aid on it somehow. There wasn't anything I could say or do, and I just laid there with her until she cried herself to sleep. She wants Lucky. She said we need to put signs out, because he is very cute and someone will find him.
I really needed help in a bad way! I could not imagine how I would deal with my child losing a sibling, or a parent...someone close to them. This is hard enough. I know the story is long, but please help!
Patty.
Hi Patty,
What a tragic story. I'm sure your whole family is heartbroken about what happened to Lucky. In a situation such as this we all want to protect our children from pain as much as possible but here is a case where, first and foremost, you must look to yourself Patty. Since it sounds like you've already had a discussion with your kids over the loss I want to proceed from there.
No doubt that you are truly distraught over the loss of Lucky because of the potential tragic death, the reaction of your children and the fact that they don't see you as a good 'mother' for the family pets. But equally clear is the fact that you didn't care for the dog and this sets up an ambivalence that you must reconcile within yourself.
First you must understand that just because you didn't like the dogs in no way means that you were responsible for Lucky or the loss of your first dog. The first Min Pin was 12 years old so you must have been an excellent caretaker to have kept him for that length of time.
So, you must immediately stop trying to analyze your subconscious as to whether you were responsible. The loss of the dogs was not your fault and you have to let that go. Sure we can always second guess our actions and think of what we would have done differently but in this case it is what it is and you must move on and forgive yourself. Next in most cases with the loss of a pet my first advice is always to get another one very soon to help fill the void. But in this case I advise caution. You have to decide if you (not your family, but YOU) want another dog. Sounds like you are the primary caregiver for the family pet and if you really don't like dogs then it would be foolish to get another.
Of course you will also take into account the feelings of your children and husband in this self analysis; but unless you are really willing to fully commit to another dog then don't do it. Once you've made your decision then it's time to have a discussion with the family. In terms of what to tell your children, there is no need to give the graphic details of what you suspect happened. Talk to them about life and loss (which is a part of all of our lives) in general and make sure to share with them how upset you are as well. This needs to be an ongoing process and most importantly here is for you to be available to your children to discuss their feelings. If you've decided that you want another dog then make that a group effort that the whole family participates in and talk about ways to make sure that everyone is involved in the safety of your pet.
Also, consider a fenced yard or an outdoor kennel and perhaps a larger dog that could better defend himself against wild animals. If you've decided no dog, then this also needs to be a family discussion. Explain your reasons and then perhaps discuss an alternative: Perhaps another pet (cats are much lower maintenance for example) or certain animal related activities like trips to the zoo or aquarium, horseback riding lessons, etc.... Good luck Patty. Take care of yourself first and the rest will fall into place.
Dr. Archer
My granddaughter's 'real' mother wants her back now...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My sister's granddaughter, Suzy, is 13 and has lived 80% of her life with my sister and her husband. Her mother became pregnant in high school, so my sister became the primary caregiver to this child. She lived with her mother for about a year or maybe 18 months when she was 8 or 9 during one period of relative stability in her mother's life. Even during that time the child was at her grandmother's 2 or 3 days each week.
Her mother has had numerous men friends in and out of her life and when one was in, the child was out. Now she has met a man that cared enough about her to marry her, so the mother wants to "have her family together". However, the child, now 13, and having been permanently living with grandmother and grandfather for the past 3 years, does not want to move back in with her mother. Grandfather feels sorry for mother and thinks the child should go back to mom, because "mom is trying so hard to make her life work". Grandmother is opposed, because child does not want to go. I forgot to mention, during these past 3 years, Mom has made zero effort to be a part of child's life.
As you can imagine, the stress factor in this family is very high and is causing turmoil especially between granddaughter and grandfather, and grandfather and grandmother. What would you suggest for a peaceful, and fair resolution?
Wendy
Hi Wendy,
The first thing to consider here is a consult with a family law specialist just to know where things stand. At a certain age, the adolescent can actually choose with whom they would prefer to live and it can be binding. I'm definitely not saying you should make a legal case out of this but it would be good to know if there are any laws that may hold precedence.
OK, as for a compromise. This doesn't have to be an all or none situation. Let's analyze. The mom has obviously gone through a turbulent life. Sounds like she's got things back on track, hopefully for good, but who knows? The daughter, Suzy, is scared to go back to her Mom due to the instability that's always been there and also she's obviously become very close to your sister who has really served as the primary care giver throughout the child's life. My compromise would be to proceed cautiously. The mother has to prove she is responsible enough to care for the child and the child has to feel wanted and secure. Also your sister needs to remain involved in Suzy's life. Since this is the middle of the school year why not start with Suzy spending every other weekend with her mom?
This is a test for both sides to see how Suzy gets along with the new husband, her Mom and the current living situation. This can progress if all sides agree its working. BUT, advise the parties to take it very, very slowly. This situation developed over years and it's not going to be fixed in a week or a month. There are many people and personalities involved here and the needs of each and every one must be taken into consideration.
Dr. Archer
My 14-year-old daughter hates everything...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I know teens are supposed to be challenging, but I'm worried about my 14-year-old daughter.She is withdrawn and basically hates everything - all the things she used to like to do, spending time with us, her home, school - everything. I feel like I've lost a family member.Is this completely normal or should we be concerned?
Leslie
Hi Leslie,
Teens are indeed challenging as they make the transition from childhood to adulthood. They typically push parental authority beyond the limit, choose their peer group over their family, are rebellious and often withdrawn. So basically what you describe is "normal," but there are still things you can do to help.
First, schedule fun events she would enjoy that include you and a friend or two of hers: perhaps a shopping trip, a weekend at the beach or tickets to a show or concert. It's important you keep trying even if she rejects your first few offers.
Also continue to have conversations with her about life, and share stories about your own childhood. In all likelihood this is just a phase and will pass within a year. However you do need to be on the lookout for two potential problems that require immediate attention. The first is drug abuse. Though this can be difficult to detect, you need to be on the lookout for any indication of this problem.
The next concern is that your daughter may have a chemical imbalance depression. Either of these problems would indicate the need for immediate psychiatric help. But, chances are she is going through a normal teenage phase, which is no fun for you, but is probably not a reason for serious concern. Like centuries of parents before you Leslie, you just have to hang in there until the more adult version of your daughter emerges. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Do children need a male role model...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I saw your response to the divorced mother worried about her children not wanting to talk to their dad. I was wondering if, in this situation where a dad is barely in contact with his kids, how will this affect them long-term? I have an 11-year-old girl and 16-year-old boy. I've been divorced three years. They seem happy and well-adjusted, but is not having a good father as a male role model going to cause them problems as parents or adults?
Roxanne
Hi Roxanne,
The times they are a-changing when it comes to the norm for family structure. As we all know, this is becoming an all-too-common scenario, where one parent is absent from a child's upbringing. Obviously the ideal would be to have both parents together while raising a family but this is not reality.
On an interesting note, the broken home is now such a large percentage that in many communities and neighborhoods it represents the rule, not the exception. This makes acceptance by a child much easier when they see that many of their friends are in the same boat. Years ago, a large part of the problem was caused when a child whose parents were divorced was one of only a few kids from a divorced family in the whole school.
Finally, there is no compelling evidence that one parent being absent will definitively lead to problems down the road. It's much more important that children are raised in a loving, supportive environment, regardless of how many parents are present. Children need parental involvement, along with unconditional love and support. This can be provided by one parent as well as two. So Roxanne, as long as you are providing a good role model of a responsible parent and adult, they will have the tools they need to become well-adjusted and happy. Take care.
Dr. Archer
My daughter has no friends and her life is ruined...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My daughter has been having problems with the kids at her school. She has made some bad decisions with her personal life and went back and told this girl that she thought was her best friend the things she did. Well that friend went back and told everybody in the school. Now because of that and other rumors that got spread about her, all of her friends who were supposed to be behind her have turned their backs on her.
Now she feels like she has no friends and her life is ruined. My husband and I keep telling her that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she will come out of all this, but she just keeps crying and telling us that she wants to get home schooled. I just don't think that would solve her problems; I think that would just make things worse. She feels left out and abandoned, and I don't know what else I can do to help her. I am very disappointed in the friends that she supposedly had and I wish someone would wake up and ask, "Why are we being so mean to her?" My daughter is usually a very outgoing, sweet, lovable child, but now she is depressed, crying non-stop, and feels alone. Please tell me what I can do or if she may need professional help. Thank you.
Amber
Hi Amber,
The adolescent years are certainly tough for teenagers, and often even harder for their parents. At this age the peer group is everything, and thus being ostracized by their group is a teen's worst nightmare. As a parent, it can be very hard to know the right way to help, without being too protective. Valuable life lessons are learned during adolescence, and one of the worst things a parent can do is "fix" every problem. However, there are some things you can do to help your teen find her own way.
First, you need to be understanding and extremely supportive. Schedule things to do with your daughter: a fun weekend trip, shopping after school or maybe attending sporting events with her dad. Keep reinforcing that she's a good person and that there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel. Tell her stories about your childhood when things were tough, particularly your most embarrassing moments and how you coped with them. In addition, for this specific situation, a call to the parents of her friends could help. They could talk to their teens about the situation, and that may resolve the issue. The good news is peer groups at this age can be very fickle.
Before you even implement your plan to take her mind off the problem, your daughter could be back "in" with her group, for no apparent reason. However, as you describe the situation at this point, it's clear that your daughter is depressed. If the crying and withdrawal continue, then counseling, or perhaps even medication, may be indicated. Keep a careful watch on these two symptoms, and if they persist over several weeks, then a psychiatric evaluation is needed.
Finally Amber, home schooling should be your a last resort and only on the advice of a professional. That would not solve the problem per se and could increase the withdrawal, possibly making things worse. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I keep sending my adult daughter money...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I came to live to New Orleans from Guatemala to educate my daughter, who is now 25. I would do anything to help her have a good future. No sacrifice is too great. I have helped fund her education and I still send her $1,000 a month. She has changed her major a few times, had some problems and seems to have lost her way, after completing a year of medical school. She dropped out and now doesn't work or go to school. She is ungrateful, we fight a lot and I've noticed she doesn't have a lot of friends. She is sad and depressed and makes poor decisions. How can someone with such promise, who had everything given to her, and so many opportunities, just be getting nowhere in life? Could it be because she never had a father? What can I do? Any advice would be appreciated.
Lily
Hi Lily,
I think your daughter is depressed and may well have a chemical imbalance. You also have to consider the possibility of drug abuse. One thing I'm not clear on is why you are sending her money as she's a grown adult and should certainly be supporting herself. So, you need to have a talk with her about life and responsibility. Bring up your concerns about depression and drug use. Discuss the possible need for psychiatric help but remember in the final analysis this needs to be her decision. Tell her you love her but it's time for her to start supporting herself. Don't take the money away all at once but rather come up with a plan to slowly taper your funding. Young people need to learn how to take responsibility for their life and this cannot be accomplished as long as a parent is subsidizing them. Sometimes Lily, the best help we can give our grown children is to take away the support we're giving in order to let them make it in the world on their own. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Should I be honest with my children about my ex...
Dear Dr. Archer,
How honest should you be with children about their absent parent? I've been divorced for over a year.
My ex has moved away and basically his only contact with our two children (boy, age 15 and girl age 13) is a phone call or two each week. They ask a lot of questions about whether or not he is sending child support (not regularly), why he moved, when he will visit, and others in general about why he has behaved the way he has.
While I don't want to lie to them, the truth would hurt them. I have no desire to make their father look any worse in their eyes than he already does, but I also don't feel it would be right to create a fictional story about their father. I wish he were a better father and they are getting short-changed. What should I do?
Danielle
Hi Danielle,
Honesty is always the best policy. Your children are clearly old enough to understand this scenario in its entirety.
Though I respect your desire not to make their father look bad, in this situation I would say 'It is what it is'. So, Danielle even though the truth may be painful for them at this point I can promise you that in the long run it is much better than any type of deception on your part that could backfire on you when they finally do learn the truth....and they will. Then, in addition to seeing their father as being irresponsible, they would see you as being dishonest. Sit them down, have an open and honest discussion and answer all of their questions immediately. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Too many violent video games...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Please tell parents who let their children play video games to be sure they limit their child's play time and make sure they do not buy games that are violent.
I'm currently trying to correct a situation with my stepson. He is totally consumed by the games his mother buys for his Gameboy. He behaves like characters in these games, such as believing if he eats mushrooms he'll gain super power. He walks like the characters as well and has a habit of blurting out unintelligible words and breaking out in singing at all occasions. His mom lets him play games from the time she goes to work until she returns at the end of the day.
My stepson is now 10 and he doesn't know how to do simple things like brushing his teeth, washing his hands or when to take a bath. He acts and behaves like a robot or like one of the characters in his game collection. I'm trying to get psychological help and counseling for him.
The only good thing is that he does well in school. It seems this weird behavior goes away when he's at school or under a controlled environment. I hope my stepson can be cured of this behavior soon. If not, he'll be useless.
Hopeful
Hi Hopeful,
Whether we like it or not video games, TV, the internet and movies are firmly entrenched in our culture and are here to stay. The key to this, as in all things in life, is moderation.
You should ensure your stepson understands the difference between a game or movie and reality. There should be definite limits on hours spent in a video world and a good balance with "real world" activities.
Also, you should take an active interest in the games/videos he enjoys and occasionally play or watch with him. You will develop a much better understanding of what he is viewing, and can help him make comparisons between games and real life. I advise you and his father and mother to all sit down together and come up with a reasonable plan on hours spent in his various activities. If the adults can't agree, the child will know this and constantly play one side against the other.
The good news in this situation is that he does well while he is with his friends at school and in a controlled environment. Thus I am not overly concerned. Take care.
Dr. Archer
I want to start dating, but what about my children...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a recently divorced mother of three boys, ages 9, 7 and 3. I think I am ready to start dating but am worried about the effect this might have on my sons. How and when is the best way to introduce new men into their lives?
Karen
Hi Karen,
You are wise to give this issue careful consideration. As you are aware, divorce is a major disruption in the lives of children.
Even if their father is doing a great job of maintaining a relationship with them, your children willstill become attached to a new man in your lifeand bond quickly. Then, if there's a breakup, it can bedifficultand lead to a "revolving door dad" situation. However, that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to move on with your life and date. You just need to be very careful about both allowing your sons to meet a new man in your life, and allowing them to bond with that person.
Explain to your sons that you are dating, but don't rush to make introductions until you know, or can predict with fair confidence, that this is going to be a long-term relationship. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My stepson is unaware of anything around him...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have question regarding my 10-year-old stepson. He displays the following symptoms: He is unaware of anything around him day after day, i.e., he would walk past and many times stepped on items that are right under him.
He doesn't have any independent initiatives or thinking. He has to be ordered to do things or else he just sits/stands and doesn't have a clue. The only things he excels in are playing games on his Nintendo and Gameboys, He is very hooked on this. He also eats lots of food and falls asleep after he eats.
His school work is fine. He is a single task person and his memory is like that of an Alzheimer patient: no short term memory. He does things very slowly. I tried to tell my wife to have his head examined but my wife refuses to do so. Your suggestions/recommendations are greatly appreciated.
Baffled
Hi Baffled,
Here's the deal. You are not giving any information in your question that causes me undue concern. The good news is that he excels with his Nintendo, Gameboy and schooling. Thus it is highly unlikely that he has any type of neurological condition or a memory disorder.
My suspicion is that this boils down to a relationship issue between you and your stepson. I suggest seeking activities that the two of you can participate in together such as fishing, attending sporting events, or going to the beach. I think you will find that by developing a closer personal relationship with him that the other issues will cease to be a problem. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Has my son got an eating disorder...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm worried about my 15-year-old son. He says he is worried about gaining weight, but he is very thin.
Now that he knows I'm concerned, he is eating more, but still just about half of his meal, and then he tells me he is full and his stomach hurts. Can boys have an eating disorder and what should I do?
Jana
Hi Jana,
Yes, boys and men can have eating disorders even though it is more common in girls and women. The fact that your son is worried about gaining weight when he is actually very thin is concerning.
The good news is that now that he knows you are worried he is attempting to eat more. My advice is to continue working with him, make sure that you focus on foods that he enjoys and likes to eat and follow the situation closely.
If you don't continue to see positive results over the next several months then a psychiatric evaluation may be indicated. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Does ADHD cause depression...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Are children with attention deficit disorder more likely to be depressed? My son is 11 and was diagnosed over a year ago. At times, he seems very withdrawn and I worry that he may be depressed.
Darrell
Hi Darrell,
Depression is, in fact, more common in children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, (ADHD). Exact numbers are not available due to the fact that both ADHD and depression are often undiagnosed, but experts estimate that between 10% and 30% of children with ADHD also have depression. It's easy to understand why, if you think about it.
Children with ADHD often have difficulty with school, leading to poor self-esteem. They are also overactive and have impulse control issues. This leads to difficulties with social relationships and means they are less likely to be invited to the birthday parties, don't get invited back for play dates, and get ostracized by their peers on the playground.
With this scenario it is very easy for you to see how depression could become a major issue. I would recommend that you contact your child's doctor about your concerns so that he can be evaluated and properly treated for depression if indicated.
Dr. Archer
What age is OK for our daughter to start dating...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband and I disagree about when our daughter should be allowed to date. She is 15, almost 16. She is very mature and responsible.
I would trust her now, depending on the circumstances, and feel she should be allowed to go on a date occasionally. He says she can't go on a date until she is 17.
Liz
Hi Liz,
This is a universal debate among parents of young teenagers. I encourage you not to let age alone be the determining factor in this decision.
Your daughter's level of responsibility and maturity are what you need to evaluate. There are some 14-year-olds who are mature enough to be trusted on a date and other 18-year-olds who are too irresponsible for this to even be an option. Other factors in addition to maturity are the maturity of their date, the level of supervision, where they are going, what they are doing, who else will be present, etc.
I do agree this should be a decision you and your husband make together, but allow your daughter to have input and explain why she, (not her friends), feels she deserves to be able to date. I also recommend that you outline dating rules: where she can go, how long, how late, and whether she can be alone with the other person.
Be sure to always set consequences that will occur should she break the rules, and more importantly, make sure she understands that by following the rules she proves her responsibility and gains your trust which will lead to more freedom in the future. Thus, this becomes a work in progress for the three of you to negotiate as a family as she matures. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Dating almost always presents concerns to the parents. How did you handle this? Share your story about when your teen began dating. We'd like to hear from you.
Dr. Archer
My foster children have explosive tempers...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have two foster children ages 5 and 7. They have been with us for five months. Their mother is a cocaine addict. Both children seem to have high levels of frustration and sometimes explosive anger. Is this because of their mother's addiction?
Caroline
Hi Caroline,
The key point here is that genetics play a huge role in terms of our mental health. The fact that the children's mother is a cocaine addict indicates that they are at higher risk for a psychiatric condition. In addition, the instability associated with growing up in what must have been a horrible environment may indeed lead to issues of impulse control and easy frustration.
The best thing you could do at this point Caroline, is to provide a stable, loving and caring environment for these children. Also I would definitely have both children evaluated by a child psychiatrist as I suspect that medication may be needed. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Do you have a similar story to share with Caroline? Children need all the love, support and patience we can muster to provide a nurturing environment. Sometimes, however, outside forces are necessary. Share your story.
Dr. Archer
My daughter is angry and impatient...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I think my 14-year-old daughter may need counseling. She has always had some problems with anger and impatience, but this has been getting worse now that my husband and I are divorcing. I've talked to her about counseling and she is adamantly against it. Should I make her go?
Suzie
Hi Suzie,
The two most important issues in terms of getting effective help for a psychiatric condition in a teenager are a) your daughter must realize she has a problem and b) she has to want to get help for this.
By forcing her into therapy you are obviously overruling these two most important prerequisites for effective treatment. In terms of the anger and impatience you need to sit down with her and have a talk to point out specific episodes where these have been an issue.
She probably would not hesitate to seek help from a teacher if she didn't understand her schoolwork, or from a doctor if she felt ill. But in many cases, especially in teens, there is a stigma attached to seeing a mental health professional.
You should continue to have open and honest discussions with her on a regular basis about her behavior. You may find that these talks alone will be enough to solve the problem. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Teens face obstacles today that we did not face as youngsters. Do you have something to add for Suzie? We'd like to hear from you.
Dr. Archer
Our 15-year-old son drove a car without permission...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Our 15-year-old son recently drove my car to a friend's house without our permission. He only has a permit, not his license. On his way home, he went off the road and into a ditch. The car was totaled and the police estimated he was going at least 50 miles per hour in a 35 mile an hour speed zone.
He was fortunately not hurt, and did not hurt anyone else or damage any property (other than my car). My husband and I are struggling to come up with an appropriate punishment for his behavior. What would you suggest?
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
This is a tough situation for parents to face. You have to balance your anger at your son's actions with your relief that he was not hurt.
As for an appropriate punishment, that depends on several factors. Has he done something like this before? By "something like this," I mean used your car without permission, completely disregarded existing rules, snuck out of the house, etc. If he has, the punishment should be more severe.
Is he working? If so, an appropriate punishment might be that he turn over all money to you until your deductible is paid or until he has paid any other expenses associated with the car repair or insurance increases. If he is not working, then you might set up a work arrangement (at home or in the community) where he works off the time equivalent to the reimbursement costs.
Does he show remorse? If he does, you may feel that he has learned a valuable lesson and no punishment may be needed. If he does not, then there is cause for more concern and you need to be very vigilant going forward. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Everyone who has raised a teen knows the difficulties and patience involved. If you have a suggestion or comment for Kathy, we'd like to hear it.
Dr. Archer
Should we let our 18-year-old son drink alcohol...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My son and all his friends are 18 and want us to allow them to drink at our home, at parties and in bars. I don't necessarily disagree with them. When I was their age, the legal drinking age was 18.
It seems natural to me that kids this age, in college, be allowed to drink as long as they do it responsibly. My wife disagrees. What do you think?
Mark
Hi Mark,
The key is to teach young adults to drink in a controlled fashion and to serve as role models of responsible drinking for them. Although the legal purchase age for alcohol is 21 in the US, we all know that the majority of college students under this age consume alcohol. Unfortunately, they do so in an irresponsible manner.
They flaunt the laws, and studies show those under the age of 21 are more likely to be heavy or binge drinkers because of the drinking habits they develop as they attempt to hide their consumption. For example: drinking six beers before they go into a party, or going out to guzzle several drinks before going back into the bar to dance. In many ways the current US system is actually encouraging - and teaching - binge drinking to our youth.
In my opinion, teens over 18 are capable of mature and responsible drinking behavior. Prohibition has never been successful in the US, and it's not working now for teens. Assuming that raising the drinking age will prevent these kids from drinking is like putting a band-aid on a severed artery.
The bottom line is that many college age kids are going to want to drink, and they will find a way to do so whether its legal or not. The irresponsible habits they develop during these years may have repercussions that follow them for the rest of their lives. Rather than hiding our heads in the sand and ignoring the problem, we need to address it directly, with the focus being on teaching responsible drinking.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Many parents have various thoughts regarding this subject. How have you handled your teen and alcohol? Share your experience with Mark and others.
Dr. Archer
My son is the class bully...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My son's teacher just informed us that our 4th grade son has become the class bully. He teases and intimidates several other children on a daily basis and his behavior has led other parents to complain about him.
We were shocked to hear of this. He has never, at least to our knowledge, behaved this way before. What is the right way for us to handle this and get him to change his ways?
Randy
Hi Randy,
Learning your child is bullying other children can be shocking, but it's important to remain calm and avoid becoming defensive, as that can make a bad situation worse. You will have a greater impact if you express disappointment, not anger.
Bullying often stems from unhappiness or insecurity, so the first step is to sit down and have a talk with your son. You must figure out if there is anything going on in his life either at home or at school which is serving as a trigger for this behavior. Any type of physical abuse toward him can often lead to an exhibition of the exact same type of behavior.
In addition many times a psychiatric condition such as depression can lead to bullying. Here are some of the questions you need to ask: How do you feel about yourself? How do you like the other kids at school? How do other children treat you? What do you think about being considered a bully? Why do you think you are bullying other kids?
You need to make it clear in no uncertain terms that bullying is a form of violence and that you will never tolerate this. Make sure to have several of these talks over a short period of time and then see how things progress. If the behavior continues the next step would be an appointment with the school counselor. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Schools are beginning to crack down on bullying because we now know how quickly this can escalate. Did you bully as a child? Do you have a child that either bullied or was bullied? How did you handle this often difficult situation?
Dr. Archer
Am I being too strict...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My teenage son thinks I'm so unfair because I try to set and enforce rules like a reasonable curfew or no going out on school nights. He always argues that none of his friends' parents set rules. Am I being too strict?
Scott
Hi Scott,
It's a right of passage. Kids, especially teens, will always push the limits as far as possible so they know exactly where they stand. That's part of growing up, and coping with this challenge is part of being a parent.
Sometimes you may give in and sometimes you won't, but be careful about caving in too often, because they'll use that against you whenever they can. One way you can make it easier on yourself is to stay in touch with other parents. This is an often-overlooked "secret weapon" in the parenting arsenal. You may be surprised to find out other parents are not granting all the freedom you are hearing about, and they are probably getting the same story from their teens that you are getting from yours. Most parents are just as concerned and confused about setting appropriate limits as you are. Remember, there is strength in solidarity.
By communicating regularly with other parents, you can keep tabs on your children, keep their stories straight, and hopefully diffuse the argument of "all my friend's parents are letting them, so why can't I?" Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Let's welcome Scott into the world of teenage thinking! "But everybody's doing it!" is a sentence heard by teen parents around the world. Do you have a story or suggestion to share? We'd like to hear from you.
Dr. Archer
TV rots your brain...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Well, it looks like what our parents told us was true. TV does indeed rot your brain. I now understand that kids can get schizophrenia from watching TV. Is this true?
Joshua
Hi Joshua,
Actually, there was a recent study that came out indicating that the more kids watch TV, the greater likelihood they have of developing Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
Watching television certainly does not "rot the brain," nor cause schizophrenia, which is a disease comprised of hallucinations and delusions. ADHD simply means the child has difficulty concentrating or focusing.
The theory is that watching TV, especially at a young age, can basically "rewire" the brain and cause it to shift focus rapidly as it follows various items on the television. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children watch no TV before the age of two. This TV study also found an increase in obesity and aggression that correlates with TV viewing.
All of this data is preliminary, however more studies will soon be completed to further clarify these issues, so stay tuned. The key here Joshua, as to most things in life, is moderation. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Almost all children are drawn to the television set and/or the electronic games that are played on the television. How do you handle this problem?
Dr. Archer
My son likes fire...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I recently found out that my 16-year-old son likes to look at fire, (flames), as a form of stress relief. He admitted to burning several small pieces of paper in his room and also admitted to starting some small fires outside, (which he said he quickly put out with water).
I am concerned about this behavior, as is his father. His father thinks this is a sign of a severe mental disorder and wants him to start therapy immediately. I am concerned, but know that our son will not accept therapy and it could harm him more than help. I don't know how to handle this. What should I do?
Jean
Hi Jean,
Mankind has been fascinated by fire ever since its "discovery" thousands of years ago. It served as an all-in-one means to cook food, provide warmth and give protection from wild beasts. Think of the early man using spears and stone tools returning to a village after a hunting venture into the wild.
No wonder that to this day, just sitting and staring at a fire can be relaxing and comforting, as our genetics still associate this with safety. Some of us are more fascinated with fire than others so just because your son shows this interest is by no means indicative of a mental problem.
Have a talk with him about fire and its origins. Talk about ways he can constructively be associated with fire. Perhaps joining the Boy Scouts and learning to camp and build a fire or being in charge of the grill at the family barbeque.
Also Jean, you should discuss the potential harm fire can cause if not properly monitored. Be sure to also go over fire safety rules: no fire inside, no fire without supervision, no fire unless it's in a safe, designed place, etc. He should be fine with the proper supervision, but if not, then there may be other underlying issues that he won't discuss that need to be addressed by a professional. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Is there someone reading this letter who understands exactly what Jean is going through? Give us your thoughts on the subject.
Dr. Archer
My daughter is obsessed about her weight...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My 11-year-old daughter is obsessing about her weight. I don't think she has an eating disorder yet, but I am worried about it. She is not thin, but she is definitely not fat. She talks about how fat she is all the time. How concerned should I be at this point?
Sue
Hi Sue,
Today's society is all about a marketing drive to convince people that in order to be happy they must have the newest cell phone, a bigger HDTV, a large house they can't afford or a perfect body. No wonder our youth, (along with many adults), obsess over their weight, appearance and products.
It sounds like your daughter is of average weight and the fact she discusses this frequently is not a cause for concern in and of itself. Talk with her about a healthy diet and exercise, and the effect of peer pressure to look perfect as opposed to how much she weighs.
Also Sue, you must point out to her that the most important fact of all is to be happy with who you are as a person inside and out. A turn for the worse would be indicated by a sudden rapid weight loss, (anorexia), or evidence of binging and purging, (bulimia). Otherwise, it would be a good idea to stay alert for changes, but odds are she is probably just going through a normal adolescent phase and should be fine. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Do you agree with me, or disagree? Eating habits and eating healthy are focused today, yet we are bombarded with fast food commercials. How do you handle this problem with your teen? Share your thoughts on this subject.
Dr. Archer
I snoop in my daughter's room...
Dear Dr. Archer,
What is your opinion about snooping in a teenager's life? I frequently check my daughter's email messages, text messages and look around in her room. I feel this is my job as a parent. My friend tells me I'm invading her privacy. Who is right?
Christie
Hi Christie,
I'm sure this isn't the answer you are looking for, but you are definitely invading her privacy. We all need our personal space and privacy, and this includes teenagers. How would you feel if you found out someone was doing that to you? I know you mean well, but all relationships have to be based on trust, including those with your teen.
So Christie, have a talk with your daughter about privacy, trust and responsibility. Tell her you expect honesty from her and in return you will give her trust and freedom. If she violates this trust then make sure she understands the resulting consequences, which could include taking away cell phone and computer privileges for a time period. However, if you reach this stage, make sure she has the ability to earn these back by demonstrating a change for the better. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Do you think this is the best way to treat a teen? Do you snoop around your child's belongings to see if you find something inappropriate? Share your story with us.
Dr. Archer
Is my son gay...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My son never dates and has never shown any interest in the opposite sex. He is 18. Does this mean he could be gay?
Joyce
Hi Joyce,
Each of us mature and reach age-related milestones at different ages. In no way can you predict whether or not your son is gay based on a current lack of interest in the opposite sex. If he's happy and well-adjusted in other aspects of his life then I wouldn't place much emphasis on this at all. However, if he's struggling with social activities, school and friends, or has a general lack of interest in life then he could have a chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed. Have a talk with him about life in general if you're concerned, but I would not broach the gay issue unless he brings it up.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Each person is an individual, and while there are books that inform us when we are supposed to do what during different phases of our lives, it is merely a guide. We are unique creatures who develop differently. If you have a comment or suggestion to either Joyce or myself, feel free to let me know what you think.
Dr. Archer
My daughter keeps fainting...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a 17-year-old daughter who I am very concerned about and I don't know where else to turn.She is a junior in high school, a straight A student, very involved, very popular, a beauty queen title holder - I could go on and on.
Last September she began having episodes of passing out. She was diagnosed as having neurocardiogenic syncope. She is tall and thin, which fits the profile. Her episodes of passing out became so frequent that she ended up missing two and a half months of school.
She returned to school the latter part of November and still continued to pass out. The spells she had sometimes resembled seizures to me. She did begin showing signs of depression. Being homebound, she had been removed from all social activities, no school, no sports, etc. In December, the passing out episodes stopped.She has appeared to be doing much better, until the last week or so. I have noticed that she has seemed very down.
Today at school she had another "fainting" spell. Her teacher said she was with them in class, and all of a sudden her head hit the desk and she began to jerk- not like a grand mal seizure, but quick jerky movements. When the teacher laid her down, her jaw appeared clinched. After she slapped her face a couple of times, her eyes opened and she began to cry. I brought her home and she slept a couple of hour. When she woke up, you would not know anything had ever happened.
I have noticed she sleeps a lot. She falls asleep as soon as she gets home and sleeps a couple of hours or until I wake her up, sleeps all night, and will sleep anytime we are riding in the car. She has had EEG's in the last few months that always come back normal.
I am beginning to worry about severe depression, bipolar disorder (she does have definite mood swings) etc. She is in the prime of her life and I feel like her high school years are being stolen from her. I believe these episodes are starting all over again, and so does she. She describes the feeling she has right before she passes out as feeling very tired, and exhausted, kind of in a "haze". I don't know what I expect you to tell me, I'm just at a loss as to what to do, but I know she needs help. I appreciate any help you can give me. Ifeel I cannot waste any more time. Thank you for your time.
Roxanne
Hi Roxanne,
Everything you describe sounds like a seizure disorder and repeated normal EEGs really don't disprove this unless they are done during an episode. I suggest that you see a neurologist for a complete work up as soon as possible. A psychiatric appointment would only be indicated if all else is negative and as a last resort.
Interestingly, one possible cause for bipolar disorder (manic-depression) is mini seizures in the limbic system which is the emotional center of the brain. These often have mood swings as their only symptom. Also many medications that treat seizure disorders are also effective for bipolar disorder. However in this case the 'fainting spells' which come out of the blue, are preceded by an aura, (a sensation that something is about to happen), and followed by fatigue and sleep are absolutely classic for a seizure. This is typically easy to treat.
One final note is that sometimes even after the seizure disorder is under control there still needs to be further treatment for a residual psychiatric condition. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Readers,
Has anyone you know suffered from fainting spells like Roxanne's daughter? If so, please write in and share your story.
Dr. Archer
