My relationship doesn't make me happy....
Dear Dr. Archer,
Why is it so important to my self-esteem what other people think of me? I am concerned about how they perceive my behavior and how I look. How can I learn to be more confident in life?
I only look at the mistakes I have made, and this has been going on for years. I canīt seem to make correct choices, and therefore, it takes me a long time to decide anything. Maybe it had something to do with my parents being overprotective of me for years. However, now I am afraid of almost everything in life. I am presently in a long relationship that doesn't make me really happy anymore. However, I can't end it because Iīm afraid of being alone and feeling depressed and guilty.
Thank you so much, and I am glad there are people such as you, wishing to help others.
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
The first thing you must do is learn to be happy by yourself and for yourself. This means achieving goals that you set for yourself, and living up to your expectations.
We live in a couple centric society and many folks believe that if they are not in a relationship, they're a loser. From what you wrote in your letter, you are merely comfortable, not even happy, so why in the world would you stay? The answer for most is the same as you point out. Fear. This is because so many are terrified of being on their own and discovering who they are and what they really want out of life.
My advice here is simple. You must learn how to be happy alone, so you must end your relationship and then focus on you. Put more effort into your job, start working out, spend time with family and friends, develop new hobbies or volunteer for the needy. Whatever you feel like doing, do it. You'll be amazed how quickly you start to like yourself and your life. Not only that you'll quickly learn what you want in a boyfriend. Ironically the happier you become with yourself, the more others will like you and want to hang around you.
Oh and by the way, your parents being over protective has nothing to do with this. Good luck, Sarah.
Dr. Archer
My sister is convinced, he is the one...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am helping my 45 year old little sister through a very difficult divorce. She has very little emotional or financial resources and I am in a position to assist her on both fronts.
The catalyst of this divorce, which I believe was inevitable and a good decision, is a man from my sister's high school days. My sister is convinced he is The One. She has fallen quickly and deeply for the man, whom I shall call Bob.
Her divorce involves a custody battle of my 13 year old niece. As it turns out, Bob had a sexual molestation charge against him involving a 12 year old girl. It was eventually dropped, due to insufficient evidence. However, the evidence that WAS submitted was the fact that he had placed a video camera in the child's bathroom.
The girl is now 18 years old. My little sisters' story is that at the time, Bob and his then wife were caring for the child, who happened to be his wife's niece, and they thought she was stealing from them. My sister says Bob has assured her that he and his wife at the time were both involved in placing the video camera in the girl's bathroom, but that they placed no cameras anywhere else in the house.
Bob also was found to have destroyed the hard drive to his computer, fearing that the police might find porn that his own two young sons were possibly looking at that would help convict him. My little sister has bought this story hook, line and sinker and has, in fact, brought Bob into her home where her daughter lives, and has moments alone with the child.
I have never met Bob, but my little sister is convinced that Bob was the true victim, that he was railroaded by the 12 year old girl because she was bipolar, sexually promiscuous, and didn't like Bob telling her what to do. She is angry at me for having serious fears concerning this HUGE red flag. They plan on marrying the moment her divorce is finalized and I fear she will sacrifice custody of her daughter to be with Bob.
Am I way off base here? My sister loves her daughter, and is a good mother; my niece is well settled with her mother. The father is less than loving, and in truth doesn't want the child, but I fear that is where she will wind up. It is a no win situation. If not, how can I help my sister exercise caution?
I must protect my niece.
Carol
Hi Carol,
The easy answer here seems to be: Call Bob's ex wife and ask her if she knew about the video camera in the bathroom. If she says no, then you not only have a guy who put a camera in a child's bathroom, but you also have someone who lied about doing it. In this case you tell your sister and that should solve the problem. However if she admits that they did it to try to catch a thief than you probably should reluctantly accept that.
On the other hand, Carol, you must realize that this is not your decision to make. Don't get me wrong, I agree with your worries completely. But you can point out all the red flags you see and talk to your sister, but in the end it's still her decision and you must understand and accept that fact. You can maintain your viewpoint, but tolerance is the key if you don't want to cause friction or an outright falling out between you. Remember she may need you if this doesn't work out, so maintain the lines of communication, keep pointing out any red flags and keep a close eye on Bob.
Dr. Archer
My daughter's grandfather is touching her...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have many concerns for my three and a half year old daughter.
For the past year she has been repeatedly stating that her pawpaw, her paternal grandfather, has been touching her inappropriately. She says things like, "pawpaw hurt my hiney," and, "it hurts," or "I'm his special princess and it's our secret." I found out that he gives her Skittles to keep the secret.
OCS has been involved twice prior to this latest accusation she has made to her counselor. It is mandatory that the counselor report her findings, so OCS is involved again.
The judge ruled against my attorney's decision to keep her in counseling with Ms. Landry because my daughter's father doesn't want her to go. We have joint custody, where we each have one week on and one week off visitation.
I really feel the judicial system has let my baby girl down. As her mother, I feel helpless when she cries she doesn't want to go to her daddy's house because he makes her go to pawpaw's. However, I cannot go against the court. Any advice? Sincerely.
Stacy
Hi Stacy,
This is a nightmare! You must try to get a court order which will allow your husband to have visitation, but not his father, and this needs to be done immediately. Supervised visitations are a welcome tool in the judicial courts which often have high conflict family cases. These visitations, which are strictly supervised in order to protect the child, are garnering more and more attention from legislatures, judges and lawyers across the nation.
I must say this is much more a legal question than a psychiatric one. However, I can assure you that the courts, when presented with reliable evidence, want to do what is necessary for the good of the child. If your attorney is not presenting evidence satisfactory to your wishes, hire another attorney. Your daughter and her well being are paramount.
Dr. Archer
My husband had his second affair with his ex...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband of more than fifteen years had his second affair with his ex-girlfriend in 2007. After playing with her emotions and promising her the world, he decided to dump her and remain with me and our three children.
This ex has now tracked me down on My Space, where she wrote a long, rambling letter berating me for keeping him hostage, and tormenting him. She also stated that I don't deserve the life I live, or to be the mother of his children. She can't wait until he finally gets rid of me so he can be free to be with someone that really loves him.
After two years, I was shocked to receive this letter. I am very alarmed that she has held so much rage and contempt for me all these years. She made it obvious that she wants me out of the picture so they can finally live the fantasy life she believes he will provide her.
I believe she is disturbed, and I am beginning to believe I am in danger and now live in fear. She has been waiting for his return ever since we were married, and they have a history of adultery together. Since he has gone to her twice, I don't think she will ever stop waiting in the shadows. She has cheated on three of her four husbands with my husband, once before I knew him, and she is only 35.
What kind of mind is at work here? Should I be so afraid? I suspect my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD). He displays many of the characteristics, like lying, adultery, repressed anger, impulsiveness, no remorse or empathy, emotional cruelty, verbal abuse of our children.
Also, he has financially devastated our family with his selfish and reckless decisions. I suffer depression, partially as a result of living with his behavior for so long. I've lost the will to live many times as I have tried to cope with everything. Please, if you could give me some insight into any of the things I mentioned, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
Vickey
Hi Vickey,
You're question is what kind of mind is at work here and are you in danger? Before we address that I want to point out how you describe your husband in your email: second affair with his Ex, playing with her emotions, narcissistic personality, lying, adultery, repressed anger, impulsiveness, no remorse or empathy, emotional cruelty, verbal abuse of our children, financially devastated our family.
My question to you is: What the heck are you doing here? How could you possibly be happy in a relationship like this? It is time that you honestly acknowledge what type of person you have chosen for a spouse.
Vickey, sometimes we get so acclimated to being emotionally abused by a loved one that we just accept it the way it is. Some spouses stay because they are afraid of how they will survive if they leave. However, this is definitely not the way a healthy marriage should be. You not only have yourself, but you also have your three children to consider as well.
Leave for yourself, leave for your children. Just do it! Take legal action. If you haven't informed the police already about this woman, do so now. Your husband has put you in harm's way, and he is a danger to you, as well. I would also recommend you seek therapy.
Victims of abuse have a higher tendency to develop anxiety disorders. You should have someone to talk about what you have gone through, and how you got into this situation.
Leaving an abusive spouse can feel nearly impossible. It often takes more strength to leave than to stay, so you will have to muster up all the courage you have. Talk to family and friends, consult a family law attorney but start making your plans now. It is past time, Vickey, that you leave this man and begin a new life for you and your children.
Also remember this: The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 15 years is being in one for 15 years and a day. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
What's the best way to handle stress...
Dear Dr. Archer,
First, please let me say nice going; this is a great website.
I am a licensed MFT, Marriage Family Therapist, living in California. I retired when I burned out and felt I just couldn't do it any more. During my first ten years I had a great private practice, but I was not a great husband. I lost it all because I was sent to Egypt for 5 years. However, the program was terminated after only eleven months.
I have spent the past eleven years working for a county Department of Behavioral Health. Not one psychiatrist there wanted to handle therapy. Of course, most individuals had problems with the English language, while others were just odd. Between secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Compassion Fatigue, it was time for me to leave.
Two weeks later I was commuting my brother back and forth to the hospital, six days a week, for cancer treatment. Then my other brother was diagnosed with cancer, as well. One brother lives with me and my 90 year old mother, but my other brother died May 10th. Also, the washing machine flooded our house and the wood floors had to be replaced.
I find myself very high up on the stress scale. I am telling you all of this because your picture looks like you really listen and truly care.
What is the best way for a person to handle stress when he feels like things are just too difficult?Thank you for your suggestions. I will refer people to you, for sure.
Smart
Hi Smart,
The most important aspect of handling stress is summed up in the serenity prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
The most important thing here, Smart, is to let go of all the stuff you are worrying about that are outside your control. Oftentimes we find it difficult to let go of things we cannot change because of fear. Fear of losing control, fear of the unknown. However, worrying about things we cannot control can be suffocating, unhealthy and destructive to our being.
Please remember these few words of advice:
*Worrying accomplishes absolutely nothing. It is a complete waste of time and energy.
*Worrying is not good for your mind or your body. It will have negative effects on both.
*Worrying puts your focus in all the wrong directions.
When bad things happen, do your best to minimize negative effects. Take care of your mother and your brother. Take care of yourself. Have fun as well as work hard. This is a beautiful world we live in,
Smart, that also comes with many problems. It is how we face these problems which determine how fully we live our lives. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
How can I win him back...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 25 year old woman, working for a small company, earning a small salary, which I give to my family. I do not use any of my earnings for myself.
My family is against love marriages; they have caste feelings. We have financial problems, which is why I began working for this company in the first place. I fell in love with one of my co-workers. His position is higher than mine, and I approached him first.
We had a great time together right away, and I believe he really liked me and grew to love me. He introduced me to his family, and we would frequently spend time at his home.
We both quit our jobs, and because something happened, my family found out about him, and they were not happy. The families had a fight on the phone, and he said we were over and that he never wanted to talk to me again. After some time I began to work for my former employer again. I then found out that he, also, rejoined the same company.
I went to talk with him, but from that moment on he said our relationship could not continue. He also said he does not love me. He said that, but the problem is I still love him. I can't seem to forget him, and I don't want any other man in my life. Please tell me how to convince him to take me back.
Swapna
Hi Swapna,
You're asking the wrong question here. The key to your future is getting over him, not trying to win him back. He has told you that he doesn't love you and that the relationship cannot continue. You need to respect that and move on.
Swapna, we've all been there. Everybody has been devastated and depressed after someone has left us. However, it is something that you must accept and get over. Even the beautiful actress, Gwyneth Paltrow, who was devastated when her relationship came to an end, was quoted as saying "the best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends." It's a cliche but it's true; the best cure for a broken heart is time.
I'd like for you to think about a few things here:
*Accept your lack of control in this situation.
*Accept the role you played in this relationship.You are responsible for your part and how you affected it.
*Do not obsess, but talk about it. Share feelings with a friend or family member. This can teach you how to handle a relationship better next time.
*It is alright to accept the fact that your loss may always hurt or confuse you.
*Start something new, whether it's social, professional, personal or spiritual. Volunteer, take a vacation, take a night class, join a support group.
*Trust time. It really will get easier with the passage of time. You may feel the pain of losing him now, but time is the most effective way to heal the breakup of a relationship.
Dr. Archer
I was abused by my step-dad...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a stay at home mom and have been since 2007. Growing up I was abused by my step dad and often took it out on my sister by hitting her. After I left home I was in a relationship where there was also abuse. After that relationship, I was involved with a guy who impregnated me, but he asked me to have an abortion, which I did.
I met my husband a couple of months later and had my son a couple of years after that. I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts all my life, as well as anger issues and paranoia. My marriage has almost fallen apart, and I fear that it still has that chance. I am afraid that I will one day hurt my husband, my son, or even myself because of my depression and anger.
I used to be in counseling, but since I no longer have insurance, I have not seen any kind of doctor in years, and that scares me. Now I don't have anyone that I can talk to professionally that can help me sort through my thoughts and feelings. I tend to be over stressed and take on more than I can handle. My main problems are how to successfully deal with depression and suicidal thoughts. I also want to know how to deal with anger, marital problems, and getting over the past. Thank you.
Debra.
Hi Debra,
There are two ways children learn to interact with others. One is play, where they learn what behaviors work best with others. The other is learning from their parents how to interact, and they do so by imitating or following their guidance. Children who see their parents relate constructively and patiently with others tend to grow very well.
Unfortunately, I do not believe you had this type of upbringing with your stepfather. You have spent much of your energy trying to maintain control over your hurt, and as importantly, you consider this behavior to be normal, because that is what you experienced as an adolescent. I'm very worried about you and you have summed up the situation by saying that you no longer have any one you can talk to professionally.
It sounds like you were doing better when you were in counseling, which is to be expected. In addition, I must tell you that if you have suicidal thoughts at any time, you must go immediately to the ER.
There is an organization, NAMI(The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) that I would like for you to contact.
NAMI is dedicated to improving the lives of individuals as well as their families affected by mental illness. It is the most formidable grassroots mental health advocacy organization in the country, and it dedicates itself to serve and strengthen families and communities across the country. You will be able to find the help you deserve there, Debra.
They have affiliates across the country in all 50 states. You can find the closest affiliate by either calling 800-950-NAMI or by going to their web site,
http://www.nami.org/. Your condition, Debra, is very treatable. Please do not delay.
Dr. Archer
I believe I have schizoid personality disorder...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Well throughout my conscience life I felt like I have been different than most people. I often preferred to do things solo, rather than group activities. I never wanted to go to parties, and the few times I did, all I would do it stand around. I would almost never show emotions, even in extreme situations like my girlfriend cheating on me twice.
To this day, I feel that if my mom, dad or grandparents were to die, it would seem like I would have no remorse or sadness, even though they were a big part of my life. My own family members are more like roommates or acquaintances, rather than family members that I lived with. Conversations with most people turn awkward quickly. Friendships that I have formed are often very shallow.
I have many other symptoms, such as lack of sexual drive, constantly thinking about me, why people do things and introversion. During my senior year of high school one good friend took me almost everywhere he went, whether it was to parties, high school baseball games, or such, and I began to enjoy some social interactions, even though I was mainly an observer and rarely participated.
Now that I'm in college and my good friend is gone, I've been trying to get out of this box, but it feels impossible. I end up going back to my old habits of staying in my room most of the day and other loner activities.
Although sometimes it's nice to be emotionless, there are days in which I am really depressed and I want to cry or get angry.
Before my senior year I had no interest in forming relationships with anyone, but I guess you can say my good friend shed a new light on the joy you can get from interacting with people.
With that in mind, I would like to be able to form better relationships with friends and family, rather than seeming to be a cold, heartless person. I believe I have schizoid personality disorder. My mom has schizophrenia, which also leads me to believe that I have it, since there is a genetic factor influencing it.
I am curious, should I get diagnosed, or is it not worth the effort since there is no treatment, at least that I can see from my brief research. What can help me? I need your advice, Dr. Archer. Thanks.
Kevin
Dear Kevin,
Schizoid personality disorder is a psychiatric condition where a person has a lifelong pattern of indifference to others and social isolation.
A person with this disorder appears aloof and detached, avoids social activities that involve contact with other people, and does not enjoy close relationships, even with family members. It occurs slightly more often in males, and it is true that people with this disorder usually do not seek treatment, which makes it more difficult to determine which treatments work.
This disorder shares many of the same risk factors as schizophrenia, but is not nearly as disabling. There are no hallucinations or delusions involved, but rather, these individuals are loners and show little interest in developing close relationships. It is particularly difficult to express anger, which contributes to the impression that you lack emotion.
The social isolation of this disorder often prevents the person from seeking help or support that could potentially improve quality of life. One advantage that you have going for you, Kevin, is that you are actively seeking help. Congratulations. That is a huge first step.
There are a few methods of treatment for schizoid personality disorder. The first is to find a psychiatrist you trust. Keep in mind that when speaking with a therapist, you may feel bland and detached. But if you find a doctor who respects your personal space and thoughts, people with schizoid personality can respond effectively to treatment.
There is no medication available for this disorder per se, but your doctor may prescribe a medication to treat a symptom, such as an inability to experience pleasure.
Psychotherapy focuses on adjusting thinking and behaviors. This can help you develop social skills and increase sensitivity. The goal of this type of treatment is to alleviate social anxiety and isolation.
Group therapy may be yet another option. Treatment can often be more effective when people with the disorder can interact with others in practicing new interpersonal skills. It also offers a support structure and can increase social motivation. Group therapy is not for everyone, and may prove to be difficult due to the effects of being in a social group.
However, if you are graduating from individual to group therapy, you may be able to tolerate it. If so, it is definitely worth a try.
I am happy, Kevin, that you took the first step by writing to me. The first step is usually the hardest. I want you to learn that social attachments to others do not have to be feared or rejected. They can be an important part of expanding your life and that you can develop healthy social relationships. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Why can't I get a boyfriend, husband, or just friends...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I was wondering why I can't get a boyfriend, husband or just friends in general.
I'm 49 years old, do not have children, am not psycho or on medication, weird, needy, dependent, self absorbed, mean or evil. I can't get a friend to stick with me for too long. The few I have managed to get just fade away after about five to eight years. No man wants me, except for perhaps what he can immediately get from me sexually, emotionally or financially.
I'm a very supportive person and a hopeful one, too, so I usually overlook any "red flags." As a matter of fact, I happen to be a very compassionate, selfless person with good morals and ethics. I was married once from 1977-1984 which ended in divorce. It was his choice and he gave me no reason. In fact, I wanted to find out so I spoke with him a few years ago just to ask him what I had done and his answer was 'nothing.' He said he was young and stupid.
So here I am, alone at 49 with an old cat; scared that if I died no one will find my body for weeks. I lost a cat last year and it was a big deal to me, but the few family members I have didn't care and there was no one I could talk to. I tried to reach out to some grief support pet groups, but they turned out to be lame, plus they had their own issues they needed to deal with.
Now my other cat is ill and I'm wishing I had someone to talk to; the vets are no help. They can't do anything for my pet. I don't get along with my parents and never did. I can't count on them and, as a matter of fact, after years of verbal and emotional abuse have just thought the best thing for me was to cut any ties with them as of last year.
That's my story. Perhaps I should leave California; maybe I'm in the wrong state.
MeriJoe
Hi MeriJoe,
The simple answer here is that you are looking for love in all the wrong places. And by that I mean that in order to find happiness in life you don't 'NEED' friends, a boyfriend, a good vet or great parrents. All you need, MeriJoe, is to be happy with yourself, with who you are and what you do with your life. But here's the funny thing. Once you find that happiness within and maximize your own potential then friends, relationships, etc., will find you.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus said, "Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."
So, begin with yourself. Find out what makes you happy, start getting in shape, make sure you eat a healthy diet, exercise, lose some weight if you need, and find a job you love. Choose to find happiness in small, everyday things. Focus on the present, not yesterday and not tomorrow, but today. Don't forget to be grateful for whatever positives you have in your life.
MeriJoe, it may sound cliche, but we feel good when we make others feel good. Help someone else find happiness. You will feel happiness flow back to you. You don't need to move to another state. You need to change your way of thinking, and find happiness within yourself.
I would like to end this with a beautiful quote by Helen Keller. Being blind, deaf and mute, she could have been a bitter person; however, she was anything but. She spent her life helping others despite her own challenges. Helen Keller said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
There is an opened door for you, MeriJoe. Find that door and walk through it. Everyone has troubles, that is just a fact of life. But you should enjoy this beautiful life to the fullest. It is up to you, and once you begin to find happiness within yourself, everything else will fall into place. Good luck, and have a beautiful life.
Dr. Archer
My husband thinks everyone is against him...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband filed for divorce three years ago. He did this after I refused to support him because of his inability to keep stable employment, as well as being verbally abusive and controlling. He moved back to his home country while I continued with my job. However, the divorce has not been granted yet due to the fact he wanted the custody of our two girls.
Around the first of the year he had a major heart attack, and since he was alone, he gave my contact information to the doctor, and I had to take care of him. Since then, we started to communicate but I made it clear that there was no way I was returning to him. I stressed the only reason I was there was compassion and kindness.
Around three months ago he started to act strangely, crying on the phone, telling me his neighbors were spying on him, practicing black magic and everyone in the community and church were against him. He told me that three years ago he had a one night stand and clips of this encounter were being broadcasted via mobile MMS.
He has become so paranoid that it is getting difficult for me to understand if he is genuinely sick and needs treatment, or if he is doing this to get my sympathy and go back to him. He cannot face people, feels like everyone is spying on him, and everyone has received the intimate video on their mobiles. He has told me to change my mobile number as he feels he is being tracked through me. What do I need to do? Is he a danger to himself and others around him? Thanks.
S. R.
Dear S.R.,
Paranoid Delusional Disorders are quite uncommon, affecting only 1 in 3000 people. However, the symptoms you describe do sound like true paranoid delusions.
Delusions are irrational beliefs, held with a high level of conviction.Those who have them won't change their mind even when shown uncontestable proof. I think it unlikely that he would be faking these to get you back. But that's not for you to decide Samantha, you need expert help.
You must get him scheduled for a psychiatric evaluation and let a professional be the one to make that call. If necessary, get members of his family to convince him to get help. Establishing a therapeutic alliance, establishing treatment goals and educating the family are of paramount importance and hopefully medication can get this under control. You must schedule him for a psychiatric evaluation right away, the sooner the better. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My sister threatens us with bodily harm...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My sister is 24 years old, and after she physically abused my mother, she was placed in a mental institution. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and was released after 3 days.
She does not believe she has issues. She cannot look people in the eye when they speak, she has become completely withdrawn from family and friends, and she remains in her room and plays with her rocks and candles because she practices witchcraft. To make matters worse, she becomes not angry, but ENRAGED when something doesn't go her way. She doesn't work, doesn't attend school, lives off my mother's money and threatens everyone bodily harm.
Long story short, we can't force her into any programs. She doesn't admit she has a problem, and I am afraid she will hurt herself or others. She stays up all night on her computer and meets guys online; she also meets up with gentlemen she doesn't know. My mother and I don't know how to help her, since we can't force her into therapy and since we don't have enough money to put her away somewhere. PLEASE help me save her life, as well as my family. Is there a program for adult psychotics? An interventionist that will help my family? I live in Los Angeles , CA and she's in La Quinta, CA. Thank you so much for your input.
Lena
Hi Lena,
You definitely need to get some local help with this. I would start with your local chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). They have vast experience and can direct you to treatment
options. Another option is the Mental Health Association in California, (MHAC). They offer assistance necessary to ensure that all people who require mental health services are able to receive it, and are not denied benefits, services or opportunities based on their need for services.
I will say that it's very tough when you have a loved one with a diagnosed mental illness and they refuse help. All you can do is try your best and do what you can. But you must get a professional involved in the care. And yes, it is possible to do an intervention for mental illness much like is done for substance abuse.
In addition, you must face the fact that there may come a time when you have to practice tough love. By that I mean laying down the law and say if you don't get help you cannot live here and we will no longer support you, we will always love you but we can no longer deal with you until you get help.
Dr. Archer
My Boyfriend Says He is Sexually Unsatisfied...
Dear Dr. Archer,
About two and a half years ago I started dating a man who is 10 years older than myself. We communicate well, have common interests, laugh together, share similar goals. I was 34 years old at the time, and he was 44, and I had what I thought was the best relationship I had ever experienced in my life.
However about 4 months ago, he stated that he was sexually unsatisfied. I consider our sex life very healthy, as we usually have sex more than five times a week, and it is fun, and passionate. I have been married once previously, and have been involved in long-term commitments, and never had this complaint from a partner. We may have sex frequently for a five or seven days in a row, but the first time I suggest I'm tired, then he states that he doesn't understand why I don't love him or want him.
Could it be because of other frustrations in his life, that he is trying to "control" this part of his life? We are starting counseling this week, but I've been really blind-sided by this and this conversation/argument surfaces the first time I fall asleep early, or say no, which is NOT often. Thank you for your input.
Louise
Hi Louise,
There are times in all relationships when things don't run smoothly. All relationships go through a multitude of changes over time. This is neither a good nor a bad thing, but rather a fact. Never make the mistake of thinking that a relationship is perfect the way it is because it will change; they all do.
The folks with successful long term relationships are successful not because things don't change, but rather because THEY view each change as a challenge to be met and dealt with.
That's the case here. Realize that the issue could be anything, and that each of us are constantly changing and growing and that sometimes, as partners, we grow apart. That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed; it just means this needs to be addressed. You're already taking a huge step forward by seeing a counselor, excellent choice. In addition, the two of you need to have an open and frank discussion.
Talk about your needs, his needs and most importantly, what has changed in the relationship. Oftentimes by opening up like that, you may find the problem is really easily solvable.
My final thoughts here are that I have no idea what's going on with your boyfriend. Often, people have conflicting expectations or have difficulty expressing what is on their minds. It could be a host of factors, and unless he talks to you about it, you may never know, either. Where critical differences exist in your expectations, needs and opinions or views, both of you should try to negotiate.
I hope the two of you are able to work things out, but remember, Louise, you must make your own decision in the final analysis of whether this is right for you.
Dr. Archer
Every man in my life has left me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 11; I am now 37. I was on Ritalin until I was 18, and I chose not to continue taking it. I was doing alright until about twelve years ago, when I suffered anxiety at bedtime. My doctor prescribed Xanax which solved the problem. I take one at night, and feel great in the morning. I don't like being dependent on a medication, but it works for me.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and my brother was 12. My father remarried right away and moved his new family and my brother to Dallas, where he lived for five years. I wanted to remain with my mom. When my dad returned home he and my step-mother, whom I really liked, divorced.
That was really hard because I really bonded with her, her children and her parents, whom I considered my grandfather and grandmother. After their divorce, I had no contact with them at all, it just ended.
He met another woman, and moved to San Diego. After graduation, I moved to San Diego to be with my dad. He was single for a few years, the remarried again after dating a woman for only a few months. Soon after they were married my father's health took a turn for the worse and he passed away in 2003.
I was 31 and devastated. He was the Rock of our family which is very, very small, only me my brother and my uncle who never had children. I have a fear of abandonment from men. All the men in my life, my dad and my brother have left, moved away. I have tried to be open to dating, but the men have either moved away for work, became uninterested in me, lied to me, or just tell me what I wanted to hear so they could be intimate with me.
I needed an escape, so I started uncontrollably shopping, gardening, financing furniture. I found relaxation in it. Now the shopping and spending habit was bad, because it has left me in debt. I feel like I should have spent more time with dad, and I feel guilty. How do I overcome this feeling that every man is going to leave? How do I know which man to trust?
Basically, I need help. I don't have faith in marriage, since most people are getting divorced, going to court, custody battles, fighting over money. Who wants that? How do I overcome this? Thank you for listening, I hope to hear from you so you can lead me to what I need to do.
April
Hi April,
Most girls look up to their fathers as big and strong, the type of man they will look for one day as a mate. Even if that man is not what is really wanted, such as a controlling, bullying or a self-righteous type. She may think that's just how men are; it is considered normal. Your father is not with you today for you to talk about your feelings of abandonment.
We cannot change that fact. But your father would want you to be happy, April. Of that I am sure. We cannot change the past, but we do hold the key to our future.
You must understand that the answer to this lies within yourself, not the man you happen to be dating at the time. You've done a good job of analyzing why you feel the way you do, and now you must focus on yourself. Don't think about men, dating, your father or your family. In order to deal with any of those issues, you must be happy, healthy and strong.
Therefore, take some time to focus on who you are, what makes you happy and what you want out of life. Concentrate on doing fun things you enjoy, going out with low drama, trusted friends. Focus on your diet, weight, get in shape, and cut down or eliminate alcohol. Treat yourself to nice meals, spa treatments and perhaps a vacation.
In short, April, focus on YOU! You'll find a very simple secret here: when you are happy with who you are, then you are unwilling to put up with anything less in a man you date. You'll continue to see them if they have the traits you view as valuable, and if not, then you will be the one leaving the relationship. Be patient with yourself, and good luck.
Dr. Archer
Why do I only focus on my boyfriend...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My life seems to be in chaos. Four months ago I came from another country where I met my boyfriend. He followed me here to see if we are really meant for each other and we think we are.
We had a very nice time together, but by the time he returned to his country, something had changed. His family doesn't want me to be his girlfriend, and he believes his parents should approve of who he dates.
Because of how his parents feel, he told me that we should just be friends instead. I asked him about the promises he made, that we would always do everything together.
I tried to commit suicide, but fortunately, I survived. He asked me how I could do such a thing, and cried, saying he really loves me and is sorry for everything. He also told me that he didn't know what would happen to him if something happened to me. He has asked me not to give up on him because he will do anything for us to be together again.
I am older than he is, Dr. Archer, and he's still in school. I really want to be with him, but school cost money. I have applied to work here, but it is so difficult to find employment. Why is it so hard?
Sometimes I feel down and hopeless, when I really want to feel confident. I don't always want to be focused on my boyfriend. Please help me; I need advice. Thank you.
Star
Hi Star,
Remember this, the key to happiness lies within YOU, not whether this relationship works out or doesn't. The first thing you must do is schedule an assessment with a psychiatrist. I am extremely concerned about your suicide attempt and want you to be evaluated for a chemical imbalance. If indicated, medication could make a huge difference.
Next, Star, you must focus on yourself and this means first and foremost finding a job. Nothing builds self esteem faster than a career you love and being able to support yourself. You will find that once you are happy with who you are, then you will be much less willing to put up with a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.
So rather than asking "why" about your boyfriend and his parents, please focus on taking care of yourself, starting today. You have a right to be happy Star. If you work at it, you will not only feel better about you, but also, feel better about your situation. After you take care of yourself, then you can focus on taking care of others.
Dr. Archer
Is psychology really for me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a sophomore at Penn State University studying Psychology. Right now is a tough time in my life as I'm beginning to discover what the world and life is all about, and I suppose that is the process of becoming an adult.
My struggle is wondering if psychology is really for me. Sometimes I believe it's the perfect field of study for me. It interests me, it fits my personality type perfectly, and I think I would make a terrific psychiatrist. My problem, however, is simply one of fear.
As I study psychology more and more, I'm starting to grasp why people perform extremes, such as suicide or murder. Sometimes I think I would make TOO good of a psychiatrist, if there is such a thing. One of the scariest things about it is that I've read that as many as one in four psychiatrists have suicidal thoughts. I don't ever want to become this way. If an unstable mind is the cost of being a psychiatrist, then I don't think it's worth it.
Do you have any advice? Is this field right for me?
Kyle
Hi Kyle,
In one study anesthesiologists and dentists both had higher suicide attempt rates than psychiatrists and psychologically speaking, we would have to wonder why? I'm not sure, to be honest with you, but I certainly don't think you can use this as a reason to choose or not choose a career.
I really believe you are over thinking this. If you love understanding human behavior and enjoy helping people with their problems, then this is a great profession. You must realize that the overwhelming vast majority of patients you see are not suicidal or mass murderers. Rather, they are folks just like you or me who have a problem with life they would like some help with.
This world is full of people, Kyle, who are not sure what profession they would like to carry with them through life. Here are a few questions you should contemplate and answer as honestly as possible:
* What turns you on? What do you like to do so much that you'd almost feel guilty getting paid to do?
* What is your skill vs what is your talent? A skill is something you have learned to do. A talent is something you're born with or comes to you quite naturally. You are more likely to enjoy what you do naturally than what you have been taught to do.
* Take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator online, which is a self-assessing tool that helps to clarify your personal career preferences.
* Whatever you do make certain you are willing and able to commit 110% to your work. If, after you do research and give it plenty of thought, you realize you cannot give psychiatry 110%, then find something in which you can.
You have two years left in your degree, Kyle, which is plenty of time to decide if this is right for you. Take your time, enjoy school and when the time comes, you'll know the answer.
Dr. Archer
My girlfriend won't discipline her 21 year old son...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I just broke up with my girlfriend. We really love each other, but I felt I had no choice but to end the relationship because she would not discipline her 21 year old son.
He moved out for a year, but returned in January of this year. Over the last few months he started having his 21 year old girlfriend spend the day with him upstairs in his room. They both have night jobs at FedEx, and when they get off work, she comes home with him.
I feel this is very disrespectful to my girlfriend and she should have told him that that was not permitted in her home. She would not tell him because she was scared he would get mad! He did not pay rent, and he could do whatever he wanted to do. I say this is wrong!! I could no longer stand both of them disrespecting her in her own home. What is your take on this? Thank you for your time. David
Hi David,
You must understand first and foremost that this issue is between your girlfriend and her son. If this doesn't bother her then it surely should not bother you. Next, her son is 21, has a job and can certainly make his own decisions about his life and his girlfriend. Whenever you find yourself saying "you coulda, woulda, shoulda" to another, then this is your problem, not theirs.
On the other hand, if this really bothers your girlfriend and she is just unwilling to take action, then you can ask her if she would like your help. Then the two of you could work on the problem together. However, since you broke up with her, then that's not realistic at this point.
Remember, David, we each have our own set of values and they don't always match up with anothers' values. If this bothers you this much, then you are probably better off finding someone you are more in tune with. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My Dad is in love...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My mom shot and killed herself two years ago. There was a huge family fight that ensued afterwards.
I'm African, white and racist . My dad, on the other hand, had an affair with a black cleaning lady. I decided to stand by my dad, no matter what.
My dad is coming to visit, and I decided to tell dad to bring Letty with him, because he loves her. They have been together since their affair became public, and I thought I should give them my blessing even though we have had people trying to kill us because of this.
Am I doing the right thing? I have not found any other person that would make the same decision I made. Am I mentally not right; am I crazy? Thank you.
Janice
Hi Janice,
First let me say how sorry I am about the loss of your Mom. Next, I won't get into philosophy here, but let me say that I disapprove of racism on every possible level.
Finally, nothing in life compares with finding true love. When you have true, honest love, your heart is complete. It doesn't matter what the skin color may be. We're all human and we're all in this together, so my view is, why can't we all just get along? Simple, I know, but that really sums it up.
As for your decision, no you're not crazy. I absolutely applaud the fact that you are standing up for your father. He's in love; you're his daughter and of course you should support his decision. We never know who we may fall in love with, but when we do, it's magical.
Mignon McLaughlin stated once that "love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before." I'm sure your support means the world to your dad and he is lucky he raised a daughter to be so genuine. I know things in Africa are not stable with respect to this but I feel that your brave actions, as well as those of your father, give hope to all of us that one day soon racism will become but a distant memory on Planet Earth.
You're doing the right thing Janice!
Dr. Archer
I have beaten my girlfriend...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been seeing my girlfriend for two years. When I was dating her in the early stages of our relationship she was also dating an old boyfriend. She was also intimate with her ex boyfriend's brother, despite the fact that I was in her life. After asking her several times, she confessed to me that she had cheated on me earlier, but now she was in love with me and was loyal to me .
I love her so much, but despite all my efforts, I am not able to forgive her. I told her I don't want to be with her. I don't want to be with her, but I can't live without her because I really love her. I am not allowing her to date any other guy despite telling her I don't want to stay with her.
Whenever she has dated somebody else, I have beaten her. I am so confused. What do you think would be best for me and her? I know she wants to be with me but I am not able to make up my mind because I cannot seem to forgive her. Please Help!
Harry
Hi Harry,
I have to say that hearing that you beat your girlfriend is absolutely disgusting to me! If I was advising your girlfriend, I would tell her to leave you immediately and to file charges against you for assault! Domestic violence should not happen to anybody. Ever. Period.
Your ex-girlfriend is the least of your problems, if you have beaten her. You need to immediately make an appointment to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and for treatment. You also need, at least for a year, to attend anger management courses. I strongly advise domestic violence counseling, as well.
Harry, hitting another human is NEVER appropriate, no matter what the cause. This is especially true when you are dealing with someone who is typically smaller and weaker than you are. You can't forgive her for cheating? Well how can she ever forgive you for hitting her? You say you love her. Harry, I assure you that love never hurts. To leave bruises or worse on another person is definitely not love. That is control, and you need help.
Hitting someone that is weak is a bullying behavior and something you must deal with immediately. Your girlfriend has some serious self-worth issues if she is sleeping around as well as allowing you to hit her. But she did not write to me. You did. Stop seeing this woman and focus on getting treatment for yourself. You will lead a much happier, well-balanced life if you correct yourself NOW.
Dr. Archer
Mother is becoming stranger and stranger as she ages...
Dear Dr. Archer,
We are facing a very unusual problem with our mother. She is 58 and is an extremely abnormal woman. She is illiterate and very quarrelsome in nature.
Our parents have been married for over 30 years and we have never seen them happy. She will wash her hands for hours and she will take about two hours for a bath! She has a very negative attitude, and always seems to evade her responsibilities. She will not do any household chores, but she takes very good care of herself. She's a very selfish person.
It is strange and alarming, but she has absolutely no love or affection for her children. Please, Doctor, suggest some remedy to our mother's problem. She has become a bottleneck in our lives. We can't leave her, nor do we want to stay with her as she is becoming stranger and stranger as she ages. Her stubborn and quarrelsome attitude is reaching a non-tolerable level.
We have immense love, affection and respect for our mother, but she doesn't care for us. We don't have peace of mind, nor do we have a healthy home environment. How can we help our mother?
NA
Hi NA,
The first thing you mentioned that jumps out at me is that your mom will wash her hands for hours and take a two hour bath. Does she also have a fear of germs?
This sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). With OCD, obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors become so excessive that they interfere with daily life. In addition she may be suffering from depression. My advice is to get Mom a physical examination by her personal physician. If everything turns out to be normal, I would strongly suggest a psychiatric evaluation.
If she has a diagnosable condition and this gets treated, it could make a huge difference in not only her life but yours, as well. You mention that she is very selfish, but she very well could be suffering from a psych condition and never have been diagnosed.
Your job, NA is to learn everything you can about her disorder, if present, and make sure your mom has access to information, as well. Share what youve learned with your family members and let them know there is help available. Simply knowing the condition is treatable may provide enough motivation to get mom into a therapists office. There are medications and/or therapies that have excellent results in treating almost all psych conditions.
One other thing is that you can mix humor with caring. You don't always have to be serious. People with OCD usually know their fears are absurd. It can be good to keep things light, at times. She is your mother, and, like everyone else, deserves the best life she can possibly have even if you don't completely agree with it. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I feel like a lost soul...
Dear Dr. Archer,
In the past month, my girlfriend and I broke up, my best friend and I had a fallout, and just recently I lost my job due to the economy.
After losing my relationship and my best friend, my job was all I had in my life, so now I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I don't have a purpose in life or a reason to get out of bed each morning.
I don't have any children, and my family is living their own life so I don't have a connection with them. I just find myself mourning over a lost love, a lost friend, and a lost career. I just don't know anymore; I feel like a lost soul. I could use your advice. Thanks.
Jamar
Hi Jamar,
You have all my sympathy; you've certainly been through a rough patch. So first, allow yourself time to grieve all the losses in your life. Not too long, maybe a month. Sometimes it's ok to feel sorry for ourself as long as we don't dwell on it too long or too intensely.
After a month, though, it's time to get refocused and, of course, your first priority must be a new job. You've got to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, Jamar, so finding a job will be your job number one.
Here's some pointers....
*Read the classifieds in your local newspaper.
*Network with your family and friends. Are you on Facebook? You can let others know you are in the job market with just a few keystrokes and the click of a mouse. Perhaps someone will know a position that is going to open before it becomes public.
*You lost your job due to the economy? Did you leave on good terms with your supervisor? If so, contact him. Perhaps he can give you recommendations.
*Consider competitors of your previous employer, or at least companies who might be in the same kind of business.
*Consider taking one or two part time positions that interest you. You may learn some new skills, plus having two positions give you a little more job security in these tough economic times.
*Send a thank you letter after your interview. You can reiterate any strengths in your application, plus, chances are your application will stand out, because chances are 99.9% of the other candidates will not send one simply because it is not common practice.
Good luck in your search, Jamar.
Dr. Archer.
I am schizophrenic...
Dear Dr. Archer.,
I am a schizophrenic person who didn't realize I had a problem until I was in my 20's. I have raised three children. I worked as a nurse's aid, as well as other jobs, until the voices got too much for me to take. I had a very abused childhood, which has affected me.
I have a wonderful man who tries hard to understand why I don't want to go outside or be around other people. I am happy reading and just watching television. I have a problem with affection, and I realize that he needs me to care more than I do, but I have a hard time showing it. I never had friends or family, and to tell the truth, I'd rather spend time with my books.
How do I put the books down and turn off television and deal more with life? I always lose interest in people. I really love my husband and would feel lost without him. But I can't seem to get this right. He tries to understand but sometimes he wants to take a walk or just talk, and I get bored or go in my own world and wish he would finish what he has to say quickly. I know what I am doing is wrong, so how could I at least try to do these little things he wants me to do? What about what I want?
Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
I'm glad to hear your schizophrenia is relatively well controlled. However, I do have some advice.
First, work with your doctor to make sure your medications are as perfectly adjusted as possible. By that, I mean no symptoms: no hallucinations, no delusions, no thought disorder. This is not always attainable with schizophrenia, but you must try.
Next, your husband should accompany you to your doctor and become as educated as possible about your illness. Living with a person who has schizophrenia can be tough, even if the correct medications are being taken. The more he understands that it's not that you don't want to be with him but rather your illness, the easier it will be for you both.
I also advise you get therapy to discuss this and your husband should accompany you to those sessions, as well. You love your husband, and want him to be there for you, so you will need to put forth the effort to take responsibility for your illness and for enriching your own life to the fullest possible way. It will take effort on your part, but I'm betting you can do it. The books and television, Elizabeth, will be there whenever you want them.
Dr. Archer.
How can I help someone who won't help themselves...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been dating my boyfriend for six months now. Early in the relationship I learned that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in his mid teens. I was completely fine with it and was not scared away. He has been battling with this disorder off and on for the last eleven years.
Since I have been with him everything has been going downhill. He has lost his job and has been unsuccessful in finding employment. He has gone through bouts of severe depression that has caused him to be checked in to a mental health hospital for weeks at a time. I feel like if he cannot get his disorder under control I may have to leave him. I don't want to have to do this, because I really do care for him and want to be with him. However, I can't help think this is not going to get any better. How can I help someone who lacks the motivation to want to help themselves?
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
The # 1 rule of psychiatry is you can't help those who don't want help themselves. All you can do is offer to be supportive and point out their options. If they refuse help, you can't make them. There is some new research going on which includes doing an intervention much like is done with addictions. However, the success rate is not good.
So, Debbie, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend when he is well and stable and point this out. Tell him you care for him and want to help, but that he must take responsibility for his treatment and his life. This is the only way for the relationship to work. Tell him that you will do everything you can to help, but he must do the same. This means taking his medications, making and keeping doctor's appointments, and so on.
After that, you wait and see. If he doesn't follow through then you must move on.
Dr. Archer
I think my wife is cheating on me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a problem with my wife. I think that she may be cheating on me. I was laid off from my job and I have noticed things have changed between us.She doesn't want to talk to me, yet her cell phone is constantly ringing from calls or text messages. When I ask her who it was, she says it was nobody. I have looked at her phone but she erases everything right away. I don't know what to do.
She just started a new job, and even though she hasn't worked in ten years, she already is coming home late. She has been working for about a month now, and we haven't been intimate in about a month. I don't know what to do with her. She seems to be angry at me and the children all the time. Do you have any advice for my situation?
Don
Hi Ron,
I agree, this does not sound good. The most important facet of any relationship is trust and you definitely can't trust your wife right now. No spouse should hide calls from their partner and refuse to discuss who they are talking to. Also, very often when a spouse cheats, they become very angry with others. This is, of course, projection because they are really angry with themselves, yet take it out on others. These situations are always SO DIFFICULT because you know something is going on and yet if the partner won't discuss it with you, there is no way to resolve the situation.
You have a major decision to make here, Ron. So, take your time and don' t rush things for now. Seek support from family, friends, pastor or counselor; those you feel comfortable with. Avoid confiding in people who you know will take sides--this can increase the emotional intensity of the situation.
When you feel ready, talk to your wife AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL and what you suspect. Tell her you love her and want to make this marriage work, but it will take both of you to do so. Listen to what she has to say, and listen without interruption. Sometimes this open admission will trigger a change.
If she is having an affair and both of you want to save the marriage and family AND she is honest it is indeed possible to make it work. Divorce, by no means, has to be the inevitable resolution. With time, perhaps counseling and a mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some marriages emerge stronger and more honest than before. However, if she still refuses to talk to you then you must decide if you want to stay in this situation. Good luck., Ron.
Dr. Archer
I hate him for not understanding my feelings...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 19 years old, and have witnessed my sister and cousin both go through terrible long term relationship breakups where their boyfriends, whom they planned to marry, left them, saying they just weren't interested anymore. I vowed that I would never, ever, let myself be fooled by a boy like that.
However, back in January, I met a 24 year old guy who was pretty decent, and decided to give it a go. A month later he had swept me off my feet and we were in a relationship, despite my telling him that I had trust and commitment issues. Two months ago, even though he claimed to love me, I asked him to leave me for a while. During that time, I painfully watched him distance himself from me. He decided he wasn't interested in being in a relationship where it took so much effort to keep me happy because I was so insecure.
I am trying to figure out how he could forget me in two months. I feel betrayed, worthless, bitter, and miserable. I hate him for not understanding my feelings, for making me open and feel vulnerable, for breaking down my defenses, and then completely abandoning me. How could he just walk so easily out of my life? Thanks.
FA
Hi F.A.,
I can't help you understand why your ex-boyfriend has abandoned you. There could be a hundred possibilities. All I can do is help you focus on yourself. First, let me say that I don't understand why you asked him to leave you. You need to understand that first. Were you basing your fear of the relationship strictly on your sister and cousin's relationships? Were you having problems, scared of commitment or just needed some time to think? Once you figure that out, then that will go a long way to helping you understand yourself.
Next, F.A., please realize that you have no control over what your ex is thinking or feeling. Please remember that here are no guarantees in this life. We should live our lives the best we can, do our best to make good judgments and then live with the consequences of our actions, whether they're good or bad. Breakups hurt very much, even when the relationship is no longer good. It is painful because it represents a loss of not only the relationship, but also of the shared dreams and commitment. The hope for the future is shattered, which brings on profound disappointment, stress and grief.
If he doesn't want to be in a a relationship with you, F.A., then there is nothing you can do about this except move on. Use this opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.
Dr. Archer.
My cousin was molested on a bus...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 21 years old and live in India. I have a small problem that I hope you can help me with. I have great affection and care deeply for my cousin. Once when she was traveling in a bus, an idiotic person sat next to her. He tried to misbehave with her. He laid his hands on her thigh, she tried to keep calm and stared at him. At one point, this idiotic person went to the extreme and touched her breast. My cousin was terrified and was very upset because of this incident. She has a very difficult time coming to terms with what happened.
She left that seat immediately and moved to another seat. Fortunately, nothing else happened. When she told me what happened, my heart went to pieces. I think about the incident often, and can't stand the thought of her being so scared. She has put this out of her mind, but I cannot stop thinking about it. The more I think about it, the more wounded my heart feels.
I tried to change my focus and concentrate on other things. It works for a few minutes, but then I start thinking about her being in that terrible situation again. I can't seem to do any work, and I can't sleep peacefully.
Please help me, for I am suffering too much over this. If my cousin finds out that I am troubled this much, then she will burst into tears.
I don't want her to see me like this, because she should always be happy. I am ready to do anything for her happiness. Could you please help me to overcome this nasty incident so I can function again? As I type this, I have tears in my eyes it hurts so badly. I hope you can understand what intense pain I am feeling. Please, please help me regarding this issue. Thank you, Dr. Archer. for patiently reading my post.
David
Hi David,
My heart goes out to your as this truly must have been traumatic for her. I find it interesting how upset you remain about this incident because you make no mention of whether it still bothers her.
Obviously, if you could be assured that she was alright, then you should have no more issue with it. So you must talk to her about it and see if she's completely over it. If she is, then there is absolutely no reason for you to be concerned about it anymore.
Each of us has our own way of coping with a traumatic event and we each recover in our own way, as well. You should in no way assume this is still an issue for you cousin without asking. So if she's fine, you have no excuse for not being fine yourself. If, on the other hand, she is still suffering from this experience, then your role would be to get her help with a counselor or psychiatrist. You seem to be wasting invaluable time being affected by this incident; time that you'll never get back. It is fine to be there for your cousin because you love and care for her. But it's time to stop thinking about yourself, David, and put your cousin first.
Dr. Archer
My husband has emotionally stomped me for 30 years...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am living with a man who, during the last four years, has brought me to the point of desperation. He knows everything, has done everything, and he is the only one who can do anything right. He took my job away from me by talking to my employers; they fired me and hired him! He told me that was how he had planned it all along.
He never talks to me without beginning with "you don't know, you don't understand, you were never taught, or you never learned". Whatever the problem is, he makes every situation my fault and refuses to take any blame or responsibility. I have my own home business now, and all he does is inform me what I am doing wrong, even though I have been doing it for 30 years. I have very happy customers who love my work.
When he walks into the house he asks, "What didn't you get done today?" I would give anything for him to tell me I've done something right.
Now here's my main problem: I am taking care of four disabled family members in my home, which he never had a problem with. Now I find out that he wants my family here because he thinks it will be too hard for me to leave. He tells everyone when they ask about me, "she's home where she belongs."
I have an established business in my home, and it would be almost impossible to find another home big enough to accommodate family and business. Even though the contract for the house names me as the renter, he actually pays the rent. He has mentally and emotionally stomped on me until I feel as if there is no way out. Despite the awful things he tells me, he says he will never leave me. I've tried to get him to leave, to no avail. Please tell me how to keep going. I am so depressed that I wonder why I should even try.
Barbara
Hi Barbara,
OK, you can fix this situation and I'm going to tell you how. First, I think you are depressed with a likely chemical imbalance that has developed over the years. You must get this assessed and, if present, treated, preferably by a psychiatrist. You will need all your energy and strength to take the following steps.
Next, you must be fully prepared for all possibilities. This means having a talk with a family law specialist to understand your options. Talk to family and trusted friends, as well. You must have a realistic plan in place before you proceed to the next step.
Finally, you must realize you have accepted this relationship for years and that the longer you stay in a bad relationship, the more you accept it as normal, and therefore the harder it is to change. So you must next make a list of all the problems you see in the relationship and discuss them with your husband. You may think he doesn't care or doesn't want to listen, but you must alert him so he knows how you feel. AND, Barbara, also say that if changes are not made you will leave. Schedule a follow up with him in a week or so.
Barbara, after you have had a psych eval, after you have made your list and have had the discussion with your husband, and after the two of you have had your follow up time, a conclusion must be made. Has he worked to make home life more comfortable for you? Is he giving you the credit you deserve? Or, is he treating you the same and belittling you in order to pump up his own ego?
If he is trying to improve, great! Encourage good behavior on his part. However, if nothing has changed, then you have your answer. You must follow through with your ultimatum and leave. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. I wish you luck.
Dr. Archer
Why won't you give advice to those under 18...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Why wont you give advice to me just because Im under 18?
Shauna
Hi Shauna,
Recently I have received several questions from readers under 18. Not only you; there's Mia, Lanny, Marissa and several others.
The policy of both my website and my own personal policy is that anyone under the age of 18 should discuss their health care needs with their parents first and foremost. Thus, I feel I would be infringing on the rights of the parents and also giving implied encouragement to minors not tell their family whats going on in their lives. So, I encourage you to discuss your problem with your parents. Above all, Shauna, the lines of communication should be open at all times. Hopefully, they and you together can get you some help for your concerns. Take care.
Dr. Archer
My son has PTSD after serving in Iraq... Dear Dr. Archer,
My son, a former Marine, has post traumatic shock syndrome from the two tours he served in Fallujah, Iraq, 2004-2007.
I feel fortunate knowing that he has come back home physically intact, but feel overwhelmed when he talks to me about the war. He has come back from war a different young man. He has a quick temper, has trouble sleeping and has difficulties with personal relationships. He is seeking help at an area VA hospital, and his new college has support available for him.
The problem is, I know that he is going through a difficult time and, as his mother, I feel helpless. He is not the same son that left me to go off to war. Rather, he has returned an angry man. Do you know of any good websites for parents of former service men?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
First of all, let me express, along with my readers, our gratitude to your son for his service to our country.
It is true, our soldiers go off to war, only to return with residues of war present in their daily lives. Your son's struggles are not unique; these stories are repeated many times over. In fact, PTSD is an anxiety disorder that can develop in survivors of any terrifying ordeal in which there is a threat of serious bodily harm. Almost 30 percent of soldiers in a war zone develop PTSD according to the National Institute of Mental Health. For those individuals who spend extended periods of time in a high-risk situation, however, the rate rises to over 50. But, this is definitely a treatable condition.
One positive and helpful thing that your son has going for him is that he has a loving mother who wants to help him. These folks need all the help they can get. We owe them and our country owes them. First, let me say I am pleased that he is taking advantage of the VA hospital, they are excellent at treating this, and that he also has access to assistance on campus.
Being a Vet Parent, there is a site just for you.
Visit Parents Zone. On this website, you will find listed an assortment of other websites for particular problems, for particular branches of the military and for mothers. Also you will find invaluable information on the returning veteran of war and the problems they experience.
All three of these sites that I listed have several more sites listed within their site. They should help you tremendously in your quest to find answers to your many questions and concerns.
Elizabeth, again, we thank you for the service your son gave for our country. Remember, one of the best things you can do for him is to be there for him, to listen to him when he needs to talk, and to be nonjudgmental as he makes his way back into American society. It will take time, but I have a feeling he has a good support system to help him along.
Dr. Archer
I watch super heroes on TV 14 hours a day...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am an 18 year old female. For a week, I have been watching a television series on superheroes, spending approximately 13-14 hours a day. I have finished four volumes in a week.
Yesterday is when my problem began. Whenever I close my eyes to go to sleep, I see myself as one of the superheroes. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remove the images from my head. For this reason, I have not been able to sleep. I close my eyes, watch these images closely and then wake up suddenly.
This is really very painful. What should I do?
Miara
Hi Miara,
If this has only been going on for a day, then it really is no cause for concern. I would certainly caution you about doing anything for 13 to 14 hours a day for a week, so definitely you've learned not to do that again.
Now you need to focus on doing anything but television for a while. Hang out with friends, study, exercise, whatever but no TV. Watching that much television so intensely on the same subject can "program" the brain to think of nothing else. If you follow my advice, this should clear on its own within a week or so.
Miara, I would also like to offer you a few tips on getting to sleep easier, which may speed your progress along a bit.
**Wake up and go to bed at the same time every day. This should be done on weekends, as well.
**Limit your intake of alcohol and caffeine during the day, especially a couple of hours before bedtime.
**Avoid eating 2 to 3 hours before bedtime, and do not eat a large meal.
**Exercise regularly for good health but always finish a few hours before bedtime.
**Relax before bedtime: take a bath, read a book, listen to relaxing music.
**If you can't fall asleep within 20 minutes, get out of bed, go to another room and do something for as long as it takes to feel tired and then try again. Good luck, Miara.
Dr. Archer
Confronting this guy does not seem safe...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I participate in a small support group weekly which is led by a therapist. One of the men in the group is quite pitiful. He is unattractive, on the rare occasion that he talks it is always about his job, and the only people in his life seem to be his father and grandmother. He strikes me as such a shell of a person, sort of a body without a soul. When asked once why he didn't talk much, he mentioned his adversion to gays.
Three of the eight men in our group are gay. I asked him if he was secure in his sexuality and, of course, he said yes. I have tried to be nice to him in the few brief conversations that we've had. I told him once that I liked his new glasses, because his first pair were horrible. A few months ago, despite the fact that he knows that I am married with children, he asked if I would play tennis with him. I told him that he could come over sometime and play with my husband and me.
Recently, he seemed to be waiting for me to come into the room so that he could sit next to me, which he did as soon as I sat down. One of the other guys in the group talked about the recent, painful breakup of a relationship he had been in for three years. His girlfriend had gotten cold feet as their wedding day approached, and called off the engagement. As we were getting up to leave, the guy next to me looked at me and asked, "I wonder if his girlfriend works out at LA Fitness?" This suggested to me that he thought she should be killed for the pain she caused by the breakup.
I mentioned this to our leader, who does not believe that this guy is dangerous, based on previous psychological testing. The leader would like me to confront him about the statement, but given the fact that he seems to be a bit interested in me, I don't even want to be in the same room with him.
Now, to make the issue even more complicated, when I was between the ages of ten and thirteen, I was the victim of a pedophile. I freak out whenever I sense that I may be the target of a psycho, and I know now that I can protect myself. But confronting this guy does not seem safe. I'm afraid that it may make things worse, like trying to put a collar on a rabid dog. I would appreciate your advice, please!!!
Lauren
Hi Lauren,
The whole key to successful group therapy is to have a therapist that you respect and trust as the leader. From what you told me here I see no reason to disagree with the one that runs the group. I would follow his advice and confront the guy within the safety of the group. Make sure to not only bring up the statement, but also the fact that his interest in you is making you uncomfortable. This should solve the problem, and if not, then the therapist should intervene.
Please keep in mind, Lauren, that trust and safety issues are of paramount importance in any kind of therapy. Your scars of dealing with sexual abuse during your childhood are especially important. The therapist is expected to make every reasonable effort to make sure you feel safe in your environment. Then the leap of faith falls upon you, the victim, as to when you might feel safe enough to take that leap. You are aware of the reasons you do not feel safe, and therefore, you should discuss these with your therapist.
However, if you are totally not comfortable with doing this, then you really should consider another group. The whole purpose of group therapy is to open up to the other members. If you cannot do this, then it really is not giving you the maximum amount of benefit. You need a venue to continue your treatment to the level you believe it needs to go for you to heal completely. This should be your top priority. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I'm dating an Iraq veteran with problems...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am dating a man who is currently serving in the armed forces. He has been married twice. He has been shutting me out lately, telling me that I would be better off without him. He lives three hours away, so I am not there to witness any obvious symptoms of abnormal behavior.
He wakes up several times through the night. In fact, he grinds his teeth so badly that it wakes him up. He exercises vigorously every day, and works long hours on the base. I am trying to determine whether the stress of Iraq and going through his second divorce has triggered something to cause this depression, or perhaps he is bipolar. He won't see a medical professional for an evaluation, because he says it will ruin his military career.
He has three years left before his retirement. His mother, who is in her 60's, was just treated for something, I'm not sure what her diagnosis was. She was put on medication and is seeing a therapist. I have never seen a manic episode with him, absolutely no highs. He seems normal, but he says that it is a constant battle for him to stay "normal." He experiences waves of darkness that come over him randomly, he says, and he has to struggle to maintain control.
I've fallen hard for this man, and I don't want to turn my back and walk away. However, if he keeps shutting me out and won't communicate, I don't know what to do. Does this sound like someone who is bipolar? Or could he possibly have a chemical imbalance that causes depression? Any insight would be most appreciated!
Denise
Hi Denise,
Though I'm not sure of the diagnosis, I am sure of one thing. Your boyfriend is going through his second divorce so of course he's under stress. He may be shutting you out strictly because of the situation in his life. What he needs right now is for things to slow down between the two of you so he can take care of ending his marriage.
Denise, your friend is experiencing an emotional trauma that can affect many aspects of his life. Divorce is painful; it represents the loss of a relationship, shared dreams and commitments. He is probably feeling profound disappointment, stress and grief. To overcome these emotions, he should take as much time as he needs and concentrate on himself. He needs to step back and allow emotional wounds to heal before starting a new relationship. He needs to learn what makes him happy and what his emotional needs are. This will allow him to make better decisions about who he chooses to open his life to.
My advice is for you to pull back a little and give him the time and space he needs. Rather than trying to get him to open up more, you need to be supportive but understanding of his situation. I am very cautious about two things when it comes to relationships. A relationship that starts before a previous one ends, and allowing sufficient alone time for recovery from a previous relationship. You can be supportive, but as I said before, you also need to give him the time and space he needs and deserves. Healing takes time, so please be patient with him.
Dr. Archer
I want my husband to stand up for me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
After my husband and I got married, his mother got sick and I said she could stay with us. At that time we got along great. She has now been with us for almost six years. I am not much on talking and neither is my husband. He never talks to his mother unless she goes to his office and talks to him. I don't talk to her, and I treat his mother badly and he gets angry with me. Most of our fights have been because of her complaining that I work six days a week. He takes half of my check while she pays for nothing.
She plays bingo three days a week, shops and sits in her room. I do the cleaning, though not much of the cooking because I work from 12:00 to 8:00 a.m. My husband cooks for his mother, but if she wasn't here I know he would not cook for my son. His mom brings food home for herself but no one else. She will ask her son if he wants her to bring him something home for him, though. I have been brought up to bring home for everyone or not at all.
My husband is always in his office and when I need to speak with him he acts like I'm bothering him. I love my husband, but I don't know how to get him to see that I need some attention. He has not hardly said a word to me after our last argument 4 weeks ago. I think he wants a divorce. He says he's not happy, but the day his mother caused a fight, we went away for two days and had a good time. But then the night we get home it all changed.
What I want is time alone with my husband. His mom gets angry, and I would love for him to take up for me when she starts her trouble. I can't say anything because he gets defensive and screams at me and I end up crying. I want my husband to love me like a wife, not a renter. If I don't give him half my check he says my son and I can't live here for free. However, his mom does not pay for anything, and my son and I hardly eat at all. If we do, I have to use the other part of my check to buy food for him.
I want him to tell his mother that I am his wife and he doesn't want to hear her problems about me. If he could stand up to her, I think we would get along better. I feel that she's lonely and hates the fact that she's not Number 1 in his eyes. I am confused and I want to save my marriage. I need help quick. I hope I didn't confuse you, as well!
Jene
Hi Jene,
Notice how everything in your story is: "I want my husband to.....", "If he would take my side.....", "I think my husband wants....". Jene if you don't stand up for yourself, then I promise you, no one else will. You have to believe you deserve respect and if you aren't given it, then you must take action.
This is really very simple here, Jene. You must decide what YOU want for you, and then you must decide what YOU are going to do about it. Your husband is walking all over you because you allow him to do that. He takes his mother's side constantly because you let him. After you decide what you want, whether it be more couple time with your husband, for your mother-in-law to move out or for your son to get equal treatment, then you must have a talk with your husband and tell him!
Tell him you need time where the two of you can talk alone, without interruptions. Let him know your feelings and that things must change if the family is to stay intact. Your son, by no means, should be made to feel like a guest in his own home. Teen years are difficult enough; his home should be his refuge. Anger should not be present during the talk, Jene, but rather truthfulness, tact, prudence and love. Let him know you want to be treated as a wife, and you want a happy, secure home.
Then, if he continues his current actions there must be consequences. Understand that if you want change you must tell him. If he refuses to change and you stay, then you are giving tacit permission for him to continue what he's doing. You must have a plan if he won't meet your needs. Whether it's moving out or no longer giving him half your check he must understand that you mean business. I know I'm being firm here but you must take action to solve this problem. Good Luck, Jene.
Dr. Archer
Could it be post traumatic stress 19 years later...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I watch you on Issues, with Jane Velez-Mitchell. I am 37 years old, and have a 19 year old daughter whom is a product of rape. She has been the joy of my life. She graduated with top honors from high school, and is now at Penn State. She received an $84,000 scholarship to attend college. To me she is perfect: she is 4'9" and a gymnast. In fact her picture hangs in the Hershey Museum on the painting that is of Milton Hershey. She was chosen to be part of the painting when she tried out as one of the models.
Now that she is a successful adult, lovely and adored by all that meet her, I feel that I am about 19 years too late dealing with the rape. It was horrible and I have a tremendously difficult time trying to date or get close to anyone.
For the past 19 years I would not let myself think about it. I had a child to raise. I graduated from high school when she was three months old. My family was Mormon, and we were left out of the church when she was little. I attended college after she started school.
My question is, would it be possible to still have post traumatic stress from something that happened so long ago? I am surprised at my sadness that comes when I think about the rape. I believe my main problem is that I am now alone. I did not realize how much this rape injured me. My family did not believe I was raped because I did not tell them until I was six months pregnant. We have never talked about it after their initial reaction, which was, for me to go on with my life and try to forget about it. I would like to have a relationship, but have not really ever had one. Thank you for your input.
Shalena
Hi Shalena,
It's highly unlikely that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has first appeared 19 years after your trauma. I think you've summed it up yourself by saying your main problem is that you're alone. You are probably suffering from empty nest syndrome, now that your daughter is gone. This is a normal reaction that all parents, especially women, go through when they are suddenly without children in the house for the first time.
When a child leaves the home, frequently feelings of sadness and loss are deeply felt. It is most common in autumn, when the child leaves for college. These feelings are very natural. It is also quite normal to weep now and again, or even spend time in the absent child's bedroom in an attempt to feel closer to her. Please do not feel ashamed of your feelings. I stress to you that they are quite normal. You probably have some depression, and whenever we are depressed, our minds think negative thoughts.
I want you to begin thinking positive thoughts, Shalena. Think of your daughter. I know from the way you described her to me that she is beautiful, bright and outgoing. It takes good parenting to raise well-adjusted children to adulthood. Good for you! She is beginning a new chapter in her life now, and you must do the same. Start to identify yourself not only as mom, but as a special and unique person in your own right. It's time for you to make your own changes. You have the other half of your life to live--make the most of it. Build up your confidence and plan to make something of your new-found freedom. Life is what we make it, Shalena, and it takes effort. Extend your circle of friends, and open yourself up to the possibility of a mate.
It's now time for you to put some serious thought into where your life goes from here. Perhaps it's time for a career change, or perhaps get involved with a battered women's shelter as a volunteer. I think if you take care of your life now and are happy with what you are doing, the rape will no longer seem as devastating.
If, after making conscious changes in your life you feel like you need counseling to talk about the rape, then by all means do so. But I am saying that I don't think that's the primary problem here. Also understand that no matter how horrible the rape was, the end result was your spectacular daughter. Remember, when your thoughts turn negative I would like you to focus on your daughter, how wonderful she is and what a good parent you are to her. Good luck, Shalena.
Dr. Archer
My husband won't change...
Dear Dr. Archer,
What do you do when your verbally abusive, obsessive-compulsive husband refuses to get treatment? I just asked my husband why he married me if I am as imperfect as he states. He said, "I wonder myself too, sometimes." Yet in the same breath he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together.
He is 63 years old and retired. He is a full time house husband and loves to garden. I work full time to keep us both with health insurance. He is extremely tight with money, which is alright with me, up to a point. He packs my lunch everyday so I won't spend money on lunch. He is allowed to have his stuff all over our house, but I am not. He goes through the house and piles up anything I have left laying around and tells me to put it away. His stuff is organized, so it is ok.
Here is a small list of things he says about me when we argue. I am too heavy, even though he is about 50 pounds overweight. I take too much medication. I take medication for my thyroid and depression; I also take allergy medication because he has a cat, and I have allergies. He also takes more medication than I, but that's alright because his is cheaper. I eat too much salt, mayonnaise, sugar, cereal, butter, but not enough vegetables, fruit, etc.
It's ironic, because he does all the cooking. By the way, I'm 5'6" and weigh 172 pounds. He doesn't like my kids. I don't talk enough, and he talks constantly. He actually semi-accused me of having a lesbian relationship with a co-worker because I talk about her very often. I can't talk about my job because he tells me how to do it. I can't talk about my kids because he doesn't agree with their lifestyles. I now can't talk about my friends at work because he thinks I am gay.
He decorated our house when we moved in. All of my things are in "my room," which is a sewing/craft room. I wanted to help a lady who came into my place of work, and he can't understand why. He won't let me engage in wildlife rescue because it costs money.
The biggest problem, of course, is there is not enough sex. And he is proud of the way he is, and says it often. This barely described my husband; I could go on and on. We will do fine for several weeks, then I can see the resentment building up in him toward me. Then we have a big blow out which never resolves anything. It is taking me longer and longer to recover from these arguments.
I have read books, and gone to a therapist. He refuses because it costs too much money. I have searched the Internet and have talked to friends, trying to understand and help him. But now I am worn out. Today I put a half of an Ativan (anxiety med) in his drink, just to get him to be quiet. I'm tired. Please help!
Samantha
Hi Samantha,
My first question to you is why did you marry him? You sound miserable, and drugging your husband's drink, while amusing, could be dangerous and is not the answer. So here's the deal. Though this sounds cliché, we all are responsible for our own life. This means that regardless of what your husband does, or whether this is new behavior, it is up to you to decide if you want to be in this relationship. This means it is time for some thinking, Samantha. Two questions you must decide are: 1) Are you satisfied with your relationship? 2) If not, are you willing to leave your husband if he doesn't change?
That's it, very simple. You need to sit down and do some very deep thinking about whether or not you are willing to put up with his behavior. If you're not, then you need to have a talk with him and let him know exactly how you feel. But you must understand that if you have no consequences for his actions and he continues to refuse to compromise with you, then you only have two choices. You either stay or you go. If you stay, then you are accepting the marriage as is.
Divorce, even when we want it, is very traumatic. It is never an easy process. When we marry, we believe we will be with our spouse for the rest of our lives. If the marriage fails, sometimes we consider it our own failure, which is often difficult to grasp. If you want, make a list of pros and cons. Sometimes seeing good and bad traits on paper gives us a new perspective. You must weigh the good and the bad. And realize that this process, no matter how strongly we feel about it, is scary. But you must deal with it in your own way.
So, Samantha, do some soul-searching and come to your decision. If it involves breaking up the marriage, tell your husband you refuse to take this treatment of you any further. But you must be really serious about everything you've said; then you must be willing to separate if he won't change. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My husband was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been married to my husband, Paul, for almost 11 years, during which we've had some pretty rough times. Due to a heart surgery he had before we were married, Paul has not worked for nine years. I am a teacher and have supported us throughout. Five years ago Paul found out his heart surgery was not necessary, and we received a large monetary settlement. We bought a house, new car and such with the money.
During this new found financial freedom, Paul was doing drugs, staying out late, sleeping all day, taking money out of our joint account, becoming quite friendly with a 17 year old daughter of a drug friend of his, and was verbally and physically abusive to me.I had him jailed, but within a few weeks he was promising to change his ways and stay away from undesirable people. I took him back, but, as of yet, haven't yet forgiven him and haven't begun to heal. Then he began falling and hurting himself at home. We spent hours in the ER.
Finally, in January of this year, after 3 MRIs, cat scans and lumbar puncture, Paul was diagnosed as having a conversion disorder. Paul has been on 100 mg of Zoloft and 20 mg of Abilify since the end of January. To me he seems better physically. The occupational and physical therapy helped. However, he still needs to be reminded to take medication, sleeps too much, and has no real interest in his family or family activities.
His current psychiatrist thinks Paul is doing fine and that we should go to couple's counseling to resolve some issues. I disagree, and I also don't agree with the current medication and treatment he is receiving. I feel he is more depressed and antisocial, and I think getting at the root of why he did what he did in good times would be more beneficial.
I know Paul, and I am not ashamed or angry. I want him to receive the right kind of help. His family tries to call him, but he does not return their calls. Their anger and resentment are pointed toward me. I would like to see him renew his passion for family, fishing, camping, and me. Thank you for your time reading my story. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Janeen
Hi Janeen,
I'm not going to attempt, nor would it be appropriate, to offer a diagnosis of your husband's condition over the Internet. I do, however, have some general comments.
First, conversion disorder is a major reason for visits to primary care practitioners. Second, it is a condition in which a person has blindness, paralysis or other nervous system symptoms that cannot be explained. An easy way to think of the diagnosis is as a conversion from a psychological stress to a physical symptom. These symptoms may occur because of emotional distress or psychological problems and usually begin suddenly after a stressful experience.
Third, diagnostic testing will not find any physical cause for the symptoms, but the condition is very real, though I never give the diagnosis unless every possible physical test has been completed and is normal. Psychotherapy and stress management may help reduce the symptoms, and usually physical or occupational therapy is very beneficial.
Next, while in general, I don't recommend couple's therapy when a serious psychiatric condition is present, I think in this case the symptoms that Paul is exhibiting are related to the problems in the marriage that were brought on by his drug use and possible infidelity. So, I think therapy, both as a couple and for each of you individually, would be helpful.
In addition, if you are not happy with his current treatment, then a second opinion would be worthwhile. I always encourage that venue with patients that are not responding to treatment. The fact is that treatment with psychiatric medications is as much science as it is art. It never hurts to get some new ideas, and two heads are typically better than one. Take care.
Dr. Archer
I underestimate myself...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 19 year old boy, and I believe I have a very unique problem. First is my lack of confidence positive attitude. Second and most important, I tend to underestimate myself in almost everything I do.
For example, when I talk to someone, I wonder where do all my thoughts come from. When I play a sport I think, how am I able to do this? When I sit in lectures I speculate how do I think I am able to understand what is being said? Whenever I feel this way, I am not able to concentrate. I am not able to study as I think I should. I contemplate on how does one learn and understand things? Of course, by then I have lost my concentration.
I have some problems with my social life because of this. I keep thinking why are things in this world the way they are, such as, what makes a tasty food tasty? Why do we watch television for entertainment? I wonder if it could be a case of chemical imbalance. I am in dire need of help.
AR
Hi AR,
You haven't given me a lot of information to work with here, but I think you may be suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, also known as GAD. This is a disorder which is characterized by chronic anxiety, exaggerated worry even though there is little or nothing to provoke it. People with GAD can't seem to shake their concerns. Their worries bring on physical symptoms, which can include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension and aches, poor concentration, irritability and sweating. About 18 percent of American adults have anxiety disorders.
AR, the first thing you should do is see your family doctor. If he determines the symptoms that concern you are anxiety related, the next step is to see a mental health professional. You may only need therapy, but medication may be needed, as well. If you are diagnosed as having a chemical imbalance of the brain as the cause of your anxiety then medication will be needed and would be a very important part of your treatment. Good luck, AR.
Dr. Archer
I'm engaged but not sure I'm in love...
Dear Dr. Archer,
This is Nandan from Dubai again. I don't know what is happening to me.
I wrote to you some time back regarding my possessiveness. I am trying to come terms with the advice you gave me, but I feel like I am losing the love I had for my fiance. I am not able to love her from my heart, and I feel as if I am acting. I don't know why I do this.
When I meet a beautiful girl, I sometimes flirt with her. I really don't know what to do. I sometimes feel like quitting my job. Should I return to India ? I think that if I stay away from her I might lose my love for her. Please Dr. Archer., I really need your advice !!
Nandan
Hi Nandan,
Thanks for the follow up email. I remember you and your story. So, it sounds like your possessiveness is better but now you are questioning your love for your fiance. So my first bit of advice is, don't get married yet. You have to be sure that this is what you want. Now Nandan, I certainly understand that your culture is different than mine, and as far as I know, your marriage may have been arranged. But I do know that human nature is the same across the whole planet and if you are questioning this now, then what would it hurt to postpone things for a bit?
So you must figure out what you want, and in order to do this you must include your fiance! She deserves to know how you are feeling and as far as you know, she may have doubts of her own. It is vitally important for a meaningful relationship to be based on honesty, sincerity, and the ability of both parties to listen to what the other person is saying. Without these traits, the marriage is doomed from the start.
So talk, talk, talk with her, Nandan. Make sure this is something that you both want and are not just going through the motions. Finally, I really don't see how going back to India will make a difference. After a couple of days I'm going to combine your two questions in a blog and we'll get some feedback from the readers.
Dr. Archer
I've got disabilities and feel life is passing me by...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 27 years old and currently feel my life is totally out of control. I have dealt my entire life with my diagnosed learning disabilities. I have Attention Deficit Disorder and Motor Dyspraxia (difficulty planning skilled movements) both of which were diagnosed early in my life.
I spent my entire childhood in the special education system, going between totally inclusive environments to a self-contained classroom and ultimately ending up in a mainstreamed class for all subjects except math. I believed at the time I was getting the best education I could get. I had a mother that was an educational advocate and I believed everyone had my best interest at heart. I was lucky because I graduated high school and was able to attend college and get a degree. College was the best time in my life; I lived on my own and developed social skills which had alluded me and made friends. I was also able to find some independent living skills.
Since college, I can't help but feel life is passing me by. I live in my parents' house, I only work part-time at a minimum wage job, lost all my social skills, and spend time alone in my room watching TV or on the Internet. I interact very little with people my own age.
I was so overwhelmed at college, I had no way of figuring out how to look for a job or go on interviews. The fact that I don't have a driver's license made things worse for me. I left college with no job prospects because I did not have transportation to go to interviews or a job, should I have been offered one. I've only been able to find a job at a supermarket as a cashier and I am miserable. I find myself depressed and angry.
I feel I can do better, but can't seem to figure out how to make it happen. I can't cook, can't drive, I don't know how to iron and I can't even afford to pay for groceries or rent. My parents keep telling me I need to start being an adult and get a job, but I can't seem to make this happen.
Bottom line is this, I don't like the direction my life has taken. I thought by now I would be living on my own and enjoying a good career. My math skills are at a fifth or sixth grade level. I've tried hiring tutors, but I can't afford them. Every day my self-confidence gets smaller and smaller. I socialize with my mother and I know that's not healthy.
What can I do to improve my math skills, find a better job and find a way to improve my independent living skills? Also I'm curious on your thoughts about the school system teaching me 5th grade math in 7th grade, then in 8th grade being mainstreamed and expected to know and understand 8th grade level material. They waived my math and science requirements, and I feel though that was for the best at the time, that I am no more ready to work now than I was in third grade. I have no idea what to do. Please give me some advice.
Matthew
Hi Matthew,
You've obviously been through a lot in life, so let's see what we can do to help you focus on the future. First, there is no point in dwelling on the past, ie, what the school system did or did not do back in 8th grade. What's done is done; you must focus on what to do now.
Next, you do not need to be good at math to live a productive life. I'm struck by how well you wrote this letter to me, so clearly your language/communication skills are fine. So, here is what you should focus on. First, get a driver's license. I see no reason why you can't drive. This will markedly increase your ability to live alone as well as increase your self esteem. Next, you don't need to cook to live alone. Many folks eat all of their meals in restaurants. Also make an effort to connect with some of your college friends. I recommend Face Book for this.
Also, since you were so happy in school, why not consider returning for a master's degree? Perhaps in the field of counseling. This way, there's no math and you could help people from going through what you did. Plan ahead, be organized and keep good notes, and record your progress. Know all the services that your school and community provide. How? Start by asking at the college you may attend and go from there. All schools have resources (financial and other) for disabled students whether it's a mental or physical disability. People are out there to help you; you just need to find them and that starts by asking!
Also, pace yourself. Give yourself a break; get support from others, and choose your battles. Certain tasks may take you longer, and that is just fine. It does not, in any way, mean that you have failed. Never, ever lose sight of your goals. In closing, Matthew, I want you to give up the norm and become your own person. You must realize that this is your life and that it's up to you to take charge of it at this point. Remember happiness is a state of mind, choose it or lose it. All the best.
Dr. Archer
My husband tells me what to think, what to say and what to wear...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 19 and a mom to one daughter. I have a very jealous husband and I have been through a lot with him. I would like to return to school to continue my education, but my husband will not allow me to do this because he would be jealous of the guys I would meet. I cannot watch television when they show a guy in his boxers; I cannot wear certain things; I am NOT allowed to talk to any male close to my age; I am not allowed to go to WalMart because my ex works there. The only day I get out of the house without my husband is every Thursday when I go to pay bills. Then he asks me where did I go and who did I see. He makes me swear on my life that I am telling him the truth.
Believe it or not, his jealousy used to be worse. I used to not be able to wear makeup or do up my hair when we went out. He would say I was showing off for someone else. I am not allowed to have friends and I'm not able to go to the beach. I can't even look at another male. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be myself again. I lost who I was, and I have to write things down just to remember WHO I AM.
I received two invitations to modeling agencies to do some modeling work, but he will not allow this, either. I would like to have a job, but he always comes up with excuses as to why I cannot. I want to feel like I am doing something for my daughter. I started having panic attacks when I married him and I had depression for a while; I probably still have it. I don't know what to. I am afraid to leave him because I don't want to be alone, I wouldn't have a car and I wouldn't be able to take care of my daughter. We presently have a car, but the payment would too expensive for me.
I hate to hurt him, but I am not happy. I now have anger issues; to cope I find myself punching the wall. It has gotten to the point when I try to talk to someone I start stuttering. If I don't do something soon I think I'm going to have to go to the psychiatric ward. I need support and I don't have it. My mom says to stay with him so my daughter will have a good life, but what about me? In order to be a good mom I need to be happy, too. It's not fair; if I can't do what I want to do, then he shouldn't be able to, either. He tells me how to think, what to wear, what to say and I am tired of it. I am also scared to leave. I just don't know what to do. I need advice and support. Please help me!
Emily
Hi Emily,
Controlling people seek to dominate others because they believe that they are, themselves, powerless. Men and women who feel self-assured and comfortable with themselves are not threatened by others. Anger is a clear window into the mentality of a controlling personality, because beneath the anger is fear, anxiety and insecurity. The need to control causes you much stress, therefore, your husband's life tends to maintain a sense of disorder....in order to control all.
Listen to me carefully, Emily. You are in a toxic relationship and you MUST get out immediately. See a family law specialist, talk to your family and friends and plan your escape now. The longer you stay, the more of yourself you lose and the harder it gets to leave. Also this pattern of behavior often leads to physical violence. Marriage and love should be about two life partners supporting and helping each other to be the best they can be. Your situation is the exact opposite.
Finally, I would be surprised if you are not depressed after living through all this, so an evaluation by a psychiatrist is absolutely mandatory as well. Emily, I know you feel you can't escape this situation, but you can. Baby steps, one at a time. Just don't lose sight of your goal which is to be free and happy with your daughter. You can do it Emily.
Dr. Archer
My ex has tracked me down on Face Book...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My daughter's father found me on Face Book and messaged me recently. Eight years ago he gave up his rights to my daughter when she was 15 months old. He wrote me and told me he feels guilty and wants to do something for me . I did not respond to his message. I don't want anything from him. I want him to forget about us and leave us alone. He said he wouldn't interfere with us and would understand if I didn't answer him. I don't trust him. My profile picture was of my daughter and myself. Now he knows what she looks like and I fear that he may try and kidnap her.
Am I overreacting? I'm hoping this was a one time thing and I will never hear from him again. He gave up his rights to her and he is NEVER getting them back. My daughter's father was on drugs and has an arrest record. When I was pregnant, I only saw him about 3 times. He came around a lot after I first had the baby, and eventually his visits became less frequent. He would lie and make up excuses why he couldn't come over, and I found out later it was because he had a girlfriend.
I had sued him for child support and then he counter sued me for visitation and to have her last name changed. I freaked out. I didn't want him to ever be alone with her and I didn't want his girlfriends around her. We went to court for the child support and then about 4 months later I got a letter from him saying that he didn't want to go to court again. He wanted to work something out on our own. He also told me that he was having another child and getting married. I told him that I wanted his rights terminated and to let me get on with my life. He was hesitant, and we did argue, but he agreed to it only IF I promised not to go after him for child support. When we met to sign the papers, the only part he wanted to see was that he didn't have to pay support. I found out that he gave up his rights to his second child, as well.
There is just so much that he has done to make me not trust him. The other girl had a restraining order against him because he threatened to kill her. He says that he has changed and he would love to do something for me if I'd just let him. I want him to forget that we exist. I worry that he'll do something drastic. I worry that he'll contact my daughter one day. I worry that my daughter will hate me for not letting him in her life, but I didn't force him to sign those papers. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, and I want to protect her and keep her safe. Thank you so much for discussing my situation with Catherine Hickland on her radio show. You both are great!
Sue
Hi Sue,
As I pointed out on the radio, this is a difficult situation because of the long eight year time frame since you've seen your ex. Folks do make mistakes and they do change and also, he is the father of your daughter. At some point, for better or worse, she is going to want to know her dad. If she perceives you as blocking that, then that will be a problem.
So, what you must do is give him a chance very, very carefully. First, do not respond to his initial email and see if he is persistent enough to write again. Then you must outline in your response all of the concerns you have and judge his reply to that. Baby steps, Sue, and lots of time will allow you to make a decision as to how much he has changed. But you must realize as your daughter gets older at some point you will no longer have a say if she wants to see her Dad. So do your due diligence now.
At the same time you must start talking to your daughter about her father; the good, (if any), the bad, and the ugly. She will want to know at some point and you should start right away. I won't repeat everything we already discussed on the radio but as I said, I will post this on my blog and we'll get some feedback from other parents out there.
Dr. Archer
I think about injuring myself frequently...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 30 year old male, and I have insane thoughts. I tried to do research on the Internet on my problem, but could not find anything. I think I am a self harmer, a self mutilator, a self injurer. I do not have any thoughts of suicide. I wonder often why a human being is so fragile. Thoughts like "what will happen if I do this," always cross my mind. When I think like this, I want to find an answer.
I began harming myself in different ways when I was around 17 years. I would hit myself on my head to see if I would damage my brain with a hard blow. Not so much to feel the pain, but to see if I would survive without doing harm to my brain. There was another time when I would twist my neck and shake my head from one side to another so hard just to made sure my neck would not break . After confirming that it was not so fragile, I stopped.
Now I started hurting my eyes to see if they are fragile. I wanted to see if I would go blind if I closed my eye and pressed hard on my eyeball. Hoping I experience dizziness and felt like vomiting when my finger applied pressure on the eyeball. I did this self harming act just wanting to get a positive answer that my eye would not go blind suddenly. Thoughts came across my head while doing this, like wondering if I would ruin my cornea, would I go blind, and things like that. I know the answer is yes, but I cannot control myself.
I do not know what am I suffering from, whether it's mental or self harming. I want to feel like my body organs are perfect and that they are not too fragile. Please advise me. Sometimes I think about cutting off my hand to prevent me from doing harm to myself.
Rick
Hi, Rick,
You have all my sympathy. This is one of the hardest things to deal with in life, having urges like this which you can't control. The first thing you need to understand is that there is, indeed, help for you.
But first some facts:
About two million people in the U.S. are self-injurers (SI). Approximately 1% of the population has inflicted physical injury upon themselves, but that number is most likely underestimated because the majority of acts of self-injury go unreported. The cause is felt to be poor coping skills with respect to dealing with stress. So instead of thinking about a coping strategy, the SI individual will cause themselves pain in order to take their mind off the stress they are facing. They may also believe that the wounds, which are physical evidence, proves their emotional pain is real. The relief they feel is temporary, of course.
In terms of treatment, Rick, my advice is to first see a psychiatrist and get an evaluation for a chemical imbalance. A large number of SI individuals also meet criteria for clinical depression, and in this case medication could make a huge difference. Also, even though you don't have thoughts of suicide, I still worry about you. Having a professional involved in your care would be a great security.
Next, here are some pointers that may help:
*If you self-injure to deal with anger try something different running, dancing fast, screaming, punching a pillow, throwing something, ripping something apart.
*If you hurt yourself in order to feel something when you feel numb inside, hold ice cubes in one hand and try to crush them, hold a package of frozen food, take a very cold shower, chew something with a very strong taste (like chili peppers, raw ginger root, or a grapefruit peel).
*If you inflict physical pain to calm yourself, try deep breathing, writing in a journal, drawing, or doing some yoga. All the best Rick!
Dr. Archer
I procrastinate constantly...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My problem is a little bit strange. I am a procrastinator when it comes to preparing for exams. I always plan to begin studying at least one week prior to an exam date. The reality is that I start to study two days before the exam. By this time, all of my friends have been studying during the week. I feel terrible that I have not even started studying and everyone else is prepared and knows the material.
How do I get focused enough to study when I need to, instead of when I have to? I feel inferior to my friends who are able to do this. It makes me feel like I am not in control of what needs to be done. Please help me.
Danny
Hi Danny,
Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by delaying actions or tasks to a later time. There are three criteria I use to categorize procrastination. It must be: (1) Counterproductive (2) Needless (3) Delaying.
The root cause for procrastination is a fear of failure. This method of coping with the anxiety of facing an exam is self-defeating, which you already know. Rather than giving it your all, you leave yourself an escape by saying, "Well, I could have succeeded if I hadn't waited till the last minute." You must understand that procrastination is making you feel weak, useless and helpless. So, here are some tips which may help you overcome your procrastination:
*Make your task look easy in your mind. This means visualizing study as a fun, relaxing pursuit. I know it sounds crazy, but try it!
*Do only a small part of the task each time. Instead of not studying at all, study for 10 or 15 minutes.
*Set up study time with friends.
*Modify your environment. Find a place where you can study. Maybe at home, a library or coffee shop. What feels best for you?
*Plan study time every day and stick to it.
*Realize that procrastination is reinforcing - - every time you put off studying, it reinforces your negative attitude toward studying. Every time you study, you feel better about yourself.
There is an expression I love which states: Obstacles are put in our way in life to help us decide if we really want something or just think we do. I have given you some tools to work with. So for you, Danny, the question is very simple. Do you wish to succeed in school or not? Do you wish to give it your all and be the best you can be, or not? It's your choice.
Dr. Archer
My son drowned 3 years ago and I'm still so sad...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 58 year old woman. Three years ago on Memorial Day my 26 year old son drowned. It has not been proven, but his father and I and everyone else believe that he had a seizure while swimming in the Swannee river in Florida.
My son could swim like a fish and he always knew when a seizure was coming on. He had walked up an embankment, away from his friends, and that was the last they saw of him until the next day when he was spotted floating in the water. He had suffered from seizures since he was four years old, but was controlled with medication. Since he became an adult he was in denial about his seizures and didn't think he needed medicine. It was very expensive, too, and he refused to spend what little money he made on medication.
When he was seven his father and I divorced. After going to see his father in Florida every month or so he decided that he wanted to live with him. Why wouldn't he? His father had money and spoiled him. I was struggling and couldn't give him what he was wanted. To make a long story short, he ended up living with his Dad until he was an adult. He did come to see me every year and our relationship was great. As an adult he got into trouble, ended up in prison for a year or so, then got out and went from job to job. He was a troubled young man. The year before he died, he changed considerably and was happy. He seemed to be on the road to where he should be, then he died.
Even three years after he has been gone, the only thing that makes me happy is the knowledge that he called me one week before he died just to tell me that he loved me. Of course I told him that I loved him too. But, I feel guilty that I let him go live with his father. I catch myself laughing at something and then stop and think, what do I have to be happy about, my son is dead. I feel bad enjoying simple pleasures.
It is an emotional rollercoaster. I used to be silly and funny and my family loved being around me; I feel that things will never be the same. I have a daughter who is five years older than my son. She has a wonderful life, great husband and four beautiful granddaughters. I am blessed to have them, but I am still missing my son.
I have thought about taking medication for depression, but I don't like taking medication. I also feel that this sort of depression needs to be naturally dealt with. I have never gone to a support group, and don't want to. It doesn't take much for the tears to start flowing. Anything emotional on TV or whatever makes me cry as much as it did before. Well... that's my story. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.
Tina
Hi Tina,
I am so sorry for your loss. The death of a child is something no parent should ever have to face but, unfortunately, many do. These cases are some of the hardest that I deal with as a psychiatrist and I will share my thoughts with you, Tina. First you have no reason whatsoever for guilt. It sounds like you had a loving, caring relationship with your son. Who could ask for more? Since you and your ex-husband lived in different towns, your son had to live primarily with one of you, and it just happened to be your ex.
Next, I will say that when a tragedy such as this occurs, every parent must at some point make a decision, and the same is true for you. You must decide if this will get the best of you or you will get the best of it. Those parents that do best will often devote their time and energy to a cause related to the death of their child. For example, in this case, drowning awareness, water safety or seizure prevention. Also it wouldn't hurt for you to see a psychiatrist just to make sure a chemical imbalance is not present.
Finally, Tina, you must dedicate yourself to living your life, enjoying your daughter and your grandbabies and getting back to the lady that laughed and joked, and that folks loved being around. That is the best way you can honor the life of your son. For in the end you must move on.
In closing I would like you to ask yourself one simple question. If your son could see the way you are behaving now would he approve? Or, would he say Mom get out there and live and enjoy your life to the max, for none of us will ever know how much time we have on this earth until it's gone. Make it count. Dr. Archer
I fantasize about being spanked...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Ever since I was about 10 years old I have had recurring daydreams. I am now 59 and still go off into the same daydreams, most likely when I am feeling depressed. I can dream in bed for hours at a time in the mornings or at night. In my dreams I am the perfect me, nice body, attractive and liked by people.
My father was very harsh and sapped me and my siblings of all confidence and self esteem. My mother, who was also hard, wouldn't allow us to have compliments in case we became big-headed. When I was 10 I watched a TV program where a young woman was very difficult, and said her parents didn't love her. A man told her she needed a spanking, to which she said that her parents didn't love her enough to spank her. So he put her over his knee and spanked her.
Could I have somehow mistaken that for love? I have never been married, nor have I had boyfriends. I have never had sexual relationships because of growing up in a strict religious household. Over the years my daydreams have always involved my favorite TV personality at the time. It is always a man I like very much, and in my daydreams I always need to be spanked by him over his knee. I don't believe there is anything sexual involved in this dream. It's as if I'm not acting responsibly and have to be corrected - over and over again in imagined situations about what I have done wrong.
At times it drives me crazy that I can't seem to get away from this daydream. I'll try and daydream about nice things happening with the man but it always ends up the same way. I'll go for months, sometimes a year or more, without daydreaming and then something will happen that starts me daydreaming again.
I have also suffered from compulsive eating in recent years which I suspect came from a kind of friendship with a man some years ago. He loved spanking women and it seemed as if we could help each other. However, he abused me because he was stronger than me and didn't stop when I wanted him to. Can you help me figure this out please? I'm fed up!
NB
Hi NB,
First, let me say this, approximately 7% of our population engage in fantasizing about either spanking or being spanked. To make things even more challenging for treating psychiatrists, out of this group of individuals, about half were spanked as children and the other half were not.
Unfortunately, many girls grow up with the notion that a female is naturally dominated by a male. Their existence by simply being female means being punished when they do something wrong. This belief contradicts the meaning of love and marriage, which is the equality of two people who love and respect each other. The key here is not in trying to understand your dream, but rather it is in the fact that you spend so much time thinking, fantasizing, dreaming and trying to figure out all of this that you have no time to focus on real life.
So here's my advice, NB. You must learn to focus your life on reality, not fantasy. Develop hobbies, make friends, join clubs, put in extra time at work or volunteer at a worthwhile charity. You have to realize you have worth to yourself, your family and society.
Realize that being a woman is a gift that you share with someone special who will honor that gift. In the same light, realize that there is a special man out there who has the gift of being a man that you will love and cherish. Mutual respect for each other is paramount in a relationship if it is to work. Leave the fantasies behind and get out there and start contributing.......you'll be amazed at the difference. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Im a sexual addict
Dear Dr. Archer
I grew up poor, and my parents divorced when I was four years old. Mom remarried, and my stepfather, a medical doctor, was wealthy and my life changed. After their second year of their marriage, he became sick. Bipolar disorders, depression, suicidal attempts, hospitalizations were some of the experiences we grew up with in that home.
My sister married an American after a week of knowing him and left the country. I had been living in California for a while, so I had learned how different our cultures were. I decided to leave the country since my sister had left.
I had numerous relationships after that, with men who were famous as well as unknowns. None of them lasted very long.
I know and read about sexual addition as a compulsive sexual disorder and feel that I have this. I canīt seem to commit to one person, and I need change frequently. I feel frustrated and I want to give up right away.
I had a psychiatrist and psychologist since I was 17, but they did not help me, either. While I was 17, my psychiatrist, who was 40, and I had a sexual relationship a week before I departed from the country.
Right now I have a dependent relationship with my mother, who has cancer. My sister comes and goes, but does not help out. It seemed like my whole family started to get sick and die. I am really scared.
I do not believe in marriage, children and the concept of family. I would love to be able to make enough money to be independent and live free somewhere, away from my family. What do you think?
Mara
Hi Mara:
Your story is so touching, and although you don't see any hope, I think you could have a bright future ahead of you; IF you treat your addiction. Sexual addiction is a real disease, and it is horrendous that your psychiatrist engaged in a sexual relationship with you, this could not have helped the situation. I would encourage you to immediately find a Sex Addicts Anonymous group in your community, this would be a good start. Also you must schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. I suspect with all that youve been through that you are suffering from depression as well.
Sexual addiction is the compulsive desire to think about sex, view sex and engage in sex and its mainly treated by therapy at this point. But we are learning that all addictions are related through the brain chemical Dopamine. This means that soon there may be a medication for this condition. Get help Mara, take that first step now! Thats how you start down the road to independence.
Dr. Archer
I don't want my fiance' to EVER speak to another man...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am currently working in Dubai. I am getting married next year and I have a serious problem.
I feel I have changed a great deal. I have become very possessive about my fiance'. I don't like other men speaking to her; I don't like her speaking about or to other men. I don't even think that I can stand to have her in the workforce. I don't trust other men. Doctor, I really need your advice. I am unable to control my feelings.
I don't believe I was like this before, and this is really getting out of control. Previously, I had few bad habits which I stopped because my fiance' didn't like it. I try to control my possessiveness when she talks about her friends and her cousins. Somehow, I am not able to understand why this bothers me so much.
I don't think I was like this before. Doctor, please advise me. How can I handle this problem?
Nandan
Hi Nandan,
You are correct. This is a very serious problem and typically this type of possessiveness gets worse with time. In fact, this situation is what often leads to physical abuse so it must be addressed now. This is all about low self esteem on your part. You feel that you are not good enough for your fiance' and are constantly afraid some one will steal her away, so you counter this fear by becoming overly controlling.
The control takes many forms: verbal abuse such as telling your partner that shes worthless, stupid and incompetent in order to make her feel that shes lucky to have you. Isolation from her family and friends so they can't tell her not to put up with your unreasonable demands and emotional abuse involving the marriage and sing love as a weapon.
The first thing you must do here is to have a long talk with your fianc about this problem. She needs to understand and then perhaps the two of you can work on it together. Take a step back, Nandan, and take a long look at the stress you may be causing this woman.
If your possessiveness continues, she will eventually become resentful. Relationships and friendships are not built on who is in control, but rather, they are built on mutual respect. Marriage should never, ever be a dictatorship. There is a huge difference between being in control of one's self and trying to control your spouse. Having good self-esteem is a great thing, the other is not.
If you cannot work on your self-esteem alone, then your next step is to see a therapist. You must deal with this before you get married or the the marriage is doomed from the start.
Dr. Archer
I married my fiancé even though I want nothing to do with her...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 27 year old married Indian male. My marriage was arranged for me, and now I feel like I am in big trouble.
After my wife and I were engaged, I left Dubai and fell in love with another woman who is from the Philippines. We were working together at the same company. When the company found about our relationship, she was terminated. She didn't have anyone to help her, so I did all I could do for her.
That put us in an even deeper relationship. After one year, I got married to my fiancé in India even though I don't want to continue any relationship with her. Mine is a different character. I am always looking for love from others, yet I do not like to give love. I found out my wife is now pregnant. I don't know what to do. I am drinking heavily now because I feel like I am sinning for what I am doing. Because of this situation I find myself in, I have high blood pressure.
Please offer me some good advice. I am waiting for your reply.
Ajith.
Hi Ajith,
No doubt you are between the proverbial rock and a hard place. But here's the deal, you have one decision that must be made first. Do you love the woman from the Philippines? Do you wish to be in a relationship with her? If the answer is no, then you need to immediately cease all contact with her. Explain that you need to focus on your wife and unborn child and that you have to terminate the relationship.
Then focus on your family and make some long term decisions, (take your time and think this through!), about whether you wish to stay married. I will tell you the time to make that decision is now for the sake of you, your wife and your unborn child.
So that's scenario # 1. On the other hand, if you are in love with your girlfriend and are sure you want a life with her, then you must tell your wife now. Don't drag this out any longer! She deserves to know so that you all can move on with your lives. In either case you must make sure to make arrangements to be in your new baby's life whether you stay married or not.
By the way, Ajith, the reason you have bad health and are drinking so much is because you are leading a double life filled with lies and deceit, not only to those around you, but more importantly to yourself. Once you take action to tell the truth you will feel a profound sense of relief. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My girlfriend was prescribed Prozac and now doesn't love me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I began dating my now ex-girlfriend in November, 2008. Three weeks ago she broke up with me. For the first four or five months we were extremely happy and very much in love. In fact, things were so great, we were openly talking about being together forever.
At that time my girl was prescribed 20mg of Prozac by her doctor for an eating disorder, rather than depression. For the last three months, she has drifted away, preferring to spend more time with friends and becoming less attached to me. She has been unable to explain her feelings but she says that while she 'adores' me she just doesn't love me anymore. I know that it is very possible that she has just 'fallen out of love' with me.
I am interested in knowing, however, whether the Prozac she is taking could have affected our relationship. What is your opinion? It is very difficult to move on with my life without trying as hard as I can by this girl, whom I love so very much. Regards.
Vincent
Hi Vincent,
Prozac is the most commonly prescribed medication for eating disorders.
To answer your question, yes, an antidepressant like Prozac could indeed have an effect on your relationship, but not in the way you think. Prozac is a medication that can be used to treat a variety of psychiatric disorders including depression, anxiety, OCD and eating disorders. Up to half of eating disorder patients have an additional psychological disorder, such as depression or anxiety. Prozac helps sufferers by treating these disorders as well. Even when prescribed for one of these, it would still have an effect on others.
I suspect that this med has probably treated any underlying mild depression or anxiety. Whenever that happens an individual will feel very differently about what is happening with their work, family, friends and relationships. Prozac restores and maintains healthy levels of a brain chemical called serotonin, which controls mood, feelings and appetite. By controlling these, Prozac makes a sufferer feel much better and more in control. Unfortunately, Vincent, this sometimes means that what worked before in the lives of these folks sometimes doesn't work any more.
So have a talk with your ex about the above. If your ex-girlfriend is happy and the medication is working, then you really can't ask her to stop taking it, but you can let her know your observations about how she's changed.
However, Vincent, that's all you can do at this point. You must respect her wishes and if she doesn't love you anymore, it's time to move on. Take care
Dr. Archer
Love...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Love, that little word we all know so well. Or do we? What does the word "LOVE" actually stand for. L.O.V.E, in a literal way as well as a figurative one? Well, here's my take on that little four letter word that over countless millennia has impacted so many of us.
"L"
The first word that springs to mind is "LUST." Is that what love really means? When we see something maybe for the first time or even over a period of time and, of course in a sexual manner, that red hot wanting, unquenchable feel of unadulterated lust, longing after a person in a highly sexed state of mind could be construed as love, do the two become intertwined, or is lust simply a short term sexual fix that could never really hold the mantle and the true meaning of the word love?
The word longing, which of course also starts with the letter L, deserves a quick mention. "LONGING," that burning aching desire for someone who you love more than life itself, but no matter what, it "ain't gonna happen." A year passes, then two, then five. Oh the hunger's still there, (the hope), but the chasm of inevitability has widened through the course of time and though you still long/love, the damning hammer blow of reality eventually strikes one last final time and slowly, very slowly you let go and the raging fire of longing dies to the flickering flame of acceptance, though sadly for some people, like the ETERNALLY flickering flame, it never quite goes out.
"O"
"OBSESSION," yes we've all been there. Those two aforementioned words, lust and longing drop into that category, I suppose. However, the word obsession in its purest form is a lethal concoction of desire, lust, want and need all thrust together and has throughout history caused countless conflicts and wrecked lives all dressed up in the sheep's clothing of love but really under the guise of the nine letter word we call obsession.
"V"
"VENERATION," which means adoration, or worship if you like. It doesn't matter, it all means the same. How many of you out there " head over heels" haven't totally worshipped the ground the person you love, walks on, absolute unmitigated adoration, yes "you know who you are?"
No matter what, you would belly crawl through razor blades just to be near the one you love? Worship? Ummm, yes, well that, my smitten little love birds is veneration.
"E"
"EXPECTATION." Well, you didn't think I would forget that little pearl did you? You see love only works if it's a two way street, baby and when most of us fall off the precipice of normality and into the abyss of love WE EXPECT it to be reciprocal, both ways, because if it ain't and it doesn't matter how much money you have. The Beatles were spot on "MONEY DON'T BUY ME LOVE". If the love vibes aren't bouncing in both directions, then depending which sex has the bigger brain and even lesser morals, love then becomes a dangerous weapon. Oh and what a powerful, potent tool love is when used in the right manipulative way, by the someone who is receiving it, though not really, only appearing to be giving it back. How many times has that happened?
The problem is, the poor unfortunate sap that is pouring love out to the bastard who isn't, doesn't see it until it's TOO LATE and why? Because they're blind with love and EXPECTANCY that the person they love is supposed to love them back the same way "they" do. But when they do finally wake up to the fact that it's just been a one way thing after all, the cruel mistress of realization unveils herself and strikes you with the savage dagger of truth straight through the heart and sadly some people never, ever recover.
In closing we all must wonder this: IS SHE/HE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU? CAN YOU REALLY, REALLY TELL? WELL CAN YOU??? Dr. Archer why would I write something like that? Is this normal, am I in perpetual denial? Please help me. Written Feb 14th.
Steven
Hi Steven,
You know as well as I why you would write something like this on Valentine's Day. There can be only one explanation, so MY question is why are you asking me to validate what you have so eloquently put into words? I think that you explained unrequited love better than I ever could.
Of course I don't know the details of what lead to your experience with love and, as they say, the devil is in the details. Every case is so different, yet so similar. The name/time/place/situation differ, yet the feeling, emotion and pain is the same.
I usually don't post anything but stories to my site but in this case, I find myself wondering about the story that prompted your writing. Perhaps you would share that with us? Then I could perhaps give better advice. Or perhaps there is no advice that will help here other than time. Lots of time. Take Care, Stephen.
Dr. Archer
My husband was abused by his father...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I saw you on Headline News talking about Michael Jacksons childhood and the abuse he suffered from his father and saying that this played a huge roll in his adult life and caused all types of problems. My husband was also abused by his father seriously from a young age. Now he refuses to speak to him and wants no relationship at all and wont let our kids spend any time alone with him.
Also he used to tell me a little about it but wont discuss it anymore. Hes a good husband, provider and a wonderful father: very happy and outgoing. My fear is that hes never had therapy for this and Im worried that at some point this will cause him problems if he doesnt get it out in the open. What do you think? Should I keep pushing the issue?
Debby
Hi Debby,
First, yes I do think that in Michael Jackson's case that the abuse he suffered, as well as his lack of a true childhood, were issues that he struggled with his whole life. He said so himself in more than one interview. That being said I think its important to understand that if you are abused as a child this doesnt automatically mean you will suffer psychiatric problems later in life though the odds do increase significantly.
Every one of us has our way of dealing with past and present stress. Sometimes when our coping is ineffective, or even destructive, then therapy can be a good way to teach coping skills. But in the case of your husband it sounds like he is doing fine. So, Debby, my advice is to stop bringing up the subject and stop pushing for therapy. If he starts to have problems you can rethink this, but as long as hes doing well, leave it alone.
By the way, I agree with his decision not to leave the kids alone with his father and if he chooses not to have a relationship with the man that abused him then thats his choice and you should respect that. Take Care.
Dr. Archer
She caused the death of six people...Dear Dr. Archer,I would like to tell you of an occurrence which has haunted many people for many years. We believe it's finally time to talk about it. We know someone who, though not actually present when this occurred, put the wheels into motion for a tragedy that took the lives of six people and totally changed the lives of many individuals.This woman and her husband of one year found themselves separated again. She stormed out of the house and went to visit someone out of state. After a few days of getting no attention from her husband, she fabricated a story that a family member had been badly hurt and that he, along with other family members, needed to fly to where she was staying. The phone calls went back and forth all day until finally, around 10:30 p.m., she convinced them to come meet her. Everyone knew the story was a lie and no one wanted to make the trip, but she insisted. Her last conversations with those family members were not pleasant and full of love.Six people packed into a small plane, which ultimately crashed two and a half hours later, while trying to find the airport at 1:00 a.m. Because of this woman's deceit and lies, these innocent people were killed. Immediately following, the lives of many, many people were changed forever. Many children lost their dads that night, and one child lost a mom and a dad.She went to the crash site and actually picked up bloody money, (which I am told was in the thousands). That has always her mindset. It's either me, me, me or money, money, money.There were fundraisers to help raise money for her daughters' grave markers but instead, we were told, she used the money for her own personal gain. She even pimped out her younger children to beg for money from strangers. She did nothing for her husband's grave site; his children ultimately paid for the marker because, as she put it, "I'm so over that."This woman's life goes on as though nothing has happened. We're all living with the loss and she's still doing what she has always done, taking advantage of those that she can. She has scammed many people over the years, and she continues to do so. There are too many stories to tell you.We don't ever expect her to apologize or take responsibility for her actions causing so much destruction. After much counseling and soul searching, we have realized things happen in God's time, not ours.Wow, I guess we're doing better than we thought. Guess we just needed to write it down and look into a little more counseling. Thanks for listening,Tammy.Hi Tammy,
Thank you for sharing this tragic story. You are absolutely correct that you're better off than you realized and that the simple act of writing this down is one of the last steps in the healing process. You see, Tammy, in order to move on you eventually must forgive; not forget, but forgive. Not for her, but for you and your loved ones that were affected.
You don't need to ever speak or have contact with her again, but you must realize that whatever she did, she did not "cause" that plane to crash. It is what it is, and it is over and done with. Focus the grief you have left on your life and the lives of your family and friends. For you, this episode should now be over. All the best.
Dr. Archer
I get nervous in crowds and driving over bridges...Dear Dr. Archer,I am 31 years old. All my life I have avoided crowds whenever possible. They have made me uncomfortable for as long as I can remember, and never considered it abnormal behavior. When I am in a crowd, I look ahead to see how far it is to an open space, and try my best to make my way through the crowd to get there. Other than that, I have never had a physical reaction.The other day, however, I was at a function for my daughter. The hallway outside was congested with parents. My heart started racing, my body warmed, and I began to sweat from the forehead. I couldn't wait to find an open space.The strange thing is, the same thing happened to me the other day when I was driving over a bridge, alone in my car. I kept imagining my car getting a blowout and me being trapped in one of the lanes. My heart beat was so fast I could feel it in my throat and I started sweating on my forehead and hands. As soon as I was over the bridge, it went away. I've considered that perhaps I am claustrophobic, but I have no problem riding in elevators or being in small spaces, as long as there is no one in my personal space. Should I be concerned? Will this get worse?KellyHi Kelly,
I think you started with social anxiety disorder, (anxiety about social situations), which is getting worse. It may have progressed to the point that now you could be developing some mild panic attacks. Please see my panic attack video in the "See Dr. Archer" section of this website for an explanation of this.
Essentially, you need to seek treatment for a psychiatric condition when a behavior or reaction to a condition affects how you choose to live your life. It sounds like you are still able to do what you want to do. Merely understanding that you do have a mild condition and knowing what to expect may be enough to prevent this from progressing.
However, Kelly, if this condition gets worse, then you definitely will need a psychiatric evaluation. Panic attacks are extremely treatable, especially when caught early. In addition, here are some tips on staying calm when facing a stressful situation:
Breathe: The average person only uses twenty percent of their lung capacity. To pause and take deep breaths offers your body many benefits, including increased energy, increased blood circulation and relaxation. Breathe in deeply through your nose, and exhale through your mouth slowly.
Relaxation Techniques: You can learn to use guided imagery. Imagine a peaceful setting, a favorite place or perhaps a favorite song and focus on it. Again, concentrate on your breathing and feel the stress ease from your body.
Talk to family and friends: These are the bonds that help define who we are. Family and friends care about you. They are the network that give you comfort and support. Perhaps you could have a family member or friend accompany you to a situation that you suspect may be challenging. Let them be aware of your anxieties. And remember to breathe slowly and deeply. It's free and it has countless benefits to your mind and body. Good luck, Kelly.
Dr. Archer
I talk too much...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I would like to get some advice from you. Thank you for offering your free expertise to people in need; I am not working now and cannot afford counseling. I would like to know how I can make changes to some of my bad behavior?
I talk too much. I have known this for a long time, but can't seem to help myself. I know it's not good, and I have found myself in trouble because I could not seem to keep quiet. I get emotional and try to gain control of the given situation. How can I help myself remain calm and quiet?
I am a very happy person. However, I can get angry very quickly, and again, I seem to not be able to control myself. And then I begin talking too much over whatever the situation is at the time. I have to learn how to be cool, calm and collected, but how do I do this?
Thank you so much for your help. Please forgive me for my lack of perfect English. I am an unemployed, but educated, 40 year old female from Italy. I look forward to your reply. Thank you.
Shiva
Hi Shiva,
The first step in correcting a problem is recognizing that we have a problem. So, you've done that. Now what? First you must decide that you want to change and dedicate yourself to doing so. Here are some tips to make it easier.
Listen, listen, listen to the other individual! If you focus on listening, there is less time for you to talk. Also when you are listening, focus on making eye contact and notice non-verbal clues, which studies have shown to represent 90% of communication as opposed to actual speech. Don't say anything until you've heard what the other person has to say and then allow a pause before responding. Pauses invite the other to say more.
Also, make sure when you respond that at least half of your responses are questions. If you ask a question and then wait and listen to the answer, you will find that it is hard to dominate a conversation.
In summary this is like any other behavior in life. If you want to change it and make it a priority you can change it. Also remember that good communication skills take practice, so after a conversation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went and how you could do better next time. Good luck
Dr. Archer
My husband lies about everything...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband lies about everything, even things that are not important. Shortly after we married I even met someone who attended school with him. She mentioned that everyone thought he was such a good looking guy in school, but that he lied too much. He would much rather lie than tell the truth.
He also tries to impress everyone with his lies. In the last few years, he has been trying to impress people with the amount of money he makes. I found out it was all lies. He had been increasing our home equity line of credit to pay for things. He has not only forged my signature for a loan, but also has forged my signature on titles to the kids'
cars that were paid off, all so that he could get his hands on more money.
He now faces a felony bond for bad checks over $70,000 and out of trust $200,000. All of this because he tries to impress people with money he doesn't have. Now that I know the truth about him, he no longer wants anything to do with me. However, he goes crazy if he even thinks I want to leave. He spends all his time with his new friends that don't know he is a con.
This is my second marriage and it is really hard to leave, now that I have used all my savings trying to help him get out of the mess he has created. I think he may be a sociopath. I hate confrontation, and I am afraid it will be bad when I leave. I hate to say it, but I am waiting to see what happens when he goes to trial because if he goes to jail, it would be so much easier to leave.
Any advice you could give me, Dr. Archer., would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Dish
Hi Dish,
My advice is very simple here: You must leave your husband, NOW! I have no idea what his diagnosis is, maybe he's a sociopath or has some other psychiatric condition. But three things are clear. First he's a pathological liar, second he's facing criminal charges and most importantly he wants nothing to do with you.
That's all you need to know, Dish. Do you really want to hang around waiting for the trial and possible jail time just to make it easier to leave? It doesn't matter that this is your second marriage or that you hate confrontation. We all make mistakes and what's important is that we recognize them for what they are and then correct them.
So, Dish, you must contact a family law attorney and plan a strategy to leave. Let your attorney take care of the confrontation. You must work up a support network of family and friends, decide if you wish to move or fight for the house and make financial arrangements to support yourself. I've said this many times, but again, the only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for a year is being in one for a year and a day. Take care.
Dr. Archer
I miss my mother terribly...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 20 year old female living in China. For the past few months I find myself full of trepidation. I am constantly feeling agitation and anxiety. I cannot name the reason behind this fear. I am quite afraid that I am going to die, or perhaps I will find myself far away from my family and loved ones.
I feel helpless and hopeless. I used to not feel this way, and, quite frankly, I am not sure how this fear began and how it has progressed to this extreme. Last year I lost my mother, and I miss her terribly.
Please help me, Dr. Archer. I really need your help. I look forward to your reply.
Annie
Hi Annie,
I think you are going through a grief reaction over the loss of your mother. All of the symptoms you describe could be related to this loss. No one understands the loss of a parent until it happens to them, especially as young as you are. I could say this is normal, but in your case, it seems to be bordering the extreme, and it has me concerned.
My suggestion, Annie, is for you to talk to other people about your loss, including family and friends. Speak about your mother openly, and with joy and remember all the good traits she possessed. I'm sure she was a wonderful woman. Don't be afraid to be sad, but at the same time, make a promise to yourself that for every sad moment you have, you create some form of happiness in your life, even if it is to do a good deed for another. I always point out to folks after the loss of a loved one that the last thing in the world that individual would want, would be for you to be dysfunctional after their death. Life is for the living, so remember that you must take charge of your own life and move on.
The only issue to decide here is whether you have developed a chemical imbalance of the brain as well. If you continue to suffer and physical symptoms like poor sleep, low energy, pounding heart, upset stomach and racing thoughts are present , then you would need a psychiatric eval. Good Luck.
Dr. Archer
My life is destroyed because Im bald
Dear Dr. Archer,
Whenever I look at someone, I find myself staring at their features. Whenever I see someone who has a beautiful, full head of hair, I feel very bad about myself, and what I did with my life. I feel like my life is partly destroyed because I'm bald.
There is one girl that I like. She is so beautiful, but how could I possibly tell her this? How could she possibly be attracted to me, especially because of my own looks? She is attending another college, and she is the college beauty. Presently, we are just friends. I have never told her my feelings, that I like her in that way. I'm sure there are many guys at that college that like her. Someone will be her boyfriend, but I would like for that someone to be me. I don't know what to do.
I enjoy being silent for long periods of time. Yet, at the same time, I can also enjoy long conversations and enjoy plenty of laughs with the right person. I want to make a good impression on this lady, but am afraid of messing up my chances. Am I going mad or what? I don't want to lose any chance I may have with this girl. Advice please?
Ajay
Hi Ajay,
There are two issues to address here. First, I will tell you that in the grand scheme of things, being bald means nothing. Many men opt for a shaved head look these days by choice. So, you must first come to terms with who you are and accept this aspect of yourself. Maybe it's time to see your hairdresser and try out the shaved head look?
Next, let's talk about the girl you like. The best way to make an impression on this woman is to be yourself, enjoy her company and be her friend. If she likes you, it will be because of who you really are, not because of some contrived image of you. As your friendship continues, you may eventually want to have a talk to discuss how you feel but believe me there is no rush for that.
The most important clue in your story, Ajay, is that you blame baldness for what you've done with your life. There are many successful balding men (and women I'm sure). Take the time to evaluate what you've wanted in your life, and why you haven't attained those goals. Make a list of things you "could have" accomplished if only you had hair... and then go do them! Its your choice and all just a state of mind.
Dr. Archer
My ex is following and threatening me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am having trouble with my ex. I do not know how to respond to him when he accuses me of pawning my daughter off on her friends so I can go out when it is my weekend with her. When she is with me, the only time she spends the night at a friend's house is when she asks me to do so. I never get a babysitter for her when she is with me.
He believes I am only interested in my needs and not my daughter's. I feel like I have to justify my actions. When it is my visitation time, I believe I am taking good care of her. I am tired of arguing with my ex. I have tried various types of responses, but nothing seems to work.
My ex also makes accusations and threats about me dating or going out with friends. Of course, this makes me very uncomfortable. He drives by my home often. If there is a strange car at my home he will make some negative comment about it. He claims he is following me and keeping a record of everything I am doing.
I am not on drugs, nor doing anything that is detrimental to myself or my daughter. I need some assistance on how to handle communication with my ex.
I am sure he will continue to disrupt, control, manipulate and ruin any plans I try to have in the future. I do not want to allow this to happen. I need to know how to respond in the most effective manner to address this problem. Do you have any feedback on this? Thanks for your advice.
Amy
Hi Amy,
First, this is not atypical behavior in cases where divorce and children are involved. Not healthy, but not unusual.
Next, as long as you are not doing anything wrong you can continue to live your life as you are doing. You need to make him aware of that. I'm assuming that with the custody issues, you have an attorney involved. Be sure you keep your attorney informed about what is going on.
Finally, Amy, you must have a talk with your ex and tell him exactly what you told me. That you are doing nothing wrong and that you would like him to stop following and threatening you. Also, tell him you will keep your own log from now on and that if he doesn't stop these activities, you will give this information to your attorney, file a restraining order, (which the courts will usually grant in divorce cases), and if he doesn't cease, then you will seek full custody.
Frequently, exes look at this type of game as a way to maintain contact. You need to let him know this is no game and that legal consequences are coming unless he lightens up. Unfortunately all of this will take time to work out so hang in there and take it one step at a time.
Dr. Archer
My step daughter is sexually out of control
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have an 18 year old stepdaughter who already has two children. Her life is spiraling downhill. She had been molested by her mother's brother and taught to steal by her mother. We received custody of her at three years of age, and she has been with us since. At the time we lived with my husband's mother.
Until my stepdaughter was ten, we had no problems with her. She was involved in school and extracurricular activities. On her tenth birthday I asked her what she wanted. She replied that she wanted to spend Easter break with her mother to get to know her. I sent her to visit for 2 weeks. Without our knowledge, her mother sent her to her other grandmother after a month. She returned six months later.
Since then it has been one problem after another. Her grades fell. She wasn't interested in school and she became boy crazy. Two years later we found out she was raped by her mother's boyfriend during her visit and her mother made her keep it a secret. She started skipping school to be with boys.
We took her out of public school and put her in private school. The promiscuity continued. She was on the track team, her grades were picking up, and her principal liked her so much that she took her with her to represent the school at various events. One weekend she had a track meet that got her into the nationals. The next morning we woke up and she was gone, leaving a note behind saying she was pregnant, so she dropped out of school in the 11th grade.
We tried to get her to come home but she went from house to house of friends and boyfriends. When she was 8 months pregnant I got my mom to take her in, but she stole from her. We found her an apartment but she didn't pay the rent and wouldn't get a job so she was evicted. When the baby was 9 months we took her back. In January her baby turned one. We found out she was 4 months pregnant. We were so fed up we sent her back to her mother, and now the downward spiral is out of control.
How do I help her without enabling her laziness not to work while at the same time setting an example for my younger ones. I don't want them to think they can move, mess up and just come back home. My 18 year old has nothing now except a one month old and a one year old. What do I do?
Mary
Hi Mary,
On the surface, this looks like a typical tough love case. Your daughter has two children, no job, and doesn't want to take care of her children. But I see something under the surface that makes me concerned.
First, it is evident that your stepdaughter has the ability to excel, she did well in school, excelled in sports, and improved her behavior after a school change. That's a good sign. The promiscuity is a symptom, not the problem.
If your stepdaughter was molested, raped, and told to be quiet about it, chances are she is suffering in a way that you cannot understand. Under no circumstances should she go back to her mother. There are social services (call your local county information line) that can help you find housing and help for her and her children.
Also, Mary, it is quite possible she has a chemical imbalance depression and medication could help her tremendously. A talk with a therapist that deals specifically with sexual abuse issues wouldn't hurt either. But first, she should see a psychiatrist for an eval as soon as you can convince her to go. However, in the end if she refuses help you cant make her accept it. Just make sure that you always place the needs of her young children first and if you have any concerns about abuse or neglect then you must report this to child protection immediately.
As for your other children I think they get the message loud and clear. They see what this has led to in terms of her life and I can assure you this may be the best life lesson they ever get. Best of luck.
Dr. Archer
Our daughter is shacking up and doing drugs...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My wife and I have a 23 year old daughter who lives at home with us. She has a one year old son from a brief relationship with a guy who is not in any of our lives. She is adopted and we all used to see a psychiatrist when she was in her teens. This doctor said about 80% of adopted children have problems feeling good about themselves.
Our problem is our daughter takes our grandson down to a local lake for the weekend every weekend. We have had two people come to us unsolicited advising that she is using drugs and drinking a lot with this new boyfriend who she has known for six months. She says the boyfriend's mother watches him but we don't want someone else who allows them to shack up in her house to be raising him on the weekends.
We still put a roof over her head and are buying her a new car, but she will not do anything around the house and just wants to be with this guy. We are concerned about our grandson and are afraid if we come on too strong, like not paying for her car, etc., she would leave home with him and we would never see him again.
All we want is a stable home for him and for her to get her life straight and start meeting decent men who respect her and her son. Please help us as we are desperate for advice.
Neil
Hi Neil,
This is indeed a difficult situation. Obviously, unless you have proof of neglect or abuse you really have no say in the raising of your grandchild, so you have a choice to make. You can ride the fence. She is only 23 and with time she may become wiser and more settled. This means you have to be supportive, accept that she has her own life and try to be there as much as possible to help out. If you do that, however, you give up your right to complain about it- for now.
You can also practice tough love. Establish a structure that requires her contribution (school, housework, job) as payment for her car, and the roof over her head. Tell her that since you are paying the bills, you want to have a say in how her son is raised. You can insist that you don't want her son to be down at the lake with her and her boyfriend and offer to take care of him on those weekends. If she doesn't agree to those terms, she can take charge of her own life and be on her own.
You may also want to contact a family lawyer to find out if you can get legal temporary custody, or even shared custody of your grandson, since your daughter still lives with you and there is suspicion of drug abuse. However, I think this is unlikely.
So think about this and decide what works best for you. I would say give it some time first. Her relationship with the boyfriend sounds unstable and these typically dont last. One last thing is that adoption in and of itself does not cause problems with self esteem, so I disagree with your previous Doc. Best of Luck.
Dr. Archer
I feel I don't love my husband anymore...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 34 years old and have been married for 5 years. I feel like I might not love my husband anymore. I don't feel sexually attracted to him and I enjoy the time I get to spend alone with my daughter more than when he is there.
He seems to have become such a negative person. When we are out being social, or when he is at work, he's fun and happy. However, when we're at home or out with just us three, he's so down. I'm feeling so tired of trying to cheer him up and asking him what is wrong all the time. I also don't feel very supported by him. He doesn't ask me about my day, or the results of a tennis match, or the results of a problem I brought up to him about my work. I feel very isolated from him. I'm just not happy with the marriage right now.
Whenever I think about not being married to him, though, I cry for what my daughter would have to go through. She's only 3 years old. I just don't know what to do about this. I often feel like I need to bring up my feelings, and then I think "well, things are not that bad", when the opportunity presents itself.
Marilyn
Hi Marilyn,
The good news is you are only 5 years into the marriage and you have asked for advice long before the relationship has reached a point of no return; with that being said, you have a lot of work to do and it starts now!
You must have a talk with your husband right away and tell him how you feel. It's very common for a relationship to wax and wane, so it doesn't mean your issues have been solved just because you are having a good day when "things are not that bad" . You need to tell him exactly what you said in your email to me.
Your husband may think things are just great the way they are and unless you tell him otherwise you can't put the blame on him. Once you have opened up you need to give him time to process what you have said. You should also encourage him to bring up any of his own issues.
After you both have aired your thoughts, don't ask for a solution right away. Set up a day and time when you will talk again to discuss both of your reflections on the problem. That will be the time you start working on concrete solutions. You could even enlist a counselor or mediator if you have trouble coming up with answers.
As long as you are both open and honest, this process should go smoothly. If either one of you starts resisting or just won't put in the effort, you could be looking at a potentially relationship-ending situation. Good Luck,
Dr. Archer
I sometimes hit my boyfriend...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I always abuse my boyfriend. He loves me; however he thinks I don't love him. He also says that when I'm mean I keep shoving him away and that I don't want to have someone who really loves me. Sometimes I hit him and I don't know why I do that. Im stronger than he is; he's kinda a wimp.
I know he loves me and I want to make it work but I'm so mean all the time. Why can't I just accept that hes a good man and be happy? We have a kid together and she loves him. I think I love him also but I know I want to be with him no matter what.
I'm not seeing anyone else, and neither is he. He's scared of me. I'm very confused about this. Also, my girlfriend wants me to be with her in a loving way and I'm confused about this because I'm not like that. My boyfriend hates her so much but he likes my other friends. I think he knows about her but I don't want that at all because I'm a Christian. What should I do to make this work with him?
Renee
Dear Renee,
First of all, any patient of mine that says "I hit and I don't know why" is a red flag . If you are this angry without knowing why, then this is a clear indication that the relationship is in trouble. It is never acceptable to use physical violence in a relationship; never. It is irrelevant that you are a female. If the tables were turned, I would be suggesting calling the police. He has every right to do that, and if you have a child, you could lose your parental rights with any number of domestic violence calls. Again, its never ok to hit another except in self defense. You are the aggressor in this relationship and that is never good.
I find it interesting that in the same breath as your troubles with your boyfriend, you mention your best girlfriend that wants to develop a loving relationship with you. Why do you mention that? Whether you have any intention of being with your friend, it means something that you have said it is a source of your confusion. Take some time to think, why is this confusing to you?
My suggestion to you, Renee, is to have a separation from your boyfriend; take good care of yourself and your daughter, and think about your feelings for yourself and for your friend. Remember, anger and hitting is not love. I suspect that you are not truly happy in this relationship and that you are trying to make it work for all the wrong reasons. Often alone time is needed to figure everything out. Take care.
Dr. Archer
My husband thinks I am here just for him...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. I have come to believe that he is a narcissist. In his mind he is always right and I am always wrong. He shows me no attention nor spends time with me. I am starving for affection and understanding, which he dismisses as a demanding wife.
For the first 15 years of our marriage I always felt guilty because he blamed everything that went wrong on me; worse yet, I believed it. I finally sought some counseling for myself and came to realize that this was his way to control me and make himself feel better.
We have 4 children and I don't want a divorce, but I cannot continue to live with a man who believes I am here just for his needs and wants. We are two separate people living in the same house, like roommates. I've tried more than once to talk to him about this, but he never wants to discuss it. He remarks if I am so unhappy then get a divorce.
I want to stay married, but not like this. Can someone with a narcissistic personality ever change?
Loretta
Hi Loretta,
First of all, I certainly can't diagnose your husband as a narcissist based on what you've told me. Second of all, that's not the issue here and hence it is not really important.
The key to your story is that you are starving for love and affection and that your husband refuses to discuss this with you and then tells you to get a divorce if you're unhappy. Obviously, based on this, he is willing to put no time or effort into this relationship. A good rule to remember here is to never make someone a priority when to them you are merely an option.
Thus, you have to look to yourself for the answer, and you have one decision to make here. Do you wish to stay in this marriage as is, with no love and with a man you can't even have a discussion with? Here's another caveat to remember: The only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for 20 years is staying for 20 years and a day.
So, Loretta, your husband has told you where he stands and now you have to decide. You are clearly caught up in what I call the inertia theory. That means that when you are in a settled relationship, no matter how bad it is, it takes much more effort to leave than it does to stay. My advice is to think about all of this very carefully and then make a decision.
If you decide to stay then you must realize that the relationship will not change. It is what it is and you are accepting that. If you decide to leave, which of course, is what I would advise, then you should make your plans, contact a lawyer and try one last talk with your husband. It could be that once you tell him you are leaving and want a divorce that the thought of losing you will cause him to change, but don't count on that.
My last bit of advice is that every day you think about what you want to do is a day where you are giving tacit acceptance to this relationship. You deserve better, Loretta. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Seven years later I'm still obsessed with my ex...
Hello Dr. Archer,
I am absolutely desperate about my ex. It has been 7 long years since we have been together. When I met him, I was 19 and thought he was the one. I was so happy, so totally in love that I moved things forward so quickly that he never had a chance. I was around him all the time, always available. I couldn't help myself. In a period of a few weeks we started sleeping together.
After that he began distancing himself until he withdrew from me altogether. I tried to communicate with him until he came out and told me it was over. I actually got physically sick for weeks. Seven months after that I met new people, started to date other guys and I thought everything was fine. Then I began thinking of him again whenever I would date and once more, became physically ill.
I was in a relationship at that time and was not telling the truth about this to my new boy friend, which, of course, made things worse. I finally revealed my feelings and he was really upset with me. So we broke up and again I was thinking of my ex constantly. After that I was totally depressed and was constantly thinking about suicide. Finally, after three years, I forgot about my ex and moved on with my life. All was good up until recently when I met someone who became very important to me. After we started dating, however, I started to obsessed about my ex 24|7 again!!
What's wrong with me!? Is this a serious mental illness that is prohibiting me from moving on? Thank you in advance.
Martina
Hi Martina,
You clearly have an obsession with your ex boyfriend and it seems that you are able to do well until you enter into a new relationship. This seems to be a trigger for you to relapse. Obviously this is a pattern that keeps repeating and must be addressed now before it ruins another relationship.
This could represent an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or perhaps Depression. What is clear is that I can't diagnose this over the internet and that you need an evaluation by a psychiatrist immediately. Normally, in a case of obsession with an ex I would recommend therapy. But after 7 years and a period when you had thoughts of suicide, this could be a chemical imbalance and require medication. If the Doc you see does not find any reason for meds, then you can discuss therapy.
One final caveat, Martina, is that you must not delay. Schedule an appointment immediately. Don't let this deteriorate to the point it got to before. I'm worried about you and this can be treated. Take care.
Dr. Archer
Im afraid to marry because Ive never had sex
..
Dear Dr. Archer,
I hope you are fine. I am 28 years old male. I have done masters and doing a good job. My problem is that I have great fear of marriage. I am delaying it because I have no confidence in myself regarding marriage. Why I fear marriage, is because I have never done sexual activity in my life. My interaction with the females is so minimum that you can say I have almost no interaction with females, as it is a tradition in our society.
Now, I want to do marriage, but I am afraid of the moment when I would be married. I think you are getting my point. My main problem is that as I have no interaction with females so I would be extremely shy to face my bride after marriage, and perhaps I would fail to perform marital activities. now, advice, what should I do?
Ali
Dear Ali,
Thank you for your story; I can assure you that you are not the first young man worried about his wedding night! There are a number of things men worry about: will they please their wife, will they be good in bed, will they be a good provider? The list goes on!
Here's what I can tell you: as shy and worried as you would be, your bride will be even more nervous.. If abstinence and virginity are custom for the men in your culture, I can only assume that the same goes for the women, right? The beauty of marriage is learning together... as long as you treat your bride with love, respect, and tenderness, you will not fail as a husband in any marital activity.
If you have already picked someone to marry, and you are ready to make that commitment then I encourage you to simply move forward, slowly, with your new bride. As long as you approach every challenge together as a couple, you are on the right path Best of Luck
Dr. Archer
I lied to my partner and she broke up with me...Dr. Archer,First of all, I would like to say I enjoy watching when you are on Fox's Strategy Room. Your comments are informative and insightful.I am a lesbian and have been with my partner, Donna, for three years. A few days later from returning from a vacation in St. Maarten she broke up with me. I am devastated, but it is my own fault.I have been under tremendous stress because I am going through a foreclosure. I did not share this information with Donna because of embarrassment. I had a house fire in January, and the bank has not been willing to release the funds for the contractor. I finally agreed to a stipulation to allow the foreclosure to happen in July, with the understanding that I can still make efforts to refinance or sell the property. The fire, as you can imagine, complicated matters.While Donna and I were in St. Maarten I became irritated at a friend of hers who kept bringing strange men to the condo. I did not say anything to her friend, but I was pretty nasty to Donna about her friend and the visitors. When we returned to the states, Donna found out about the foreclosure and broke up with me. She called me a liar, and she no longer wants to talk to me or even send text messages. Obviously, she is very angry and I understand. I was under stress and took it out on her. But does it have to end?She said she loved me. Can one stop loving so easily? I've been sick to my stomach, unable to sleep very well. It is devastating to know that my foolishness by not being truthful with her caused this breakup. Do you think she'll ever forgive me?Ana
Hi Ana,
You clearly made a mistake by keeping this from your partner, now what to do? What I wonder is, how strong was the relationship to begin with? A Partner should be someone we can confide in during times of stress, yet you chose to keep this from her?
The first question you must ask yourself, Ana, is why did you not divulge this crucial information to her? Were you afraid she would not understand, perhaps trying to protect her or were you scared to add more stress to the situation? Any of these point out the strong possibility that the relationship was in trouble regardless. That could mean that she was planning this anyway after your vacation ended.
Here's the deal, Ana. You have no control over Donna. All you can do is figure out what you want and what mistakes you have made. Please do not rush the process; give yourself time to do this. Once you are clear exactly what you want (take some time here, at least a week) then contact her and try to have a talk. You can try ONCE a week for several weeks to get a reply.
If she refuses to communicate with you, then you have your answer and you must let it go. If she will talk with you, then you must open up and apologize for the deceit. Tell her you love her and that it will never happen again. Then together the two of you can plan where you go from here, either together or apart. This is a difficult situation and all you can do is take charge of your part. If she doesn't want the relationship to continue then you must respect her wishes and move on. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I am dealing with a violent stalker...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I hope you are the psychiatrist I saw several times on "Issues with Jane Velez Mitchell," that talk show on CNN Headline News. If you are the same doctor, it was mentioned that you have treated both stalkers and their victims. I am the victim of a vicious stalker.
I have been searching for someone to help me because the authorities in Cheyenne, Wyoming will not do anything to help me. My story is inclusive of beatings, forgery, theft, phone calls totaling 429 in the period of a week; 151 calls in one day alone, driving myself and friends off the road, cards and letters. In fact, calls were made to two different law enforcement agencies by the stalker when he figured out that law enforcement could make contact with me.
The District Attorney in Cheyenne is claiming that I am not fearful of this individual since I returned to Cheyenne to press charges! If you are, indeed, the doctor who is seen nationally on CNN's HLN's "Issues," I beg your help.
Presently, I am in hiding, and will be waiting for your response. Thank you so much for your time,
Susan
Hi Susan,
Thank you for contacting me; I am so glad to see that my appearances on HLN are reaching out to those who need help! I feel for you; unless you've actually been subjected to a stalker situation, no one can imagine how stressful and upsetting this is.
Yes, I have treated both stalkers and their victims. You should check out a similar Story I answered (see it in my Advice from Dr. Archer section under personal/relationships. The header is: "I am dealing with a psycho-stalker"), but it was not violent. If you have been physically assaulted, my advice is to continue what you are doing; press charges, and try to avoid this person at all costs.
It sounds like you have had ample contact with Law Enforcement, please make sure you get them behind you; a brave woman should not be punished for coming back to press charges! That logic is absolutely ludicrous and you may need an attorney to help you with that; you are the victim!
If you are in hiding, I would recommend finding a women's shelter that deals specifically with domestic violence; your situation doesn't fit their "mission" perfectly, but they have resources and ideas that I am sure will help you. And they would never say you weren't afraid because you pressed charges, plus if you cant afford an attorney they may be able to help.
Also, whatever you do prosecute to the full extent of the law. If no one will come to their senses and help you with the legal system in Cheyenne then contacting the ACLU may be a last resort. Heres their website for preventing violence against women:
ACLU Violence Against Women.
Usually, stalker cases wind down over a few months time, and you weren't clear in how long this has been going on but dont take any chances in terms of ever seeing him again.
I would be preaching to the choir if I told you this was stressful... but right now you are in fight mode. Be sure to take care of yourself and remember that after this is all over and you are able to let your guard down, you may experience symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress which may require a psychiatric eval.
Good Luck, and stay in touch.
Dr. Archer
I'm in love and confused...
Dear Dr. Archer,
There is a girl whom I love very much. I professed my love to her a while back and she was absolutely stunned by the news. We were just friends before that, and it came as a complete shock to her.
From that moment on, we met often and we became very close, both emotionally and physically. However, she never wanted to commit becauseshe said she was "not into relationships". Despite that, I was always there for her, cheering her up, listening to her, doing romantic things for her and basically being a pillar of strength for her.
One of my best friends knows her well, too. They were good friends, even before we met. Recently they both told me that their friendship was in "greyness." She says she feels really close to both of us, except she feels a different kind of closeness which she finds difficult to explain. She is not physical with him in any way. She is confused. I have put my heart and soul into caring and being there for this girl.
The three of us have decided that since this is such an academically important year, it would be best if we all went our own paths for the time being. He is one of my best friends anyway. However, I feel that the emotional baggage is not worth it. What should I do? I know she likes me very much and needs me. Am I supposed to wait? Should we just be friends and wait until our finals and school is over in 5 months?
Confused
Hi Confused.
You have every right to be confused. The only thing certain here is that the girl you love has told you upfront that she is "not into relationships". So, Confused, that means you, as well.
Never make anyone a priority when, to them, you are but an option. At this point you should just be friends. Make it your goal to focus on school, exams and yourself. Time has a magical way of sorting out uncertainties such as this. I suspect that 5 months from now everything will be much clearer to you.
The biggest mistake you could make now would be to force the issue. No doubt you will all have to make some decisions at some point down the road, but there is no rush.
Dr. Archer
Am I the one he finally kills...
Dear Dr. Archer:
I read your blog post about Drew Peterson, and I thought it was a sign for me to contact you. I am a 24 year old single mother who has been dating a man 23 years my senior for about 8 months. He has been married three times, and although none of his ex's are dead, they all hate him. They have called me with catty messages about how I am going to be the one that he finally kills.
He was such a gentleman when I met him. He took me to nice dinners, sent flowers to my work, took my son to ball games, etc. About a month into our relationship, he started accusing me of sleeping with my friends, both men and women! I told him I would never cheat on him! So, I stopped seeing my friends; my family was next.
Now, I live isolated and alone. He will get angry if I say hello to someone in a store. He now totally ignores my son. He has hit me a few times, but usually it's if I talk back, so perhaps I asked for it. I'm not sure.
He seems to want to control my life, and things are starting to get more violent. He has me so confused. I really love him, and I want him to see that I'm faithful and loyal to him. However, he doesn't believe it. What do I do? My family won't talk to me anymore, and I feel like an idiot to try to talk to my friends about it. Should I call one of his ex's?
I just wish he would see that I am a good person and that I love him very much. Thank you for your help.
Annie
Hi Annie:
This is the classic pattern of the abusive partner. Its all about control, control, control! First it's verbal abuse and being able to isolate you from all your friends and family. Next, its emotional abuse, and finally, physical abuse.
Often, as in the case of OJ Simpson or Drew Peterson, murder can be the end result when they realize that they may be losing you. Statistics show that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she decides to leave. Too often, the man will stop at nothing to make sure that that does not happen. Please understand this Annie. No one EVER deserves to be hit. No matter what you may have said, you didn't ask to be hit. And no provocation or taunting you may have thought you did, justifies your being hit. Love is not pain and misery, but rather gentleness and understanding.
You must understand that he has beaten your self esteem down to the point where you feel you cant make it alone. That was his objective all along. But you can, and you will be much better off without him.
I am really worried about you; you need to get out of this now. Start by reconnecting with family and friends. Be open to them and tell them you need help and that you want to leave. Apologize for leaving them out of your life. Talk to your local women's shelter if you need a place to go, then make a plan and leave! Good luck Annie.
Dr. Archer
My boyfriend's parents are mean...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a boyfriend who is seventeen that I have been with for almost eleven months. I have a deep sympathy for him and his older sister, who is nineteen. I just recently found out that his mom and step-dad have withdrawn four thousand dollars out of his sister's bank account. This is money that she has earned! She needs the money to pay for her car, which has been having some problems lately. But my boyfriend and his sister have told me that more than likely, their mom and step-dad will never repay her the money.
I also feel bad for my boyfriend. His mom and step-dad have a child together who is about two or three years old. The child is spoiled, and they spend all their money on him. Meanwhile, my boyfriend doesn't have simple things like enough clothes. I've seen him wear the same thing countless times! His step-dad also is rude to him. His mother doesn't do anything about it!
At my boyfriend's home they have three garages which are capable of housing three vehicles. But three vehicles can't fit in there because his step-dad has it filled with expensive things that he never uses! That money could be used to buy clothes and other things for my boyfriend and his siblings. My boyfriend doesn't even have a driver's license!
I don't know what to do and I'm tired of witnessing this for almost a year, watching his parents do this to him and his siblings!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It's nice to see someone so young have sympathy for their friends, and a strong sense of right and wrong. Unfortunately, you are in no position to do anything for your boyfriend and his sister except to be supportive and let them know you understand. He is at the age where, if the situation bothers him he doesnt have to stay, though I would advise that he finish his schooling first. In addition he could get a part-time job to buy new things that he really wants.
Even though it sounds like they are hard on their older children, they seem to have raised good teenagers; the sister worked enough to save a lot of money. That's commendable, but now it is up to her to protect that money as well. At 19, she needs to open her own account, her parents are no longer legally allowed that money.
Parenting doesn't come with an owners manual, and often, adults are just as superficial and selfish as children. All you can do is learn from this situation, and remember it when you are an adult.
I can promise you that parents that treat their children this way are eventually paid back when their grown children feel no need to help them at all. A rule of thumb: treat your kids exactly the same way you want them to treat you when they are adults. Best of Luck.
Dr. Archer
The sight of the naked female is distressing to me
Dear Dr. Archer,
I live in the UK. The sight of the naked female is greatly distressing to me. It has been since I was the age of twelve, when a neighbor's daughter decided to enlighten me to the female anatomy. Actually, I feel alienated from the naked female, generally.
The naked male, however, I find intensely erotic. Does that make me gay? Did that earlier traumatic childhood experience influence how I feel today?
I deliberately avoid becoming too intimate with any marriage-minded females, much to their disappointment. It's not only a disappointment to female acquaintances, but this was also a significant problem for my late mother, because I am an only child.
This problem has practically determined my adult life. I still do not feel at ease in the company of females, including paradoxically my female cousins.
Finally, I would like to add that whether it is the sight of the naked female or the naked male, I have an inexplicable terrible sense of loss.
Gordon
Hi Gordon,
Just because you find naked women distressing and naked men erotic does not make you gay. But that question would be a good place to start your self analysis. There is a rating system that looks at sexuality based on a 1 to 7 scale with respect to actual life and fantasy life. For example, a pure heterosexual male who only had sex with women and only fantasized about sex with women would rate a reality-1 and a fantasy-1. A pure homosexual would rank a 7/7.
This scale is helpful in cases where an individual is unsure of their own sexuality. In those cases the fantasy ranking may hold the key. You should put some thought into this scale and determine where you fit.
So first, understand that seeing a naked girl when you were 12 in no way, shape or form determined your current sexuality. However, you sound miserable in your current condition and you need to sort this out. I recommend going to see a therapist expressly to determine and become comfortable with this aspect of who you are. Once you get that sorted out I believe everything will be so much easier for you, Gordon. Life is too short to fight against who we are. Start work on this immediately.
Dr. Archer
She keeps calling and hanging up...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a lady friend whom I'll call Jo that I have known for about 16 years. When we first met, Jo's sister told me that she was very interested in me and insisted that I give her sister a call.
Eventually I called her. Jo has always been a very anxious person--very prone to being easily upset and very, very private with her feelings. There has always been a very close friendship bordering on romance that she and I have both acknowledged. Up to this day, there has never been a sexual relationship between us. We each went our own way several years ago.
We got reacquainted in the last couple of years and we exchanged phone numbers. She changed her cell phone number without letting me know recently, and when we met at a local store, (we live in a small community), I asked her for her new number. She told me, "later, I'm not ready for that yet."Keep in mind there has never been an argument between us, either.
After that day, I keep on getting "withheld number" phone calls on my phone at least once a week. My phone rings once and then hangs up--no message.
Whenever I ask her about it, she appears very nervous and denies that she calls me. However, I get these mysterious calls during her days off, or during hours that I know she is not working. Also, only close family members know my phone number since I don't normally give it out.
These actions are reminiscent to something Jo would have done in her younger years. Are these signs that she has repressed feelings towards me that she may be afraid to acknowledge to me, (and herself)? What should I make of this behavior?
By the way, Dr. Archer., I was a nursing student doing my psychiatric rotation back in 1994. I remember you well and am happy to see that your expertise has reached national recognition. Thank you for taking the time to help so many people with their plights! Thank you.
TH
Hi TH,
There is no way to know exactly what's going on here but, let's analyze this. First she wouldn't give you her number and told you she wasn't ready for that. Ready for what? If you never had anything more than a friendship, then this makes no sense. She's implying that if she gave you the number then things would progress to more than friendship.
Next, you know she still has your number and strongly suspect she's calling you and hanging up? OK, TH, here's the deal. She probably is calling you and refusing to give you her number. Which spells G-A-M-E and she's playing it.
Now you have to decide if you want to play. If you've known her for 16 years, then I have to assume you're both in your mid thirties. Tell me TH, do you really want to be playing these types of games at this age?
I'm assuming you're interested in her or you would not have sent me this question. My first recommendation would be to walk away. If, however, you want to pursue it then here's what you must do. Wait until the next time you see her and tell her you would like to plan a time for coffee and have a chat. Tell her it's important. If she refuses then tell her on the spot what you think is going on and that you no longer want to play that game. If she accepts then tell her the same thing except over coffee.
You need to get everything out in the open and then you can both decide where to go from here. To repeat though, TH, my first advice is to leave this alone and move on. Thank you for the nice compliment. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I want to be great and famous one day...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a girl who had a lot of dreams. I have always been an excellent student, making good grades and involved in extra curricular activities. I have always tried to make my parents proud of me. After high school, I wanted to study abroad. My parents provided the funds for me. However, after the first year, I realized I was in the wrong university. I felt guilty wasting my parents' money, and decided I was the only one who could make this right.
I transferred to another university and my year was not a total loss. However, my life has become hell. I have lost all my self confidence, my grades are low, and I feel like I am at such a disadvantage.
Secondly, I have developed a crush on a boy. It has gotten to the point that it is distracting me from my studies. I'm always waiting for him to call. I can't seem to concentrate to study. I know he doesn't hold any such feeling for me. But I can't stop thinking about him, anyway.
I don't want to receive low grades again. It is not what I deserve and I can't betray my parents. They have given me all that they have. I have to live up to not only their expectations, but my own as well. I want to be great and famous one day. Please tell me , how can I recover?
Shia
Dear Shia,
Thank you for taking the time to send me your story. I hear from college students from time to time. Those with the most anxiety have stories similar to yours. You were an excellent student in high school, and found that college was not at all what you expected. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle, and fortunately, there are many things you can do to make your life everything you want it to be.
First, you must realize that you are living your life backwards. You can't just decide that you want to be great and famous with no idea how you're going to accomplish that goal. In addition, you are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Changing schools in the middle of the year and falling for a guy that is not into you are just two examples that you don't know what you want.
So, Shia, first you need to decide what you want to do with your life right now. You must find your passion in life, that thing that makes you the happiest, no matter the money or the fame. Take your time and do some thinking. A guidance counselor provided by the university may assist you in this process. Discuss it with your parents, as well. If you're still not sure, then perhaps taking a year off to work would help you sort things out.
No sense in going to school if you have no idea why you are going. Once you figure out what your passion is, the rest will easily fall into place. You will be amazed at how much happier you are and how much easier everything will be. Live your life in the now. That means deciding what makes you happy, healthy and productive and then throwing yourself into it 100%. Good things will follow. All the best.
Dr. Archer
My father molested his children and grandchildren...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a very angry man in my fifties. I would like to change myself so I could have pleasant thoughts, but I don't know how. I have a very bad way of expressing my anger. I speak out of rage without choosing my words in a constructive manner.
My childhood was not the best. I grew up with an agnostic father who had to have total control of everything. My father had the idea that having sexual contact with not only his children, but his grandchildren as well, was permitted. He was prosecuted for his actions, but the law only gave him a slap on the wrist. His past has ruined countless lives.
He says he found Jesus, says he's a changed man, and that his past has been forgiven. He is now in his seventies, and if you think that I believe he has changed, then you are wrong. I wouldn't trust him around any little girl or even an older girl or a woman.
Now, my mother is calling my house wanting to talk to me about him but I don't want to talk to her. I know that there is a God and that there is a payday one day. However, I have no respect for my father. Sometimes I have pity for him, like when my brother passed away. I feel like a hypocrite when I tell him that I love him. I don't want to remain an angry person.
I am afraid I will turn out to be like him; not the immoral part but that angry hateful part. I think you have to be careful of those you hate because you will become like them. I am very depressed, and have bad thoughts all the time. That's a conflict with me because of my religious beliefs.
Does my childhood upbringing give me the right to blame someone for the way I am today? Is there some type of pill out there that can help me? I sincerely need to help. Thank you.
Demetrius
Hi Demetrius,
You bring up several points we need to address. First, your childhood does not give you the right to blame anyone for who you are today. We all are responsible for our life, and any attempt to justify or rationalize or blame our behavior on anything other than ourselves is wrong. No doubt your traumatic childhood will always be with you, but you make the decisions now on what type of person you wish to be. You're responsible and in charge of your life. No excuses allowed.
Next, your father has been tried and convicted and punished. You may think it was a slap on the wrist but it's not up to you to decide. That's why we have a legal system. You have to let that go. Then you need to have a talk with him. You need to tell him everything you've just put in this letter. The hate you feel, that he has ruined countless lives, that you will never trust him with young children. You don't need to be hypocritical anymore, you need to be honest. You also need to let him speak and talk about his new found religion. You can decide whether to believe him or not, but you have to hear it first.
Then, after the talk, you need to forgive him, Demetrius. Not for him but for you. This is why you are so angry all the time. Your hate for him is making you a hateful man. I'm not saying you have to like him or respect him or love him, but you do have to forgive him. Also, you should never lie to him again. If you don't love him then don't say it. Only honesty from you for now on.
Finally, as to your depression, you could have a chemical imbalance of the brain. After all you've been through, it wouldn't hurt for you to have an evaluation by a psychiatrist just to make sure there isn't the need for meds. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I have an enormous load of responsibility...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My name is Leslie, and I spoke to you a few weeks ago on the Catherine Hickland Radio Show. It was really nice talking to you and I appreciated your advice. I spoke with you about the problem I have been having sleeping, but there is so much more I feel I need to discuss with you.
It's not just about the sleepless nights; it's about everything that's been happening in my life. As a single mother trying my best to take care of my children, I feel like such a failure. I have tried so hard to do the best I can, but it seems like the more I try, the more I fail.
My story is so long, but I'm going to try to give you the short version. It started about nine years ago when I lost my beloved grandmother. A few months later, my mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I was raising two children on my own and was attending college, all while working part time to take care of my family.
After my mom's surgery, I had an enormous load of responsibility. Paying bills and transporting my mom to make sure she received her medical treatments were a constant part of my daily life. She went through months of chemotherapy and radiation. I lost all the money I had saved for my children and myself so we can get a decent place to live. Instead, the money went towards my mom's health care. I know it's been years, but I still have not been able to get my feet on the ground. We live paycheck to paycheck and it's really frustrating.
When my mom realized she had cancer, my children and I moved in with her so that I could take care of her. We are still living with my mom, as well as my uncle, in a studio apartment which is just one big room. It is infested with roaches and mice. I have been trying to get a place of my own, but the rent for a three bedroom apartment is so high I just can't afford.
Dr. Archer, I really need someone to talk to, but I just can't afford to pay for much of anything lately. I hope to hear you on the show again soon.
Leslie
Hi Leslie,
First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for doing the best you can. We can't control the cards we're dealt in life...just the way we play the hand. Please remember that none of what you've outlined in your letter is your fault. In addition, your problems are mainly financial in nature so I'm not sure that a psychiatrist is what you need. I remember you from the show and hopefully you've seen some one to address your sleep problem.
I can understand why you could be losing sleep over your situation. So many adults in this country are now taking care of sick and ailing parents. It is a tremendous financial burden, not to mention an emotional one! As a psychiatrist, I can talk to you about dealing with the stress, but I think I have a better idea.
You should not have to bear the brunt of the financial burden of helping your mother. If you are doing the caregiving, often medicare or other aid will pay YOU as a nursing assistant. It's worth asking about. While you are doing some research, does your mother receive disability or Social Security? Have you applied for assistance for food, childcare, or housing? Have you written a letter to your congressmen? There is an entire social network available that provides healthcare, counseling, and help for patients with cancer. Start with a call to your United Way and see if they can guide you in the right direction.
Please know that I am proud of the work you have done and your commitment to your family. I sincerely wish you the best.
Dr. Archer
I am dealing with a psycho-stalker...
Dr. Archer,
A girl who went to college with me in the Midwest somehow got my screen name on AIM and began to talk to me. It involved her telling me someone told her I was going to kill her! I was extremely perturbed and I tried to alleviate any concern she might have had, as well as find out who told her this story.
I told her to call me, naively thinking it was a joke someone was playing on us. That's when the calls started. At one point she threatened to tell police I had raped her. It just so happened that at that moment there was an officer next to me, taking a report on her when she sent that message. He called her and told her to immediately stop contacting me.
Gradually things got really ugly. She would follow me, harass me and threaten me, day and night. When I would turn my phone off she would call my friends and family, effectively barring me from canceling my number. I got a restraining order but it did not stop the intimidation. After court, I had detectives escort me to my vehicle, and the psycho was already outside, waiting for me to go to my car.
I went through such severe emotional stress, guilt, remorse, anger, pain. I never pressed charges against her, but sometimes wish I had. I was afraid, however, that if she had time to sit in a jail cell, she'd have plenty of time to plot on making my life hell when she was released. It just furthered my decision to move away and not charge her.
Will she ever stop? I still have nightmares every once in a while where she is trying to kill me, or her asking me to kill her. Things have been relatively quiet for about two months now. I have a feeling that she is going to pop up somewhere and mess up my life again when I least suspect it. How do I erase that chaotic time in my life from my mind? Thanks.
Frustrated
Hi Frustrated,
First a few facts. Most stalkers that are reported to the legal system are men. This is thought to be a skewed statistic, however; many men are proud to have a stalker, brag about it and aren't physically afraid. There are two general categories of stalkers: Those that know their victims and those that don't.
Typically those who don't know their victims tend to be mentally ill, usually psychotic and their focus is usually on celebrities. These tend to have more potential for criminal prosecution. In your case, this girl knows you and this makes it tougher in a legal sense to get much help, as you've seen.
I've dealt with both stalkers and stalker victims in my practice, and your case is only a moderately bad example (though I know for you it's horrible). Restraining orders are seldom helpful when the stalker in question is not violent or physically threatening.
The most extreme example of a case I've treated was a woman who was stalked by her Ex, and she was literally in fear for her life. She ended up changing her name, moving to a new state, getting a new job in an unrelated field, etc. In short she became a new person and told only her closest and most trusted friends and family. The last I heard from her she was doing great, very happy and stalker free.
The question for you, Frustrated, is how far do you wish to go to get her out of your life? Perhaps simply putting a block on your phone and email would be enough? Maybe your family could do the same? Or maybe you want to go the whole way and change your name/identity?
The good news is that most cases I've been involved with eventually wind down over time. It's been 2 months for you and maybe the worst is over. I do sympathize with your plight. Unless you've actually been subjected to a stalker situation, no one can imagine how stressful and upsetting this is. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My mother-in-law is my employee...
Dear Dr. Archer:
Several years ago, I hired my mother-in-law at my place of employment. I am in the position of being her supervisor. Things started off alright, but I always felt responsible for her. When she was neglectful in her duties, I would try to shield her and make excuses for her. The few times I actually performed my responsibilities and corrected her, she would retaliate and say things that would be very hurtful to me. I became so cautious of her feelings that I would stress myself as to how to make her happy.
Meanwhile other co-workers became very agitated with me. They realized I was bending over backwards for my mother-in-law, and she seemed to always get her way.
Well, I finally had had enough. I decided not to put up with her abuse and lack of regard for my feelings. I also decided that I was not going to allow her to control or manipulate me anymore. But now she not only doesn't talk to me, she makes me out to my husband's family to be the bad guy picking on her. I hate that I am in this situation but I don't know how to resolve it. If it wasn't for me she would be unemployed. I don't really know what to do and honestly, she has zapped my energy.
Please tell me how I can handle this situation properly.
Sharon
Hi Sharon,
I am assuming your company doesn't have an EAP (Employee Assistance plan) in place, or a Human Resources guide on how to handle this type of situation. If so, I'm sure you would have already followed company policy. So here's what you need to do, Sharon. First, you must tell your husband exactly what's happening at work. Inform him of the fact that if his mothers performance doesn't improve, she will lose her job. He needs to understand the problem and that you are counting on his support, as well as his family's support.
Next, you need to review your mother-in-law's job description thoroughly. Make a list of her duties and the expected performance in meeting your company's standards, and be sure to provide her with her own copy.
Next set a meeting and review her past performance with respect to these standards. Be sure to include the good along with the bad. Give concrete examples from your list on what needs improvement. Tell her you will be monitoring her and that you expect her to improve immediately. Have this meeting with her at work and explain exactly what the deal is in a calm and professional tone.
Try to finish the meeting on a good note by giving examples of what she does well. Tell her the two of you will meet again in two weeks to review how things are progressing. Have all of this documented in writing and have her sign the paperwork acknowledging what you have discussed.
After that it's up to her to show improvement. If she doesn't, make sure to document the shortfalls in writing in order to review with her in two weeks. Explain that if there is no improvement by then that you will be reporting this to your boss and that her job will be in jeopardy. Good luck, Sharon.
Dr. Archer
My husband is a porn addict...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I met my husband in 1986. We lost touch for 16 years, found each other again and recently got married in 2006. Before we got married, I was living in California getting over a nasty divorce. He was living in Florida at the time, and wouldn't move to California to live with me. I had to give up a very good business opportunity, and moved to live with him in Florida.
Before we got married, I found in his closet while spring cleaning , plenty of women's clothing, shoes, wigs, silicon breasts...the works. It never occurred to me that it was his. I really thought it was left behind by his ex-wife. He eventually told me the truth, and said it was his. I couldn't get married to him, unless he gave it up. He did.
Months later, married, I found thousands of porno DVD's, with a new one coming in the mail every 2 or 3 days. He had an obsession with this, to the point that he had an excel list to keep track of all his DVD positions: alphabetical order, what kind of movie, own or rented, copy or original,single women, lesbians...etc. Again, I couldn't live with that!
After a little while, I got him to get rid of it, and he promised he was going to stop. So little by little he stopped, or so he says.
Things got better. I started my own business, and started to do very well for myself and my 4 kids, whom I left behind with their dad while I got established. He was then offered a better paying job in Puerto Rico. I agreed to move, if he would take care of me and my kids while I got a job, and started over. When I got here, there were no jobs, no good life, and now we are starting construction on our house, so he can't help me with my kids' expenses. I am taking care of all of the construction details, and I am keeping very busy, but without pay.
My kids' birthdays come along, and he complains that I take money to send to them. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. Right now, I thought all my big problems were over, and that all I had to do was find a job to help my ex with the kids' expenses. Of course, I also had to pay for my debts which I left behind because I was assured that I would be taken cared of here in Puerto Rico. As it turns out, two nights ago I walked in his computer room, and he behaved like he did before when he was watching porn. He was nervous, tried to keep me out of the room, got up from his chair and greeted me like he was guilty of something. Something felt very wrong.
The next morning, I got up. I had the feeling that I needed to check his computer. I did, and I found a Pandora's Box. Sight after sight in a very thought-out list. All I had to do was click, and more and more came out. The worst of the worst and more, sick stuff you can't even imagine.
I got so angry at him, that I went and woke him up. I confronted him; he said that was there from 2 years ago, since his computer was in storage and that he had just forgotten about it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and told him that if he did not erase it all, I was going to leave. So again, he erased everything. An hour later, something told me to check the computer again, which I did. I still found on his desktop a startup program, full of desktop strippers. I am out of energy for this. I am so fed up; I feel I was made a fool, degraded, confused, offended, cheated, trapped, sad, quiet, untrusting and very angry.
I gave up so much for him, including my kids, whom I will not bring to live here in this horrible place with a man that cares nothing for them. I could be putting them in mortal danger. I am afraid for my 2 beautiful girls, and for my 2 boys. I feel so trapped. My head tells me I have to leave him to save myself. My heart doesn't want to give up. I am afraid of what people will say and think of me if I get yet another divorce. And I have no place to go back to. I spent my last 3 years living for him.
We fight all the time, he constantly complains about everything. He criticizes everything I do all the time. He is never satisfied with my food, or anything I do with love for him. He says he's happy, except when I make him mad (often enough). I am holding a grudge and I am having a hard time even looking at him. I am not myself anymore and have learned to talk back, defend myself, saying things that I would never have said to someone I loved before. I don't like myself anymore.
Dr. Archer I really need your help. I need to understand what is going on.
Scarlet
Hi Scarlet,
Let's analyze this together. You gave up your kids, your job/career, your home and your country. You feel like a fool, degraded, confused, offended, cheated, trapped, sad, untrusting, angry and you don't like yourself anymore. Your are married and living with a man you don't trust, don't like, fight with constantly and who criticizes everything you do. And you want me to help you understand what's going on?
Scarlet, you know exactly what's going on here and you know exactly what needs to be done. How can this relationship be worth everything you're going through? Don't even think to use the excuse, "but I love him"! How can this be love? This is everything a relationship is not supposed to be. Normally I would advise having a talk and giving a second chance but you've already done that and your trust was violated again and again.
So, Scarlet, you must leave this man now. Go back home, get a new job, reconnect with your family and friends and take care of your children. I don't care how many times you've been married or what others will think about another divorce. We all make mistakes and when we do we must own them, learn from them and most importantly correct them.
Deep inside you know all this I have told you already. I just hope by spelling it out for you that you will gather the strength to act now. Remember the only thing worse than being in an awful relationship for 3 years is to be in one for 3 years and a day. Plan immediately and leave as soon as possible.
Dr. Archer
My best friend dumped me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I was very close to a dear girlfriend for several years. I helped her through many bad times: when she didn't have a job, a breakup with a partner, when she hated her new job and the people she worked with, the time she gave up a beautiful home because she had cheated on her partner.
I was always there to listen, for her to have a shoulder to cry on. I even brought her groceries when she was sick from depression. I think the world of this friend and I still do. She met a new partner and that new person was very jealous and insecure. After taking them out for her birthday for a nice time with cake and a gift, my friend did not talk to me for two years! We never had a fight or a disagreement; the friendship and the time we spent together just ended. She even cancelled out on Christmas lunch, leaving me with Christmas gifts, not acknowledging I still had them to return.
Finally, two years later, after many emails from me I sent an email saying "how are you, I am not the devil, please talk to me", I receive, "I hope you are well." My friend has difficulty with the people in my life. Not to hear from her again for a very long time was difficult. I had heard she was not happy through friends and I knew she would not normally ignore me, so I kept in touch with many kind words and advice. Maybe I even showed tough love.
After a long period of time I received round about word not to contact her again. She says I am saying inappropriate things. All of our friends know about us and our friendship. I am the softest person in the world, especially to my friends. I finally got up enough nerve to call her recently and she told me to relax, calm down, take a deep breath and that everything would be alright. She said, "I will tell you everything. I will email you tonight. We are still friends."
I heard her get choked up but not the usual, warm, "so happy you called, so happy to hear your voice," like all those years. That night I receive an email about how I am a beautiful person, and that I was such a good friend to her, and that she is sorry if she hurt me.
I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT. I don't know if she was brainwashed, or am I just stupid. She also mentioned that she wanted to move away from her past. Has she turned on me? I am very naive and such a forgive-and-forget person. I miss my friend with all my heart. Is she messed up from this relationship, which I believe might be over, or am I stupid...
Arlene
Hi Arlene,
Your friend's behavior is the perfect example of actions speak louder than words. Her actions are telling you all you need to know. Your friend has decided to sever contact with you. It could be for a number of reasons; such as a demanding partner, she has more important friends or perhaps you were never really that important to her to begin with. We just don't know. It is impossible to be a mind reader, especially for someone you haven't spoken with in two years.
It is time for you to let go. You can begin by letting her know how you feel--that you were hurt by her neglect, that is not how friends treat each other and how much you cared. And then, Arlene, you must tell her the friendship is over and stop thinking about her.
Remember this: Never make someone a priority when you are merely an option to them. Wish her the best, and then get busy living your own life and move on.
Dr. Archer
My ex-lover knowingly infected me with HIV...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Recently I found out that I am HIV positive. Since my diagnosis I have learned everything I can about the disease. I am a strong believer in HIV patient's rights to privacy and have learned from personal experience how important this right is.
After my diagnosis I learned that the person who infected me knew he was infected and had never told me. I also learned that there were other women saying the same thing about this guy. When I heard about this I wasn't sure what to do. I have broken off contact with him but struggle with what to do now. I am riddled with guilt over the decision of whether to have him arrested. I am mixed up about the importance of his confidentiality as opposed to the threat he may be to other women.
I sometimes find myself thinking that maybe I can trust him when he says that he will never do this again. I wonder if he has been punished enough with the diagnosis he shares with me. I am just so mixed up and angry with myself that I could have an ounce of sympathy for this jerk. I feel the pain of being infected with this disease and that makes me question my responsibility here.
Is this normal for me to have all this compassion for him? Don't get me wrong, I feel so much contempt and hate for this man that its hard to express in words. Still, I have moments where I just don't know what is the right thing to do or the right way to feel. Can you help me sort this out?
Regina
Hi Regina,
This is indeed a terrible situation. But, it is what it is, so let's try to see how you can best deal with the aftermath. First you absolutely must report this guy to the police! He knowingly had unprotected sex with you and other woman. You know you are HIV positive, but how many others are out there who are either also positive (and dont know it) or are about to be exposed?
This is a crime and he lost all right to his confidentiality when he infected you without even a warning. Please report him immediately, if not for yourself then for all the other potential victims. But be aware that many activists in the HIV community will try to block you from doing this as they mistakenly believe that the confidentiality should come first with no regard for any future contacts he may infect.
Next, no it is not normal for you to have compassion for him, most would not. However it is understandable because you both have the same illness and share a bond because of that and the stigma that goes along with this disease. However, in reality you are worlds apart: You are a victim and he is a perpetrator who deserves to be tried and if found guilty, punished.
But, Regina, with all that being said you must also eventually forgive him. Not for him, but for you, otherwise it will affect you negatively for the rest of your life. You have things to do in your life and holding a grudge against him is not healthy. So, forgive, but never forget and let the legal system dish out his punishment. You must get to the point where you feel nothing for him and forgiveness allows you to do that and to move on with your own life which, with todays HIV treatments, should be long and hopefully good. You will be surprised what a weight is removed from your shoulders once you are able to forgive. Take care Regina.
Dr. Archer
I feel useless with my life...
Hi Dr. Archer,
I have just finished a 2 year college and I am now waiting to be accepted into a university. This is my second try to get into a prestigious university. I know my grades are not that good, so my first try was a failure. I decided to enroll in some foundation courses in life science and apply again using my college qualifications.
I have read blogs about people stating that they have already received their acceptance letters from the universities where they have applied. I am very worried and anxious, wondering why I have not received any letters myself, or at least a phone call. Sometimes thinking of this makes me feel like a loser.
I have given my very best efforts to acquire what I most wanted to achieve. My passion lies in the sciences and I would be so very happy if I would receive an admission letter from a university to which I applied. As I keep thinking of this, I fear that I might get rejected again. I feel useless with my life since I have no other way to really further my studies. Please help me and advise me on what to do. Thanks.
Rita
Hi Rita,
You are making the common mistake of confusing what you do with who you are.
First of all, I note this is your second time to try to get into a "prestigious University" and also that your grades are not good. What you just realize, Rita, is that there are thousands of universities to choose from and in your situation I recommend that you make a more realistic selection. Lower your standards on the prestige of the school and just get accepted.
Once you complete your degree and get a job it will be about your performance--not about where you got your degree. I will also point out that going to college/university is not for everyone. For example, Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard to start Microsoft. Many extremely successful folks only have a high school degree and there are various trade schools available where you can learn a skill related to the sciences. So, Rita, there is no doubt that you can find a university to get into.
The question you must ask yourself is: Is this really where I want my life to go? You need to do some serious introspection to decide if you're making your choice due to peer/family pressure or if this is really what you want. Remember that most people don't get what they want out of life because most people don't know what they want. Take the time to think this through.
Dr. Archer
My boyfriend calls me stupid, idiot, moron...
Dear Dr. Archer,
You helped me with a problem a while back and I appreciate it. Now I want to tell you about another problem I have.
It's my boyfriend. He always calls me stupid, idiot, moron. Now he doesn't work, but I am okay with that, to a point. I mean, he doesn't ever want to work, but I can't blame him. I don't either. I would love to be able to just be me and dress how I want and wear all of my body jewlery, but I choose to work to support us. I get upset about it sometimes, but I get over it.
However, he doesn't do any house work. I do it all. I do all of the cooking, clothes washing, animal feeding, grocery shopping, etc. I even do some of my own auto work. It does get a little overwhelming but I still love him. I get up at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning to fix him chocolate milk when he wakes me up for it, even though I have to get up at 4:30 to go to work. I have to rub his back for an hour every night or he'll throw a fit. If I refuse to rub his back, he will not let me go to sleep. If he isn't tired he won't turn down the TV, and even turns on more lights in our bedroom. If I complain about the noise and lights, he tells me to go into the living room. I really don't know what to do. Thank you.
Mindy
Hi Mindy,
Look at what you are saying here? You do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, rub his back, cater to his every need AND work to support him while he does nothing? Mindy is this the type of boyfriend you want? How can you love someone who is clearly using you for everything? If I had a dollar for every time I heard a patient justify their foolish actions by saying, "but I love him/her" I would be a Wall street CEO!
This is not love. Love is about mutual care and respect and help. Also you are letting him get away with this! Understand, this is your issue, not his. If we allow anyone to walk on us like that then we are giving tacit permission for this to occur forever and you will be taken advantage of over and over again.
OK, Mindy, what to do. You must immediately have a talk and give an ultimatum. You can look at my video under the "See Dr. Archer" tab to hear my opinion on giving an ultimatum. I typically advise people to not use them, but this is an exception. If you are working then he must do the housework, shopping etc....If he wants to get a job then you can split up the chores. But you must be clear that you are NOT willing to live like this any longer and that he either will contribute or you will leave- period. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I want the girl I married back...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My problem is not an imbalance of anything.
First, a girl is born. Second, she becomes a young girl. Third, she meets a young man, and they date. Now she becomes a girlfriend. Then she becomes a wife. She is a good wife. He is a good husband. This wife takes good care of her husband. This husband takes good care of his wife.
Then, she becomes a mother. She is no longer a wife. She only sees the children. She no longer takes care of her husband, boyfriend, lover. He wants his wife back. But she is not there. There is an imbalance. She asks for a divorce.
This is year 24 into their marriage. He says WHAT? Now, Dr. Archer, what is the imbalance? I desperately want the girl I married back...
Kurt.
Hi Kurt,
Yes, Kurt, it is an imbalance......an imbalance of not understanding the difference between past present and future. An imbalance for not recognizing change. We can't turn back the hands of time and end up like we were 5, 10 or 20 years ago. Just as you can't have the girl you married back, you are no longer the boy she married, either. We all grow, mature and, (hopefully), become older and wiser with the years. The key to a happy, successful marriage is to recognize these changes and accept the growth/change in both yourself and your partner. In order to do this you must talk, talk, talk about all of it!
So Kurt, you tell her, "let's talk". I'm sure for every complaint you have about your wife not being the girl you married, she has one about you. We all need to recognize that life is change. If you want to save your marriage you must realize this and act now. First, both of you need to have a desire to try to rescue the marriage. If you do have this, a therapist could be very helpful in the two of you reconnecting to each other once again. The possibility here is that not only could the marriage be salvaged, but it could become stronger than ever. But realize this: No matter what, it will never be the same as it was 24 years ago. Good luck Kurt.
Dr. Archer
My boyfriend dresses up in my clothes and makeup...
Dear Dr. Archer:
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 years, and during this time we have been very open and honest with each other, which is wonderful. He likes to wear my clothes and women's clothing in general. Panty hose, dresses, etc... even makeup.
I don't really understand why he does this. I still love him and accept him for who he is, but it really bothers me sometimes, because I feel like I should be the girl, I am the one who is supposed to look pretty and he should be admiring my cute outfit instead of his own.
As open as we are with each other, I have confronted him (this was in the beginning) and asked him if he had feelings for men and that it was okay if he did. He said no; I just like to be pretty like you. Otherwise he does all the normal typical guy things, sports, buddies and all that.
We don't have sex that much either. I think it's going on two months now. But sex has never really been a big thing between us. We are a talking couple and we love being around each other. However, I find it hard to deal with or understand why he does that and sometimes feel disgusted by it. Can you advise me how to deal with this or understand him better?
Mandy
Hi Mandy,
First some details on cross dressing: most psychiatrists do not consider this a psychological disorder unless it interferes with how one chooses to live their life. For example, if a man wanted to go to work dressed as a woman, the consequences could be problematic. Because you gave him the freedom to dress this way, there was no consequence from you.
Interestingly, there is no strong evidence that cross dressers are more likely to be homosexual. Most cross dressers are very discreet and many are married/in a relationship and like to share their dressing up with their partners. Problems usually occur, as in this case, when the partner is resentful.
Mandy, I cant advise you on how to understand your boyfriend better because thats really not the issue here. What he does is not a psychiatric problem. True it may be different and weird and eccentric but if he doesnt want to change then you certainly cant make him. What you need to focus on is understanding yourself.
You are the one who has chosen to stay in this relationship for 6 years. There must be a reason. Why have you put up with this for so long to suddenly feel disgusted? The key is making a choice. Do you want to keep the relationship as-is or do you no longer feel comfortable with this behavior and do you now want to set some limits?
Only when YOU make a choice can you then go to your partner and tell him how you feel. At that point he may have to make a choice of his own. We cant control the actions of others. All we can do is let them know how we feel and then chose whether or not to associate with them.
Dr. Archer
My wife is disappearing at night...
Dear Dr. Archer:
I was married in 1999. My wife is 12 years younger than myself. I come from a good family with no abuse or other psychiatric issues. My wife was fostered; her father was imprisoned and suffered both mental and physical abuse. We have a 9 year old son together.
Here is my story: Two to three years into my marriage, things started changing from what I thought was a trusting relationship into a nightmare. We went to counseling, but issues of money and control were not resolved, but rather amped up. She felt that I was trying to control her by attempting to be prudent on money matters.
After the 9/11 terrorist attacks, my business suffered and my salary was cut in half. My wife went to school for nursing and I supported all of her efforts. I was able to take my son, Ben, with me to my job. I spent an incrediable amount of time with him, which was a blessing. So when Ben was around 3, she started leaving the house often. I found out who she was going to see. One of her patients had a younger son, and they were spending time together. One night I heard a cell phone message with his voice, proclaiming his love for her. I was devastated. She claimed that he was drunk when he left the message, and that there was absolutely nothing to it. I think she made him call me the next day and proclaim this. I didn't buy it.
She then started disappearing at night, staying away from home, either at a bar or some other place. Also, during this time, she got pregnant but did not tell me. She said later that she was afraid I would use it against her. At the time, we were not having sexual relations. She said she had a miscarriage.
Now she is with a former worker, and the same things are happening all over again. She recently confessed to me that she was raped by a recent boyfriend. There is so much more to tell, but I would like your thoughts.
CH
Hi CH,
I really don't know what advice you want to hear at this point so I'll state the obvious. You must get out with your son and file for divorce- NOW! Your wife has had multiple boyfriends, one of whom raped her and one of whom got her pregnant. She doesn't come home and then lies to cover it all up. What type of relationship is this? Is this the type of woman you want and deserve as a wife? What about your son? Does he deserve this from his mother?
So, CH, contact a family law specialist immediately and take their advice about what needs to be done to get you out of this. This is way past the stage of being about money and power and you've tried psychotherapy together. Now, perhaps your wife needs psychiatric help--I can't say. But what I do know is that you'll never be able to trust her again and it's time to protect yourself and your son before something bad happens. Don't delay; contact a lawyer immediately. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My boyfriend cheated on me and lied repeatedly
Dr. Archer,My last boyfriend and I dated and lived together for over one year. We spent all of our time together and got along perfectly. We both referred to our relationship as "fitting like a glove." However, I found out he cheated on me and lied multiple times. I chose to forgive him and about 2 months later he decided to move away and go to college. I have been on depression medication for about 6 months and I still have many highs and lows. I cry and find myself going to sleep as soon as I get off work. And, sometimes I call and text him a million times a day and he doesn't respond - he thinks I have gone crazy. I am a friendly and outgoing person and I have 2 professional degrees at the age of 30. Now I feel hopeless and can't seem to get over my heartache. How can I get my fun loving self back? Thanks.
Lost soul.
Hi Lost Soul,
The first step needed to recover from being lost is to realize youre lost! OK, youve done that, now what? First Im glad to hear you are on medication. However, it sounds like youre still depressed. Crying, only wanting to sleep, heartache and feeling hopeless are classic symptoms of Chemical Imbalance Depression!
So, first, you need to work with your Doc to treat your symptoms of depression by adjusting your medication. But next, and even more importantly, you have to realize that you are going through an emotional hurricane, due to the loss of a fitting like a glove" relationship. Think about this! This guy cheated on you, lied to you and then, after you confronted him did it again! Do you really deserve that?
In the end you have to decide, Lost Soul, what do you really want/need/ deserve in this life? Do you want to settle for a lying, cheating boyfriend? Yes, you love him and feel you cant live without him. Really?? Think about this: Would you prefer to be with a guy like this and accept all the lies and deceit or would it be better to live a life alone until you find a trustworthy, stable mate?
You are confusing love with sex, Lost Soul! You have to realize this and make a choice! You will get over this, but you can absolutely never, ever return to this relationship again!
Dr. Archer
My mother-in-law is ruining my marriage...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Hello from Georgia. I have been married to my husband nearly 4 years and after numerous problems with his mother, I am asking for help. It has almost gotten to a point of divorce.
When we first married, his mother was so happy. She said I was the best thing that happened to her son. She was already very protective of my husband and what mother wouldnt be after her losses (she had two children pass away). Everything changed when I became pregnant with my daughter. She and I have argued, she has come into my home and hit me and accidently hit my 8 month old daughter.
She always has my husbands other 2 children but never has time for my son or our daughter. I have always had a problem with this issue in particular. It upsets me that she does not treat all the children equally. My husband never defends me and his excuse is that he is afraid that if he upsets her in any way that she may feel like she has lost him and hurt herself and he will be to blame. I dont think this is true, I think she makes him feel this way so he will not be mean to her. We have argued over this for 3 years.
She treats me, my son and her granddaughter terribly and I am tired of it. I finally told my husband I was completely through this time; and told her to leave my children and I alone, that she could call my husband at work on his cell phone. I have not seen this woman since Sept of 08, neither have my children.
My son just recently got admitted in the hospital, his mom found out and waited to call the hospital room when she knew I wasn't there just to talk to my husband, she did not even ask about my son. When we got home she called the house and I told her I would get a restraining order if I had to because I did not want her in my life anymore.
A few days after that, she called him 12 times in 1 hour. When we got home she had called the house again. I sent her a text and told her the next time I WOULD GET A RESTRAINING ORDER. Her husband called my personal cell phone and cursed me out on my voice mail. My husband heard it and called his step father and told him and his wife to never call again, he was through with them and they were not going to treat me this way anymore!
A week or two went by and his mother changed her number and started calling him again while he was at work. Now she calls him all the time and leaves message after message begging for him to let her know how he is doing. He refuses to talk to her and she won't quit.
His ex wife doesn't help matters either. She tries to cause problems between us too. I think the two work together to try and split us up. It has just about worked.
I am so glad my husband finally stood up for me, but I also know it won't last long. I have been stress free since she's stopped calling me, but it still bothers me when my husband talks to her, because I feel like I am his wife and he should say (even though its his mother) "Mom, I love Jen and if you cant treat her and all of our kids good then we dont need to have anything to do with each other." What do you think?
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
This is a very common question and I deal with many patients that have mother in law issues. The key in this situation is for you and your husband to be on the same page and represent a team. The most important thing you can do is talk, talk, talk with your husband and make sure you two are presenting a unified front. In-law problems almost always stem from splitting the husband and wife when they take different sides in an argument, which the in-law will use to their advantage. Its ok for you two to disagree with each other when alone, but to her you must be united.
It is also important for you to take a look at what role, if any, you have played in the drama. If there have been times where you've told your husband "it's her or me!", or if you've made large arguments out of small issues, that needs to stop immediately. Do not give your in-law any leverage at all. Always be positive, giving, and loving in a way that teaches your children the way they should treat you when they are adults.
Also, give your husband positive feedback for standing up for you. Tell him how good and special this makes you feel. Tell him you respect and admire him when he protects you and your children. Every time he takes actions to protect you and your family let him know! Once your mother in law realizes that you two are together then the games she plays will no longer work and everything will be so much easier.
Dr. Archer
Is it OK for a woman to go out alone...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am a 55 year old divorced woman in great shape. I recently moved back to a medium sized town 6 months ago and don't know any single friends. I like to go out on occasion but meet the wrong type of men. I am not interested in them at all. I am looking for a professional, mature, full of life man who has a great personality.
Recently I have been thinking of going alone to upscale restaurants and perhaps a bar but wonder how this would look to others? Do people still judge women who go out alone? I would like to meet a companion or even other single females in this town but don't know where to look. I've tried online but have come to the conclusion that is not the place for me.
Are there any types of places you suggest where I could meet single girlfriends to hang with or a male as a companion to start? I am really getting bored and need to get out there and meet people. I am attractive and professional (but not working at this time) but at the same time, I am very outgoing and in my opinion a lot of fun. I wouldn't feel too self conscious going to these places alone just don't want others to get the wrong impression. What do you think?
By the way, I think you're doing an outstanding job here and congrats on this new site! Have you ever given any consideration to a forum for SERIOUS singles on this site?
Maggie
Hi Maggie,
There is absolutely no stigma attached to a woman going out alone in this day and age. However, I think you are looking for friends in all the wrong places. When moving to a new town (or moving back to an old one) the best way to meet people is through your job. Since you're not working right now, an alternative would be through organizations, hobbies, clubs and volunteer work.
I suggest you join a gym, take a leisure learning class at the local college, get involved in charity work, find clubs related to your hobbies, talk to your married friends about friends they know who are single, sign up for wine tastings or get a part time job. It's all about networking and simply going to a bar or restaurant by yourself is not the best way to do that.
You'll find as you meet one or two new friends that you will become friends with their friends and then you'll have people to go out with where you'll meet more friends. As for a forum for singles, I think the dating sites have that covered. Perhaps I'll do a blog about this and get some feedback. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I don't understand why a married straight man goes to a gay club...
Dear Dr. Archer,
If straight married men are out partying with their wives and quite regularly prompt a hop over to the gay/lesbian bar to check out the lesbo girls for reported purpose of entertainment; what is the likelihood that one or more of the men has some real interest or attraction of a serious nature?
I guess Im asking is it normal for a 40/50 yr. old married straight man, drunk or not, to suggest checking out the lesbians"? Im far from normal but Im definitely a female and I can tell you it NEVER crosses my mind to check out a female or to drag up at a lesbian bar, check it out, hangout or whatever
..NEVER. But I dont know how mens brains are wired. Since you are a man and a shrink you are the perfect person to answer the question truthfully.
Bella
Hi Bella,
First of all there is no normal here. If the guys want to go AND their wives agree then thats their business. Though I would ask this question: Why would a straight married man in his 40s- 50s repeatedly want to go to a gay/lesbian bar? The answer here is that hes interested
in either the girls OR the boys at this type of establishment. Going to a bar like this once or twice out of curiosity is one thing, going repeatedly is indicative of interest. However my advice to you Bella is to leave this alone. Dont get involved in the personal lives of husbands and wives even if one, or both, are your friends.
Dr. Archer
My parents won't let me grow up...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 22 years old, I live with my parents and have not moved out because I am still currently a full time student. I work 36 hours a week. I've been working in order to save money to move out and buy a vehicle. My parents don't ask me for money because I don't make very much, but I do try to help them when I can. My problem is my parents.
I am an adult now, but it seems like they don't understand that. It's been difficult to save money to move out because of school. Recently my mother was upset because I came home at 9pm. I ride the public bus. She told me I need to pick either school or a job, because she doesn't want me coming home "late". Is it normal that my parents give me a curfew at my age??? I don't know what to do, I can't move out because I don't make enough, because they don't allow me to get a better job, that will require me to come home later. I don't know if you can answer my question, but I don't know what to do.
My mother worries too much and tries to control my life. I feel like I will never do anything with my life because they hold me back. This is causing my depression to get worse. I hope you can give me some advice. Thank you very much.
Jackie
Hi Jackie,
First you must understand that you are an adult and therefore no one can hold you back. Many young people go to school, have a job and support themselves so you cannot have any excuses here. It's your life and you make the choices.
However, there is no doubt your parents are being unreasonable. A 9PM curfew for a 22 year old is ridiculously strict, especially considering all you do. But, it sounds like they are offering a compromise. If they say that "it's either school or a job" then it must mean that they will pay for school? In that case why not quit your job, increase your course load and graduate from school as fast as possible? Then you can move straight into a full time job and start planning to move out on your own.
Jackie, I sense you want to get your own place as soon as possible. But this compromise would only add at most another year to your plan. Also never forget that school should be your number one priority. So, have a talk with your parents and discuss this option. Let them know that you're anxious to start your own life but you will always be their daughter and that you want this to be fair. Also discuss the curfew and work out a schedule where you can have some late nights out occasionally. Talk to them and work out a fair compromise for both of you. You can do it.
Dr. Archer
I'm married but madly in love with my ex...
Dear Dr. Archer,I have been married to a wonderful man for 12 yrs. We have 2 children to whom he is the best father anyone could ask for. I DO love my husband very much, but here's the problem, I can't seem to rid my thoughts about an old lover. I think about him (the ex) everyday and wonder what my life would be like with him. I'm serious when I tell you I think about this other man several times a day, every day!! It's like I'm a prisoner in my own mind.
Me and my ex have known each other 27 yrs. and were each other's first love. I still see him from time to time and I always get butterflies. I have even cheated on my husband with this other man a few times, something that I'm not proud of. I know that it would have never worked out between us and he just got divorced for the 4th time! Sometimes, I even think about leaving my husband for this other man. Why can't I just get over it and move on with my life? Why am I obsessed with this guy? Sometimes it drives me crazy!!
Carmen
Hi Carmen,
The most important thing you have to understand that there is so much more to a marriage than great sex. You describe your husband as a wonderful man and the best father. You also love him very much. This sounds like an idyllic, REAL life marriage which has lasted for 12 years!
On the other hand, youre comparing this to a fantasy relationship rooted in your younger days. You can make this relationship anything you want it to be and believe me its really hard for reality to measure up to fantasy. You even know logically that it would never work out with your ex and after 4 marriages he certainly isnt setting a stability standard. You cant let go because you dont want to let go and you enjoy reliving the care free days of your youth. Lets face it Carmen, everyone has a sentimental fondness for their first love.
So, my advice: One lesson we learn as we grow older and wiser is that what looks good on paper is not always what works. We learn that love and passion are truly wonderful but, if we dont temper each with some careful thought and planning they can lead to disaster. You clearly know the right thing to do here, now its just a question of doing it.
First, you must never see your ex, email him or speak to him again NEVER! Next, make a list of every negative reason why a relationship with him would be doomed to fail and carry it with you and read it whenever your mind starts to wander. Finally, find a close girlfriend or two with whom you can open up and discuss this and get them to help give support when youre feeling weak.
Thats about all I can say. In the end its up to you to do what you know is right. In this case, logic must win out over emotion. One more pearl of wisdom here: If all else fails and you really, really want to get over this guy then divorce your husband and marry him! I promise you that after a year, all the wonderful fantasies you now harbor will be dashed to pieces on the rocks of real life. Good luck Carmen.
Dr. Archer
I gave my husband an ultimatum and now its over
Dear Dr. Archer,I went with this guy for 5 years on and off before we got married. He is Native American, 32 yrs of age and I'm 54 yo Caucasian but I don't look it. I look like Im in my early 40's. We are both on disability; he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I have Major Depression with social anxiety. We got married in 2006. It didn't go well from the start.He did not take showers and was always wearing the same clothes most of the time. He was like that before we got married but I thought things would change. He never called me when he would be late. All he does is work on his motorcycles, always fixing his bikes and always talking about them. You see he puts new engines on the bikes and wants to sell them. So, it was never about me always about HIS bikes. Anyway I left him twice but I still love him I don't know what I am going to do anymore. My daughter told me to go out and enjoy life. But how can I do that without him?Anyway, he wanted 6 months to think about what he had to do to fix the marriage but my daughter of a previous relationship told me that if he loved me he would have taken me back, what was there to think about and told me to give him a week or else. So I gave him a week to decide. I sent him e-mails, letters, nothing! I kept e-mailing him telling him that he had 3 more days and then the final day to make a decision but still no response.
Ive been sad a lot and I don't feel like living at times because I miss him and love him so much. I'm still wearing my wedding band, my pastor knows that I am hurting and every time he calls people to the front by saying there are a few here who are broken hearted I never go up. Like I said I'm not happy anymore. What can I do?
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
My first rule of relationships and ultimatums is: Dont use them! (See my video entitled: Ultimatums in the See Dr. Archer section of this website.) However, thats not your main problem here Debbie. You have to face the fact that he put his bikes ahead of you, doesnt respect your time and now refuses to even discuss your feelings about reconciliation. This is telling you everything you need to know even though you dont want to hear it. You gave your ultimatum and he gave you his answer. Its over.
So, now you have to move on. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your pastor, so talk to him about your feelings. Just having a good listener can help. Also, discuss this with your daughter. She is correct in saying that if he loved you he would come back or at least discuss it. You now have to focus on moving forward.
My main concern is your statement that you dont feel like living. This could indicate a Chemical Imbalance Depression and I think to be safe that seeing a psychiatrist would be a good idea if you continue to have these thoughts. Medication may be needed to get you through this, at least for the short term. Further advice includes getting some exercise every day (even just walking 30 minutes a day can help stabilize brain chemistry) stay busy with family and friends, socialize with others, find new activities/hobbies to pursue and talk, talk, talk about this with everyone youre close to. I know it hurts right now, but you will get over this. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My ex-husband wants me back...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My first two marriages were short, and ended in divorce. I had one son with my first husband who is now grown. His father was an active alcoholic during the first couple of years of marriage, who received treatment and remains sober to this date. A rebound relationship was one of the contributory factors of the second failing marriage, along with much emotional immaturity and incompatibility.
After moving to California, I thought I met the man of my dreams. I had a friendship and love relationship with him. He seemed to have all of the qualities I ever wanted in a man. He was kind, considerate, thoughtful, educated, smart, witty, spiritually grounded, with good morals and values, etc. After being married for about a year and a half our relationship began to change right before I discovered I was pregnant for our daughter.
There has definitely been a common pattern I have identified with all three men I have been married to. I have been in counseling for several years to work on my marriage, and to process whether to stay or separate; and primarily to work through my feelings of shame and grief related to the separation and divorce from my most recent husband as well as to identify what I need to do to take care of myself. The main reason I am writing you is that my most current ex-husband has made some changes, has become a more involved responsible father with improved anger management skills and grown emotionally and is wanting to reconcile.
A little history about the separation: I was the one who filed for divorce due to many years of emotional abuse, anger outburst, dishonesty, alcohol abuse and excessive spending. He did not want the separation or divorce after many years of fighting and discord. As I mentioned above we had gone to marital therapy for a few months, and I went for my own well being for the other months. My ex-spouse did not follow through with the counselor's recommendations.
After I filed for divorce, he began to make some significant changes though I am not convinced the changes will last. Recently, we have begun to talk and enjoy each other's company. He would like to reconcile our relationship and I am reluctant to do so unless some specific things occur. This is what I want your opinion on. I have told him and the therapist what I would need before I could consider dating or reconciling. They are listed below:
1. Resolve conflict issues with my son and elderly father because they are the only family I have here in California. They do not want to talk to him and believe he will never change, in fact feel as though he is some what of a con artist (I am very close with my family, and do not want to have an estranged relationship with them, especially since they have been so supportive through this difficult time in my life).
2. Get a new job with a regular schedule. His job was not conducive to family life because of his unpredictable shift work, irregular income and lack of benefits.
3. An explanation of the credit cards that he spent in excess of $30,000.00.
4. One year of counseling to resolve his issues and ours.
I want to know if I am being unrealistic with having the above requests before going any further. Also, I would like to know if I spend time with my ex and my/his daughter is present, is that going to hurt her more if we don't get back to together? As I mentioned we have been spending some time at home together, as well as with our daughter, for short time spans. Which have been enjoyable and sometimes stressful. I am uncomfortable with spending longer time periods with him, or going out frequently before the above issues are resolved.
I have grown a lot emotionally in the last 2 years, and am determined to maintain my peacefulness and continue to learn and grow. I am learning to be alone and be healthy. I do not want to give my daughter false hope of us getting back together, therefore I am being open with her about her father and I; that we are getting along better but not getting back together. Thank you for your feedback.
Annie
Hi Annie,
I must say you have certainly done a masterful job of analyzing your current situation. In fact you've done such a good job that there really is not much more for me to say. The frank answer here is that no, your requests are not unrealistic and if he really wants you back then he should be more than willing to comply. The whole key to a successful relationship is for both parties to be open and honest about their wants and expectations. You've done that, and now the rest is up to him. With that being said, lets review your list.
Not only does he need to convince you, but he also must convince your family as well that hes worthy. Remember your family has your best interest at heart and it would be difficult to con both you and them all at the same time. Insist that some of your recovery time with him be spent with your family so they know hes sincere.
The job could be a problem. If he works shift work then it may be very difficult in todays economy to find something else. You may need to compromise on that at least for the short term. The money explanation is a must. All relationships must be based on trust and this includes finances; hes just going to have to come clean on where that much money went. Your request of counseling for a year is completely reasonable.
As for your daughter, youre just going to have to be totally up front with her as well. You must tell her that you and her father are thinking about getting back together but that youre just not sure yet. Tell her that no matter what, both you and her Dad will always love her. Depending on her age, explain some of the issues you are dealing with in terms of the reconciliation and then make sure to keep her updated as things go forward.
As much thought and effort as youve put into this, I think you will be fine Annie. I cant predict how this will turn out but Im convinced you will make the right decision. All the best.
Dr. Archer
My childhood was an abusive nightmare...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Do I ever have a screwed up life to tell you about! It's hard to know where to start. My dad went to jail the summer before I went to 3rd grade for molesting my two older sisters. He ended up getting an eight year sentence. He still says today that he never touched me, but I remember.
During the 1st year my dad was gone, my mom really tried hard to keep things going, but she was in her early 30's with 5 kids to support and no high school diploma. Her family was no help and my dad's family could only talk about how it was all her fault that my dad was the way he was. My mom finally broke and turned to alcohol and men to feel better. We almost never had a running vehicle. I remember all of us kids helping to clean up the house one day and really doing a good job, so mom said for our reward we could go to the park. I thought one of her boyfriends was going to pick us up and bring us until she starts walking down the road. We lived at least ten miles out of town.
Sometimes, she would send us to stay the night with a friend and not show back up for weeks. I remember being worried sick about HER, thinking she might have died. Thank goodness my friends had nice parents. I could tell they were aggravated but they didn't take it out on us. Her boyfriends were the worse. They were losers that drank and were very vulgar. Only a couple of them had jobs. She always moved them in with us or us in with them. No matter what she was on their side. They could do whatever they wanted and she would still say we were wrong. She used the food stamps and money she got from the government for us on them.
There is so much that I want to scream at her and, at the same time, I want to hug her and tell her I'm so sorry for how her life has been. She slept with my sister's husband three times for sure. One of those times was when my sister was in the hospital having their third child. How screwed up is that? My sister says she forgives her. I don't know how. My mom has never even apologized.
When I was 12 my mom signed custody papers for me over to a couple she barely knew from a church she had visited a few times. We lived in a small town nearby. They had another daughter my age. At first, I thought everything was going to be so great. They seemed nice from my young viewpoint. I had plenty to eat. The electricity was always on, there were no rats in the house, and the parents were still together.
Then, slowly, things began to unravel. Their oldest son began to be perverted toward me. He would slap my rear end sometimes and ask me to take showers with him. He would come into my room and hide in my closet. He even crawled into bed with me a couple times. This bothered me, but I felt like if I told anyone then the blame would be put on me. His father must have known because he told me once that if his son ever bothered me to let him know. This was after it had gone on for a while. Then, one day I heard in the bathroom, the oldest telling his sister, my friend, to come closer that he just wanted to see. She kept saying mom and dad will be home soon you better get out. She was weak. I always told him to get lost and I would look him straight in the eye.
I tried to tell the pastor of the church about this, but it all got explained away and hidden. Then, things began to creep up with the father. He would open the bathroom door and just watch me on the toilet or burst into my room sometimes without knocking. He was very touchy-feely. There were several times that he was very inappropriate, but I don't think it was actual molestation.
I moved back in with my mom at 15 and the other family hated me for a while. I still continued to go to that same church. I began to spend time with their oldest daughter. She eventually told me that her Dad had severely molested her from age 9 to 12. She told her teacher at school twice and the state came in on it. Her mom kicked HER out both times. She stayed with the pastor and his wife until they convinced her to recant her story. Even with all of this, she still allowed her daughter and son to go over to her fathers house- how crazy is that? I was devastated.
All these years I knew something was wrong and now it was confirmed, but I couldn't explain it away. I called the pastor and tried to make some sense of it, but he didn't help. He told me to let God deal with it. He said that the father had apologized and repented. He asked me what I would do in the wife's position. I said I wouldn't let that go on in my house.
I finally stopped hanging around that family when I caught their son looking down my son's underwear. I stopped going to that church soon after my daughter was born. The father started trying to hold her all the time at church and even came to my house to play with her once. I couldn't stand it anymore. People from that church still come to invite me back and I tell them all this and they know. But, they say God will handle it. That I should just forgive and let Him deal with it. My husband was born and raised in that church and we have a lot of problems dealing with not going.
We have two children. My son is 6 and my daughter is 2. I have bad days a lot and feel very overwhelmed. I just want to have some self-esteem so that my kids have a chance at a normal life. My oldest sister and I have recently reconnected and I have a good relationship with my twin brother now, but I feel very alone most of the time.
I just want to feel happy and competent as a mother and person. Little things send me into panic mode and I get so nervous. I put my son in flag football last season, but took him out after 2 practices. I would feel like my heart was going to pound out of my chest before bringing him to those practices. I just felt so inferior to the other moms and I was scared of them judging my son. I don't know why. My husband makes decent money and we have nice vehicles, but I just don't feel right.
So there's the bulk of my story. I tried to keep it as short as possible. Please, help me if you think you can! I dont want my kids to be like me. I don't want them to ever feel inferior or alone, but I know that it's on me to teach them how to be confident and happy. And that's something that I can't teach them right now. I'm also very afraid that my marriage will end soon if I don't get help. That would be just one more thing that would hurt my children. Thanks for letting me tell my story. Just writing it out made me feel somewhat better. Today has been one of my bad days.
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for trusting me with your story. I cant imagine how difficult that was to write. But I will say that many folks tell me the same thing you did: Just writing the story helps them feel better. Also the longer and more detailed your story is, the better off you will be in the long run. Why? Because youve truly put some time, thought and effort into figuring it all out. Youre going to be OK Melissa, you just need some guidance. Ive treated numerous patients with situations like yours so lets analyze what youve told me one step at a time.
First you went through an incredibly traumatic childhood. Father sent to jail for sexual abuse, completely unstable mother who constantly moved you around and disappeared, living with an abusive foster family- both father and brother, turning to both teachers and preachers for help and getting nowhere.
The fact that youve been able to survive all of that madness and now have a husband and two children of your own is truly remarkable! Rather than feeling inferior to others you must give yourself tremendous credit for overcoming incredible odds to make it to stability. Most folks would have used their childhood as an excuse for failure and succumbed to alcohol, drugs or promiscuity. You have my admiration.
Now lets discuss how youre feeling at this time. I strongly suspect you have a Chemical Imbalance of the brain. There are two reasons for this. First it sounds like both your mother and father have psychiatric issues which put you at high risk. Secondly, a stressful childhood can actually disrupt the delicate circuitry of the brain as it is being laid down and this can predispose you for mental health issues down the road. The symptoms you describe are also an indicator: Frequent bad days, feeling alone and overwhelmed, low self esteem, panic mode, extremely nervous, etc
These symptoms could indicate the possibility of Major Depression, Generalized anxiety, Panic Attacks or another condition.
So, Melissa, what to do? It's impossible for anyone to diagnose you over the internet so you must get an evaluation by a psychiatrist soon. Talk to him about the possibility of medication for your symptoms. If indicated, this should help you feel better and more able to cope with your current life. As for psychotherapy- yes I definitely think that could help as well. But typically with my patients I find its not necessary to go over the traumatic childhood (Im sure youve thought enough about that) unless there are unresolved issues to deal with. Rather, I prefer instead to focus on developing coping strengths and strategies for the here and now.
In addition to professional help you also want to maintain a strong relationship with your brother and sister, make sure to socialize with friends as much as possible and openly communicate about how youre feeling with your husband and loved ones. Communication is mandatory and amazingly helpful. Also make sure you practice a healthy lifestyle, exercise and get plenty of sleep. A healthy body can make stress much easier to deal with.
My final thoughts are for you to get help for yourself now, so that you can take good care of your kids and make sure they have a happy and healthy life going forward. Remember, the people around you are not judging your past, only who you are today. You have no reason to feel guilty about a childhood that was in no way your fault. Youre stronger than you think and youre a survivor- youve proven that. You just need a little help right now. Take care and good luck Melissa.
Dr. Archer
I changed for my husband and now he doesn't want me...
Dear Dr. Archer:
I am 25 years old and I got married to the person I love just 8 months ago. We met each other in London where I was studying. He lives in London but his family lives here where my family lives and I now live, in the same city and country. Our parents decided that we can finally live with each other like husband and wife and when I get my visa, go to live with him in London. Our marriage was held in June. When he went back to London in August he said he didnt really take me as a wife in fact he couldnt feel the way a person feels about his wife with me.
But when he went to London he realized that I am his wife now and he doesn't want me to meet anyone and he doesnt want me to have any friends. He just wants me to stay at home and think about him or pray, whereas hes free to do anything he wants! I am just totally dependent on him and I only love to talk to him, but now that I made myself totally the way he wanted me to be, he thinks Im a mad psycho!
He thinks when I ask him to give me attention and to talk to me on phone that it is so stupid. Now he thinks I should not call him daily and says I disturb him. We used to talk daily for hours and hours but now he does not pick up. When we do talk I ask him where were you and why were you not picking up the call? He then shouts at me says I am mad and that I always want to talk to him too much and that I should be patient and stop calling so much.
What should I do now? Is it really my fault? I am just the way he said he wanted me to be but now he says Im really mad and a psycho. In spite of all these things I really love him. What should I do? Please help me!!!
Sereen
Hi Sereen,
Youve definitely got a problem here. What you must understand is that you can never change yourself for another. You can only change yourself if you really believe it is best for you. In this case, you became totally dependent on your husband, completely changed and youre not even living together. How can this be right? The only way a relationship can work is for two people to be happy with who they are and then decide to make a life together.
This relationship is completely one-sided and its all going against you. From what I know about visas, it may take months or even years for you to get one. So, youre in a very difficult situation. All you can do now is tell your husband how you feel. Ideally you would want him to come back to your country for a face to face talk. Then you can have an honest and frank discussion. You must tell him this is not working for you and that the relationship must be equal and fair in order to work. You must ask if he really wants to be married to you and if so outline the changes you will need from him in order for this to work out.
To be honest things dont look good, but remember you have to be true to yourself first and be who you are. Then even if things dont work out you will know that it wasnt meant to be and you werent pretending to be some one you're not. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
He won't ask me to marry him...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm in love with a wonderful man and I know he plans to propose next year. But my mind and heart just dont want to wait that long. I sometimes want to harm myself just to get over the tears. I have a wonderful relationship with him. I just don't understand why I want to speed it up and get to the proposal and get that over with. I'm even planning to wait a year or two before the wedding. I just for some reason want that proposal. Why do I feel this way?
Michelle
Hi Michelle,
There are a couple things we need to discuss here. First, have you talked to your boyfriend and are you absolutely sure hes going to propose? If you only feel he will or hope he will but you really dont know he will, then you must be worried that it might not happen. Clearly, this is very upsetting for you.
Next, it is a total red flag that you have had thoughts of harming yourself? This indicates there may be more going on than you are telling me? Im concerned about a chemical imbalance of the brain that may be causing a depression. Its not normal to have thoughts of hurting yourself and this alone leads me to suggest you get a psychiatric evaluation.
However, I think the most likely scenario here is that you are just overwhelmed with the uncertainty; not necessarily about your relationship, but your future with this man. You are almost positive a marriage is going to happen and you want it so badly, but it just wont be real until he actually proposes.
So, my advice: First schedule a visit with a psychiatrist just to make sure there is no chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. Next, ask yourself if you want a marriage, or do you want a ring and a wedding? There is a big difference. Finally, have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him honestly how you feel. This should clear the air, and will give you a clear picture of his stake in your future. Maybe you can choose to become pre-engaged and pick a date for the engagement. You want to take the uncertainty out of the picture and an honest conversation is the way to do so. Take care.
Dr. Archer
I am 38, can I be going through menopause...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I think I am going through early menopause. I am 38, which I know is young, but here are my symptoms: Weight that will not come off, no matter how I diet and exercise. Facial hair, some are dark, but most is white, fuzzy, and thick. If it were darker, I'd look like a wolfboy. Occasional hot flashes, and shakiness. I have had my hormone levels checked many times, and they are always within the normal range. I was even tested for Cushings.
I have been put on mild antidepressants before, which did nothing really, and have increased my soy, my calcium, and have even taken kelp tablets. The only person that believes me is my dentist. Everytime I go in, they ask if I'm pregnant or menstruating, and I say no.... they say "well, you have the gums of a menopausal woman, hormone changes affect the mouth like that, but you are too young" I'm really at a loss. I'm not depressed, I"m not unhealthy. What do you think it could be?
Hi Nan,
Even with your normal test results, your symptoms do indeed sound like menopause. However, what you must realize is that in very early pre-menopause it's possible to still have normal levels. This does not sound like a psychiatric issue, so my advice would be to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist (hormone specialist) for a full evaluation. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
I was abused as a child...
Dear Dr. Archer,
As a child I suffered great anxiety due to severe emotional abuse (including death threats) and some physical abuse from my father and brothers. I always slept well as a child despite my anxiety, but then I developed a urinary problem at 14 that severely limited my sleep. I became much more vulnerable and compliant simply because I had less energy to resist the effects of unreasonable treatment. If someone argued with me, I often couldn't come back with a clear response, and that inability was interpreted as simply being wrong.
I forced myself to do everything I did, including sleep. I found it agonizing to lie in bed for hours. As an adult I began to recognize when I'd get no sleep at all, so I got up and walked around all night; that was much less torturous. Then I'd work all day, often roofing or grape pruning, both physically demanding jobs. Only in the last few months have I begun to sleep reasonably well and consistently for long stretches. I am now 54.
Rick
Hi Rick,
What is going on in your life now, over the last few months, that is serving as a comfort to allow you to get a good night's sleep? That is absolutely a key to understanding yourself going forward. I have treated hundreds of adults who were abused physically, sexually and emotionally as kids.
Amazingly, I never can predict the survivors - those that will rise above it all versus those that will use the past as an excuse for failure. The fact that you're writing to me is hugely positive because you know there was a problem and want advice on how to deal with it. This means you are seeking a solution and NOT using it as an excuse.
Rick, youve had a bad childhood with huge stressors, but in the end one of two things will happen: It will get the best of you or you will get the best of it. So, my advice to you is to analyze your life now to figure out why all of a sudden things are going well. Is it a new job, new friend, new girlfriend, new hobby? Think! Something is different. Figure that out and the past will be left in the past where it belongs. You must learn from the past, live in the present and plan for the future.
Dr. Archer
I have to accept that my marriage is over...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I need to find the strength and courage to accept that my marriage is over. I know that me waiting around and hoping for 2 years may seem crazy, but we've had relations on several occasions. He is going through some hard times with himself, and I completely understand, you can't be happy with someone until you're happy with yourself.
But I often find myself sad and depressed sometimes because I'm sitting home alone AGAIN! Especially if we've spent some time together earlier that day. That really blows my mind up into pieces. I know what I need to do; the problem is I'm scared that I'll make the wrong decision. He tells me he's not ready to do what I want to do. But I'm scared!!! Please any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
Ecci
Hi Ecci,
I can tell that you are really in distress here, and I want you to know that you have my sympathy. Breaking up is always such a difficult task to face; but, when you say "I need to find the strength and courage to accept that my marriage is over", it is evident that you know what needs to happen. I understand; you're scared. The unknown is always so tough for all of us. I think you basically want me to validate what you already know...it's time to move on! I can't make you do the right thing here.
No matter how hard the decision seems now, it's really no harder than living a life in limbo while your husband tries to figure himself out. You know what needs to be done and it's up to you to take the first step and just do it! Be sure to take careful consideration, plan well, speak with a lawyer, and protect yourself. If you're going to leave, do it in a positive way with no ill will. You are stronger than you think, Ecci. I wish you all the best.
Dr. Archer
He told me he loves me, but now he doesn't call...
Dear Dr. Archer,
From August through November, 2008. I travelled in Australia. My home base was with a friend in Brisbane, and I stayed with him when I wasn't out traveling (14 flights in all). He was a wonderful host, took me everywhere, traveled with me part of the time and despite my protests, insisted on paying for much of my entertainment, i.e., museums, theatre, entrance to parks and zoos. We had agreed before I arrived that we would like to be romantic during my stay, but because he was once hurt by another visitor from the USA, that when I left we would not have a long-distance relationship, but would remain friends.
While I was there, I fell in love with him. We share many close interests. He was not overt, yet he was incredibly romantic, with amazing timing about when he acted as he did. I fell in love. So did he, but he didn't tell me so until the morning that I left (I had stayed two weeks longer than planned at his request). He was simply wonderful. I respect him and love his character.
On the morning he took me to the airport for my return flight, he twice told me he loved me, and the first e-mail I received at home from him also indicated that he loved me. Since then, he has been slow in answering e-mails, if at all. I've phoned him three times. He hasn't phoned me, once. When I talk to him, he seems fine and we always have plenty to talk about, yet he doesn't encourage me to call or stay in touch. It's as though he's following through on our intent not to have a long distance relationship. I don't know what to think, but I spoke briefly with him this morning and I am going to phone him this weekend - that is, if he isn't working. He truly does work 80 hours a week and I do trust him.
We are the same age and of similar professional and economic backgrounds. I need to talk with him about this situation. I do understand his desire to not have a long-distance, serious love commitment relationship, why would he wait until the last morning to say I love you, repeatedly? I want to confront him in a positive way about our relationship, and try to work out something which allows us to go forward as individuals, each in our own home countries, yet get together at times to travel or visit one another - to continue that part of our relationship, and to learn where it will go. I am retired and he works double-time. Should I write him? Phone him? What can I do? I am suffering from tremendous loneliness without him, and the anxiety of not knowing what he's doing and feeling is depressing me (clinically). What should I do?
Lee
Hi Lee,
I get so many inquiries about this very topic. Just scroll through the personal/relationship questions to see.
The bottom line here is this: actions speak louder than words. His actions are telling you everything you need to know. The anxiety and depression are being caused because you DO know deep inside what the deal is, you just don't want to accept it. As for him saying he loved you, all I can say is that folks say all kinds of things. Some are true, some might be true, some are sometimes true and some are outright lies. That's why you always look at actions.
So Lee, yes you need to have a talk with him just as you suggest and say exactly what you would like the relatonship to be. Also, tell him you feel this has become one sided and that you're not comfortable always being the one to contact him. That in order for this to work there needs to be equal effort on both sides. I have to be honest and tell you that from what you've written the chances are not good that this will work out. So if the contact initiation doesn't become equal then you need to let it go.
Dr. Archer
I made one small mistake and now my family doesn't speak to me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Back in November I attended a family birthday party for my sister who was turning 50. I should mention that I live in Virginia while the rest of the family lives several states away. So the times that we get to see each other aren't often. I have an older sister and a younger sister and brother. All my life my mother has shown favoritism to the oldest sister which over the years has hurt me deeply.
Now for the event for which I'm writing . My older sister has a son who is 27 who has never dated or ever been with a girl and for years has suffered from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) in which he can't stand any woman touching him at all. Well when the party ended I whispered to him that IF he was gay that my family would still love and support and that he could always count on us.
When I got home that night to my mothers the phone was ringing and it was the father of my nephew (my sister's husband) and he said the following to me: "Lynn, you sick, sick mentally sick person. You are so sick you need mental help. You mentally sick person. You are never again permitted to contact a single member of my family including your sister until you get mental help and prove this by getting a signed certificate by a psychiatrist". My answer on the phone was nothing because I was in such shock. My husband then called in an effort to understand and he said the following to my husband: "You ball-less man you are a nothing, you need to get control of your family, this conversation is terminated." So you can see neither one of us had much of an opportunity to say anything. I did call my mother the next day to try to speak to her about it but by then she had sided with her favorite and wouldn't dare cross them.
I sent an email apology to my nephew the very next day, but he never responded which is OK with me for now. I would also like to mention that 11 days after this event I had a major heart attack followed by heart surgery and not a single member of my family contacted me. As you can tell this is all weighing very heavy on my heart and I'm hoping that you can offer some advice that will help me through this. Thank you.
Lynn
Hi Lynn,
There are a couple of issues here. First it sounds like you're really going through a rough patch in life right now and you have my complete sympathy. Obviously in retrospect you shouldn't have said anything to the son. He apparently felt like it was an accusation that he was gay and, whether he is or not, took offense. I'm sure you regret saying it now, but you clearly had good intentions and what's done is done.
However, what you said in no way justifies the mean response from your family which seems like a severe over-reaction to me. But in this world we can only control our own actions/words not those of others. All you can do at this point is to give it some time and then try another apology. Tell them that you didn't mean to hurt anyone, you regret any pain that you caused and you're ready to move on if they are. Even though they owe you an apology as well, be the bigger person and let it go. You only have one family and you need to do everything in your power to keep the relationships open. However, after your repeat apology it will then be their move. Understand that they may not accept this and be prepared to move on with your life. Again, you can't control the actions of anyone else.
Next, I want to comment on your mother showing favoritism to your sister. Just remember that we all have favorites in life: we have favorite songs, movies, sports teams and hobbies. Some friends are closer than others, we choose some one special to date or marry, have a favorite boss or co-worker and sometimes a parent has a favorite child. There is nothing you can do to change this. We each are unique in our own way and this means there will always be one chosen over another in any given case.
But here's the secret Lynn: you have to accept yourself and like who you are as a person. Then you'll understand that you have your favorites, you will respect others for their favorites and every now then, if you're real lucky, you and another, will choose to be, each others favorite.
My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend is still manipulating her...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been with my girl friend for about 3 months now. Before I met her she was in a 3 year relationship. The previous guy used to manipulate her, to make her answer to him. But, she told me she moved on and everything was ok and then her ex-boyfriend got cancer. She started helping him once a week, cleaning his apartment and helping around the place. Anyways, things happened and she slept with him. She is a very nice person, down to earth, loves kids and very emotional.
When she is really happy, she is extremely happy and when shes sad, emotions run her life. The situation happened when I made her angry by sleeping in and not dropping her at work. During this anger she met up with him and that's when she slept with him about a week ago. We are now over 3 months into our relationship. Her ex is very controlling, keeps calling, keeps bothering her. I believe that his happiness only comes because she gives him hope by helping him while he's sick and he uses his sickness to try to get back with her. There's more to the story but I feel the reply or the help is going to be too late to help me make up my mind.
My question is should I give her a chance? She requested it and she was crying while on her knees, wanting to do anything to be back with me?? What do you think?? Thank you so much. Awaiting your reply.
Mo
Hi Mo,
The fact you're asking me this question indicates that you really want to give her another chance. Otherwise you would be long gone and not even thinking about my, or anybody else's, advice.
Let's analyze this: You've only been together for three months and the fact that her Ex has cancer is certainly a stressful event for all. My advice is that you both have to agree on one thing in order for this to work and that is this: If she's going to be in a relationship with you, then that means that she can no longer help out her Ex. She has to decide between being with you and helping him. If she feels that she just must be there for him then that's fine, but your relationship could never flourish in this environment. That means no cleaning house, grocery shopping or helping out around his place. This may sound mean when a man has cancer, but she can't have it both ways.
So Mo, if she agrees to this then give the relationship another chance.
Dr. Archer
Why can't I settle down with just one guy in my life...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm surprised to find myself with this problem now Dr. Archer as the circumstances surrounding it have been with me for many years. I have been seeing a guy on and off for over twenty-five years. He was my first love and has kind of stayed around my life ever since. Throughout all our other relationships, including marriages, long-term live-in lovers, having children, we have had a special secret thing going.
We both move around the world a lot in our work but always stay in touch. Whenever we meet up, anywhere in the world, we always get together again just like we were still an item, but no ties, no complications - just fantastic sex, great party times, fabulous conversations and lots of laughs. This 'love capsule' thing we have going never interferes with our 'real lives' or our significant others at any stage. We get together two to three times a year, in different places around the world, just for a secret day or two.
Anyway, due to unexpected events over this holiday period we have both coincidentally found ourselves back in the hometown we both grew up in. So, we get our 'love capsule' thing going again - cool, fun, sex, etc. etc. But, for the first time - we are both single at the same time so no big need to split up again.
So, here's the problem - my lovely soul mate has declared his undying love for me and wants us to finally get it together properly. But OMG, blinding flash of light dawns in me, I don't want this - I like the 'capsule' thing because I have some other great things going on in my life! Also, he is SUCH a fabulous person that I am in danger of going along with this just to avoid hurting his feelings. How can I cool the engines down to tick-over again? I really don't want it to end in tears, I want our 'love capsule' back. I always find regular relationships boring after a while, sorry for my moral void, but it's the truth. Why can't I just be normal and settle down with one guy in my life, do I need therapy?
Melanie
Hi Melanie,
First here's a little background on the wonderful world of the male-female friendship. Or in this case, should I say the world of friends with benefits. The # 1 rule here is this: there is ALWAYS one party (you) in this type of relationship that likes things just the way they are. AND there is ALWAYS the other (him) who wants more- the whole deal: marriage, white picket fence, dog, 2.5 kids and the SUV in the driveway of the suburban house.
So, what to do? Well, interestingly this type of relationship can go on for years and years and everything is cool on both sides in an unspoken homeostasis. Both understand the dynamics and all is well............Until one day, one person, decides that, now is the time to declare my undying love and my desire to be together forever. So, Melanie you've made the choice to keep this going for years; yet, you of course knew he was much more into you than you were into him.
Let's analyze this together and first look at how you describe the guy: First love, great sex, fabulous conversations, soul mate, fabulous person, declared his undying love for me. Hmmm.........no downside here. In fact most women or men for that matter constantly fantasize about an ideal partner just like that. Check out the internet dating sites for proof.
Now let's analyze you: Want the 'love capsule', no ties, no complications, great sex, never interferes with our real lives or significant others, regular relationships are boring. You've been lucky enough, in your eyes, to have the best of both worlds for 25 long years. Now you're going to have to make a decision and I detect a major conflict- within you! What exactly do you want? Now is the time to look to thyself for the answer. I suspect you've known this day was coming for a long, long time and now that it's here you're saying oh, no! What am I to do? I think the answer may lie with your statement: "Why can't I just be normal and settle down with one guy in my life"? Uh, you can. But it's your choice.
Analyze your fear of commitment, what are you really afraid of here? Not being a good partner, getting bored, a failed relationship? Search your soul, make some decisions and then have a long, honest talk with your childhood friend. Realize that a soul mate is a very unique opportunity in life. Now's the time to lay it all on the line, you may never have another chance like this again. Think carefully and choose wisely. You owe it to him.........and to yourself.
Dr. Archer
My friend keeps talking about her sexual fetishes...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a friend who insists on talking to me about her fetishes, and those of her fiance. Since she's lost some weight, they are constantly buying costumes, toys, and other items. They even joke about their special "suitcase" for trips. They've never talked about adding a partner to me, but it wouldn't surprise me if they ended up doing that. While I'm happy for her in feeling comfortable in her body, at some point, enough is enough. What I want to say is "clearly you are not happy in your relationship so you are making it all about sex-play". But who am I to judge?
What do you think about adult playthings in the relationship, or added partners? I do stop them when the conversation gets too uncomfortable. My word is "HALT!" and they know they've gone too far. Do I ask her if she's happy in her relationship? Do I leave it be? Or do I embrace their newfound fun and give them a Christmas present they'll never forget?Thanks.
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
You bring up several interesting points. First you are correct with your statement: "who am I to judge"? There is no "one relationship fits all" rule. What's important is that a couple keep an open dialogue with each other so they both know the "rules" for their particular relationship.
Next, the fact that they have a different sex life than you in no way indicates that they are not happy. Also, I wonder why you think they may be considering adding a partner and if so, why that partner would be you? Remember Sarah, sometimes talk is just talk and they may have no implied intent other than telling a good story.
Finally, it seems to me that you are having some thoughts of your own about wanting to join in with them and on this point I would advise extreme caution. Joining in with a good friend and her fiance has the potential to ruin a friendship and stop a wedding.
Dr. Archer
I'm not worthy to meet his family...
Dear Dr. Archer
I've been with my boyfriend almost one and a half years. We have an issue- he can't introduce me to his family and friends. His answer is "I'm not ready" which drives me crazy because I don't understand. And right now I have to spend Christmas holidays alone because he is the only person I have in this country. He understands the issue and is trying to get better about it. I met his friends once about 6 months ago, since then never again. I do see his brother often, they share a place together, but when it comes to his parents and other siblings when they come here its impossible.
What is this "I'm not ready" and how should I act in this situation? Try to understand and move on because he has been very understanding with my issues or...he'll never be "ready"? He did say that he'll try to arrange dinner sometime after holidays, but "try" is not "will". I started developing self-esteem problems because of thinking that I'm not good enough, or there might be something wrong with me. Especially when I caught him surfing on the net for girls...he even called one of the prostitutes but hung up right away, he said that it was nothing, mindless, just curiosity about what's out there. After seeing how much it affected me, he's not doing it anymore, not that I know of. I must say that he is the most amazing person I've ever met and that's what kept me in the relationship.
I feel that my life is greatly dependent on the relationships health. I'm not able to focus on work when something is wrong with us. I can't break up but I also can't go through understanding that I'm not worthy to meet his family. Please help with the advice. Thank you,.
Jane
Hi Jane,
Lets analyze this together: Youve been dating your boyfriend for a year and a half AND youve never met his family? AND youve only met his friends once? AND hes leaving you alone to go spend the holidays with them? AND youve caught him calling a prostitute? Jane??? This is not a relationship. No matter how amazing you think he is, no matter how wonderful you think the connection is and no matter that he acts like hes ready to try, the fact is that you have a huge problem here. Even though you consider him your boyfriend, he obviously doesnt feel the same about you. Well give him credit for understanding your issues, but what about your feelings? How devastated you must feel to be left alone for the holidays while he visits with his family?!
So Jane, heres what you must do. You have to decide if this is the relationship you want. Is this acceptable for you? You know you have to make a decision. You must either realize that this is not a typical boyfriend/girlfriend situation and accept it for what it is
or have a talk with him and say this: I think youre the most amazing man Ive ever met but I cant keep living like this. I feel like a second class citizen and I am so devastated that you would choose to leave me out of your familys holiday plans. No matter how he responds, Jane, you have to make a choice. I know you cant bear to think about life without him, but is this really the relationship you want? I never believe in ultimatums and I dont think you should give one here, but just put some thought into what kind of man/relationship you want in your life. No doubt the pain would be great if you choose to break it off, but it all comes down to your choice. Accept it as is, or be assertive and tell him what you need to make it work for you.
The fact that you wrote this email indicates that you question the relationships longevity AND that you are stronger than you think. Good luck, Jane.
Dr. Archer
My friend is jealous of my boyfriend...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 33 with a varied past. I have suffered two violent relationships. I am now living in India and I am with my perfect guy but I seem to have upset my friend and I am confused as to why? I have asked her to chat with me and she ignores me. I am constantly angry and feel very paranoid. I was on medication for a ruptured disc in my back but I felt paranoid before. I dont trust people that much. I trusted my friend and we would gossip and tell each other our problems. I have been there for her and she has been for me but she said she cant support me. I never wanted support, I just wanted a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. She never had to agree with me just listen. So why do I feel like the bad person?
Tara
Hi Tara,
You present several issues here. First congratulations on finding a perfect guy. Hopefully this relationship is strong and enduring and fortunately it is not abusive. Next certain pain meds can often cause addiction and result in anger and paranoia. Even though you say you felt that way before; constant pain and medication can definitely affect your personality and even trigger a chemical imbalance of the brain. If your paranoia/anger is affecting how you live your life then you definitely need to have a psychiatric evaluation; meds may help.
Finally, as to your friend, I suspect the reason you are having problems with her is precisely because of the perfect man in your life. Shes jealous about the time you are now spending with your guy
time that used to be spent exclusively with her. She sees him as a threat to your friendship and is feeling abandoned, so she is trying to make you feel like the bad person here.
So Tara, heres what you need to do: First: make sure to schedule time for the two of you to go out together. Next, include her in some social outings with you and your new boyfriend - try to help them become friends. Finally you must have a talk with her and let her know how much you value her friendship and that you dont want your new boyfriend to interfere with that. This is always a difficult transition for anyone who enters into a new, serious relationship: it becomes all consuming and old friends are often left to pick up the scraps of your time, here and there, when available. Now that you understand the situation you should be able to integrate the new boyfriend with your existing friend. It will just take a little bit of time and effort on your part.
Dr. Archer
She uses sex as a power play...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I wanted to make a comment concerning your assessment of Veronica's situation with her boss(es). You didn't mention something that was blatantly obvious to me and I think you missed with your advice. Power is the key! Women who work primarily with men, especially powerful ones, often use sex as a power play. It's powerful to be able to deny or grant a top CEO his wants and wishes. It's powerful to be able to be the one to define a relationship, sexual, professional, or otherwise. Perhaps what Veronica needs to see is that as successful as she is, she's still looking to be the boss of the boss.
I agree that as long as she knows that she is playing the game, and sees for herself that she likes the feeling of making the Big Boys squirm, more power to her. It's when she gets HER wish and they fall for her that the trouble begins.
As far as the nunnery or the local girl bar, tell her to forget it. Relationships are universal, and just because she's striking out in the romance department with the men, doesn't mean that playing house with the girls is the way to go. If she's playing power-trip with that caliber of dude, she will be toast when some seasoned leather clad butch gets a hold of her. Get with the real world Dr. Archer. You just don't get it!!!
Janette
Hi Janette,
I certainly agree that a relationship is a relationship. But I also know that human nature is the same for all of us and we all have our wants, needs and desires. The key is to realize that we choose our actions, reactions, wants and needs. It doesn't matter why Veronica chooses her relationships or her bosses. She just needs to realize WHY and then decide if these choices make her happy. Maybe power is the issue but then again maybe not - there could be many other reasons involved. In the end only she can figure it out and my advice to look into the abyss stands firm.
The bottom line is that we are all responsible for our own happiness and THAT is the key here, not whether this is a power trip, some repressed lesbian tendency or an innate desire to be a nun. Look to thyself is always the key. We all make our choices.............we just need to understand why and how we arrive at our decisions. Don't focus strictly on the "real world" Janette - it may not be real.
Dr. Archer
My bosses always fall in love with me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Can you help me? I am fortunate to have been very successful in my career and I work in very senior positions in my jobs. Typically I like to move jobs every three or four years. This is for two reasons, 1) I like a change and usually get a big hike in pay when I move and 2) my bosses always seem to fall in love with me... so I just have to move on to get out of a tricky situation!! This is absolutely NOT caused by me being drop dead gorgeous - very far from it.... I think this happens because I work usually with either the President or CEO of an organization and it would seem that these guys spend all their time working, working, working....never having any fun. So, I am with them for long hours and with lots of overseas travel, and I guess I spend more time with them than their own wives do.
I am the type of person who likes to laugh a lot and have some (innocent) fun so humor is a big part of my life. Over time I always seem to end up persuading these bosses of mine to have a little fun while we are working and before you know it - brakes on, but too late...they are buying me expensive gifts and swearing their undying devotion! And me, well I am always distraught at this because that is when the fun stops and the whole relationship becomes miserable, fraught with innuendos, demands for commitment (no way!!!) and, honestly, no FUN ANYMORE........
What can I do to stop this naughty behavior? Become a nun? Try 'batting for the other team' and look for a flannelette lesbian? The one thing you can't say is to stop having fun while I work........ Help!
Veronica
Dear Veronica,
Albert Einstein defines insanity as: "doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results". So I'm not sure what your question is? Whose naughty behavior do you want to stop? Yours? You obviously know how this will turn out. Or do you blame the boss who falls so hard for you? You choose your actions and you can predict the result which you say you don't like, but...........you continue the same activity. Is the boss to blame? I think not. What you have to figure out is why you keep choosing to enter into the same type of relationship over and over with a boss. Maybe for the money, the excitement, the challenge?
In the end it's your choice and your decision. Any reason is ok, just as long as you understand why. Another important question for you to ask yourself is why are you wondering about this now, at this point in your life? In the end neither the boss, the nun or the flannelette lesbian can help you figure YOU out. Look to thyself, the answer lies within. In the end we're all responsible for our own happiness. We can use as many tricks and games as possible to postpone the inevitable but eventually we all look into the abyss of who we are...... and there's nothing looking back, only emptiness..........and that's when, if we're lucky, we find our character. And that's what saves us...........from the abyss.
This question is coming up to your consciousness for a reason right now Veronica and you have several options. 1) Do nothing, continue with your current pattern but expect the same results. 2) Have a firm talk with your boss (new or current) and explain that you are business associates and friends and that's all it will ever be and then stick to that. 3) Find a job without a boss. Choose wisely.
Dr. Archer
My best friend doesn't know I'm gay...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My friend and I have been best friends since grade school. We've been friends for almost 30 years, yet he still doesn't know my greatest secret, I'm gay. How do I tell him?
Ronnie
Hi Ronnie,
I suspect that your friend already knows this about you. It would be very difficult to have a best friend for 30 years and for him not to have at least a suspicion. More than likely he not only knows, but he feels that you are the one that is uncomfortable bringing it up, so he doesn't say anything. So, plan a dinner together and just tell him. More than likely you will both be relieved that 'the secret' is out in the open. Life is too short to live with any type of lie. Don't delay Ronnie, do it soon.
Dr. Archer
My doctor's personal life concerns me...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been seeing the same doctor for years, and have always trusted him. I just found out some details about his personal life and behavior that are very disturbing. I hate to change doctors, but I'm not sure I can trust him or interact with him as I did before. My husband says it shouldn't matter, that his personal life has nothing to do with his professional qualifications. I disagree, and think a person's ethics are a person's ethics. What do you think?
Kandi
Hi Kandi,
This is a case where the answer definitely lies within you. Obviously the personal life of a doctor has nothing to do with whether he's a competent physician. So, I think many can logically understand that and separate the two aspects of his personality without a problem. However this clearly bothers you or you wouldn't be asking me.
The bottom line Kandi is that you have to trust your doc to feel comfortable talking with him, sharing your problems and accepting his advice. Since this is no longer the case for you, I suggest you find another physician. Take Care.
Dr. Archer
I hate the way I look...
Dear Dr. Archer,
How would I go about finding a doctor who specializes in the disorders I struggle with? I have both Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have suffered with these illnesses for years and I could really use help. I have completely isolated myself at this point and I don't know who to talk to about it.
Brian
Hi Brian,
Body Dysmorphic Disorder is defined as: a preoccupation with an imagined or minor defect in appearance which causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. If a real defect is present then this becomes a physical condition as opposed to a psychological one and the diagnosis is not valid. Avoidant personality is often present with this condition due to the distress being so great that you don't want others to see your perceived defect. Thus gradual social isolation can occur to the point where you never want to leave the house.
The good news Brian, is that this condition can be treated. First the class of drugs called SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), which modulate the Serotonin neurotransmitter system can be an effective treatment. Next a specific type of counseling called cognitive behavior therapy which addresses faulty thinking processes may also work.
So your first step is a psychiatric evaluation by a Psycho-pharmacologist (specialist in treating chemical imbalances) to see if medication is indicated. The doctor may also refer you for therapy. You can call local psychiatric offices or ask your family doctor for a referral in your region. But do this immediately Brian. If left unchecked this condition will continue to worsen over time. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
My friend changed after her daughter died...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My good friend Denise was involved in a horrible tragedy. Two years ago she was driving her 9 year old daughter home from school. The little girl wanted to show her Mom a project in the back seat and Denise gave her permission to unbuckle her seat belt to climb in the back. At that moment a car veered into their lane causing a head on collision which left Denise unharmed but killed her daughter.
Since that day she has become a different person. She used to be nice, sweet and lovely. Now she's mean, almost abusive, to her other daughter and has started drinking, smoking and having affairs with men. She's also had 12 plastic surgeries during this time. All of us, friends and family together, are trying to be supportive, but she's slowly driving us away. What can we do?
Suzy
Hi Suzy,
Few of us can imagine the pain that any parent would be suffering in this scenario. The first thing that you must understand about your friend Denise is that at this time she blames herself for the accident and she hates herself so much that's she's trying to become a different person in every way possible. Just as she is slowly driving friends and family away she is also trying to drive herself away. Between the plastic surgeries and lifestyle changes she is well on her way. I see this personal hate frequently after a tragic event such as this and in the end I tell my patients one of two things will happen. It will get the best of you or you will get the best of it. I find it amazing that you can never predict the psychological survivors in a scenario such as this.
Certainly the seatbelt issue was her decision and it wasn't a good one but what's done is done, and it is what it is. The only question now is where does Denise go from here? So, first and foremost Denise needs to be evaluated for a chemical imbalance by a psychiatrist. Next she definitely needs counseling to help her cope, heal and find peace. She is currently on the edge and is close to totally losing her former life and all those that love her. But remember Suzy, what you see on the outside is very different to what's going on inside her head. The Denise you all knew before the accident may never return again, but if you, her family and friends focus on helping her get professional help, helping her to forgive herself and helping her turn her grief into a focus on her other daughter, her husband and life itself, then she may over time find peace and begin to enjoy the love and goodness still left in her life. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
How do I find the right counselor...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I would like for my family to have a check up with a counselor to discuss important issues that are affecting our family. How do I know which counselor to use? Are they all qualified in family counseling? Are some better than others? Does gender of the counselor matter? And would you recommend one in my area?
Dean
Hi Dean,
Asking me to recommend a counselor would be like asking me to tell you what type of car to buy. Personal preference is everything. So, just as you would spend time and effort to research a new car purchase you have to do the same when choosing a therapist or even a Doctor for that matter.
Here are a few pointers. First, get names from family and friends, do a Google search for counselors and look in the phone book. Next, call several therapists and make sure they do family therapy, many do not. Also, verify that they are LICENSED by a professional agency . Finally, discuss your situation over the phone to make sure they can help. If all sounds good then set up an appointment with your favorite. The most important point here is that rapport is everything. If you don't feel comfortable with the therapist or the advice then you need to bring this up immediately. After all, you are the customer who's buying a service.
One final piece of advice: therapy is not magic or complicated and the advice is typically just good old common sense - think of it as having a tour guide for your self. Take Care.
Dr. Archer
I can't deal with my paraplegic husband...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband is a paraplegic, the result of an operation on the spine. This was almost 6 years ago. Currently he has osteomylitis and is on home IV antibiotics. He seems to be doing much better but refuses to leave the house, unless it's for a medical appointment He sits in one position all day, refuses to use the wheelchair and is very irritable and constantly cold. He does not want to do any sort of exercise or even have a conversation. He expects me to wait on him hand and foot. I do not mind doing things but he can be very sarcastic. Is he depressed or am I? What should I do?
Shirley
Hi Shirley,
One analogy I often use is that in life, as in a poker game, you can't control the cards you are dealt, only the way you play the hand. The situation for both of you is clearly difficult on many levels, and to be honest, I suspect you are both depressed.
Depression is rooted in genetics and we all have varying levels of susceptibility, but the trigger for a true chemical imbalance depression is often stress, which is clearly apparent here. Okay, now what to do. As strange as this will sound Shirley, you have to take charge of yourself and your own mental health, before you can help him. That's right, you must be selfish.
First, do you have a clinical depression? The symptoms to look for include poor sleep, low energy level, lack of interest in activities, feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, crying spells, over/under eating and more. Go see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and, if needed, get medication treatment for depression. Your mind needs to be clear and sharp to make the decisions and have the discussions that are coming up.
Next, think about your life and what you want. Since I suspect you would like to stay with your husband and at least give it a go, you now have to have "the talk" with him. First, make a list of what you see as problems and how you would like things to change. Tell him you love him and you know how difficult this is for him, but that it's also tough for you. Tell him that you want to stay with him and don't mind caring for him, but that you have needs as well. You want to get out of the house together once a week, go to movies, dinner, etc. Also, you need open and honest communication with him, no sarcasm, and an occasional "thank-you" so that you feel needed. Tell him you were evaluated for depression and want him to be as well. Stress that to make this work will take effort on both sides, and that you're willing to try if he is.
Finally tell him that unless things change you'll never be happy in the current situation. Give him some time to think after the talk and perhaps come up with a list of his own. These are huge issues that can't be decided overnight and the discussion can be ongoing. After the above, hopefully things will change for the better, but what if they don't? Then it's time for more life decisions: do you stay or go? Do you wish to stay married in the current scenario? These are huge questions filled with the sense of obligation you must feel, and the potential for guilt and recriminations.
Let's be honest, some individuals are natural caretakers and could thrive in this type of situation. Others are not. If you hate your life and resent your husband and his situation, you need to understand this and discuss it with him while pointing out the lack of change. Paraplegics can and do take care of themselves every day so who's to say whether he would be better on his own or even possibly finding someone else? And finally Shirley, most importantly you also have the right to be happy in life. Good Luck.
Dr. Archer
I fell for him on-line...
Dear Dr. Archer,
What do you do when you meet online and you hit it off more than you ever have with anyone else? Then after two months of e-mailing and talking on the phone, the guy sees a new picture of you and says he wants to wait to meet in person until you lose some weight. Sure I may be about 20 pounds overweight, but I'm far from obese. I'm 38 and he is 35. He wants to 'be friends' and 'see how the weight thing goes'.
My instinct tells me to forget about him, but I've never felt such an easy connection with someone before. Should I lose weight and give him a chance?
Pam
Hi Pam,
So, you've met your soul mate online and the connection is perfect..... as long as you lose 20 pounds? And you want to know if you should give him a chance? Really Pam? How can this possibly be right? You're thinking about the incredible chemistry and he's thinking he won't even meet until you lose weight? Trust me on this. The online dating world is deceptive. How can you possibly believe you have a bond with a man you've never met? No matter how wonderful the e-mails, engaging the phone calls and perfect the pictures..... you can't have a true connection with anyone until you meet in person.
Online dating is the first step, but you need face time to confirm that it's real. Trust your instinct, tell him to have a great life, and move on. Good Luck
Dr. Archer
My boyfriend freaked out about me seeing friends...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I've been dating a guy from another town and we've been talking about him moving here and getting a job and living together. Last week we were making plans and I told him that I still wanted to go out with my girlfriends once or twice a year. He freaked out and started yelling and said no way that we were a couple now and would only go out with each other. We argued and then he left and he's still furious and will barely speak to me. Am I wrong to want to spend occasional time with my girlfriends?
Justine
Hi Justine,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Going out with your friends once or twice a YEAR is the cause of a huge fight? My first thought is that this guy is wound too tight for living and to get out now. But let's analyze this in more detail.
First, you are correct to discuss expectations with a prospective live in boyfriend. This can help set the tone if both partners have realistic expectations about what the ground rules are before they move in together. Several aspects of your boyfriend's response are concerning, to say the least. First, "he freaked out". This was a discussion; the fact that he over reacted is a giant red flag.
Second, he "started yelling". If he gets so mad over a small issue such as this what will happen when you guys have a major fight over a big issue, like... what's for dinner?
Third, being a couple doesn't mean you always have to spend every minute together. Doesn't he have friends or hobbies he wants to pursue without you on occasion? I guess not!
Finally, "he left and he's still furious" and "he will barely speak to me". He needs to apologize to you and then attend anger management therapy. So Justine, you're clearly not wrong to want occasional time with your girlfriends. Every couple has different needs concerning time together, alone time, time with friends and time devoted to hobbies.
All of the above need to be discussed in an open and honest format and compromises made if needed. If he can't do that with you then it's time to abandon ship now, and let him know the reasons why. But, as for now don't move in together!
Good Luck, Dr. Archer
I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum...
Dear Dr. Archer,
After two years of dating, I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum: if he didn't ask me to marry him within three months, I was leaving. Just two months later, he says, 'I'm not ready for marriage, but how about we live together?' Should I accept this as progress, or stick to my original demand for marriage?
Jackie
Hi Jackie,
Ultimatums in relationships rarely work, so don't use them. Why? Well, are you really prepared to follow through with the consequences here and risk losing your relationship forever? For most the answer is "No Way!".
Let's analyze this. Your boyfriend is offering a legitimate compromise, yet he's not proposing marriage and therefore to be true to your word you would have to leave. On another note, I wonder why the rush to get married? This is the perfect chance to have a test drive and see how things go. After three months of living together you may be running for the exits screaming "what the hell was I thinking!?" So accept his offer, give it some time and then reassess. But remember Jackie, no more ultimatums.
Take Care, Dr. Archer
My husband had an affair before and during our
marriage...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Two years ago I discovered that my husband had been having an affair with the same woman both before and during our whole entire marriage. I left him only to discover I was pregnant and we got back together. I've had the baby but the marriage is still going poorly and I became so terribly depressed that I couldn't function. I saw my doctor and was recently put on antidepressants which are working. I am slowly getting back to normal but my question is what do I do about the marriage?
Lyndee
Hi Lyndee,
The answer at this point is absolutely nothing. You've clearly suffered a major chemical imbalance which fortunately is being corrected by medication. But it takes time for brain chemistry to stabilize, sometimes months. So right now you need to be totally selfish. Focus on yourself and get healthy and strong. Only then should you address the marriage issue and your first decision must be: Do I really want to be married to this guy?
Let me see if I can help you analyze this and point out some observations. You've been married several years and ....... your husband had an affair the whole time? I know this sounds mean, but have you ever wondered why he married you? Was it down to two and you won while she got runner up and got to be his mistress? And finally you got back with him because you became pregnant? OK, here's the deal. I admire you because you've proven that you had the strength and conviction to leave when you first discovered the affair. The fact that you've had a baby doesn't change the underlying reality of the marriage. Do you really think you could ever trust him again? You need to understand that this is about the deceit rather than the other woman.
So my advice is very simple. Wait until you are totally healthy, consult an attorney and then: Kick him to the curb and don't look back.
Good Luck, Dr. Archer
My friend is a compulsive liar...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My friend is a compulsive liar. I have told her this, but she denies it. She lies about everything, everyday. Big things like her mother having breast cancer, her father's top secret job with the government. Little things like who she just talked to on the phone or what she made on a final exam. She has been losing all her friends because of her lying. She's just in college now, but she'll never succeed later in life if she doesn't start telling the truth.
My question is, why does she lie and how can I get her to see how this is ruining her life and stop?
Katie
Hi Katie,
The easiest and most accurate way to look at compulsive lying is like an addiction. It's easy to see that this is an impulsive behavior like compulsive gambling, compulsive shopping or compulsive eating, but it is also similar to other addictive behaviors like binge drinking or drug abuse. Psychologically, all of these compulsive activities can be used as a way to deal with stress in one's life, i.e. it's easier to tell lies (or eat/drink/gamble/shop) than to confront the real underlying issue of a situation, or deal with life in general. Of course, the more you lie, the more you have to keep lying to defend the previous lies, so it becomes a vicious cycle. All you can do as a friend is to point out to her every single lie, and say, "You know that's not true," and then ask, "Why did you say that?" I also recommend counseling, since this can be a very difficult condition to treat if left unchecked.
Finally, my personal view is that all addictive conditions are linked by impulsive/compulsive behavior, and thus can respond to medication. There is no strong evidence that medication works for compulsive lying, but a trial of medication could definitely help this condition, especially if other psychiatric symptoms are present.
Good Luck, Dr. Archer
I met my guy on-line and he didn't take his dating profile down...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I met someone online recently. We get along great and enjoy each other's company. We've been dating for four months and spend a lot of time together. I was on the computer with a co-worker today. She was hoping to find a guy like I did. Imagine my surprise when my guy's profile came up in her search, and it showed he had recently been active. I'm not really sure how to react, if I should react at all. He may have just been curious or bored and decided to look at his account. We haven't discussed being exclusive, but I thought we were progressing to that point. I know I'm not still looking. What, if anything, should I do?
Lindsay
Hi, Lindsay,
Well, as you can see, on-line dating has certainly changed the relationship landscape. Mostly this is for the best as there is much more male/female equality, and both sexes are putting their profile up on the web for worldwide review. Also, the number of potential partners is infinitely greater. But along with this freedom comes the potential for abuse. For example, a married person could easily use the web to find dates all over the country as they travel for business. So you have to always be aware that what individuals portray on the web may not always be accurate.
Now, in this case, since you haven't discussed exclusivity, you have no right to assume it. You need to bring this up. Tell him it's been four months and you want to know where things stand. If he states he's not ready to be exclusive, then you have your answer and you'll have to decide where you go from there. However, if he's ready to be a couple, then you both need to agree to take your profiles down. You can't have it both ways. Although I've talked to many patients who say, "Oh, I leave my profile up just to talk with the friends I've met online," I don't buy it. You can talk with these new friends by phone or email. A profile still up on a dating site means you're still looking - period.
Take Care, Dr. Archer
Can an unhappy marriage cause depression...
Dear Dr. Archer,
Can an unhappy marriage affect your health and cause depression? How and what should I do?
Jeanie
Hi Jeanie,
Any type of stress can predispose you to not only psychiatric problems but affect your physical health as well and obviously an unhappy marriage is stressful on many levels. The mechanism is complex but a simple explanation lies in the hormones and chemicals that the body and brain release when stressed. This can lead to depression, anxiety, increased blood pressure and weakened immune function. One key to a long healthy life is to reduce stress whenever possible.
My advice Jeanie is to address your unhappy marriage as soon as you can. You deserve to be happy.
Good Luck, Dr. Archer.
My fiance doesn't know I had a baby...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am engaged to be married. Four years ago, I had baby and gave the baby up for adoption. I know I made the right choice, but I have not told my fiancé about this. Only a few close family members and one friend know about this part of my past. Now that we're engaged, I'm wishing I had told him sooner and I'm afraid to tell him now. What should I do?
Katie
Dear Katie,
In this case, the cliché does apply:honesty is the best policy. Your past has a way of continually rising up in a relationship when you least expect it - especially when so many others know the "secret". If you try to hide this aspect of your past, certainly someone or some circumstance will reveal this to your fiancé/husband in the future. Your past is a part of who you are today.
You made the best decision for yourself and your baby at the time, and this is definitely the type of information that you should share with the man you are choosing as your future lifetime partner. You'll just have to explain the circumstances and your fears about why you haven't told him until now. If he loves you and the relationship is meant to be, he will understand. If he doesn't, then it would be much better to find this out now, rather than later. So Katie, now's the time to do the right thing even though I know how scared you must be.
Good luck, Dr. Archer
I am in love with my best friend...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I don't really think you can help, but maybe you can give some advice to help me through this. I am 30 and in love with my best friend, a 29-year-old woman. We've been best friends for 10 years and I just woke up one day and realized I loved her much more than a friend. I think these feelings had been growing for years. I was so excited to tell her, but she does not return my feelings. I'm just devastated. She wants to remain friends and keep hanging out like we always do. I don't think I can do it and she doesn't understand. I feel like I'm losing the love of my life and my best friend, but it hurts a lot to be around her knowing she doesn't return my feelings. She doesn't think it's fair to lose me as a friend because my feelings have changed. Any advice?
Brian
Hi Brian,
Yes, I can definitely give you some advice. The first rule of long term male/female friendship is that there is always, ALWAYS, one person who has stronger feelings than the other. Also, typically both parties realize this, understand the status quo and leave it unspoken between them. While one enjoys things just the way they are, the other is hoping that one day a love will blossom. This allows the friendship to continue over time.
I agree that you have always been the one with thoughts of a relationship rather than friendship even though it took several years for you to consciously grasp this. But, now that you've voiced your opinion, things will never be the same. Here's why: When you're in love with someone and that love is not returned it is virtually impossible to remain friends, it just hurts too much.
Also Brian, now that you feel this way, there's no going back. Here's what you should tell her: "Look, I love you very much and there's no way I can remain friends at this point when I want so much more. It just hurts too much. I understand you don't feel the same, and I respect that. I need you to respect my feelings as well, and I have to move on. Maybe one day I'll get over you and we can be friends again after enough time has passed." There's a very, very slim chance that the thought of losing the friendship will cause her to reconsider, but don't count on it. Tell her now and get on with your life.
Good Luck, Dr. Archer
Our personal lives suffer for our careers...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband and I are both very career-oriented and have high-level management positions. We love each other, but our personal life is paying the price for our career success. Long work hours, the stress of deadlines, and too little time off to unwind together are causing us to lose our connection. Can you give any advice on how we can focus on our careers without sacrificing our marriage?
Denise
Hi Denise,
Well, I guess I have to give you the classic psychotherapy answer first: You have to plan quality time together as opposed to quantity; set one night a week aside as date night no matter what; plan periodic weekend getaways, give small gifts to each other every week, such as a card or rose; say I love you often; pick a TV show you both like every night and take the time to watch it together; eat breakfast together every morning before work.....you get the idea....
Now let me give you my personal opinion. We each only have so many hours in the day to devote to what we do. If your goal is to be ultra-successful at work to the exclusion of all else, then logic would dictate devoting 100% of your waking hours to work no matter what. There are many individuals who are that driven, and they typically are extremely successful. However, for most of us, that's not realistic.
So you both have to decide how much of your time you are willing to devote to work, and how much to your relationship. Homework: you and your husband need to think about this separately and then discuss. Actually put a percent number to it. You may pick 80% work, 5% marriage and 15% friends/others. He may pick 90% work, 9% marriage 1% friends/other. The numbers are important so you both know where you stand. Any percentage can work in a relationship if both parties agree to it. But, you may be surprised at the results. A compromise may be indicated so needs are met on both sides.
In closing, let me say that having a marriage with two upwardly mobile, career driven partners is very difficult to maintain. Constant communication and discussion of goals and needs is a must.
Good luck, Dr. Archer
My cousin is gay...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a cousin that just told our family he is gay. Most of the family has suspected this for years, and supports him. My grandfather insists that this is a mental condition and swears that psychiatrists say the same thing. I know he reads your column. Can you please help me explain to him that being gay is not a psychiatric disorder?
Randy
Hi Randy,
Psychiatrists and other mental health professionals agree that homosexuality is not an illness, mental disorder or emotional problem. Much objective scientific research over the past 35 years shows us that homosexual orientation is not associated with emotional or social problems.
Your grandfather may be basing his belief that it's a psychiatric disorder on historical views of homosexuality. Several decades ago homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness because the only research available to professionals was biased due to the fact that the studies involved only lesbians and gay men in therapy. When researchers later examined data about gay individuals who were not in therapy, that myth was dispelled. In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association confirmed the importance of the new research by removing the term "homosexuality" from the official manual that lists all mental and emotional disorders.
In 1975 the American Psychological Association passed a resolution supporting this action. Both associations urge all professionals to help dispel the stigma that homosexual orientation was a disorder. Then the original declassification this decision has subsequently been reaffirmed by numerous research studies. Mental health experts now agree that sexual orientation is not a choice, but is shaped for most of us at an early age through complex interactions of biological, psychological and social factors.
Dr. Archer
Keeping secrets about having a baby adopted...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I saw your recent response to a woman who had given up a child for adoption years ago but was afraid to tell her fiancé. You advised her to be honest but I disagree with you. I was in a similar situation and told who I thought was my future husband about the baby I had given up. He did not understand how I could do such a thing and was also angry that I had not told him before we were engaged. We eventually broke up. I wish I had never told him. I think some secrets are best kept.
Kristin
Dear Kristin,
You do have a point Kristin, some secrets are best kept - but not one of this magnitude. I stand my by original recommendation, even though your specific situation did not work out as you wished. But just imagineif this information came out after ten years and two children! True, it may never have come to light, but I still believe that honesty is the best policy.
If your fiancé couldn't understand and acceptthe reasons for your actions at the time then what type of husband would he be? This is not the type of issue that you could possibly agree to differ on. I think situations such as this need to be addressed in the middle stage of a relationship.
Relationships develop in stages. In the beginning, the first six months or so, we all showcase our best qualities, and keep any negative aspects of ourselves hidden. Then as we get to know and trust our significant other, we gradually open up more, either consciously or sub-consciously, and show the sides of our personality and life history we might not be as proud of. This is why time is so important in determining whether a relationship can last. This middle stage is when we determine if a long-term commitment will work.
The next and final stage is acceptance and commitment, where you accept both the good and the bad about your prospective partner. If your fiancé can't handle the fact that you gave your child up for adoption and the reasons for your decision, then he is rejecting a huge part of who you are. Ask yourself Kristin: Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? There are obviously certain parts of ourselves we will never share with anyone but something this significant in your life should not be one of them. I think you may one day see the break-up as a blessing.
Take Care, Dr. Archer
I'm bored with my husband...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am feeling really bored in my relationship with my husband of 24 years. I keep wondering what it would be like not to be married. Although he is basically a good guy, he hates socializing, dislikes people in general, and wants to just stay home with me all the time. He encourages me to go out with friends, and I do at times, but he really doesn't like to have anyone over.
Other than these things, he gets upset when I talk about real issues in our relationship, or the fact that I need more romance from him. I need more of a network and connection with people. I know I can't change him, but I am anxious much of the time and feel trapped a lot. I just can't see being with him for the rest of my life if he won't work on changing. Do you have any suggestions?
Josie
Hi Josie,
I can't help but wonder what has changed? You've put up with this for over 20 years, so there must be some things you value about the relationship. So I suspect that YOU have changed, which is OK as long as you understand that. And you are right in realizing that you cannot "correct" someone else's personality or behavior.
So, the answer to your questions lie within you and you must ask yourself the following: What do you expect from your husband? What are you looking for out there in the big wide world? Why has your outlook recently changed? Once you've figured out YOU, then it's time for "The Talk" with your husband.
Make a list of pros and cons about the relationship from your new perspective and go over this with him. Make sure to give as much attention to the pros as you do the cons on your list. Explain that you want to stay married but that these are now crucial issues to you. Make sure he understands that if he won't take them seriously and work on them with you, then you can't see staying with him the rest of your life. If you feel uncomfortable having this direct discussion with your husband or "The Talk" doesn't go well then a therapist could help.
But here's the deal Josie: this won't solve itself on its own and you need to take action now.
Good luck. Dr. Archer
Christmas with my mother-in-law...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My mother-in-law insists that we spend every Christmas at her home in another state and my husband doesn't want to disappoint her. But we recently bought our first home and I'd like to celebrate this Christmas with our two young children here at my own home. How can we resolve this issue without any hard feelings?
Amy
Dear Amy,
Juggling family obligations is one of the many holiday issues that can cause stress and conflict. So, to your specific question: Where to spend the holidays? This is one that you and your husband need to resolve together.
Why not invite your mother-in-law to spend the holidays with you? Make sure your husband is the one to ask and explain the reasons to her. Make sure he points out a few memories about his early Christmases with her and explain that he wants his children to have the same fond memories that he does. Hopefully, she will understand the need for your family to begin creating holiday traditions of your own now that you own a home.
Then you can offer to visit her immediately after Christmas. If she reacts badly, he should simply restate your position respectfully, without being defensive. After the holidays, continue to make an effort to include your mother-in-law in your life throughout the year. A possible compromise is that you could alternate years between your house and hers going forward.
Good Luck, Dr. Archer
Should I marry him...
Dear Dr. Archer ,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have begun talking about marriage. I really love him and believe he loves me. What concerns me is whether or not we'll be a match for life considering our completely opposite outlooks on life. I am an optimist: happy, outgoing and ready to take on life's challenges. He is more cautious and analytical, and in my opinion, cynical. However, we also have a deep, loving connection. I'm torn between love and frustration. Can a marriage be successful when there are such serious differences in personalities?
Kerry
Hi Kerry,
You should definitely address all of these differences with any potential relationship for it to survive and the fact you are considering marriage does not really change the issue. You two are either compatible or not. So you must examine the relationship itself and decide if it's what you want.
That being said, having different outlooks on life doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Any partnership can work, in spite of (or sometimes because of) various differences the two individuals have. Similar tastes in movies, books or food will not hold your relationship together, while different hobbies and passions will not necessarily drive you apart. In fact, the cliché of opposites attracting has some truth to it. We often look for someone to complete ourselves. One who has those qualities that balance our own personality . Opposites may contribute to the chemistry in a partnership, and opposing cultures, tastes and opinions can actually be beneficial by introducing each of you to a whole new perspective.
But here's the deal Kerry: It's time to examine and discuss your differences and decide if your happy, outgoing persona can effectively join with his more introverted outlook. The key to a successful relationship is the art of negotiation, and compromise is the key...But you have to decide if this is what you both want because it will take A LOT OF WORK on both sides and you both have to be willing to recognize and respect your differences. Success will depend on each of you realizing that neither of you can "change" the other person's inherent personality and some differences are so fundamental they won't yield to any amount of negotiation.
You are obviously having some serious doubts about a future with your boyfriend or you wouldn't have written to me. If you feel the differences you have are insurmountable and either cannot be resolved with compromise or would just be too much work then you must reconsider making a lifetime commitment.
Good Luck, Dr. Archer
My wife flirts on-line...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm having a real problem with something my wife thinks is harmless fun. She chats online with men and does not tell them she is married. She says it's just for fun and doesn't hurt anyone because they don't know who she is. She uses a fake name and information. But it bothers me - a lot. In my mind I feel her doing this is like cheating and that I'm obviously not exciting enough for her. She told me she would stop, but I know from checking the history on the computer that she is still doing this while I'm at work. What do you think?
Brian
Hi Brian,
The internet has led to a whole new realm of relationship concerns: email, instant messaging, chat rooms and accessible pornography. There are no hard and fast rules for what is acceptable behavior within a marriage. This applies to everything from saving money, household chores, and flirting with the opposite sex. The key is that you and your wife agree on what the rules are and both stay within those boundaries. It sounds like you both have very different feelings about this issue and I agree with you that most partners would feel her behavior is not appropriate for a married woman.
A further concern is that this obviously bothers you, and although she is aware of this AND said she would stop, she is continuing anyway. This could reflect a lack of respect for your feelings, or maybe she really does not realize how much it bothers you or she may just be bored. So, some direct communication is needed between the two of you. I would advise you to try again, in a non-confrontational manner, to explain to your wife how the online chatting makes you feel, and ask her why she does it. If she cares about you, she should understand your feelings, and the two of you can work together to agree on acceptable boundaries.
Also discuss other issues in your marriage that could be a problem. However, if she refuses to discuss the issue or continues to lie, then I suggest you consider marriage counseling to deal with this and the basic issues of respect and trust. Your other option is to decide you will no longer tolerate her behavior and make plans to leave.
Good luck, Dr. Archer
Getting over divorce...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been seeing someone who is in the process of getting a divorce. He seems to be happy with me but has days of uncertainty. Should I give him healing time or take the relationship as it comes?
Crystal
Hi Crystal,
Well, I think you could give him healing time AND take the relationship as it comes.This is one of those situations where common sense rules definitely apply. You are wise to be cautious.
In general, statistics show that a rebound relationship - a serious connection entered into immediately following the end of a long-term relationship - is more likely to fail than one entered into a year or more after a big break-up. After a split, many people quickly begin a new relationship out of loneliness or to prove that they are still desirable. It's a good idea to wait a year not only to allow emotional wounds to heal, but to also give time to re-prioritize what you want in a new partner. Then you can begin dating again without the heavy load of emotional baggage from a previous break-up.
Another common sense rule to keep in mind is: the longer the marriage and the more traumatic the break-up, the longer it will be before your boyfriend is ready to move forward with a new serious relationship. However, remember that these "rules" are not set in stone, and many other factors can influence the situation.
The man you are seeing is in the process of getting divorced, so my advice Crystal would be to take things very slowly and give him all the time and space needed to work through the emotional situation in his own timeframe. The worst thing you can do is to pressure him to make a commitment. Try to find a balance between giving him space AND being there for him.
Take Care, Dr. Archer
My wife had an affair with a co-worker...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. I love her very much, so much that when I found out she had had a brief affair with a co-worker three years ago, I forgave her. Naturally this was a very difficult time in our marriage, but we were able to work through it and stay together. Now I'm wondering if we are really past it, or if I am.
Even though she has done nothing to make me suspicious since the affair, I constantly question her about where she is going and what she is doing. I call her at work all the time, even though the co-worker she had the affair with has moved away. She says she has been totally faithful since this incident and while I believe her, I guess I don't completely trust her. We're beginning to fight about my lack of trust all the time. How can I really get past my suspicions?
Grant
Hi Grant,
Contrary to popular belief, the majority of marriages that end because of an affair often do so not immediately after the infidelity takes place, but several years later. The reason for this is basically the situation you are describing: ongoing distrust and accusations. Often, when infidelity occurs, there is a need to punish the offending partner, but if this goes on too long, it will lead to a marked deterioration of the relationship and this is exactly what's happening to you.
Dealing with infidelity is a complex situation. For some the decision to walk away is an easy one while for others (as in your case) a decision is made to move on past the infidelity and in this situation, both partners have some serious work to do in order for the marriage to recover. Marriage is difficult enough when dealing with day-to-day issues in the present. Constantly revisiting the past just adds additional stress and serves no useful purpose.
So Grant, it sounds like you have not completely forgiven nor forgotten your wife's affair. If you want your marriage to survive, this is a step you are going to have to take, and it must be done soon. If you still have questions about her behavior, discuss these with her to get a resolution to the incident once and for all. I suggest if you truly believe your wife is faithful, and has been since the affair, then make a conscious decision to forgive her and really leave the past in the past, where it belongs. Otherwise, the chances of your marriage surviving are practically nonexistent.
Good luck. Dr. Archer
How much truth is enough...
Dear Dr. Archer,
How much truth is enough? If a friend asks for the truth, but I know it will hurt her feelings deeply, am I morally obligated to tell her? Withholding the information will not put her in danger. What is my responsibility?
Kellie
Hi Kellie,
Obviously, in an ideal world the answer would be to always tell the truth all the time no matter what. Of course we all know that this is not realistic. Studies have shown that virtually 100 % of the people will tell a "white lie" from time to time to either keep from hurting another or to prevent an inconvenience. Every situation is different. As with many other things in life, Kellie there is a constant balancing act between what your friend has asked, the information she truly needs and the amount of pain that telling her the whole truth would cause. This is not easy, but it is something all of us do on a daily basis, either consciously or unconsciously.
In terms of moral obligation, I will have to leave that to the philosophers. I like to use a realistic perspective. When we can tell the whole truth to someone who has asked a question, and no pain will be caused, then we should always do so. When we need to tell the whole truth in order to give important information, and pain will be caused, but we feel they need to hear the truth anyway, then this would also be a case for full disclosure. However, in those cases where full truth is not needed and would cause great pain, then it may be acceptable to tell less than the full truth in order to keep from hurting someone.
I wish there were an easier answer to this question, but obviously, this is a situation that depends on a variety of factors that you constantly have to weigh in order to come to the best decision. The answer lies within you.
Good luck, Dr. Archer
My husband may not love me anymore...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband has told me he is not sure if he loves me anymore. Needless to say, I was stunned. He says he just doesn't feel anything but is not sure if he wants a divorce. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we've been married 20 years, and it's not a commitment I take lightly. We have four children.
That being said, I'm not sure how long I'm prepared to wait for him to make up his mind. I have my pride also. I'm no longer sure how I feel about him either. I've asked and he will not go to counseling. He is 43. Is this a mid-life crisis that I should wait out, and if so, how long should I wait? Any advice would be appreciated.
Sandy
Dear Sandy,
What a painful situation this must be for you. Unfortunately, it is one I hear about quite often. Although the phrase may be overused, mid-life crisis is recognized as a real experience. It is a time when many of us assess our lives and try to recapture some of the feelings of youth. This may indeed be what your husband is going through.
Obviously, you don't just suddenly stop loving someone. There has to be an underlying cause for his change in feelings, and ideally, this is something both of you could discuss together. However, the most important thing for you to realize Sandy is that you are not responsible for his behavior and you cannot control him or force him to talk to you, work on the marriage or see a counselor. You can only control yourself and your reaction to the situation.
At this point, you need to take care of yourself. Regarding the question about how long you should wait, that's not a decision I, nor anyone else, can make for you. I do think you are wise not to rush into such an important decision. If he won't go to marriage counseling, then you can go alone. This will help you work through your feelings about him and the marriage, and help you make the important decision you need to make. It's possible that once you start going, he may decide to join you, but even if he doesn't, having an objective person with whom to discuss this complex and emotive situation will give you the support you need during this difficult time.
Good luck. Dr. Archer
Is my friend being abused by her husband...
Dear Dr. Archer,
I think one of my good friends is being abused by her husband. He is always criticizing her and lately she has been very subdued and cancelled several of our plans. I noticed a bruise on her arm last week and she quickly pulled her sleeve over it and said she had run into a sharp corner. The bruise looked like fingerprints. I'm afraid to say anything but I want to help if I can. What should I do?
Sheila
Hi Sheila,
Your reluctance to mention your concern is understandable, since you run the risk of being wrong, embarrassing yourself and/or offending your friend. However, you should trust your instincts. I find that in most cases where spousal abuse is suspected, it's actually taking place. National statistics show that there are more than 10 female victims per 100 couples every year (>10%). And abuse is not just physical. Emotional abuse, on its own or in conjunction with violence, is also very common. Victims of physical abuse commonly try to hide the evidence, stay out of sight until injuries heal, or blame the injury on an accident. With emotional abuse, the signs are even less apparent. The abuser is often cruel, hurtful, critical and controlling, and the victim feels trapped and helpless.
So how do you know if your suspicions are correct? The signs you mentioned are classic. Others to watch for include being overly quiet or deferential around her husband, quickly ending phone conversations without explanations, and increasing isolation from friends, family and regular activities.
So Sheila, here's what you must do: Gently broach the subject with your friend. Tell her you care about her and respect her privacy, but are concerned. Given the fact she hasn't shared her problem with you before, there's a good chance that she'll deny there's anything wrong, at which point it's best to give her space to consider what you've said and whether to trust you. Work to maintain regular contact with your friend and bring your concerns up at a later date - but don't give up. Remind her that she has you as a resource and that you're there for her if needed. However, if she does admit that abuse is occurring then it's time to get her out immediately. Every community has a hotline for battered women and this would be the next step to take to help with the logistics of getting her to safety.
Take Care, Dr. Archer
My neighbor screams at night...
Dear Dr. Archer,
My question is about a neighbor. I live in a townhouse. My adjoining neighbor is a single mother with two children, a grade-schooler and a toddler. I have a small background in psychology studies, but I do not over estimate my abilities. When I cross paths with my neighbor, I can sense, and see in her face unhappiness and anger.
Here's my concern. Just about every night, I hear her screaming, usually with profanity at her children. The children are usually screaming and crying profusely. I can hear it over my television. I can't tell if there is physical abuse, but it definitely has to be mental. I really feel she is projecting whatever problems she has on these children. As a once verbally abused child, it breaks my heart. I can only imagine what these kids' lives are like, and the long-term effects she'll have on them.
Is this something reportable, if there is no physical abuse? I'm considering trying to visit with her, but my guess is it will be unwelcome. Any suggestions?
Bobby
Hi Bobby,
All states in America have a mandatory child abuse and neglect reporting law. The duty to report suspected child abuse applies to anyone who has reason to believe that a child has been or is likely to be abused or neglected, or may need protection. The situation that you describe is grounds for, at the very least, a "look-and-see" by Child Protection Services (CPS). I would not recommend that you confront your neighbor on your own. This is a situation best handled by trained experts.
Regardless of whether actual physical abuse is taking place, it sounds like verbal abuse is definitely occurring, and therefore the potential for physical abuse exists. You do not need to be certain that a child is in need of protection to make a report. "Reasonable grounds" are w
