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I get nervous in crowds and driving over bridges...

Dear Dr. D,
I am 31 years old. All my life I have avoided crowds whenever possible. They have made me uncomfortable for as long as I can remember, and never considered it abnormal behavior. When I am in a crowd, I look ahead to see how far it is to an open space, and try my best to make my way through the crowd to get there. Other than that, I have never had a physical reaction.

The other day, however, I was at a function for my daughter. The hallway outside was congested with parents. My heart started racing, my body warmed, and I began to sweat from the forehead. I couldn't wait to find an open space.

The strange thing is, the same thing happened to me the other day when I was driving over a bridge, alone in my car. I kept imagining my car getting a blowout and me being trapped in one of the lanes. My heart beat was so fast I could feel it in my throat and I started sweating on my forehead and hands. As soon as I was over the bridge, it went away. I've considered that perhaps I am claustrophobic, but I have no problem riding in elevators or being in small spaces, as long as there is no one in my personal space. Should I be concerned? Will this get worse?
Kelly

Hi Kelly,
I think you started with social anxiety disorder, (anxiety about social situations), which is getting worse. It may have progressed to the point that now you could be developing some mild panic attacks. Please see my panic attack video in the "See Dr D" section of this website for an explanation of this.

Essentially, you need to seek treatment for a psychiatric condition when a behavior or reaction to a condition affects how you choose to live your life. It sounds like you are still able to do what you want to do. Merely understanding that you do have a mild condition and knowing what to expect may be enough to prevent this from progressing.

However, Kelly, if this condition gets worse, then you definitely will need a psychiatric evaluation. Panic attacks are extremely treatable, especially when caught early. In addition, here are some tips on staying calm when facing a stressful situation:

Breathe: The average person only uses twenty percent of their lung capacity. To pause and take deep breaths offers your body many benefits, including increased energy, increased blood circulation and relaxation. Breathe in deeply through your nose, and exhale through your mouth slowly.

Relaxation Techniques: You can learn to use guided imagery. Imagine a peaceful setting, a favorite place or perhaps a favorite song and focus on it. Again, concentrate on your breathing and feel the stress ease from your body.

Talk to family and friends: These are the bonds that help define who we are. Family and friends care about you. They are the network that give you comfort and support. Perhaps you could have a family member or friend accompany you to a situation that you suspect may be challenging. Let them be aware of your anxieties. And remember to breathe slowly and deeply. It's free and it has countless benefits to your mind and body. Good luck, Kelly.
Dr. D

 

 

 

 

Hi Shiva,

The first step in correcting a problem is recognizing that we have a problem. So, you've done that. Now what? First you must decide that you want to change and dedicate yourself to doing so. Here are some tips to make it easier.

In summary this is like any other behavior in life. If you want to change it and make it a priority you can change it. Also remember that good communication skills take practice, so after a conversation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went and how you could do better next time. Good luck

Dr. D

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Hi Annie,
I think you are going through a grief reaction over the loss of your mother. All of the symptoms you describe could be related to this loss. No one understands the loss of a parent until it happens to them, especially as young as you are. I could say this is normal, but in your case, it seems to be bordering the extreme, and it has me concerned.

My suggestion, Annie, is for you to talk to other people about your loss, including family and friends. Speak about your mother openly, and with joy and remember all the good traits she possessed. I'm sure she was a wonderful woman. Don't be afraid to be sad, but at the same time, make a promise to yourself that for every sad moment you have, you create some form of happiness in your life, even if it is to do a good deed for another. I always point out to folks after the loss of a loved one that the last thing in the world that individual would want, would be for you to be dysfunctional after their death. Life is for the living, so remember that you must take charge of your own life and move on.

The only issue to decide here is whether you have developed a chemical imbalance of the brain as well. If you continue to suffer and  physical symptoms like poor sleep, low energy, pounding heart, upset stomach and racing thoughts are present , then you would need a psychiatric eval. Good Luck.
Dr. D

Ajay

Hi Ajay,
There are two issues to address here. First, I will tell you that in the grand scheme of things, being bald means nothing. Many men opt for a shaved head look these days by choice. So, you must first come to terms with who you are and accept this aspect of yourself. Maybe it's time to see your hairdresser and try out the shaved head look?

Next, let's talk about the girl you like. The best way to make an impression on this woman is to be yourself, enjoy her company and be her friend. If she likes you, it will be because of who you really are, not because of some contrived image of you. As your friendship continues, you may eventually want to have a talk to discuss how you feel but believe me there is no rush for that.

The most important clue in your story, Ajay, is that you blame baldness for what you've done with your life. There are many successful balding men (and women I'm sure). Take the time to evaluate what you've wanted in your life, and why you haven't attained those goals. Make a list of things you "could have" accomplished if only you had hair... and then go do them! It’s your choice and all just a state of mind.
Dr. D

  My ex is following and threatening me...

 

Amy

Hi Amy,
First, this is not atypical behavior in cases where divorce and children are involved. Not healthy, but not unusual.

Next, as long as you are not doing anything wrong you can continue to live your life as you are doing. You need to make him aware of that. I'm assuming that with the custody issues, you have an attorney involved. Be sure you keep your attorney informed about what is going on.

Finally, Amy, you must have a talk with your ex and tell him exactly what you told me. That you are doing nothing wrong and that you would like him to stop following and threatening you. Also, tell him you will keep your own log from now on and that if he doesn't stop these activities, you will give this information to your attorney, file a restraining order, (which the courts will usually grant in divorce cases), and if he doesn't cease, then you will seek full custody.

Frequently, exes look at this type of game as a way to maintain contact. You need to let him know this is no game and that legal consequences are coming unless he lightens up. Unfortunately all of this will take time to work out so hang in there and take it one step at a time.

Dr. D

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My step daughter is sexually out of control…

 

Dear Dr. D,
I have an 18 year old stepdaughter who already has two children. Her life is spiraling downhill. She had been molested by her mother's brother and taught to steal by her mother. We received custody of her at three years of age, and she has been with us since. At the time we lived with my husband's mother.

Until my stepdaughter was ten, we had no problems with her. She was involved in school and extracurricular activities. On her tenth birthday I asked her what she wanted. She replied that she wanted to spend Easter break with her mother to get to know her. I sent her to visit for 2 weeks. Without our knowledge, her mother sent her to her other grandmother after a month. She returned six months later.

Since then it has been one problem after another. Her grades fell. She wasn't interested in school and she became boy crazy. Two years later we found out she was raped by her mother's boyfriend during her visit and her mother made her keep it a secret. She started skipping school to be with boys.

We took her out of public school and put her in private school. The promiscuity continued. She was on the track team, her grades were picking up, and her principal liked her so much that she took her with her to represent the school at various events. One weekend she had a track meet that got her into the nationals. The next morning we woke up and she was gone, leaving a note behind saying she was pregnant, so she dropped out of school in the 11th grade.

We tried to get her to come home but she went from house to house of friends and boyfriends. When she was 8 months pregnant I got my mom to take her in, but she stole from her. We found her an apartment but she didn't pay the rent and wouldn't get a job so she was evicted. When the baby was 9 months we took her back. In January her baby turned one. We found out she was 4 months pregnant. We were so fed up we sent her back to her mother, and now the downward spiral is out of control.

How do I help her without enabling her laziness not to work while at the same time setting an example for my younger ones. I don't want them to think they can move, mess up and just come back home. My 18 year old has nothing now except a one month old and a one year old. What do I do?
Mary

Hi Mary,
On the surface, this looks like a typical tough love case. Your daughter has two children, no job, and doesn't want to take care of her children. But I see something under the surface that makes me concerned.

First, it is evident that your stepdaughter has the ability to excel, she did well in school, excelled in sports, and improved her behavior after a school change. That's a good sign. The promiscuity is a symptom, not the problem.

If your stepdaughter was molested, raped, and told to be quiet about it, chances are she is suffering in a way that you cannot understand. Under no circumstances should she go back to her mother. There are social services (call your local county information line) that can help you find housing and help for her and her children.

 Also, Mary, it is quite possible she has a chemical imbalance depression and medication could help her tremendously. A talk with a therapist that deals specifically with sexual abuse issues wouldn't hurt either. But first, she should see a psychiatrist for an eval as soon as you can convince her to go. However, in the end if she refuses help you can’t make her accept it. Just make sure that you always place the needs of her young children first and if you have any concerns about abuse or neglect then you must report this to child protection immediately.

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  I feel I don't love my husband anymore...

 

Whenever I think about not being married to him, though, I cry for what my daughter would have to go through. She's only 3 years old. I just don't know what to do about this. I often feel like I need to bring up my feelings, and then I think "well, things are not that bad",  when the opportunity presents itself.
Marilyn

Hi Marilyn,
The good news is you are only 5 years into the marriage and you have asked for advice long before the relationship has reached a point of no return; with that being said, you have a lot of work to do and it starts now!

You must have a talk with your husband right away and tell him how you feel. It's very common for a relationship to wax and wane, so it doesn't mean your issues have been solved just because you are having a good day when "things are not that bad" . You need to tell him exactly what you said in your email to me.

Your husband may think things are just great the way they are and unless you tell him otherwise you can't put the blame on him. Once you have opened up you need to give him time to process what you have said. You should also encourage him to bring up any of his own issues.

After you both have aired your thoughts, don't ask for a solution right away. Set up a day and time when you will talk again to discuss both of your reflections on the problem. That will be the time you start working on concrete solutions. You could even enlist a counselor or mediator if you have trouble coming up with answers.

As long as you are both open and honest, this process should go smoothly. If either one of you starts resisting or just won't put in the effort, you could be looking at a potentially relationship-ending situation. Good Luck,
Dr. D

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  I sometimes hit my boyfriend...

 

Dear Renee,
First of all, any patient of mine that says "I hit and I don't know why" is a red flag . If you are this angry without knowing why, then this is a clear indication that the relationship is in trouble. It is never acceptable to use physical violence in a relationship; never. It is irrelevant that you are a female. If the tables were turned, I would be suggesting calling the police. He has every right to do that, and if you have a child, you could lose your parental rights with any number of domestic violence calls. Again, it’s never ok to hit another except in self defense. You are the aggressor in this relationship and that is never good.

I find it interesting that in the same breath as your troubles with your boyfriend, you mention your best girlfriend that wants to develop a loving relationship with you. Why do you mention that? Whether you have any intention of being with your friend, it means something that you have said it is a source of your confusion. Take some time to think, why is this confusing to you?

My suggestion to you, Renee, is to have a separation from your boyfriend; take good care of yourself and your daughter, and think about your feelings for yourself and for your friend. Remember, anger and hitting is not love. I suspect that you are not truly happy in this relationship and that you are trying to make it work for all the wrong reasons. Often alone time is needed to figure everything out. Take care.
Dr. D

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  My husband thinks I am here just for him...

 

Hi Loretta,
First of all, I certainly can't diagnose your husband as a narcissist based on what you've told me. Second of all, that's not the issue here and hence it is not really important.

The key to your story is that you are starving for love and affection and that your husband refuses to discuss this with you and then tells you to get a divorce if you're unhappy. Obviously, based on this, he is willing to put no time or effort into this relationship. A good rule to remember here is to never make someone a priority when to them you are merely an option.

Thus, you have to look to yourself for the answer, and you have one decision to make here. Do you wish to stay in this marriage as is, with no love and with a man you can't even have a discussion with? Here's another caveat to remember: The only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for 20 years is staying for 20 years and a day.

So, Loretta, your husband has told you where he stands and now you have to decide. You are clearly caught up in what I call the inertia theory. That means that when you are in a settled relationship, no matter how bad it is, it takes much more effort to leave than it does to stay. My advice is to think about all of this very carefully and then make a decision.

If you decide to stay then you must realize that the relationship will not change. It is what it is and you are accepting that. If you decide to leave, which of course, is what I would advise, then you should make your plans, contact a lawyer and try one last talk with your husband. It could be that once you tell him you are leaving and want a divorce that the thought of losing you will cause him to change, but don't count on that.

My last bit of advice is that every day you think about what you want to do is a day where you are giving tacit acceptance to this relationship. You deserve better, Loretta. Good luck.
Dr. D

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 I’m afraid to marry because I’ve never had sex…..

 

 

Now, I want to do marriage, but I am afraid of the moment when I would be married. I think you are getting my point. My main problem is that as I have no interaction with females so I would be extremely shy to face my bride after marriage, and perhaps I would fail to perform marital activities. now, advice, what should I do?
Ali

Dear Ali,
Thank you for your story; I can assure you that you are not the first young man worried about his wedding night! There are a number of things men worry about: will they please their wife, will they be good in bed, will they be a good provider? The list goes on!

Here's what I can tell you: as shy and worried as you would be, your bride will be even more nervous.. If abstinence and virginity are custom for the men in your culture, I can only assume that the same goes for the women, right? The beauty of marriage is learning together... as long as you treat your bride with love, respect, and tenderness, you will not fail as a husband in any marital activity.

If you have already picked someone to marry, and you are ready to make that commitment then I encourage you to simply move forward, slowly, with your new bride. As long as you approach every challenge together as a couple, you are on the right path Best of Luck
Dr. D

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Hi Ana,
You clearly made a mistake by keeping this from your partner, now what to do? What I wonder is, how strong was the relationship to begin with? A Partner should be someone we can confide in during times of stress, yet you chose to keep this from her?

The first question you must ask yourself, Ana, is why did you not divulge this crucial information to her? Were you afraid she would not understand, perhaps trying to protect her or were you scared to add more stress to the situation? Any of these point out the strong possibility that the relationship was in trouble regardless. That could mean that she was planning this anyway after your vacation ended.

Here's the deal, Ana. You have no control over Donna. All you can do is figure out what you want and what mistakes you have made. Please do not rush the process; give yourself time to do this. Once you are clear exactly what you want (take some time here, at least a week) then contact her and try to have a talk. You can try ONCE a week for several weeks to get a reply.

If she refuses to communicate with you, then you have your answer and you must let it go. If she will talk with you, then you must open up and apologize for the deceit. Tell her you love her and that it will never happen again. Then together the two of you can plan where you go from here, either together or apart. This is a difficult situation and all you can do is take charge of your part. If she doesn't want the relationship to continue then you must respect her wishes and move on. Good luck.
Dr. D

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  I am dealing with a violent stalker...

Hi Susan,
Thank you for contacting me; I am so glad to see that my appearances on HLN are reaching out to those who need help! I feel for you; unless you've actually been subjected to a stalker situation, no one can imagine how stressful and upsetting this is.

Yes, I have treated both stalkers and their victims. You should check out a similar Story I answered (see it in my Advice from Dr D section under personal/relationships. The header is: "I am dealing with a psycho-stalker"), but it was not violent. If you have been physically assaulted, my advice is to continue what you are doing; press charges, and try to avoid this person at all costs.

It sounds like you have had ample contact with Law Enforcement, please make sure you get them behind you; a brave woman should not be punished for coming back to press charges! That logic is absolutely ludicrous and you may need an attorney to help you with that; you are the victim!

If you are in hiding, I would recommend finding a women's shelter that deals specifically with domestic violence; your situation doesn't fit their "mission" perfectly, but they have resources and ideas that I am sure will help you. And they would never say you weren't afraid because you pressed charges, plus if you can’t afford an attorney they may be able to help.

Also, whatever you do prosecute to the full extent of the law. If no one will come to their senses and help you with the legal system in Cheyenne then contacting the ACLU may be a last resort. Here’s their website  for preventing violence against women:  ACLU Violence Against Women.

Usually, stalker cases wind down over a few months time, and you weren't clear in how long this has been going on but don’t take any chances in terms of ever seeing him again.

I would be preaching to the choir if I told you this was stressful... but right now you are in fight mode. Be sure to take care of yourself and remember that after this is all over and you are able to let your guard down, you may experience symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress which may require a psychiatric eval.

Good Luck, and stay in touch.
Dr. D

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  I'm in love and confused...

Dear Dr. D,
There is a girl whom I love very much. I professed my love to her a while back and she was absolutely stunned by the news. We were just friends before that, and it came as a complete shock to her.

From that moment on, we met often and we became very close, both emotionally and physically. However, she never wanted to commit becauseshe said she was "not into relationships". Despite that, I was always there for her, cheering her up, listening to her, doing romantic things for her and basically being a pillar of strength for her.

One of my best friends knows her well, too. They were good friends, even before we met. Recently they both told me that their friendship was in "greyness." She says she feels really close to both of us, except she feels a different kind of closeness which she finds difficult to explain. She is not physical with him in any way. She is confused. I have put my heart and soul into caring and being there for this girl.

The three of us have decided that since this is such an academically important year, it would be best if we all went our own paths for the time being. He is one of my best friends anyway. However, I feel that the emotional baggage is not worth it. What should I do? I know she likes me very much and needs me. Am I supposed to wait? Should we just be friends and wait until our finals and school is over in 5 months?
Confused

Hi Confused.

You have every right to be confused. The only thing certain here is that the girl you love has told you upfront that she is "not into relationships". So, Confused, that means you, as well.

Never make anyone a priority when, to them, you are but an option. At this point you should just be friends. Make it your goal to focus on school, exams and yourself. Time has a magical way of sorting out uncertainties such as this. I suspect that 5 months from now everything will be much clearer to you.

The biggest mistake you could make now would be to force the issue. No doubt you will all have to make some decisions at some point down the road, but there is no rush.
Dr. D

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Annie

Hi Annie:
This is the classic pattern of the abusive partner. Its all about control, control, control! First it's verbal abuse and being able to isolate you from all your friends and family. Next, its emotional abuse, and finally, physical abuse.

Often, as in the case of OJ Simpson or Drew Peterson, murder can be the end result when they realize that they may be losing you. Statistics show that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she decides to leave. Too often, the man will stop at nothing to make sure that that does not happen. Please understand this Annie. No one EVER deserves to be hit. No matter what you may have said, you didn't ask to be hit. And no provocation or taunting you may have thought you did, justifies your being hit. Love is not pain and misery, but rather gentleness and understanding.

You must understand that he has beaten your self esteem down to the point where you feel you cant make it alone. That was his objective all along. But you can, and you will be much better off without him.

I am really worried about you; you need to get out of this now. Start by reconnecting with family and friends. Be open to them and tell them you need help and that you want to leave. Apologize for leaving them out of your life. Talk to your local women's shelter if you need a place to go, then make a plan and leave! Good luck Annie.
Dr. D

 

Dear Anonymous,
It's nice to see someone so young have sympathy for their friends, and a strong sense of right and wrong. Unfortunately, you are in no position to do anything for your boyfriend and his sister except to be supportive and let them know you understand. He is at the age where, if the situation bothers him he doesn’t have to stay, though I would advise that he finish his schooling first. In addition he could get a part-time job to buy new things that he really wants.

Even though it sounds like they are hard on their older children, they seem to have raised good teenagers; the sister worked enough to save a lot of money. That's commendable, but now it is up to her to protect that money as well. At 19, she needs to open her own account, her parents are no longer legally allowed that money.

Parenting doesn't come with an owner’s manual, and often, adults are just as superficial and selfish as children. All you can do is learn from this situation, and remember it when you are an adult.

I can promise you that parents that treat their children this way are eventually paid back when their grown children feel no need to help them at all. A rule of thumb: treat your kids exactly the same way you want them to treat you when they are adults. Best of Luck.
Dr. D

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Hi Gordon,
Just because you find naked women distressing and naked men erotic does not make you gay. But that question would be a good place to start your self analysis. There is a rating system that looks at sexuality based on a 1 to 7 scale with respect to actual life and fantasy life. For example, a pure heterosexual male who only had sex with women and only fantasized about sex with women would rate a reality-1 and a fantasy-1. A pure homosexual would rank a 7/7.

This scale is helpful in cases where an individual is unsure of their own sexuality. In those cases the fantasy ranking may hold the key. You should put some thought into this scale and determine where you fit.

So first, understand that seeing a naked girl when you were 12 in no way, shape or form determined your current sexuality. However, you sound miserable in your current condition and you need to sort this out. I recommend going to see a therapist expressly to determine and become comfortable with this aspect of who you are. Once you get that sorted out I believe everything will be so much easier for you, Gordon. Life is too short to fight against who we are. Start work on this immediately.
Dr. D

 

 

 

Hi TH,

There is no way to know exactly what's going on here but, let's analyze this. First she wouldn't give you her number and told you she wasn't ready for that. Ready for what? If you never had anything more than a friendship, then this makes no sense. She's implying that if she gave you the number then things would progress to more than friendship.

 

Next, you know she still has your number and strongly suspect she's calling you and hanging up? OK, TH, here's the deal. She probably is calling you and refusing to give you her number. Which spells G-A-M-E and she's playing it.

Now you have to decide if you want to play. If you've known her for 16 years, then I have to assume you're both in your mid thirties. Tell me TH, do you really want to be playing these types of games at this age?

You need to get everything out in the open and then you can both decide where to go from here. To repeat though, TH, my first advice is to leave this alone and move on. Thank you for the nice compliment. Good luck.

Dr. D

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  I want to be great and famous one day...

 

I don't want to receive low grades again. It is not what I deserve and I can't betray my parents. They have given me all that they have. I have to live up to not only their expectations, but my own as well. I want to be great and famous one day. Please tell me , how can I recover?
Shia

Dear Shia,
Thank you for taking the time to send me your story. I hear from college students from time to time. Those with the most anxiety have stories similar to yours. You were an excellent student in high school, and found that college was not at all what you expected. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle, and fortunately, there are many things you can do to make your life everything you want it to be.

First, you must realize that you are living your life backwards. You can't just decide that you want to be great and famous with no idea how you're going to accomplish that goal. In addition, you are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Changing schools in the middle of the year and falling for a guy that is not into you are just two examples that you don't know what you want.

So, Shia, first you need to decide what you want to do with your life right now. You must find your passion in life, that thing that makes you the happiest, no matter the money or the fame. Take your time and do some thinking. A guidance counselor provided by the university may assist you in this process. Discuss it with your parents, as well. If you're still not sure, then perhaps taking a year off to work would help you sort things out.

No sense in going to school if you have no idea why you are going. Once you figure out what your passion is, the rest will easily fall into place. You will be amazed at how much happier you are and how much easier everything will be. Live your life in the now. That means deciding what makes you happy, healthy and productive and then throwing yourself into it 100%. Good things will follow. All the best.

Dr. D

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  My father molested his children and grandchildren...

 

Hi Demetrius,
You bring up several points we need to address. First, your childhood does not give you the right to blame anyone for who you are today. We all are responsible for our life, and any attempt to justify or rationalize or blame our behavior on anything other than ourselves is wrong. No doubt your traumatic childhood will always be with you, but you make the decisions now on what type of person you wish to be. You're responsible and in charge of your life. No excuses allowed.

Next, your father has been tried and convicted and punished. You may think it was a slap on the wrist but it's not up to you to decide. That's why we have a legal system. You have to let that go. Then you need to have a talk with him. You need to tell him everything you've just put in this letter. The hate you feel, that he has ruined countless lives, that you will never trust him with young children. You don't need to be hypocritical anymore, you need to be honest. You also need to let him speak and talk about his new found religion. You can decide whether to believe him or not, but you have to hear it first.

 

Then, after the talk, you need to forgive him, Demetrius. Not for him but for you. This is why you are so angry all the time. Your hate for him is making you a hateful man. I'm not saying you have to like him or respect him or love him, but you do have to forgive him. Also, you should never lie to him again. If you don't love him then don't say it. Only honesty from you for now on.

 

Finally, as to your depression, you could have a chemical imbalance of the brain. After all you've been through, it wouldn't hurt for you to have an evaluation by a psychiatrist just to make sure there isn't the need for meds. Good luck.
Dr. D

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  I have an enormous load of responsibility...

Hi Leslie,
First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for doing the best you can. We can't control the cards we're dealt in life...just the way we play the hand. Please remember that none of what you've outlined in your letter is your fault. In addition, your problems are mainly financial in nature so I'm not sure that a psychiatrist is what you need. I remember you from the show and hopefully you've seen some one to address your sleep problem.

I can understand why you could be losing sleep over your situation. So many adults in this country are now taking care of sick and ailing parents. It is a tremendous financial burden, not to mention an emotional one! As a psychiatrist, I can talk to you about dealing with the stress, but I think I have a better idea.

You should not have to bear the brunt of the financial burden of helping your mother. If you are doing the caregiving, often medicare or other aid will pay YOU as a nursing assistant. It's worth asking about. While you are doing some research, does your mother receive disability or Social Security? Have you applied for assistance for food, childcare, or housing? Have you written a letter to your congressmen? There is an entire social network available that provides healthcare, counseling, and help for patients with cancer. Start with a call to your United Way and see if they can guide you in the right direction.

Please know that I am proud of the work you have done and your commitment to your family. I sincerely wish you the best.
Dr. D

 

Dr D,
A girl who went to college with me in the Midwest somehow got my screen name on AIM and began to talk to me. It involved her telling me someone told her I was going to kill her! I was extremely perturbed and I tried to alleviate any concern she might have had, as well as find out who told her this story.

I told her to call me, naively thinking it was a joke someone was playing on us. That's when the calls started. At one point she threatened to tell police I had raped her. It just so happened that at that moment there was an officer next to me, taking a report on her when she sent that message. He called her and told her to immediately stop contacting me.

Gradually things got really ugly. She would follow me, harass me and threaten me, day and night. When I would turn my phone off she would call my friends and family, effectively barring me from canceling my number. I got a restraining order but it did not stop the intimidation. After court, I had detectives escort me to my vehicle, and the psycho was already outside, waiting for me to go to my car.

I went through such severe emotional stress, guilt, remorse, anger, pain. I never pressed charges against her, but sometimes wish I had. I was afraid, however, that if she had time to sit in a jail cell, she'd have plenty of time to plot on making my life hell when she was released. It just furthered my decision to move away and not charge her.

Will she ever stop? I still have nightmares every once in a while where she is trying to kill me, or her asking me to kill her. Things have been relatively quiet for about two months now. I have a feeling that she is going to pop up somewhere and mess up my life again when I least suspect it. How do I erase that chaotic time in my life from my mind? Thanks.
Frustrated

Hi Frustrated,
First a few facts. Most stalkers that are reported to the legal system are men. This is thought to be a skewed statistic, however; many men are proud to have a stalker, brag about it and aren't physically afraid. There are two general categories of stalkers: Those that know their victims and those that don't.

Typically those who don't know their victims tend to be mentally ill, usually psychotic and their focus is usually on celebrities. These tend to have more potential for criminal prosecution. In your case, this girl knows you and this makes it tougher in a legal sense to get much help, as you've seen.

I've dealt with both stalkers and stalker victims in my practice, and your case is only a moderately bad example (though I know for you it's horrible). Restraining orders are seldom helpful when the stalker in question is not violent or physically threatening.

The most extreme example of a case I've treated was a woman who was stalked by her Ex, and she was literally in fear for her life. She ended up changing her name, moving to a new state, getting a new job in an unrelated field, etc. In short she became a new person and told only her closest and most trusted friends and family. The last I heard from her she was doing great, very happy and stalker free.

The question for you, Frustrated, is how far do you wish to go to get her out of your life? Perhaps simply putting a block on your phone and email would be enough? Maybe your family could do the same? Or maybe you want to go the whole way and change your name/identity?

The good news is that most cases I've been involved with eventually wind down over time. It's been 2 months for you and maybe the worst is over. I do sympathize with your plight. Unless you've actually been subjected to a stalker situation, no one can imagine how stressful and upsetting this is. Good luck.
Dr. D

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 My mother-in-law is my employee...

Sharon

Hi Sharon,
I am assuming your company doesn't have an EAP (Employee Assistance plan) in place, or a Human Resources guide on how to handle this type of situation. If so, I'm sure you would have already followed company policy. So here's what you need to do, Sharon. First, you must tell your husband exactly what's happening at work. Inform him of the fact that if his mothers performance doesn't improve, she will lose her job. He needs to understand the problem and that you are counting on his support, as well as his family's support.

Next, you need to review your mother-in-law's job description thoroughly. Make a list of her duties and the expected performance in meeting your company's standards, and be sure to provide her with her own copy.

Next set a meeting and review her past performance with respect to these standards. Be sure to include the good along with the bad. Give concrete examples from your list on what needs improvement. Tell her you will be monitoring her and that you expect her to improve immediately. Have this meeting with her at work and explain exactly what the deal is in a calm and professional tone.

Try to finish the meeting on a good note by giving examples of what she does well. Tell her the two of you will meet again in two weeks to review how things are progressing. Have all of this documented in writing and have her sign the paperwork acknowledging what you have discussed.

After that it's up to her to show improvement. If she doesn't, make sure to document the shortfalls in writing in order to review with her in two weeks. Explain that if there is no improvement by then that you will be reporting this to your boss and that her job will be in jeopardy. Good luck, Sharon.

Dr. D

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  My husband is a porn addict...

 

 

 

Scarlet

Hi Scarlet,
Let's analyze this together. You gave up your kids, your job/career, your home and your country. You feel like a fool, degraded, confused, offended, cheated, trapped, sad, untrusting, angry and you don't like yourself anymore. Your are married and living with a man you don't trust, don't like, fight with constantly and who criticizes everything you do. And you want me to help you understand what's going on?

Scarlet, you know exactly what's going on here and you know exactly what needs to be done. How can this relationship be worth everything you're going through? Don't even think to use the excuse, "but I love him"! How can this be love? This is everything a relationship is not supposed to be. Normally I would advise having a talk and giving a second chance but you've already done that and your trust was violated again and again.

So, Scarlet, you must leave this man now. Go back home, get a new job, reconnect with your family and friends and take care of your children. I don't care how many times you've been married or what others will think about another divorce. We all make mistakes and when we do we must own them, learn from them and most importantly correct them.

Deep inside you know all this I have told you already. I just hope by spelling it out for you that you will gather the strength to act now. Remember the only thing worse than being in an awful relationship for 3 years is to be in one for 3 years and a day. Plan immediately and leave as soon as possible.

Dr. D

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  My best friend dumped me...

 

Arlene

Hi Arlene,
Your friend's behavior is the perfect example of actions speak louder than words. Her actions are telling you all you need to know. Your friend has decided to sever contact with you. It could be for a number of reasons; such as a demanding partner, she has more important friends or perhaps you were never really that important to her to begin with. We just don't know. It is impossible to be a mind reader, especially for someone you haven't spoken with in two years.

It is time for you to let go. You can begin by letting her know how you feel--that you were hurt by her neglect, that is not how friends treat each other and how much you cared. And then, Arlene, you must tell her the friendship is over and stop thinking about her.

 

Remember this: Never make someone a priority when you are merely an option to them. Wish her the best, and then get busy living your own life and move on.

Dr. D

---

  My ex-lover knowingly infected me with HIV...

Regina

Hi Regina,
This is indeed a terrible situation. But, it is what it is, so let's try to see how you can best deal with the aftermath. First you absolutely must report this guy to the police! He knowingly had unprotected sex with you and other woman. You know you are HIV positive, but how many others are out there who are either also positive (and don’t know it) or are about to be exposed?

 

This is a crime and he lost all right to his confidentiality when he infected you without even a warning. Please report him immediately, if not for yourself then for all the other potential victims. But be aware that many activists in the HIV community will try to block you from doing this as they mistakenly believe that the confidentiality should come first with no regard for any future contacts he may infect.

Next, no it is not ‘normal’ for you to have compassion for him, most would not. However it is understandable because you both have the same illness and share a bond because of that and the stigma that goes along with this disease. However, in reality you are worlds apart: You are a victim and he is a perpetrator who deserves to be tried and if found guilty, punished.

But, Regina, with all that being said you must also eventually forgive him. Not for him, but for you, otherwise it will affect you negatively for the rest of your life. You have things to do in your life and holding a grudge against him is not healthy. So, forgive, but never forget and let the legal system dish out his punishment. You must get to the point where you feel nothing for him and forgiveness allows you to do that and to move on with your own life which, with today’s HIV treatments, should be long and hopefully good. You will be surprised what a weight is removed from your shoulders once you are able to forgive. Take care Regina.

Dr. D

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  I feel useless with my life...

 

 

Rita

Hi Rita,
You are making the common mistake of confusing what you do with who you are.

 

First of all, I note this is your second time to try to get into a "prestigious University" and also that your grades are not good. What you just realize, Rita, is that there are thousands of universities to choose from and in your situation I recommend that you make a more realistic selection. Lower your standards on the prestige of the school and just get accepted. 

 

Once you complete your degree and get a job it will be about your performance--not about where you got your degree. I will also point out that going to college/university is not for everyone. For example, Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard to start Microsoft. Many extremely successful folks only have a high school degree and there are various trade schools available where you can learn a skill related to the sciences. So, Rita, there is no doubt that you can find a university to get into.

 

The question you must ask yourself is: Is this really where I want my life to go? You need to do some serious introspection to decide if you're making your choice due to peer/family pressure or if this is really what you want. Remember that most people don't get what they want out of life because most people don't know what they want. Take the time to think this through.

Dr. D

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   My boyfriend calls me stupid, idiot, moron...

However, he doesn't do any house work. I do it all. I do all of the cooking, clothes washing, animal feeding, grocery shopping, etc. I even do some of my own auto work. It does get a little overwhelming but I still love him. I get up at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning to fix him chocolate milk when he wakes me up for it, even though I have to get up at 4:30 to go to work. I have to rub his back for an hour every night or he'll throw a fit. If I refuse to rub his back, he will not let me go to sleep. If he isn't tired he won't turn down the TV, and even turns on more lights in our bedroom. If I complain about the noise and lights, he tells me to go into the living room. I really don't know what to do. Thank you.
Mindy

Hi Mindy,
Look at what you are saying here? You do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, rub his back, cater to his every need AND work to support him while he does nothing? Mindy is this the type of boyfriend you want? How can you love someone who is clearly using you for everything? If I had a dollar for every time I heard a patient justify their foolish actions by saying, "but I love him/her" I would be a Wall street CEO!

This is not love. Love is about mutual care and respect and help. Also you are letting him get away with this! Understand, this is your issue, not his. If we allow anyone to walk on us like that then we are giving tacit permission for this to occur forever and you will be taken advantage of over and over again.

OK, Mindy, what to do. You must immediately have a talk and give an ultimatum. You can look at my video under the "See Dr. D" tab to hear my opinion on giving an ultimatum. I typically advise people to not use them, but this is an exception. If you are working then he must do the housework, shopping etc....If he wants to get a job then you can split up the chores. But you must be clear that you are NOT willing to live like this any longer and that he either will contribute or you will leave- period. Good luck.

Dr. D

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  I want the girl I married back...

 

 

This is year 24 into their marriage. He says WHAT? Now, Dr. D, what is the imbalance? I desperately want the girl I married back...
Kurt.

Hi Kurt,
Yes, Kurt, it is an imbalance......an imbalance of not understanding the difference between past present and future. An imbalance for not recognizing change. We can't turn back the hands of time and end up like we were 5, 10 or 20 years ago. Just as you can't have the girl you married back, you are no longer the boy she married, either. We all grow, mature and, (hopefully), become older and wiser with the years. The key to a happy, successful marriage is to recognize these changes and accept the growth/change in both yourself and your partner. In order to do this you must talk, talk, talk about all of it!

So Kurt, you tell her, "let's talk". I'm sure for every complaint you have about your wife not being the girl you married, she has one about you. We all need to recognize that life is change. If you want to save your marriage you must realize this and act now. First, both of you need to have a desire to try to rescue the marriage. If you do have this, a therapist could be very helpful in the two of you reconnecting to each other once again. The possibility here is that not only could the marriage be salvaged, but it could become stronger than ever. But realize this: No matter what, it will never be the same as it was 24 years ago. Good luck Kurt.

Dr. D

  My boyfriend dresses up in my clothes and makeup...

 

Dear Dr. D:
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 years, and during this time we have been very open and honest with each other, which is wonderful. He likes to wear my clothes and women's clothing in general. Panty hose, dresses, etc... even makeup.

I don't really understand why he does this. I still love him and accept him for who he is, but it really bothers me sometimes, because I feel like I should be the girl, I am the one who is supposed to look pretty and he should be admiring my cute outfit instead of his own.

As open as we are with each other, I have confronted him (this was in the beginning) and asked him if he had feelings for men and that it was okay if he did. He said no; I just like to be pretty like you. Otherwise he does all the normal typical guy things, sports, buddies and all that.

We don't have sex that much either. I think it's going on two months now. But sex has never really been a big thing between us. We are a talking couple and we love being around each other. However, I find it hard to deal with or understand why he does that and sometimes feel disgusted by it. Can you advise me how to deal with this or understand him better?
Mandy

Hi Mandy,
First some details on cross dressing: most psychiatrists do not consider this a psychological disorder unless it interferes with how one chooses to live their life. For example, if a man wanted to go to work dressed as a woman, the consequences could be problematic. Because you gave him the freedom to dress this way, there was no consequence from you.

Interestingly, there is no strong evidence that cross dressers are more likely to be homosexual. Most cross dressers are very discreet and many are married/in a relationship and like to share their dressing up with their partners. Problems usually occur, as in this case, when the partner is resentful.

Mandy, I can’t advise you on how to understand your boyfriend better because that’s really not the issue here. What he does is not a psychiatric problem. True it may be different and weird and eccentric but if he doesn’t want to change then you certainly can’t make him. What you need to focus on is understanding yourself.

You are the one who has chosen to stay in this relationship for 6 years. There must be a reason. Why have you put up with this for so long to suddenly feel disgusted? The key is making a choice. Do you want to keep the relationship as-is or do you no longer feel comfortable with this behavior and do you now want to set some limits?

Only when YOU make a choice can you then go to your partner and tell him how you feel. At that point he may have to make a choice of his own. We can’t control the actions of others. All we can do is let them know how we feel and then chose whether or not to associate with them.
Dr. D

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Now she is with a former worker, and the same things are happening all over again. She recently confessed to me that she was raped by a recent boyfriend. There is so much more to tell, but I would like your thoughts.
CH

Hi CH,
I really don't know what advice you want to hear at this point so I'll state the obvious. You must get out with your son and file for divorce- NOW! Your wife has had multiple boyfriends, one of whom raped her and one of whom got her pregnant. She doesn't come home and then lies to cover it all up. What type of relationship is this? Is this the type of woman you want and deserve as a wife? What about your son? Does he deserve this from his mother?

 

Lost soul.

Hi Lost Soul,
The first step needed to recover from being lost is to realize you’re lost! OK, you’ve done that, now what? First I’m glad to hear you are on medication. However, it sounds like you’re still depressed. Crying, only wanting to sleep, heartache and feeling hopeless are classic symptoms of Chemical Imbalance Depression!

So, first, you need to work with your Doc to treat your symptoms of depression by adjusting your medication. But next, and even more importantly, you have to realize that you are going through an emotional hurricane, due to the loss of a “fitting like a glove" relationship. Think about this! This guy cheated on you, lied to you and then, after you confronted him did it again! Do you really deserve that?

In the end you have to decide, Lost Soul, what do you really want/need/ deserve in this life? Do you want to settle for a lying, cheating boyfriend? Yes, you love him and feel you can’t live without him. Really?? Think about this: Would you prefer to be with a guy like this and accept all the lies and deceit or would it be better to live a life alone until you find a trustworthy, stable mate?

You are confusing love with sex, Lost Soul! You have to realize this and make a choice! You will get over this, but you can absolutely never, ever return to this relationship again!
Dr. D

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  My mother-in-law is ruining my marriage...

 

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  Is it OK for a woman to go out alone...

 

Dear Dr. D,
I am a 55 year old divorced woman in great shape. I recently moved back to a medium sized town 6 months ago and don't know any single friends. I like to go out on occasion but meet the wrong type of men. I am not interested in them at all. I am looking for a professional, mature, full of life man who has a great personality.

Recently I have been thinking of going alone to upscale restaurants and perhaps a bar but wonder how this would look to others? Do people still judge women who go out alone? I would like to meet a companion or even other single females in this town but don't know where to look. I've tried online but have come to the conclusion that is not the place for me.

Are there any types of places you suggest where I could meet single girlfriends to hang with or a male as a companion to start? I am really getting bored and need to get out there and meet people. I am attractive and professional (but not working at this time) but at the same time, I am very outgoing and in my opinion a lot of fun. I wouldn't feel too self conscious going to these places alone just don't want others to get the wrong impression. What do you think?

By the way, I think you're doing an outstanding job here and congrats on this new site! Have you ever given any consideration to a forum for SERIOUS singles on this site?
Maggie

Hi Maggie,

There is absolutely no stigma attached to a woman going out alone in this day and age. However, I think you are looking for friends in all the wrong places. When moving to a new town (or moving back to an old one) the best way to meet people is through your job. Since you're not working right now, an alternative would be through organizations, hobbies, clubs and volunteer work.

I suggest you join a gym, take a leisure learning class at the local college, get involved in charity work, find clubs related to your hobbies, talk to your married friends about friends they know who are single, sign up for wine tastings or get a part time job. It's all about networking and simply going to a bar or restaurant by yourself is not the best way to do that.

You'll find as you meet one or two new friends that you will become friends with their friends and then you'll have people to go out with where you'll meet more friends. As for a forum for singles, I think the dating sites have that covered. Perhaps I'll do a blog about this and get some feedback. Good luck.
Dr. D

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  I don't understand why a married straight man goes to a gay club...

 

Dear Dr. D,
If straight married men are out partying with their wives and quite regularly prompt a hop over to the gay/lesbian bar “to check out the lesbo girls’’ for reported purpose of ‘entertainment’; what is the likelihood that one or more of the men has some real interest or attraction of a serious nature?
I guess I’m asking is it normal for a 40/50 yr. old married straight man, drunk or not, to suggest ‘checking out the lesbians"? I’m far from normal but I’m definitely a female and I can tell you – it NEVER crosses my mind to check out a female or to drag up at a lesbian bar, check it out, hangout or whatever…..NEVER. But I don’t know how men’s brains are wired. Since you are a man and a shrink you are the perfect person to answer the question truthfully.
Bella

Hi Bella,
First of all there is no normal here. If the guys want to go AND their wives agree then that’s their business. Though I would ask this question: “Why would a straight married man in his 40s- 50s repeatedly want to go to a gay/lesbian bar?” The answer here is that he’s interested……in either the girls OR the boys at this type of establishment. Going to a bar like this once or twice out of curiosity is one thing, going repeatedly is indicative of interest. However my advice to you Bella is to leave this alone. Don’t get involved in the personal lives of husbands and wives even if one, or both, are your friends.
Dr. D

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Dear Dr. D,
I am 22 years old, I live with my parents and have not moved out because I am still currently a full time student. I work 36 hours a week. I've been working in order to save money to move out and buy a vehicle. My parents don't ask me for money because I don't make very much, but I do try to help them when I can. My problem is my parents.

I am an adult now, but it seems like they don't understand that. It's been difficult to save money to move out because of school. Recently my mother was upset because I came home at 9pm. I ride the public bus. She told me I need to pick either school or a job, because she doesn't want me coming home "late". Is it normal that my parents give me a curfew at my age??? I don't know what to do, I can't move out because I don't make enough, because they don't allow me to get a better job, that will require me to come home later. I don't know if you can answer my question, but I don't know what to do.

My mother worries too much and tries to control my life. I feel like I will never do anything with my life because they hold me back. This is causing my depression to get worse. I hope you can give me some advice. Thank you very much.
Jackie

Hi Jackie,
First you must understand that you are an adult and therefore no one can hold you back. Many young people go to school, have a job and support themselves so you cannot have any excuses here. It's your life and you make the choices.

However, there is no doubt your parents are being unreasonable. A 9PM curfew for a 22 year old is ridiculously strict, especially considering all you do. But, it sounds like they are offering a compromise. If they say that "it's either school or a job" then it must mean that they will pay for school? In that case why not quit your job, increase your course load and graduate from school as fast as possible? Then you can move straight into a full time job and start planning to move out on your own.

Jackie, I sense you want to get your own place as soon as possible. But this compromise would only add at most another year to your plan. Also never forget that school should be your number one priority. So, have a talk with your parents and discuss this option. Let them know that you're anxious to start your own life but you will always be their daughter and that you want this to be fair. Also discuss the curfew and work out a schedule where you can have some late nights out occasionally. Talk to them and work out a fair compromise for both of you. You can do it.
Dr. D

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I'm married but madly in love with my ex...

Dear Dr. D,
I have been married to a wonderful man for 12 yrs. We have 2 children to whom he is the best father anyone could ask for. I DO love my husband very much, but here's the problem, I can't seem to rid my thoughts about an old lover. I think about him (the ex) everyday and wonder what my life would be like with him. I'm serious when I tell you I think about this other man several times a day, every day!! It's like I'm a prisoner in my own mind.

 

Me and my ex have known each other 27 yrs. and were each other's first love. I still see him from time to time and I always get butterflies. I have even cheated on my husband with this other man a few times, something that I'm not proud of. I know that it would have never worked out between us and he just got divorced for the 4th time! Sometimes, I even think about leaving my husband for this other man. Why can't I just get over it and move on with my life? Why am I obsessed with this guy? Sometimes it drives me crazy!!
Carmen

Hi Carmen,
The most important thing you have to understand that there is so much more to a marriage than great sex. You describe your husband as a “wonderful man” and “the best father”. You also love him very much. This sounds like an idyllic, REAL life marriage which has lasted for 12 years!

On the other hand, you’re comparing this to a fantasy relationship rooted in your younger days. You can make this relationship anything you want it to be and believe me it’s really hard for reality to measure up to fantasy. You even know logically that it would never work out with your ex and after 4 marriages he certainly isn’t setting a stability standard. You can’t let go because you don’t want to let go and you enjoy reliving the care free days of your youth. Let’s face it Carmen, everyone has a sentimental fondness for their first love.

So, my advice: One lesson we learn as we grow older and wiser is that what looks good on paper is not always what works. We learn that love and passion are truly wonderful but, if we don’t temper each with some careful thought and planning they can lead to disaster. You clearly know the right thing to do here, now it’s just a question of doing it.

First, you must never see your ex, email him or speak to him again NEVER! Next, make a list of every negative reason why a relationship with him would be doomed to fail and carry it with you and read it whenever your mind starts to wander. Finally, find a close girlfriend or two with whom you can open up and discuss this and get them to help give support when you’re feeling weak.

That’s about all I can say. In the end it’s up to you to do what you know is right. In this case, logic must win out over emotion. One more pearl of wisdom here: If all else fails and you really, really want to get over this guy then divorce your husband and marry him! I promise you that after a year, all the wonderful fantasies you now harbor will be dashed to pieces on the rocks of real life. Good luck Carmen.
Dr. D

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I gave my husband an ultimatum and now it’s over…

Dear Dr. D,
I went with this guy for 5 years on and off before we got married. He is Native American, 32 yrs of age and I'm 54 yo Caucasian but I don't look it. I look like I’m in my early 40's. We are both on disability; he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I have Major Depression with social anxiety. We got married in 2006. It didn't go well from the start.

He did not take showers and was always wearing the same clothes most of the time. He was like that before we got married but I thought things would change. He never called me when he would be late. All he does is work on his motorcycles, always fixing his bikes and always talking about them. You see he puts new engines on the bikes and wants to sell them. So, it was never about me always about HIS bikes. Anyway I left him twice but I still love him I don't know what I am going to do anymore. My daughter told me to go out and enjoy life. But how can I do that without him?

Anyway, he wanted 6 months to think about what he had to do to fix the marriage but my daughter of a previous relationship told me that if he loved me he would have taken me back, what was there to think about and told me to give him a week or else. So I gave him a week to decide. I sent him e-mails, letters, nothing! I kept e-mailing him telling him that he had 3 more days and then the final day to make a decision but still no response.

 

I’ve been sad a lot and I don't feel like living at times because I miss him and love him so much. I'm still wearing my wedding band, my pastor knows that I am hurting and every time he calls people to the front by saying there are a few here who are broken hearted I never go up. Like I said I'm not happy anymore. What can I do?
Debbie

Hi Debbie,
My first rule of relationships and ultimatums is: Don’t use them! (See my video entitled: “Ultimatums” in the ‘See Dr D’ section of this website.) However, that’s not your main problem here Debbie. You have to face the fact that he put his bikes ahead of you, doesn’t respect your time and now refuses to even discuss your feelings about reconciliation. This is telling you everything you need to know even though you don’t want to hear it. You gave your ultimatum and he gave you his answer. It’s over.

So, now you have to move on. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your pastor, so talk to him about your feelings. Just having a good listener can help. Also, discuss this with your daughter. She is correct in saying that if he loved you he would come back or at least discuss it. You now have to focus on moving forward.

My main concern is your statement that you don’t feel like living. This could indicate a Chemical Imbalance Depression and I think to be safe that seeing a psychiatrist would be a good idea if you continue to have these thoughts. Medication may be needed to get you through this, at least for the short term. Further advice includes getting some exercise every day (even just walking 30 minutes a day can help stabilize brain chemistry) stay busy with family and friends, socialize with others, find new activities/hobbies to pursue and talk, talk, talk about this with everyone you’re close to. I know it hurts right now, but you will get over this. Good luck.
Dr. D

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  My ex-husband wants me back...

 

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  My childhood was an abusive nightmare...

 

 

 

 

I just want to feel happy and competent as a mother and person. Little things send me into panic mode and I get so nervous. I put my son in flag football last season, but took him out after 2 practices. I would feel like my heart was going to pound out of my chest before bringing him to those practices. I just felt so inferior to the other moms and I was scared of them judging my son. I don't know why. My husband makes decent money and we have nice vehicles, but I just don't feel right.

So there's the bulk of my story. I tried to keep it as short as possible. Please, help me if you think you can! I don’t want my kids to be like me. I don't want them to ever feel inferior or alone, but I know that it's on me to teach them how to be confident and happy. And that's something that I can't teach them right now. I'm also very afraid that my marriage will end soon if I don't get help. That would be just one more thing that would hurt my children. Thanks for letting me tell my story. Just writing it out made me feel somewhat better. Today has been one of my bad days.
Melissa

Hi Melissa,
Thank you for trusting me with your story. I can’t imagine how difficult that was to write. But I will say that many folks tell me the same thing you did: Just writing the story helps them feel better. Also the longer and more detailed your story is, the better off you will be in the long run. Why? Because you’ve truly put some time, thought and effort into figuring it all out. You’re going to be OK Melissa, you just need some guidance. I’ve treated numerous patients with situations like yours so let’s analyze what you’ve told me one step at a time.

First you went through an incredibly traumatic childhood. Father sent to jail for sexual abuse, completely unstable mother who constantly moved you around and disappeared, living with an abusive foster family- both father and brother, turning to both teachers and preachers for help and getting nowhere.

The fact that you’ve been able to survive all of that madness and now have a husband and two children of your own is truly remarkable! Rather than feeling inferior to others you must give yourself tremendous credit for overcoming incredible odds to make it to stability. Most folks would have used their childhood as an excuse for failure and succumbed to alcohol, drugs or promiscuity. You have my admiration.

Now let’s discuss how you’re feeling at this time. I strongly suspect you have a Chemical Imbalance of the brain. There are two reasons for this. First it sounds like both your mother and father have psychiatric issues which put you at high risk. Secondly, a stressful childhood can actually disrupt the delicate circuitry of the brain as it is being laid down and this can predispose you for mental health issues down the road. The symptoms you describe are also an indicator: Frequent bad days, feeling alone and overwhelmed, low self esteem, panic mode, extremely nervous, etc… These symptoms could indicate the possibility of Major Depression, Generalized anxiety, Panic Attacks or another condition.

So, Melissa, what to do? It's impossible for anyone to diagnose you over the internet so you must get an evaluation by a psychiatrist soon. Talk to him about the possibility of medication for your symptoms. If indicated, this should help you feel better and more able to cope with your current life. As for psychotherapy- yes I definitely think that could help as well. But typically with my patients I find it’s not necessary to go over the traumatic childhood (I’m sure you’ve thought enough about that) unless there are unresolved issues to deal with. Rather, I prefer instead to focus on developing coping strengths and strategies for the here and now.

In addition to professional help you also want to maintain a strong relationship with your brother and sister, make sure to socialize with friends as much as possible and openly communicate about how you’re feeling with your husband and loved ones. Communication is mandatory and amazingly helpful. Also make sure you practice a healthy lifestyle, exercise and get plenty of sleep. A healthy body can make stress much easier to deal with.

My final thoughts are for you to get help for yourself now, so that you can take good care of your kids and make sure they have a happy and healthy life going forward. Remember, the people around you are not judging your past, only who you are today. You have no reason to feel guilty about a childhood that was in no way your fault. You’re stronger than you think and you’re a survivor- you’ve proven that. You just need a little help right now. Take care and good luck Melissa.
Dr. D

---

   I changed for my husband and now he doesn't want me...

 

Dear Dr. D:
I am 25 years old and I got married to the person I love just 8 months ago. We met each other in London where I was studying. He lives in London but his family lives here where my family lives and I now live, in the same city and country. Our parents decided that we can finally live with each other like husband and wife and when I get my visa, go to live with him in London. Our marriage was held in June. When he went back to London in August he said he didn’t really take me as a wife in fact he couldn’t feel the way a person feels about his wife with me.

But when he went to London he realized that I am his wife now and he doesn't want me to meet anyone and he doesn’t want me to have any friends.  He just wants me to stay at home and think about him or pray, whereas he’s free to do anything he wants! I am just totally dependent on him and I only love to talk to him, but now that I made myself totally the way he wanted me to be, he thinks I’m a mad psycho!

He thinks when I ask him to give me attention and to talk to me on phone that it is so stupid. Now he thinks I should not call him daily and says I disturb him. We used to talk daily for hours and hours but now he does not pick up. When we do talk I ask him where were you and why were you not picking up the call? He then shouts at me says I am mad and that I always want to talk to him too much and that I should be patient and stop calling so much.

What should I do now? Is it really my fault? I am just the way he said he wanted me to be but now he says I’m really mad and a psycho. In spite of all these things I really love him. What should I do? Please help me!!!
Sereen

Hi Sereen,
You’ve definitely got a problem here. What you must understand is that you can never change yourself for another. You can only change yourself if you really believe it is best for you. In this case, you became totally dependent on your husband, completely changed and you’re not even living together. How can this be right? The only way a relationship can work is for two people to be happy with who they are and then decide to make a life together.

This relationship is completely one-sided and it’s all going against you. From what I know about visas, it may take months or even years for you to get one. So, you’re in a very difficult situation. All you can do now is tell your husband how you feel. Ideally you would want him to come back to your country for a face to face talk. Then you can have an honest and frank discussion. You must tell him this is not working for you and that the relationship must be equal and fair in order to work. You must ask if he really wants to be married to you and if so outline the changes you will need from him in order for this to work out.

To be honest things don’t look good, but remember you have to be true to yourself first and be who you are. Then even if things don’t work out you will know that it wasn’t meant to be and you weren’t pretending to be some one you're not. Good luck.
Dr. D

---

   He won't ask me to marry him...

 

Dear Dr. D,
I'm in love with a wonderful man and I know he plans to propose next year. But my mind and heart just don’t want to wait that long. I sometimes want to harm myself just to get over the tears. I have a wonderful relationship with him. I just don't understand why I want to speed it up and get to the proposal and get that over with. I'm even planning to wait a year or two before the wedding. I just for some reason want that proposal. Why do I feel this way?
Michelle

Hi Michelle,
There are a couple things we need to discuss here. First, have you talked to your boyfriend and are you absolutely sure he’s going to propose? If you only feel he will or hope he will but you really don’t know he will, then you must be worried that it might not happen. Clearly, this is very upsetting for you.

Next, it is a total red flag that you have had thoughts of harming yourself? This indicates there may be more going on than you are telling me? I’m concerned about a chemical imbalance of the brain that may be causing a depression. It’s not normal to have thoughts of hurting yourself and this alone leads me to suggest you get a psychiatric evaluation.

However, I think the most likely scenario here is that you are just overwhelmed with the uncertainty; not necessarily about your relationship, but your future with this man. You are almost positive a marriage is going to happen and you want it so badly, but it just won’t be real until he actually proposes.

So, my advice: First schedule a visit with a psychiatrist just to make sure there is no chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. Next, ask yourself if you want a marriage, or do you want a ring and a wedding? There is a big difference. Finally, have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him honestly how you feel. This should clear the air, and will give you a clear picture of his stake in your future. Maybe you can choose to become pre-engaged and pick a date for the engagement. You want to take the uncertainty out of the picture and an honest conversation is the way to do so. Take care.
Dr. D

---

  I am 38, can I be going through menopause...

 

 

I have been put on mild antidepressants before, which did nothing really, and have increased my soy, my calcium, and have even taken kelp tablets. The only person that believes me is my dentist. Everytime I go in, they ask if I'm pregnant or menstruating, and I say no.... they say "well, you have the gums of a menopausal woman, hormone changes affect the mouth like that, but you are too young" I'm really at a loss. I'm not depressed, I"m not unhealthy. What do you think it could be?

Hi Nan,

Even with your normal test results, your symptoms do indeed sound like menopause. However, what you must realize is that in very early pre-menopause it's possible to still have normal levels. This does not sound like a psychiatric issue, so my advice would be to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist (hormone specialist) for a full evaluation. Good luck.
Dr. D

---

   I was abused as a child...

 

 

I forced myself to do everything I did, including sleep. I found it agonizing to lie in bed for hours. As an adult I began to recognize when I'd get no sleep at all, so I got up and walked around all night; that was much less torturous. Then I'd work all day, often roofing or grape pruning, both physically demanding jobs. Only in the last few months have I begun to sleep reasonably well and consistently for long stretches. I am now 54.
Rick

Hi Rick,
What is going on in your life now, over the last few months, that is serving as a comfort to allow you to get a good night's sleep? That is absolutely a key to understanding yourself going forward. I have treated hundreds of adults who were abused physically, sexually and emotionally as kids.

 

Amazingly, I never can predict the survivors - those that will rise above it all versus those that will use the past as an excuse for failure. The fact that you're writing to me is hugely positive because you know there was a problem and want advice on how to deal with it. This means you are seeking a solution and NOT using it as an excuse.

 

Rick, you’ve had a bad childhood with huge stressors, but in the end one of two things will happen: It will get the best of you or you will get the best of it. So, my advice to you is to analyze your life now to figure out why all of a sudden things are going well. Is it a new job, new friend, new girlfriend, new hobby? Think! Something is different. Figure that out and the past will be left in the past where it belongs. You must learn from the past, live in the present and plan for the future.
Dr D

 

 

Hi Ecci,
I can tell that you are really in distress here, and I want you to know that you have my sympathy. Breaking up is always such a difficult task to face; but, when you say "I need to find the strength and courage to accept that my marriage is over", it is evident that you know what needs to happen. I understand; you're scared. The unknown is always so tough for all of us. I think you basically want me to validate what you already know...it's time to move on! I can't make you do the right thing here.

 

No matter how hard the decision seems now, it's really no harder than living a life in limbo while your husband tries to figure himself out. You know what needs to be done and it's up to you to take the first step and just do it! Be sure to take careful consideration, plan well, speak with a lawyer, and protect yourself. If you're going to leave, do it in a positive way with no ill will. You are stronger than you think, Ecci. I wish you all the best.
Dr. D

 

 

 

 

I sent an email apology to my nephew the very next day, but he never responded which is OK with me for now. I would also like to mention that 11 days after this event I had a major heart attack followed by heart surgery and not a single member of my family contacted me. As you can tell this is all weighing very heavy on my heart and I'm hoping that you can offer some advice that will help me through this. Thank you.
Lynn

Hi Lynn,
There are a couple of issues here. First it sounds like you're really going through a rough patch in life right now and you have my complete sympathy. Obviously in retrospect you shouldn't have said anything to the son. He apparently felt like it was an accusation that he was gay and, whether he is or not, took offense. I'm sure you regret saying it now, but you clearly had good intentions and what's done is done.

 

However, what you said in no way justifies the mean response from your family which seems like a severe over-reaction to me. But in this world we can only control our own actions/words not those of others. All you can do at this point is to give it some time and then try another apology. Tell them that you didn't mean to hurt anyone, you regret any pain that you caused and you're ready to move on if they are. Even though they owe you an apology as well, be the bigger person and let it go. You only have one family and you need to do everything in your power to keep the relationships open. However, after your repeat apology it will then be their move. Understand that they may not accept this and be prepared to move on with your life. Again, you can't control the actions of anyone else.

 

Next, I want to comment on your mother showing favoritism to your sister. Just remember that we all have favorites in life: we have favorite songs, movies, sports teams and hobbies. Some friends are closer than others, we choose some one special to date or marry, have a favorite boss or co-worker and sometimes a parent has a favorite child. There is nothing you can do to change this. We each are unique in our own way and this means there will always be one chosen over another in any given case.

 

But here's the secret Lynn: you have to accept yourself and like who you are as a person. Then you'll understand that you have your favorites, you will respect others for their favorites and every now then, if you're real lucky, you and another, will choose to be, each others favorite.

---

 

 

 

 

Hi Mo,

The fact you're asking me this question indicates that you really want to give her another chance. Otherwise you would be long gone and not even thinking about my, or anybody else's, advice.

 

Let's analyze this: You've only been together for three months and the fact that her Ex has cancer is certainly a stressful event for all. My advice is that you both have to agree on one thing in order for this to work and that is this: If she's going to be in a relationship with you, then that means that she can no longer help out her Ex. She has to decide between being with you and helping him. If she feels that she just must be there for him then that's fine, but your relationship could never flourish in this environment. That means no cleaning house, grocery shopping or helping out around his place. This may sound mean when a man has cancer, but she can't have it both ways.

 

So Mo, if she agrees to this then give the relationship another chance.

Dr. D

---

   Why can't I settle down with just one guy in my life...

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Melanie,

First here's a little background on the wonderful world of the male-female friendship. Or in this case, should I say the world of friends with benefits. The # 1 rule here is this: there is ALWAYS one party (you) in this type of relationship that likes things just the way they are. AND there is ALWAYS the other (him) who wants more- the whole deal: marriage, white picket fence, dog, 2.5 kids and the SUV in the driveway of the suburban house.

 

So, what to do? Well, interestingly this type of relationship can go on for years and years and everything is cool on both sides in an unspoken homeostasis. Both understand the dynamics and all is well............Until one day, one person, decides that, now is the time to declare my undying love and my desire to be together forever. So, Melanie you've made the choice to keep this going for years; yet, you of course knew he was much more into you than you were into him.

 

Let's analyze this together and first look at how you describe the guy: First love, great sex, fabulous conversations, soul mate, fabulous person, declared his undying love for me. Hmmm.........no downside here. In fact most women or men for that matter constantly fantasize about an ideal partner just like that. Check out the internet dating sites for proof.

 

Now let's analyze you: Want the 'love capsule', no ties, no complications, great sex, never interferes with our real lives or significant others, regular relationships are boring. You've been lucky enough, in your eyes, to have the best of both worlds for 25 long years. Now you're going to have to make a decision and I detect a major conflict- within you! What exactly do you want? Now is the time to look to thyself for the answer. I suspect you've known this day was coming for a long, long time and now that it's here you're saying oh, no! What am I to do? I think the answer may lie with your statement: "Why can't I just be normal and settle down with one guy in my life"? Uh, you can. But it's your choice.

 

Analyze your fear of commitment, what are you really afraid of here? Not being a good partner, getting bored, a failed relationship? Search your soul, make some decisions and then have a long, honest talk with your childhood friend. Realize that a soul mate is a very unique opportunity in life. Now's the time to lay it all on the line, you may never have another chance like this again. Think carefully and choose wisely. You owe it to him.........and to yourself.

Dr D

---

  My friend keeps talking about her sexual fetishes...

   I'm not worthy to meet his family...

 

Dear Dr. D,

I am 33 with a varied past. I have suffered two violent relationships. I am now living in India and I am with my perfect guy but I seem to have upset my friend and I am confused as to why? I have asked her to chat with me and she ignores me. I am constantly angry and feel very paranoid. I was on medication for a ruptured disc in my back but I felt paranoid before. I don’t trust people that much. I trusted my friend and we would gossip and tell each other our problems. I have been there for her and she has been for me but she said she can’t support me. I never wanted support, I just wanted a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. She never had to agree with me just listen. So why do I feel like the bad person?

Tara

 

You present several issues here. First congratulations on finding a perfect guy. Hopefully this relationship is strong and enduring and fortunately it is not abusive. Next certain pain meds can often cause addiction and result in anger and paranoia. Even though you say you felt that way before; constant pain and medication can definitely affect your personality and even trigger a chemical imbalance of the brain. If your paranoia/anger is affecting how you live your life then you definitely need to have a psychiatric evaluation; meds may help.

 

Finally, as to your friend, I suspect the reason you are having problems with her is precisely because of the perfect man in your life. She’s jealous about the time you are now spending with your guy……… time that used to be spent exclusively with her. She sees him as a threat to your friendship and is feeling abandoned, so she is trying to make you feel like the bad person here.

 

So Tara, here’s what you need to do: First: make sure to schedule time for the two of you to go out together. Next, include her in some social outings with you and your new boyfriend - try to help them become friends. Finally you must have a talk with her and let her know how much you value her friendship and that you don’t want your new boyfriend to interfere with that. This is always a difficult transition for anyone who enters into a new, serious relationship: it becomes all consuming and old friends are often left to pick up the scraps of your time, here and there, when available. Now that you understand the situation you should be able to integrate the new boyfriend with your existing friend. It will just take a little bit of time and effort on your part.

Dr. D

---

   She uses sex as a power play...

 

 

Hi Janette,

I certainly agree that a relationship is a relationship. But I also know that human nature is the same for all of us and we all have our wants, needs and desires. The key is to realize that we choose our actions, reactions, wants and needs. It doesn't matter why Veronica chooses her relationships or her bosses. She just needs to realize WHY and then decide if these choices make her happy. Maybe power is the issue but then again maybe not - there could be many other reasons involved. In the end only she can figure it out and my advice to look into the abyss stands firm.

 

The bottom line is that we are all responsible for our own happiness and THAT is the key here, not whether this is a power trip, some repressed lesbian tendency or an innate desire to be a nun. Look to thyself is always the key. We all make our choices.............we just need to understand why and how we arrive at our decisions. Don't focus strictly on the "real world" Janette - it may not be real.

Dr. D

---

  My bosses always fall in love with me...

 

 

 

Albert Einstein defines insanity as: "doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results". So I'm not sure what your question is? Whose naughty behavior do you want to stop? Yours? You obviously know how this will turn out. Or do you blame the boss who falls so hard for you? You choose your actions and you can predict the result which you say you don't like, but...........you continue the same activity. Is the boss to blame? I think not. What you have to figure out is why you keep choosing to enter into the same type of relationship over and over with a boss. Maybe for the money, the excitement, the challenge?

 

In the end it's your choice and your decision. Any reason is ok, just as long as you understand why. Another important question for you to ask yourself is why are you wondering about this now, at this point in your life? In the end neither the boss, the nun or the flannelette lesbian can help you figure YOU out. Look to thyself, the answer lies within. In the end we're all responsible for our own happiness. We can use as many tricks and games as possible to postpone the inevitable but eventually we all look into the abyss of who we are...... and there's nothing looking back, only emptiness..........and that's when, if we're lucky, we find our character. And that's what saves us...........from the abyss.

 

This question is coming up to your consciousness for a reason right now Veronica and you have several options. 1) Do nothing, continue with your current pattern but expect the same results. 2) Have a firm talk with your boss (new or current) and explain that you are business associates and friends and that's all it will ever be and then stick to that. 3) Find a job without a boss. Choose wisely.

---

   My best friend doesn't know I'm gay...

 

 

Hi Ronnie,

 I suspect that your friend already knows this about you. It would be very difficult to have a best friend for 30 years and for him not to have at least a suspicion. More than likely he not only knows, but he feels that you are the one that is uncomfortable bringing it up, so he doesn't say anything. So, plan a dinner together and just tell him. More than likely you will both be relieved that 'the secret' is out in the open. Life is too short to live with any type of lie. Don't delay Ronnie, do it soon.

Dr. D

---

 

Hi Kandi,

This is a case where the answer definitely lies within you. Obviously the personal life of a doctor has nothing to do with whether he's a competent physician. So, I think many can logically understand that and separate the two aspects of his personality without a problem. However this clearly bothers you or you wouldn't be asking me.

 

The bottom line Kandi is that you have to trust your doc to feel comfortable talking with him, sharing your problems and accepting his advice. Since this is no longer the case for you, I suggest you find another physician. Take Care.

Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Brian,

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is defined as: a preoccupation with an imagined or minor defect in appearance which causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. If a real defect is present then this becomes a physical condition as opposed to a psychological one and the diagnosis is not valid. Avoidant personality is often present with this condition due to the distress being so great that you don't want others to see your perceived defect. Thus gradual social isolation can occur to the point where you never want to leave the house.

 

The good news Brian, is that this condition can be treated. First the class of drugs called SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), which modulate the Serotonin neurotransmitter system can be an effective treatment. Next a specific type of counseling called cognitive behavior therapy which addresses faulty thinking processes may also work.

 

So your first step is a psychiatric evaluation by a Psycho-pharmacologist (specialist in treating chemical imbalances) to see if medication is indicated. The doctor may also refer you for therapy. You can call local psychiatric offices or ask your family doctor for a referral in your region. But do this immediately Brian. If left unchecked this condition will continue to worsen over time. Good luck.

Dr. D

---

 

 

 

Hi Suzy,

Few of us can imagine the pain that any parent would be suffering in this scenario. The first thing that you must understand about your friend Denise is that at this time she blames herself for the accident and she hates herself so much that's she's trying to become a different person in every way possible. Just as she is slowly driving friends and family away she is also trying to drive herself away. Between the plastic surgeries and lifestyle changes she is well on her way. I see this personal hate frequently after a tragic event such as this and in the end I tell my patients one of two things will happen. It will get the best of you or you will get the best of it. I find it amazing that you can never predict the psychological survivors in a scenario such as this.

 

Certainly the seatbelt issue was her decision and it wasn't a good one but what's done is done, and it is what it is. The only question now is where does Denise go from here? So, first and foremost Denise needs to be evaluated for a chemical imbalance by a psychiatrist. Next she definitely needs counseling to help her cope, heal and find peace. She is currently on the edge and is close to totally losing her former life and all those that love her. But remember Suzy, what you see on the outside is very different to what's going on inside her head. The Denise you all knew before the accident may never return again, but if you, her family and friends focus on helping her get professional help, helping her to forgive herself and helping her turn her grief into a focus on her other daughter, her husband and life itself, then she may over time find peace and begin to enjoy the love and goodness still left in her life. Good luck.

Dr. D

---

 

Hi Dean,

Asking me to recommend a counselor would be like asking me to tell you what type of car to buy. Personal preference is everything. So, just as you would spend time and effort to research a new car purchase you have to do the same when choosing a therapist or even a Doctor for that matter.

 

Here are a few pointers. First, get names from family and friends, do a Google search for counselors and look in the phone book. Next, call several therapists and make sure they do family therapy, many do not. Also, verify that they are LICENSED by a professional agency . Finally, discuss your situation over the phone to make sure they can help. If all sounds good then set up an appointment with your favorite. The most important point here is that rapport is everything. If you don't feel comfortable with the therapist or the advice then you need to bring this up immediately. After all, you are the customer who's buying a service.

 

One final piece of advice: therapy is not magic or complicated and the advice is typically just good old common sense - think of it as having a tour guide for your self. Take Care.

Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Shirley,

One analogy I often use is that in life, as in a poker game, you can't control the cards you are dealt, only the way you play the hand. The situation for both of you is clearly difficult on many levels, and to be honest, I suspect you are both depressed.

 

Depression is rooted in genetics and we all have varying levels of susceptibility, but the trigger for a true chemical imbalance depression is often stress, which is clearly apparent here. Okay, now what to do. As strange as this will sound Shirley, you have to take charge of yourself and your own mental health, before you can help him. That's right, you must be selfish.

 

First, do you have a clinical depression? The symptoms to look for include poor sleep, low energy level, lack of interest in activities, feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, crying spells, over/under eating and more. Go see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and, if needed, get medication treatment for depression. Your mind needs to be clear and sharp to make the decisions and have the discussions that are coming up.

 

Next, think about your life and what you want. Since I suspect you would like to stay with your husband and at least give it a go, you now have to have "the talk" with him. First, make a list of what you see as problems and how you would like things to change. Tell him you love him and you know how difficult this is for him, but that it's also tough for you. Tell him that you want to stay with him and don't mind caring for him, but that you have needs as well. You want to get out of the house together once a week, go to movies, dinner, etc. Also, you need open and honest communication with him, no sarcasm, and an occasional "thank-you" so that you feel needed. Tell him you were evaluated for depression and want him to be as well. Stress that to make this work will take effort on both sides, and that you're willing to try if he is.

 

Finally tell him that unless things change you'll never be happy in the current situation. Give him some time to think after the talk and perhaps come up with a list of his own. These are huge issues that can't be decided overnight and the discussion can be ongoing. After the above, hopefully things will change for the better, but what if they don't? Then it's time for more life decisions: do you stay or go? Do you wish to stay married in the current scenario? These are huge questions filled with the sense of obligation you must feel, and the potential for guilt and recriminations.

 

Let's be honest, some individuals are natural caretakers and could thrive in this type of situation. Others are not. If you hate your life and resent your husband and his situation, you need to understand this and discuss it with him while pointing out the lack of change. Paraplegics can and do take care of themselves every day so who's to say whether he would be better on his own or even possibly finding someone else? And finally Shirley, most importantly you also have the right to be happy in life. Good Luck.

Dr. D

---

Dr. D

---

 

Hi Justine,

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Going out with your friends once or twice a YEAR is the cause of a huge fight? My first thought is that this guy is wound too tight for living and to get out now. But let's analyze this in more detail.

 

First, you are correct to discuss expectations with a prospective live in boyfriend. This can help set the tone if both partners have realistic expectations about what the ground rules are before they move in together. Several aspects of your boyfriend's response are concerning, to say the least. First, "he freaked out". This was a discussion; the fact that he over reacted is a giant red flag.

 

Second, he "started yelling". If he gets so mad over a small issue such as this what will happen when you guys have a major fight over a big issue, like... what's for dinner?

 

Third, being a couple doesn't mean you always have to spend every minute together. Doesn't he have friends or hobbies he wants to pursue without you on occasion? I guess not!

 

Finally, "he left and he's still furious" and "he will barely speak to me". He needs to apologize to you and then attend anger management therapy. So Justine, you're clearly not wrong to want occasional time with your girlfriends. Every couple has different needs concerning time together, alone time, time with friends and time devoted to hobbies.

 

All of the above need to be discussed in an open and honest format and compromises made if needed. If he can't do that with you then it's time to abandon ship now, and let him know the reasons why. But, as for now don't move in together!

Good Luck, Dr. D

---

 

Hi Jackie,

Ultimatums in relationships rarely work, so don't use them. Why? Well, are you really prepared to follow through with the consequences here and risk losing your relationship forever? For most the answer is "No Way!".

 

Let's analyze this. Your boyfriend is offering a legitimate compromise, yet he's not proposing marriage and therefore to be true to your word you would have to leave. On another note, I wonder why the rush to get married? This is the perfect chance to have a test drive and see how things go. After three months of living together you may be running for the exits screaming "what the hell was I thinking!?" So accept his offer, give it some time and then reassess. But remember Jackie, no more ultimatums.

Take Care, Dr. D

---

 

Hi Lyndee,

The answer at this point is absolutely nothing. You've clearly suffered a major chemical imbalance which fortunately is being corrected by medication. But it takes time for brain chemistry to stabilize, sometimes months. So right now you need to be totally selfish. Focus on yourself and get healthy and strong. Only then should you address the marriage issue and your first decision must be: Do I really want to be married to this guy?

 

Let me see if I can help you analyze this and point out some observations. You've been married several years and ....... your husband had an affair the whole time? I know this sounds mean, but have you ever wondered why he married you? Was it down to two and you won while she got runner up and got to be his mistress? And finally you got back with him because you became pregnant? OK, here's the deal. I admire you because you've proven that you had the strength and conviction to leave when you first discovered the affair. The fact that you've had a baby doesn't change the underlying reality of the marriage. Do you really think you could ever trust him again? You need to understand that this is about the deceit rather than the other woman.

 

So my advice is very simple. Wait until you are totally healthy, consult an attorney and then: Kick him to the curb and don't look back.

Good Luck, Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Katie,

The easiest and most accurate way to look at compulsive lying is like an addiction. It's easy to see that this is an impulsive behavior like compulsive gambling, compulsive shopping or compulsive eating, but it is also similar to other addictive behaviors like binge drinking or drug abuse. Psychologically, all of these compulsive activities can be used as a way to deal with stress in one's life, i.e. it's easier to tell lies (or eat/drink/gamble/shop) than to confront the real underlying issue of a situation, or deal with life in general. Of course, the more you lie, the more you have to keep lying to defend the previous lies, so it becomes a vicious cycle. All you can do as a friend is to point out to her every single lie, and say, "You know that's not true," and then ask, "Why did you say that?" I also recommend counseling, since this can be a very difficult condition to treat if left unchecked.

 

Finally, my personal view is that all addictive conditions are linked by impulsive/compulsive behavior, and thus can respond to medication. There is no strong evidence that medication works for compulsive lying, but a trial of medication could definitely help this condition, especially if other psychiatric symptoms are present.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi, Lindsay,

Well, as you can see, on-line dating has certainly changed the relationship landscape. Mostly this is for the best as there is much more male/female equality, and both sexes are putting their profile up on the web for worldwide review. Also, the number of potential partners is infinitely greater. But along with this freedom comes the potential for abuse. For example, a married person could easily use the web to find dates all over the country as they travel for business. So you have to always be aware that what individuals portray on the web may not always be accurate.

 

Now, in this case, since you haven't discussed exclusivity, you have no right to assume it. You need to bring this up. Tell him it's been four months and you want to know where things stand. If he states he's not ready to be exclusive, then you have your answer and you'll have to decide where you go from there. However, if he's ready to be a couple, then you both need to agree to take your profiles down. You can't have it both ways. Although I've talked to many patients who say, "Oh, I leave my profile up just to talk with the friends I've met online," I don't buy it. You can talk with these new friends by phone or email. A profile still up on a dating site means you're still looking - period.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Jeanie,

Any type of stress can predispose you to not only psychiatric problems but affect your physical health as well and obviously an unhappy marriage is stressful on many levels. The mechanism is complex but a simple explanation lies in the hormones and chemicals that the body and brain release when stressed. This can lead to depression, anxiety, increased blood pressure and weakened immune function. One key to a long healthy life is to reduce stress whenever possible.

 

My advice Jeanie is to address your unhappy marriage as soon as you can. You deserve to be happy.

Good Luck, Dr. D.

---

   My fiance doesn't know I had a baby...

 

 

Dear Katie,
In this case, the cliché does apply:honesty is the best policy. Your past has a way of continually rising up in a relationship when you least expect it - especially when so many others know the "secret". If you try to hide this aspect of your past, certainly someone or some circumstance will reveal this to your fiancé/husband in the future. Your past is a part of who you are today.

 

You made the best decision for yourself and your baby at the time, and this is definitely the type of information that you should share with the man you are choosing as your future lifetime partner. You'll just have to explain the circumstances and your fears about why you haven't told him until now. If he loves you and the relationship is meant to be, he will understand. If he doesn't, then it would be much better to find this out now, rather than later. So Katie, now's the time to do the right thing even though I know how scared you must be.

Good luck, Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Brian,

Yes, I can definitely give you some advice. The first rule of long term male/female friendship is that there is always, ALWAYS, one person who has stronger feelings than the other. Also, typically both parties realize this, understand the status quo and leave it unspoken between them. While one enjoys things just the way they are, the other is hoping that one day a love will blossom. This allows the friendship to continue over time.

 

I agree that you have always been the one with thoughts of a relationship rather than friendship even though it took several years for you to consciously grasp this. But, now that you've voiced your opinion, things will never be the same. Here's why: When you're in love with someone and that love is not returned it is virtually impossible to remain friends, it just hurts too much.

 

Also Brian, now that you feel this way, there's no going back. Here's what you should tell her: "Look, I love you very much and there's no way I can remain friends at this point when I want so much more. It just hurts too much. I understand you don't feel the same, and I respect that. I need you to respect my feelings as well, and I have to move on. Maybe one day I'll get over you and we can be friends again after enough time has passed." There's a very, very slim chance that the thought of losing the friendship will cause her to reconsider, but don't count on it. Tell her now and get on with your life.

Good Luck, Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Denise,

Well, I guess I have to give you the classic psychotherapy answer first: You have to plan quality time together as opposed to quantity; set one night a week aside as date night no matter what; plan periodic weekend getaways, give small gifts to each other every week, such as a card or rose; say I love you often; pick a TV show you both like every night and take the time to watch it together; eat breakfast together every morning before work.....you get the idea....

 

Now let me give you my personal opinion. We each only have so many hours in the day to devote to what we do. If your goal is to be ultra-successful at work to the exclusion of all else, then logic would dictate devoting 100% of your waking hours to work no matter what. There are many individuals who are that driven, and they typically are extremely successful. However, for most of us, that's not realistic.

 

So you both have to decide how much of your time you are willing to devote to work, and how much to your relationship. Homework: you and your husband need to think about this separately and then discuss. Actually put a percent number to it. You may pick 80% work, 5% marriage and 15% friends/others. He may pick 90% work, 9% marriage 1% friends/other. The numbers are important so you both know where you stand. Any percentage can work in a relationship if both parties agree to it. But, you may be surprised at the results. A compromise may be indicated so needs are met on both sides.

 

In closing, let me say that having a marriage with two upwardly mobile, career driven partners is very difficult to maintain. Constant communication and discussion of goals and needs is a must.

Good luck, Dr. D

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Dear Dr. D,
I have a cousin that just told our family he is gay. Most of the family has suspected this for years, and supports him. My grandfather insists that this is a mental condition and swears that psychiatrists say the same thing. I know he reads your column. Can you please help me explain to him that being gay is not a psychiatric disorder?
Randy

 

Hi Randy,
Psychiatrists and other mental health professionals agree that homosexuality is not an illness, mental disorder or emotional problem. Much objective scientific research over the past 35 years shows us that homosexual orientation is not associated with emotional or social problems.

 

Your grandfather may be basing his belief that it's a psychiatric disorder on historical views of homosexuality. Several decades ago homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness because the only research available to professionals was biased due to the fact that the studies involved only lesbians and gay men in therapy. When researchers later examined data about gay individuals who were not in therapy, that myth was dispelled. In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association confirmed the importance of the new research by removing the term "homosexuality" from the official manual that lists all mental and emotional disorders.

 

In 1975 the American Psychological Association passed a resolution supporting this action. Both associations urge all professionals to help dispel the stigma that homosexual orientation was a disorder. Then the original declassification this decision has subsequently been reaffirmed by numerous research studies. Mental health experts now agree that sexual orientation is not a choice, but is shaped for most of us at an early age through complex interactions of biological, psychological and social factors.

Dr. D

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Dear Kristin,

You do have a point Kristin, some secrets are best kept - but not one of this magnitude. I stand my by original recommendation, even though your specific situation did not work out as you wished. But just imagineif this information came out after ten years and two children! True, it may never have come to light, but I still believe that honesty is the best policy.

 

If your fiancé couldn't understand and acceptthe reasons for your actions at the time then what type of husband would he be? This is not the type of issue that you could possibly agree to differ on. I think situations such as this need to be addressed in the middle stage of a relationship.

 

Relationships develop in stages. In the beginning, the first six months or so, we all showcase our best qualities, and keep any negative aspects of ourselves hidden. Then as we get to know and trust our significant other, we gradually open up more, either consciously or sub-consciously, and show the sides of our personality and life history we might not be as proud of. This is why time is so important in determining whether a relationship can last. This middle stage is when we determine if a long-term commitment will work.

 

The next and final stage is acceptance and commitment, where you accept both the good and the bad about your prospective partner. If your fiancé can't handle the fact that you gave your child up for adoption and the reasons for your decision, then he is rejecting a huge part of who you are. Ask yourself Kristin: Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? There are obviously certain parts of ourselves we will never share with anyone but something this significant in your life should not be one of them. I think you may one day see the break-up as a blessing.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Josie,
I can't help but wonder what has changed? You've put up with this for over 20 years, so there must be some things you value about the relationship. So I suspect that YOU have changed, which is OK as long as you understand that. And you are right in realizing that you cannot "correct" someone else's personality or behavior.

 

So, the answer to your questions lie within you and you must ask yourself the following: What do you expect from your husband? What are you looking for out there in the big wide world? Why has your outlook recently changed? Once you've figured out YOU, then it's time for "The Talk" with your husband.

 

Make a list of pros and cons about the relationship from your new perspective and go over this with him. Make sure to give as much attention to the pros as you do the cons on your list. Explain that you want to stay married but that these are now crucial issues to you. Make sure he understands that if he won't take them seriously and work on them with you, then you can't see staying with him the rest of your life. If you feel uncomfortable having this direct discussion with your husband or "The Talk" doesn't go well then a therapist could help.

 

But here's the deal Josie: this won't solve itself on its own and you need to take action now.

Good luck. Dr.D

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Dear Amy,
Juggling family obligations is one of the many holiday issues that can cause stress and conflict. So, to your specific question: Where to spend the holidays? This is one that you and your husband need to resolve together.

 

Why not invite your mother-in-law to spend the holidays with you? Make sure your husband is the one to ask and explain the reasons to her. Make sure he points out a few memories about his early Christmases with her and explain that he wants his children to have the same fond memories that he does. Hopefully, she will understand the need for your family to begin creating holiday traditions of your own now that you own a home.

 

Then you can offer to visit her immediately after Christmas. If she reacts badly, he should simply restate your position respectfully, without being defensive. After the holidays, continue to make an effort to include your mother-in-law in your life throughout the year. A possible compromise is that you could alternate years between your house and hers going forward.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi Kerry,
You should definitely address all of these differences with any potential relationship for it to survive and the fact you are considering marriage does not really change the issue. You two are either compatible or not. So you must examine the relationship itself and decide if it's what you want.

 

That being said, having different outlooks on life doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Any partnership can work, in spite of (or sometimes because of) various differences the two individuals have. Similar tastes in movies, books or food will not hold your relationship together, while different hobbies and passions will not necessarily drive you apart. In fact, the cliché of opposites attracting has some truth to it. We often look for someone to complete ourselves. One who has those qualities that balance our own personality . Opposites may contribute to the chemistry in a partnership, and opposing cultures, tastes and opinions can actually be beneficial by introducing each of you to a whole new perspective.

 

But here's the deal Kerry: It's time to examine and discuss your differences and decide if your happy, outgoing persona can effectively join with his more introverted outlook. The key to a successful relationship is the art of negotiation, and compromise is the key...But you have to decide if this is what you both want because it will take A LOT OF WORK on both sides and you both have to be willing to recognize and respect your differences. Success will depend on each of you realizing that neither of you can "change" the other person's inherent personality and some differences are so fundamental they won't yield to any amount of negotiation.

 

You are obviously having some serious doubts about a future with your boyfriend or you wouldn't have written to me. If you feel the differences you have are insurmountable and either cannot be resolved with compromise or would just be too much work then you must reconsider making a lifetime commitment.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi Brian,
The internet has led to a whole new realm of relationship concerns: email, instant messaging, chat rooms and accessible pornography. There are no hard and fast rules for what is acceptable behavior within a marriage. This applies to everything from saving money, household chores, and flirting with the opposite sex. The key is that you and your wife agree on what the rules are and both stay within those boundaries. It sounds like you both have very different feelings about this issue and I agree with you that most partners would feel her behavior is not appropriate for a married woman.

 

A further concern is that this obviously bothers you, and although she is aware of this AND said she would stop, she is continuing anyway. This could reflect a lack of respect for your feelings, or maybe she really does not realize how much it bothers you or she may just be bored. So, some direct communication is needed between the two of you. I would advise you to try again, in a non-confrontational manner, to explain to your wife how the online chatting makes you feel, and ask her why she does it. If she cares about you, she should understand your feelings, and the two of you can work together to agree on acceptable boundaries.

 

Also discuss other issues in your marriage that could be a problem. However, if she refuses to discuss the issue or continues to lie, then I suggest you consider marriage counseling to deal with this and the basic issues of respect and trust. Your other option is to decide you will no longer tolerate her behavior and make plans to leave.

Good luck, Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Crystal,
Well, I think you could give him healing time AND take the relationship as it comes.This is one of those situations where common sense rules definitely apply. You are wise to be cautious.

 

In general, statistics show that a rebound relationship - a serious connection entered into immediately following the end of a long-term relationship - is more likely to fail than one entered into a year or more after a big break-up. After a split, many people quickly begin a new relationship out of loneliness or to prove that they are still desirable. It's a good idea to wait a year not only to allow emotional wounds to heal, but to also give time to re-prioritize what you want in a new partner. Then you can begin dating again without the heavy load of emotional baggage from a previous break-up.

 

Another common sense rule to keep in mind is: the longer the marriage and the more traumatic the break-up, the longer it will be before your boyfriend is ready to move forward with a new serious relationship. However, remember that these "rules" are not set in stone, and many other factors can influence the situation.

 

The man you are seeing is in the process of getting divorced, so my advice Crystal would be to take things very slowly and give him all the time and space needed to work through the emotional situation in his own timeframe. The worst thing you can do is to pressure him to make a commitment. Try to find a balance between giving him space AND being there for him.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Grant,
Contrary to popular belief, the majority of marriages that end because of an affair often do so not immediately after the infidelity takes place, but several years later. The reason for this is basically the situation you are describing: ongoing distrust and accusations. Often, when infidelity occurs, there is a need to punish the offending partner, but if this goes on too long, it will lead to a marked deterioration of the relationship and this is exactly what's happening to you.

 

Dealing with infidelity is a complex situation. For some the decision to walk away is an easy one while for others (as in your case) a decision is made to move on past the infidelity and in this situation, both partners have some serious work to do in order for the marriage to recover. Marriage is difficult enough when dealing with day-to-day issues in the present. Constantly revisiting the past just adds additional stress and serves no useful purpose.

 

So Grant, it sounds like you have not completely forgiven nor forgotten your wife's affair. If you want your marriage to survive, this is a step you are going to have to take, and it must be done soon. If you still have questions about her behavior, discuss these with her to get a resolution to the incident once and for all. I suggest if you truly believe your wife is faithful, and has been since the affair, then make a conscious decision to forgive her and really leave the past in the past, where it belongs. Otherwise, the chances of your marriage surviving are practically nonexistent.

Good luck. Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Kellie,
Obviously, in an ideal world the answer would be to always tell the truth all the time no matter what. Of course we all know that this is not realistic. Studies have shown that virtually 100 % of the people will tell a "white lie" from time to time to either keep from hurting another or to prevent an inconvenience. Every situation is different. As with many other things in life, Kellie there is a constant balancing act between what your friend has asked, the information she truly needs and the amount of pain that telling her the whole truth would cause. This is not easy, but it is something all of us do on a daily basis, either consciously or unconsciously.

 

In terms of moral obligation, I will have to leave that to the philosophers. I like to use a realistic perspective. When we can tell the whole truth to someone who has asked a question, and no pain will be caused, then we should always do so. When we need to tell the whole truth in order to give important information, and pain will be caused, but we feel they need to hear the truth anyway, then this would also be a case for full disclosure. However, in those cases where full truth is not needed and would cause great pain, then it may be acceptable to tell less than the full truth in order to keep from hurting someone.

 

I wish there were an easier answer to this question, but obviously, this is a situation that depends on a variety of factors that you constantly have to weigh in order to come to the best decision. The answer lies within you.

Good luck, Dr. D

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Dear Sandy,
What a painful situation this must be for you. Unfortunately, it is one I hear about quite often. Although the phrase may be overused, mid-life crisis is recognized as a real experience. It is a time when many of us assess our lives and try to recapture some of the feelings of youth. This may indeed be what your husband is going through.

 

Obviously, you don't just suddenly stop loving someone. There has to be an underlying cause for his change in feelings, and ideally, this is something both of you could discuss together. However, the most important thing for you to realize Sandy is that you are not responsible for his behavior and you cannot control him or force him to talk to you, work on the marriage or see a counselor. You can only control yourself and your reaction to the situation.

 

At this point, you need to take care of yourself. Regarding the question about how long you should wait, that's not a decision I, nor anyone else, can make for you. I do think you are wise not to rush into such an important decision. If he won't go to marriage counseling, then you can go alone. This will help you work through your feelings about him and the marriage, and help you make the important decision you need to make. It's possible that once you start going, he may decide to join you, but even if he doesn't, having an objective person with whom to discuss this complex and emotive situation will give you the support you need during this difficult time.

Good luck. Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Sheila,
Your reluctance to mention your concern is understandable, since you run the risk of being wrong, embarrassing yourself and/or offending your friend. However, you should trust your instincts. I find that in most cases where spousal abuse is suspected, it's actually taking place. National statistics show that there are more than 10 female victims per 100 couples every year (>10%). And abuse is not just physical. Emotional abuse, on its own or in conjunction with violence, is also very common. Victims of physical abuse commonly try to hide the evidence, stay out of sight until injuries heal, or blame the injury on an accident. With emotional abuse, the signs are even less apparent. The abuser is often cruel, hurtful, critical and controlling, and the victim feels trapped and helpless.

 

So how do you know if your suspicions are correct? The signs you mentioned are classic. Others to watch for include being overly quiet or deferential around her husband, quickly ending phone conversations without explanations, and increasing isolation from friends, family and regular activities.

 

So Sheila, here's what you must do: Gently broach the subject with your friend. Tell her you care about her and respect her privacy, but are concerned. Given the fact she hasn't shared her problem with you before, there's a good chance that she'll deny there's anything wrong, at which point it's best to give her space to consider what you've said and whether to trust you. Work to maintain regular contact with your friend and bring your concerns up at a later date - but don't give up. Remind her that she has you as a resource and that you're there for her if needed. However, if she does admit that abuse is occurring then it's time to get her out immediately. Every community has a hotline for battered women and this would be the next step to take to help with the logistics of getting her to safety.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Bobby,
All states in America have a mandatory child abuse and neglect reporting law. The duty to report suspected child abuse applies to anyone who has reason to believe that a child has been or is likely to be abused or neglected, or may need protection. The situation that you describe is grounds for, at the very least, a "look-and-see" by Child Protection Services (CPS). I would not recommend that you confront your neighbor on your own. This is a situation best handled by trained experts.

 

Regardless of whether actual physical abuse is taking place, it sounds like verbal abuse is definitely occurring, and therefore the potential for physical abuse exists. You do not need to be certain that a child is in need of protection to make a report. "Reasonable grounds" are what an average person, exercising normal and honest judgment, would suspect. Your report is confidential and is not subject to public release under the Open Records Act. The law provides for immunity from civil or criminal liability for innocent persons who report even unfounded suspicions, as long as your report is made in good faith.

 

Depending on the severity of the home situation, a visit from CPS may serve as a wake-up call for the mother and she will get the help she needs to deal with her situation. If the CPS investigator suspects physical abuse or neglect, they will take steps to ensure the children are protected. So Bobby, you must report this immediately.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Kelsey,
There is no psychiatric definition for a nervous breakdown, and it has nothing to do with nerves. While 'nervous breakdown' is not a medical term, it is often used in the general population to characterize the experience of "snapping" under immense pressure, mental collapse or mental and physical exhaustion.

 

Your boyfriend's mother probably had an episode of what is correctly termed Major Depression. I'm sure it was very upsetting for him as a young boy to see his mother go through this experience, as well as distressing for her, of course. If he still has difficulty talking about that time, and it is something he worries about excessively, it may be worth visiting a counselor to help deal with these memories.

 

Regarding his concerns about the condition being hereditary here's the deal: genetic links are definitely present for most mental disorders and you both need to be aware of this. But this does not mean it is your boyfriend's destiny to develop the same condition as his mother. So, rather than worry about a mental health problem that may never develop, it is far more important to lead a mentally healthy life by getting enough sleep, not abusing drugs or alcohol, developing healthy relationships and avoiding unnecessary stress.

 

The other thing to remember Kelsey is that mental disorders today are very treatable with medication. So if your boyfriend does develop any specific symptoms then he would need to see a psychiatrist immediately.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Bill,
NO! Many people love to see sexy ads. Let's face it - sex sells - period. Advertisers use sex for the simple reason that this is a basic human drive. In fact, the entire animal kingdom is programmed to procreate for the survival of species. Since the sex drive is at the subconscious level, marketers have discovered that this is an excellent way to manipulate their target audience which is primarily 20 to 40 years of age. Once you have raised a family the lure for sex is not as defined, so older people are usually less susceptible.

 

The bottom line is that our sex drive is basic and biologic, but you do have control over it. Once you understand this and take charge of this emotion you will be able to view the ads with a sense of humor and amusement, while you realize how the advertisers are attempting to manipulate potential buyers. As with most things in life Bill, once you understand the rationale, it will be much easier to accept.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi Julie,

Serial monogamy is indeed a recent buzzword. The term refers to an individual who has numerous relationships, one after another, each lasting from one to several years. However, interestingly, they are faithful and they do not cheat on their partner during the course of each relationship.

 

Obviously monogamy means one partner only. Serial means to do this repeatedly. Many experts in the field feel humans are genetically programmed to be serially monogamous as opposed to the conventional view of one partner for life. This is an ongoing debate and is often used to justify divorce. The key to long term happiness foreach of us however, is based not only on science but also our own unique needs and personality.

Dr. D

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Dear Dr. D,
My friends and I are in our sixties and constantly argue about why the divorce rate is higher today. What is your opinion?
Libby

 

Hi Libby,

Yes, the times they are a changing. The divorce rate is indeed higher today. This can be attributed to four factors. First, we live longer. Fifty years ago, those in their fifties and sixties were typically not healthy enough to think about looking for another mate.

 

The second reason is the financial independence of women. Up until the last 20 years many women were totally dependent upon their husbands for financial security. To leave would have been a financial impossibility. As more and more women enter the workforce this is no longer an issue.

 

Next, with globalization, travel and the internet the odds are increasingly greater that a couple will grow apart as their life experiences head in different directions. Again years ago a couple very likely could be born, raised and married all in the same town with no outside influence.

 

However, the final and probably most important reason for the increased rate is that divorce is now considered socially acceptable. In fact, not so long ago, divorce was considered a dirty word and individuals who had been through one were considered somehow weak and inferior.

Dr. D

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He recently went out of town on a business trip and left his car in a no-parking zone, causing it to get towed. When he got back, initially he thought it had been stolen, but finally found it. There was a $500 fee to get the car back. He called me saying he could not afford the fine and asked me to pay it. I was glad to help and did so. But I am now worried that this could indicate financial instability, which could definitely be a problem. We're considering getting married, however this is a huge problem for me. What do you think?
Lou Ann

 

Hi Lou Ann,
The first thing I will say is that everyone in this day and age tends to want to make snap decisions about important future events. Quick decisions coupled with immediate gratification. What's the rush? You've only been dating several months, so take your time and this will sort itself out. Obviously the situation you described is mildly concerning, but then I would also wonder why he has been the one to pay for everything? This IS the 21^st century, and male/female rolls today are much more equal than ever before.

 

Also, I would assume that if he's paid for everything up until now, that surely represents substantially more money than the towing violation. Certainly I would discuss your concerns with him, but I would also advise you to pay for more of your share going forward.

 

Also, keep your eyes and ears open for any further indication of financial instability. But Lou Ann don't worry about making a long term decision at this point. The beauty with most relationships is that if you take your time the answer as to whether to proceed or break things off will eventually be crystal clear to both parties.

Good luck, Dr. D

---

 

 

Hi Katie,
This is a question that I am frequently asked, and there is no clear-cut answer. Most folks would say they would want to know if their spouse was cheating on them. But when faced with the reality of such a scenario, this knowledge is not always welcome. You've heard of the phrase "don't kill the messenger"? There's a reason it became a cliche'.

 

In an ideal world, you would tell your friend what you know. She would confront her husband, he would confess and ask for forgiveness. Then they would either get a divorce, or work through this problem and have a stronger relationship as a result. But unfortunately, this is rarely how it plays out in the real world. There are several factors you need to consider while facing this situation.

 

First, you need to realize that you will be putting your friendship at risk, regardless of the outcome. You mentioned what you "know." Do you really "know" he is being unfaithful or do you just suspect? That's a critical difference. In most cases, when confronted, the accused spouse is going to deny everything. And unless you have concrete proof -- not just rumor and circumstantial evidence - it will be your word against his. Your friend will be in the position of choosing to believe either you or her spouse. Either way, your friendship will never be the same. If she believes him, the likelihood of your friendship surviving is practically non-existent. If she believes you, the fact that you are the "messenger" who delivered such personally devastating news would never be forgotten.

 

On the other hand if you really do have concrete proof of infidelity, that does change the situation, but realize you still do not know what her reaction will be, or how this will affect her marriage or your friendship. And I've seen many cases with concrete proof where the victim was in total denial and refused to accept reality.

 

That being said here's my advice Katie: If you have real proof then you need to tell your friend what's going on, but be prepared for a wide range of reactions. If not, then wait and see how things develop before broaching the subject.

Take care, Dr. D

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Hi Worried Grandmother,
No, there is no mental disorder that would account for your daughter's behavior. Obviously, your daughter does have some issues and the first is her choice of men. However, you can't blame her husbands for her behavior. She is an adult and responsible for her own actions. Imitating the unacceptable behavior of her husband is a choice she is making - No Excuses!

 

The biggest issue, of course, is the safety and well being of her child. If you feel she is not providing appropriate care, the most assertive step you could take is calling Child Protective Services (CPS). This organization can be found in every community. You can call your local organization to get the number for her town in Florida . They could certainly step in to evaluate the safety of the home and the level of care being provided for the child. However, if they conclude that the home is not safe; your daughter could lose her child, but this would only happen if the CPS were absolutely convinced that it was in the best interest of your grandchild.

 

You must put the safety of the child before all other considerations. The CPS also tries to provide support services for parents in certain circumstances. So, if you feel sure about what you know, then make that call.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Allison,

Everyone in life goes through different phases. When everything seems to be going your way, consider this is a "golden time" and this is clearly where your sister is at this point. The trick is to realize when you're in one of these periods and to appreciate it for what it is. But these idyllic phases don't last forever - not for her or for anyone. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and we all will at some point face difficult times and personal challenges.

 

As life goes on Allison, you'll come to realize that just because someone is more popular, or smarter, or prettier, does not mean they are going to have a happier or more successful life. You need to focus on your strengths and tailor your life around what is best for you. Make a list of what you excel at and then focus on getting better. Just because your sister is doing well, doesn't mean you can't do well also. In fact, I recommend that you change your attitude toward your sister. Instead of being jealous, make a conscious effort to start feeling happy for her and her success. Positive thinking really works!

 

You'll find that the jealousy will melt away allowing you the ability to pursue your own dreams without being dragged down by negative thinking. You never know where your life will lead and remember that happiness is not a destination on the road of life but rather a means of travel.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi Mike,
The dating scene today is quite different than it was just a couple of decades ago. As the saying goes for women: "you've come a long way, baby"! In the past, many women were focused on finding a man to marry and provide them with support and security. They protected their reputation so they could "make a good marriage and be a good wife".

 

Women today are no longer dependent on men. They have the educational and financial opportunities to take care of themselves. Marriage is no longer their main focus, so what you are experiencing in the nightclub scene is women who have adopted the dating behaviors previously associated with just men.

 

So Mike, you first need to decide exactly what you want in a relationship. Many younger women may not be interested in anything serious. They want to have fun and not get involved. If you are looking for a more serious relationship, then connecting with a 20-something may not lead to a long-term, satisfactory relationship anyway. I would suggest that you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

You need to find women who have more in common with you and your current situation. Look into a new hobby or join a club, organization or social group that would bring you into contact with those who have similar interests. You should also try an online dating service. You'd be amazed at the number of people involved in these who are looking for the same things you are. Expanding your personal "dating scene" will help you find a more fulfilling relationship. Good luck, and write back to me with a follow up in a year or so.

Dr. D

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Hi Brandy,
Is honesty always the best policy? In politics (unfortunately) and poker, no! But in this case, yes. Your past has a way of jumping up to bite you when you least expect it. If you try to hide this aspect of your life, certainly someone or some circumstance will reveal this to him in the future. There are times when I recommend keeping secrets, but too many people know about this (i.e. your customers, friends etc...) and it will come out at some point. Your past is a part of who you are today.

 

No matter the reasons you entered into this occupation, it needs to be shared with the person you are choosing as your partner for the future. If he loves you and the relationship is meant to be, he will understand. If he doesn't, then it would be much better for you to find this out now, rather than later. We can't change who we are, but we can accept it and learn to live with the beauty, the good, the bad and the ugly which lies within EACH and EVERY one of us. And we should select a partner that knows and accepts us for who we are.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi Wendy,

You're right. Everyone is different in this regard, ranging from "I don't want anything from your ex around me," to "I couldn't care less. It's just furniture". The important point is that if it matters to you then it should be up for discussion with your fiancé and a compromise is certainly called for.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Dear Kellie,
This is a very complex situation and my guess is that there's more going on here than just the pre-nuptial agreement. Most wealthy people have already thought this through, so I doubt his parents are bringing it up now, out of the blue, this close to the wedding. Regardless of what he is saying, his actions speak louder than words. His parents can't make you sign it.

 

This is an issue between you and him, and he is either taking a strong stance on their side, or using them to avoid a confrontation over something he really wants.In other words, he is letting his parents be the bad guys instead of being honest about his feelings regarding a pre-nup OR there is some other reservation he has about the impending wedding date.

 

With that being said, pre-nuptial agreements have become a very common part of pre-wedding planning and are generally a good idea, but should involve attorneys from both sides to make sure everyone is treated fairly.

 

So, Kellie, you need to point out that this is between the two of you and not his parents. Then settle it. He has to take full responsibility for wanting the pre-nup, and then, if you agree to one (and you don't have to), you need to get your own attorney to review it and make sure it's fair.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi Sharon,

This scenario happens all the time in straight relationships. Ex-wives marry golf buddies, best friends, and business partners more often than you would think. Widows/widowers marry siblings of their former spouses as well. When you think about it, it makes sense. You associate with people you like and get along with, so the odds are good that you will get along well with friends, associates and relatives of someone you've been in a relationship with.

 

The only original twist here is the lesbian factor. But, here honesty is the best policy as well. Certainly your best friend has noticed that you and her ex have a certain chemistry together, and with a business involved you need to have 'the talk' sooner not later. So be honest and open about what's taken place. You're really in the middle here Sharon, so be supportive of both parties. The difficulties are many. Coming out is never easy, and as for your new boyfriend, it must have been a shock for him to discover that his ex- wife not only didn't want him, but instead wanted a wife of her own. I wish all of you the best of luck.

Dr. D

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Hi Rosie,
The number one rule in mental health is that you can't make someone get help who doesn't think they need help. The footnote to rule number one is that the first step in getting help is recognizing that you have a problem. You must also realize that even if your brother admits to having an "anger management" issue, he, like many will probably think he can handle the situation on his own.

 

It is very clear that trauma during childhood when the delicate brain circuitry is being formed and laid down can definitely affect us for life and lead to a chemical imbalance of the brain. Further, an abusive childhood can also be mistaken for 'normal' and often leads to the exact same angry/violent behavior by the adult that the child experienced. In terms of what you CAN do for your brother, you need to focus on the here and now. Every chance you get point out a current example of inappropriate anger. You may have to do this repeatedly over a period of time before he is able to see the pattern in his own behavior.

 

You can also point out on occasion how difficult your childhood was and how you also have your own issues due to the abuse. If he finally admits there may be a problem, then suggest he try just one visit to a therapist. Now, don't rush it Rosie, but also don't give up. Hopefully with time you may finally convince him he needs help.

Take Care, Dr. D

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Hi JD,
Wow! Talk about a classic case of mixed messages. Let's analyze this in stages.The fact that he brought a date AND went to your restaurant AND specifically asked for you indicates that he clearly wants you to know he's seeing others in order to either a) prove he's over you, b) hurt you or c) both.

 

However, this behavior is an absolute contradiction to the note and rose. He obviously went to great lengths to plan all the details of this encounter, which leads to many unanswered questions: How did he leave the rose and note without his date knowing? Did he tell her? If so, what?

 

My first instinct (which for all of us is usually correct) would be to run, not walk, but RUN away from this guy.This is much too twisted for comfort. However, if you want to give him another chance (which I suspect you do, otherwise you wouldn't have asked me), then you have to go slowly. Start out with a meeting for coffee. Have him explain exactly what he was thinking and point out how confusing all of his actions are. Tell him that you're willing to give him another chance, but only if you start off with occasional dates to see how things go. However, also tell yourself that at one more sign of instability or dishonesty you will cut your losses and get the hell out.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Dear Liz,
Financial problems represent the number one cause of marital discord. Couple that with no intimacy in six months and you're dealing with two major potential marriage-enders. The fact is that as long as a couple is still intimate the marriage can be saved. The longer you go without sex the less the chance of making things work.

 

Seeing a marriage counselor is a good step, but first you have to decide if you really want to stay in the marriage, so think long and hard about what you really want. Many people go to counseling when in reality they want the relationship to end, yet they just can't admit it to themselves.

 

If you do want it to work, then the first thing to do is focus on a compromise for the money (this will be the easy part). Make a budget together and decide where the money will be spent and listen to each other's points. Then decide which part of 'your money' can be spent on 'you' (and the same for him), as well as how much is spent together for you as a couple.

 

More importantly however is to work on your intimacy. The first step here is for you to let your husband know he's the most important man in the world to you. He's probably feeling like he's second string to your family. So why not plan a vacation for the two of you that you pay for? Also make sure to frequently let him know how much you love him and that you want the marriage to work.

Good luck, Dr. D

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Hi Kaye,
You bet you have a problem. But the first, and often hardest, step in solving a problem is recognizing and admitting that you have one. So you've got that going for you. Jealousy in a relationship can be defined as: Feeling mental discomfort due to the perception that your significant other is giving attention, love or affection to a third party. Thus in the end, it all comes down to feeling secure about yourself and trusting your partner.

 

So, as always, start with an analysis of yourself. Are you happy with who you are: your life, job, career and family? If not, then which areas would you like to change? Make a list of the top 10 things you like about yourself and the top 10 you don't. Then set about making changes to reduce the negatives. In the end you cannot ever be happy in a relationship unless you're happy with yourself. Jealousy, even though it manifests as being directed at another, comes from within each of us and thus we have to turn inward to fix the problem.

 

Once you start feeling better about yourself then you will feel you deserve the same in a relationship. At that point you learn to trust and jealousy will no longer be an issue, unless of course that trust is violated. But, in that case, the new you would not get jealous. You would walk away because you now know you are a good, happy person and deserve better!

Good luck. Dr. D

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Hi Gin,
The low risk approach is to start with the mutual friend. Have them set up a get-together for several friends including you and 'Mr. Gorgeous.' I recommend after work as an easy and non-threatening option -- perhaps a happy hour. This way there is limited stress; other people are present and if things don't work for either one of you then no harm, no foul. The friend need not even indicate your interest and thus you are protected if he's not that into you.

 

A more direct approach would be to have the friend tell him, "Hey, my friend Gin thinks you're hot. What do you think about her?" Or, if that's too direct then, "My friend Gin was asking about you, what do you think?" Finally in today's world it would be totally acceptable to call and invite him to lunch.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Hi Kelly,
This is a difficult situation, but no, you should not make them talk if they don't want to. However, you also should not lie to them or to you ex-husband. You should first have a talk with him and explain what's going on. Basically he was never that involved with the kids in their early life and now they are choosing not to be involved with him. This is normal with teenagers and their parents anyway, but in this case the situation is exacerbated due to distance and past history. If your ex-husband really wants to stay connected with his kids he needs to make more of an effort than just calling. He should consider planning trips to visit them, flying them up to see him and planning fun vacations they would enjoy.

 

You should also have a talk with the kids and discuss all of this. See if there is underlying resentment present or any other issues that they have not mentioned before. Then encourage both parties to discuss and work on a resolution. Teenagers are difficult in the best of cases and the parent really has to make much more of an effort to stay involved in their lives than at any other time. In the end the ball is in his court and if he doesn't make the effort now he may lose them psychologically forever.

Good luck, Dr. D

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Hi Betty,

Laughter always conquers tears, positive conquers negative and most importantly love conquers hate. The worst thing you can do now is to counter attack your ex. Rather you should focus on the positive.

 

First, whenever you have your son you must spend every second with him. Don't fall into the trap of letting friends, family or sitters care for him when you are with him. When you have custody he's with you...100%, no excuses!

 

Next, plan a full, fun schedule of events for both of you together. AGAIN, he must understand that when he's with you then that means TOTAL time with you- period! Plan any dates or social occasions when yourex has custody and you're completely free from any obligation.

 

Finally love. You must tell him constantly how much you love him and address the ex's negativity with objectivity such as: "Sometimes mommies and daddies stop loving each other BUT I will always love you!" I have seen this scenario play out numerous times Betty and I promise you that your child is smarter than you realize and that the good/positive parent ALWAYS prevails in the end! So, stay strong and cherish every second with your son! Eventually it will work out for the best, not only for him, but for you as well.

Good luck, Dr. D

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Hi Ruth,

Unfortunately you now have a potential psycho-stalker who's become obsessed with you. I term this level of obsession "The Fever". A person gets the fever when they become obsessively in love with another and I've seen this occur in perfectly normal, healthy and successful individuals. So, how to deal with this?

 

First this is not a healthy situation and though it goes without saying; I will make it clear and tell you that: you must end the relationship - NOW! Tell him on the phone that it's over and you no longer want to see or talk with him and to have a good life. You may have to tell him more than once, however the conversations should all be short and to the point, repeating: "it's over" and "please STOP calling me" Hopefully this will be enough; but, what to do if he continues to harass you?

 

Then, Ruth, you must totally stop any and all communication with him, which means blocking him from your phone at home and work as well as your cell. Your phone company can tell you how to do this. Also block, or at least don't open his emails- instantly-delete them. Also give your friends and co-workers a heads up in case he tries to contact them.

 

Finally, if at any point you feel physically threatened then you must call the police, though most episodes such as this don't get to that point. In most cases once contact is completely cut off the fever eventually breaks and that will be the end of it. Interestingly, I have treated many cases such as this with my patients and once it's over they are stunned and embarrassed to realize how irrationally they had behaved when they had the fever.

Take Care, Dr D

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Hi Ryan,

You have presented two separate questions. First, Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD)responds very well to medication and if these symptoms (inability to concentrate, disorganization and short attention span) are being treated successfully with your current meds then your family doctor can prescribe these. However if your symptoms are not under control then I would recommend that you talk to your psychiatrist to see if a medication change would be warranted.

 

Next Ryan, you must realize that your lies and deception (and the rush they give you) along with your lack of professional motivation are NOT symptoms associated with an ADD condition. There are many possible issues which could be going on here. You say you have 'a growing misguided moral compass' which leads me to ask if you have begun lying to cover up for a new behavior that you know would not be acceptable to those around you, therefore you have a reason for the deception. If this is the case then the answer lies within you and you need to focus on correcting the behavior so that the lies become unnecessary.

 

On the other hand, if the lying is spontaneous and compulsive and serves no real purpose for you then I agree with your psychiatrist that counseling would be appropriate in this case to help you figure things out before you end up putting your personal or professional life in jeopardy.

 

One other possibility for you to ponder: Did the lying start after you were placed on the med for ADHD? A rule of thumb I use is that it's POSSIBLE for any medication to cause any side effect no matter how unusual or bizarre. So, even though highly unlikely, this compulsive lying could be a weird medication side effect. If you note a time connection between the two then definitely discuss this with your doctor.

Good Luck, Dr. D

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Two years ago, my husband left me for a woman he had been having an affair with for years behind my back. Now they are married. For our children's sake, I have always invited him to events at our home, such as birthday parties, graduation parties, etc.

 

 

Hi Kayla,

Here's a question for you, before I answer yours. Assume that at some point down the road you have totally moved on, are happy with your life (maybe even remarried yourself) and have completely forgiven both your former husband and his new wife for their infidelity. How would YOU answer your own question then?

 

The important fact to understand here is that yes, he deceived you and hurt you and you are still holding on to anger about that - especially with respect to the other woman. But here's the deal Kayla: Eventually you have to let it go......not for him, or for her, not even for your children; but for you. These negativethoughts represent emotional baggage that you constantly carry around with you; and if you're not careful that weight can eventually bring you down.

 

Remember: You are what you think. So,while it's understandable that you may not be willing to accept the other woman into your house just yet......at some point you should forgive, forget and get busy living your own life. And the sooner the better for all concerned, including you and your kids. This means eventually accepting her into your house with both grace and serenity. You will be surprised at the peace this will bring. Good Luck Kayla.

Dr.D

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Hi Darren,

OK, here's the deal: there is often a point of no return in a relationship which once crossed means that there is no going back - it's lost forever. This threshold differs in each and every situation, with each and every couple so it's hard to quantify. But, it certainly sounds like that's the case here and the odds are extremely slim that you can bring this one back to life.

 

However, the only chance you have is to do exactly the opposite of what you are doing. Send her a letter, not an email or a text, but a handwritten letter. Tell her how sorry you are and tell her that you still love her.......But that you know that she doesn't feel the same way. Tell her that what you want the most is for her to be happy (hopefully this is truly what you want the most) and you realize that you are not the one for her. Finally, tell her that you wish her the best and that you won't bother her again.

 

Then leave her alone for 6 months! No contact whatsoever. During this time reflect on the mistakes you made and the lessons you learned to ensure that you don't make the same mistakes again. After a full six months give her a call and say you were thinking about her and would she like to get a coffee- as friends. If she answers yes, then you must realize that you have to start all over again as friends and take it very, very slowly. If she says no, then you're done and it's over - forever.

 

The game of life deals out many lessons Darren and unfortunately the best ones are often extremely painful to bear. I wish you the best but you must realize that even if this doesn't work out it may be setting the stage for a new and even more perfect relationship down the road.

Good luck. Dr.D

 

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